Author's Note: Now I know it's been half a year, but I can honestly say that I've been lazy and busy.
I'm up at 12:30am getting this done and I have to admit, I've gone nutty over this. It simply has to be one of the hardest challenges I've ever done and the most interesting.
Thanks to azn Mi for this challenge, (I did ask for it) this story is for you and written purely for you. I hope you like it!
CHALLENGE:
Must Haves:
1) pregnant Willow (by any means)
2) Will & Grace
3) any Godzilla-like creature (i.e. lizard) or imitation
4) crossdressing
5) chopsticks
Bonus Points for Those Who:
1) keep it light and funny (as suggested by the meeting with Will & Grace)
2) keep the characters from BtVS post Season Seven
3) make it a crossover with Harry Potter (post Prisoner of Azkaban), Eragon, Supernatural, or Alias
4) can reread their story repeatedly and never get bored or forget to smile
Dining Out
One Shot
Crossover: BTVS, Will & Grace, Alias, Alley McBeal
Willow was in a sushi resturant but not any sushi resturant, it was situated in up-town New York where lots of money was spent and itsy bitsy amounts of food were served, this suited the anorexic wealthy just fine.
At that moment however, Willow did not appear fine, in fact she didn't even appear alright, she appeared downright blagh, which explained everything, and why she was in a sushi bar, and no, it was not to eat even though she couldn't resist the delicious, raw salmon sushi with a slash of avocado… damn it! She was getting distracted!
Slowly she took in a deep breath and winced when she felt a viscous kick filled with tiny claws slam into her liver. And it sounded exactly like it should, yes due to her horrible, horrible mistake of a spell (which she had thought she had gotten over in her teen years) she had somehow impregnated herself with a monster. Oh the horror! So her Japanese pronunciation sucked, so she couldn't exactly speak Japanese, so she couldn't chant in Buddhist rhyme… well booheee… who'd have thought she would get pregnant with one of Japan's most famous monsters? Who'd had thought her baby was a movie star? Who'd had thought it would be a god? God of lizards for that matter? One guess as to who the baby monster might be…
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Willow Rosenberg from a Jewish upstanding family whose religion in Pagan has her sharing both beliefs is pregnant with Godzilla. One would wonder how such a giant monster even in baby size would fit in a girl as small as Willow. Magic sure had its uses.
A soothing hand began to rub comforting circles around her back and Willow instantly relaxed.
"Honey, are you alright?" Kennedy asked in concern, staring at Willow's bulging stomach the size of an over-inflated balloon, which a week before had been as flat and sexy as a swimsuit model.
"Stop staring at my stomach!" Willow snapped before instantly bursting into tears. "I'm sorry!" she wailed. "It's the stupid Godzilla baby that's making me behave this way!"
Kennedy made soothing noises as best as she could whilst wondering frantically when the so called Buddhist/Shinto/sushi chef/exorcist monk would make an appearance. There was so much quieting she could do before people around them would notice that Willow was calling her baby Godzilla, which was reasonable as she did it too but they didn't know that. In fact… whopeee… there's a couple right there giving them dirty looks. She gave them an especially ugly glare that screamed 'mind your own business!' and the woman gave her a nasty look and rubbed her stomach which so happened to be the size mini Godzilla, pity that she didn't have one also.
Kennedy was immediately struck by the similarities the woman shared with Willow, oh the woman was much older then her sweetheart but they both had red hair, was both carrying a living being in their stomachs, aka, pregnant. And their partners were gay. Kennedy may be pitching for the same side but she could still tell a straight guy from a gay one and that man sitting next to the woman was most definitely gay.
The woman leaned slightly towards them and smiled sympathetically at Willow, "I know exactly what you mean." She said, startling the both of them with her comment. "There are moments when I stare down at my stomach and wonder if there's a monster in there because I can only get bigger before I pop wide opened."
Willow perked right up and smiled, before wiggling around her seat, getting up and heading straight towards the woman and her table and sitting down across them. "That's so true!" She claimed loudly, "Only my stomach won't stop growing, I'm afraid that I really will rip wide opened, I can feel my skin stretching and oh gods the stretch marks that will never disappear once this end, I'll never be able to wear a swim suit again!"
The woman gasped in complete understanding, she fluttered a hand to her chest, "I feel the exact same way, don't get me wrong, I love the kid but the things that it does to my body is pretty scary stuff! My boobs are growing so fast that I'm likely to have stretch marks over them as well, but hey I at least now have boobs to call my own." The woman smiled and stuck out her hand, "I'm Grace by the way and the handsome but gay man sitting next to me is my best-friend Will."
Willow giggled happily, "I'm Willow and the girl next to me is my partner Kennedy and we're both gay." She immediately leaned forward ignoring the two slightly pale and ill looking non-pregnant people, aka, Will and Kennedy. "I totally agree about the boobs, I've never had any before and now I've got a pair of hooters that makes me know that my baby monster is going have one big appetite."
A strangled sound escaped from Kennedy as she imagined the horrible image of Godzilla chewing at Willow's boobs. She made a mental note to keep the monster from any of Willow's hanging bits, they were for her only.
She and Will (the male one) exchanged a silent look of complete understanding before sinking in their seats and prayed that no one was listening and something else would happen to distract them.
Their silent prays were answered in the form of banging doors and an effeminate, slim man holding them wide opened and raising his knee and flinging back his head back. "The great almighty Jack has made his appearance," he exclaimed loudly, raising the back of his hand to his forehead and swinging his other hand into the air. "And in a bid to save people from the boredom of their straightness, I am about to introduce a goddess, a being of pure beauty and fame…" this time he flung both hands into the direction of the doorway and wiggled his fingers as well as his bum and announced in a loud proud, excited voice. "DAME EDNA EVERAGE!!!!"
This time it was Will who was making strangling sounds as a man… err… woman walked in majestically, dressed in a glittering gown full of sequence and glitter glasses with bluish white hair as big as her face. She smiled her full red lips and held her hand out to Jack in a lady-like fashion. "Thank you dear, you do know how to make a woman feel special," she giggled, as Jack tucked her hand into the crook of his arm in true gentleman style and they both immediately headed towards their table.
Kennedy hurriedly turned to the male Will, "You know them?" she hissed.
"Unfortunately," he muttered back.
"Will!" Jack said in a dignified manner, "and Grace," he said nodding at her, "may I introduce my wonderful date, the great Lady Dame Edna Everage?"
Lady Dame Edna gave out a high pitched giggle and fluttered her hand at Jack. "Oh to have such a young man as my date certainly makes me feel young again!"
Jack immediately turned to both Willow and Kennedy and raised an eyebrow. "And who are they?"
Grace smiled. "Jack this is Willow and Kennedy, we just met and got to talking about pregnancies and babies."
Jack gasped horrified and turned to Will, "You're talking to lesbians?" he shouted loudly, "Do you know what they could do to you? They're scary people Will, it's not normal! Only men are allowed to love each other!"
"Excuse me?!" Kennedy snapped aggressively, her eyes flashing dangerously.
Jack hurriedly took a step back in fear and turned to Will. "See!" he said pointing wildly at her, "See! That is a lesbian!"
Will raised a hand to the bridge of his nose and squeezed it in annoyance. "Jack, sit down," he ordered grabbing the thin man and forcing him into a seat and turned to Kennedy, "And you…" he trailed off slowly once he caught the deadly eyes, "just don't hurt him," he hurriedly injected.
Willow raised a calming hand to Kennedy's shoulder and she relaxed.
Jack sniffed, crossed his arms and shifted his chair until Will was almost in front of him and away from the lesbian. Will maybe able to handle such dangerous aggression but he was a delicate creature who could not handle people who were anti-men.
Lady Dame Edna Everage gracefully sat down in the large space between Jack and Kennedy and smiled. "Oh my but you ladies are beautiful, it makes me think of my youth and how I had men lining up to take me out. Oh the choices! You ladies certainly made a good decision. Men could be so troublesome, certainly I had my fair share." She winked at them and continued. "But alas I can not live without my men flesh, they are a must for me."
There was a long pause at the table as everyone processed this.
Jack laughed in delight, a person who understood the need to have men flesh! Will was such a prude, he never quite understood the adventure, such a steady-relationship person he was. "I completely agree darling!"
Grace smiled nervously, her eyes wide as she processed the dynamics of the table, two gay men, two gay women, one cross-dresser and one straight women, she was horribly outnumbered. This was a making for disaster.
"What's so great about men anyways?" Kennedy said annoyed, flicking her beautiful brown hair over her shoulder. "They're so weak," she sneered.
Jack sneered right back. "Honey, at least I know how to act like woman. You…" he said, waving a disdaining finger over her figure, "are a he-man."
Kennedy growled. "Take a look at yourself in the mirror twig, you are no woman. This…" she said in contempt waving a finger over his figure, "does not constitute as a woman."
Lady Dame Edna let out a gasp and covered her mouth in shock.
Jack slapped the table and leaned over the table, sneering. "Right back at ya he-man."
Kennedy slammed a fist to the table, almost denting it and stood up slowly until she was slightly above him, "Do you want me to take it like a man and beat the living crap out of you?" she growled dangerously.
Suddenly they found themselves being pulled back and shoved back into their seat.
"Kennedy!" Willow exclaimed in a sad voice, her eyes wide with disappointment. "You can't hurt him! You'll break him!"
Jack gasped in horror and fear, hyperventilating as he envisioned his death by lesbian.
Will hissed in his ear, "Do you want to die? Don't antagonize the lesbian!"
Lady Dame Edna sniffed as great big fat tears fell down her cheeks. "Men are allowed to be women too you know," she said tragically, raising a handkerchief to her eyes and blowing her nose loudly.
Grace silently sank in her seat and groaned as she watched disaster unfold.
"It's alright," Willow whispered to Grace, "I'm sure two pregnant women can keep them in line, we'll simply throw tantrums and cry a lot that should distract them."
Kennedy abruptly turned to her, "What?!" she exclaimed, "Are you saying that every time you cried it was an act?!"
Willow widened her eyes innocently, "Nooo…" and she clutched her stomach dramatically, "its all true," her lower lip trembled, "don't you believe me?"
Kennedy's eyes immediately softened, "Of course I do honey," she said, reaching over and kissing her.
Jack gagged.
Lady Dame Edna arched an eyebrow.
Will groaned.
Grace wondered how come she never got a partner as enthusiastic as that.
Kennedy pulled away and gently ran a hand through Willow's hair, "Are you feeling better now sweetheart?"
Willow smiled dreamily, "Yeah."
Suddenly out of no where a woman appeared at their table, she was panting slightly. "Please," she whispered frantically, her eyes hard but there was a desperate light in them, "just pretend I'm with you, act normal, I just need to hide for a moment and then I will be gone."
Everyone paused and processed this new development.
Grace smiled and ran a hand over her large non-Godzilla stomach, "Sure thing." She frowned in concern, "Is everything ok? Is there some creep following you?"
The woman smiled back calmly. "Something like that."
Kennedy's eyes narrowed at the woman before looking out the window behind her and watching the street. Men with guns she realized, her eyes shifted back to the woman and examined her carefully, she had shoulder length brown hair, pretty in an intelligent way and she was dangerous.
Kennedy's instincts said that they were suddenly in a very bad situation.
The woman's eyes shifted to her and Kennedy watched as she suddenly stiffened. "I don't want to fight you," she whispered looking at her.
"Good," growled Kennedy, "get lost."
"Kennedy!" shouted everyone at the table.
Kennedy ignored them and watched the woman carefully, never taking her eyes off of her. The woman needed to leave now and she didn't want the men with guns to target their table, people would get hurt and she knew intuitively that it would not be the mysterious woman.
"One more minute," the woman whispered desperately.
Will pulled out his cell phone, "I'm calling the police, you should be safe here," he said.
"No!" The woman snapped, snatching the cell out of his hand. "The police," she breathed in deeply, as if the thought was too much for her to bear. "Don't call the police please."
Kennedy glared at her, "Leave," she hissed. "We don't want to get involved and you're involving us by sitting with us."
Willow reached out, "Kennedy," she said soothingly.
Kennedy gripped her hand tightly, "No!" She said quietly and opened to further elaborate when she caught the men in black about to look through the restaurant window.
The woman stilled as if sensing them behind her.
Kennedy wondered wildly what she was going to do.
Suddenly Jack sprung into action, gripped the woman by her shoulders and pulled her towards him and proceeded to mesh his lips against hers.
Everyone's mouth dropped opened.
A moment of intense silence as everyone watched in fascinated horror.
The kissing seemed to go on forever.
Jack opened a single wild eye and started to make noises indicating the window.
Everyone looked over at the window.
The men in black were gone.
They said nothing.
Jack continued kissing the mysterious woman.
Will silently cursed the fact that the woman had his cell, this was perfect blackmail material.
Grace wondered how long Jack could continue kissing before he started gagging, she mentally started a countdown.
Both Willow and Kennedy wondered how good of a kisser the woman was, if she could keep a devoted gay man going.
Lady Dame Edna sniffed happily, there were definitely good men out there and it was definitely this one, to sacrifice his sexuality so that he may save the woman. She sighed, it was straight out of a threesome novel and then immediately wondered if she could join.
Jack started waving a hand, his face was slowly turning blue and the woman's face started to pinch like she was sucking on a lemon. They pulled apart with a loud sucking sound.
Jack immediately started gagging and clawing at this throat, "Water!" he screamed, grabbing Will's glass of water and gurgling it before spitting it into the nearest bowl. "Oh god!" he said, "I feel sick, oh god! I need to vomit!" And he sprung from his seat and ran to the nearest bathroom.
Everyone's eyes watched him disappear into the bathroom before their eyes swung back to the mysterious woman. She straightened, coughed lightly into her hand and stood up. "Err... thanks for hiding me," she muttered before running towards the kitchen and most likely leaving via the backdoor.
Everyone looked back to the bathroom door, Jack's screams could be heard echoing. "I'm dying! I kissed a woman! Oh god have mercy on my gay soul!"
Kennedy snickered evilly.
Grace and Willow picked up their chopsticks and dug happily into their dinner.
Will eyed his bowl in-distaste, Jack's backwash was all over his dinner, he pushed it away and hoped he wasn't going to gag.
Lady Dame Edna sighed, "I'll go and talk to him," and walked towards the male bathroom.
Willow looked up and caught sight Buddhist/Shinto/sushi chef/exorcist monk watching them in amusement and nudged Kennedy. It was time they went back to work, namely the task of getting rid of Godzilla. Willow sniffed sadly, she was going to miss the little monster.
Kennedy stood up, "Sorry guys, but we gotta go, back to business and all that."
Grace gasped sadly, "You're leaving already but you didn't get to finish dinner!"
Willow smiled, "Sorry but we really need to go."
Grace whipped out her cell phone and Willow did the same. They exchanged numbers and promised to call each other.
And then they were gone.
Will and Grace exchanged a glance of amusement, dinner had certainly been entertaining.
A loud bang as the bathroom door slammed opened and a raging Jack appeared. "Where are the lesbians?" he demanded angrily.
"What? Why?" Grace asked startled.
"It's their fault!" he screamed, "They've infected me with their lesbian germs!"
"What?" Will demanded incredulously, "Jack you're not making any sense! How could they infect you with lesbian germs? You're not even a woman!"
"Obviously Will," Jack snapped, running a hand through his hair, "You do not understand what I had gone through, why else would I suddenly develop a white-knight complex? I'm the one that needs saving not the other way around! I've gone completely out of character, it's against everything I am to kiss a woman. It's wrong! WRONG!!" He screamed shrilly, angrily stamping his foot in a tantrum.
Will raised a hand to his forehead and suddenly wished he had escaped earlier.
"Jack," Grace snapped, "Calm down, you did not get infected by lesbian germs, there's no such thing as lesbian germs."
Jack stiffened and sniffed, "You are a boring straight, no-life female. It's obvious you don't understand the importance of gayness and the holiness that is involved." He raised a dramatic hand to his chest, "My gay soul has been jeopardized by the kissing of a woman, I shall proceed to wipe the entire incident from my mind and forget." Jack sat down and closed his eyes, proceeding to do just that.
Will frowned. "What happened to Lady Dame Edna?"
Jack stuck his nose in the air and kept his eyes closed. "She's tidying herself up."
Will and Grace both paused in horror at the implications.
"You didn't!" Grace gasped horrified.
"I needed to prove my gay soul was still alive." Jack replied.
"And is it?" Will asked dryly.
"I'm happily to say that it is."
End