Genre: Angst, Romance
Status: WIP
Summary: Iruka plans a pleasant surprise for Kakashi to take his mind off training ... of course, the best laid plans of dolphins and men go oft astray... and angst ensues
Warnings: yaoi, coarse language, violence, steadily building angst, will eventually have NC-17 lemon. Specific warnings posted for each chapter.
Disclaimer: You know Naruto and its characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto, because if I owned them, yaoi pairings would be canon… "Alone" lyrics belong to Big Country

Notes: Yes, it's been a long time, but I didn't abandon it. Thank you for waiting patiently and for all the reviews and questions as to when I'd continue. Huge thanks to Kiterie for the beta :)

Occurs several weeks after the end of "Odd Admiration" within the Tolerant Intolerance universe, (early November) with permission from Hatochan. Kakashi finding his father is told in "Song for a Winter's Dawn" and "In My Hands." Story title comes from Big Country's "Fields of Fire," chapter title from Big Country's "The Seer"

~*~

The Seer - Big Country

Long ago I heard a tale I never will forget
The time was in the telling on the bank the scene was set
The sky was rolling blindly on, the daylight had not gone
She washed her hair among the stones and saw what was to come
All this will pass
There will be blood among the corn and heroes in the hills
But there is more to come my boy before you've had your fill
Men will come and rape the soil as though it were their own
And they will bathe their feet in oil as I have bathed my own
All this will pass
All things must come
Just as I tell you here

I listened for so long that day that I can hardly tell
If what she said was heaven sent or brought to bear in hell
That men of hope would stand alone and still be cast a lie
Just as Romans cast them on the day they were to die
All this will pass
All things must come
Just as I tell you here
Even now I wait for the coming day
Even now she waits in the dawn
For the tales she tells, for the gifts that she will sell
For the sight she knows, for a vision that still grows
With the dream in her eyes no one's seen

~*~

The house was fairly quiet after the outburst, as everyone made themselves scarce and filtered back to their proper places. Iruka wrapped the heavy robe about his body and took the shorter, outdoor route back to the main house, steam rising from his body into the cold night air. He passed Tsunade as he entered his lover's room, and the blonde woman rested a hand on his shoulder as he walked by. "He'll be fine now. Try to get some sleep."

Iruka shuffled into the darkened room, the only light coming from the small brazier on the hearth. He stood, watching Kakashi for a few minutes, feeling both empty and heavy, too tired to even be relieved. He clumsily crawled in beside Kakashi, pressed as close as possible and fell into a deep sleep.

Tsunade walked through the house to the empty kitchen to reheat a pot of tea, too tired to even bother making fresh. She stared into the cup, watching her own reflection in the green tinted liquid as it rippled with her slightest movement.

She sensed the presence behind her, but did not turn.

"You did a good job, Tsunade," a familiar voice said.

The Hokage tilted her cup side to side, her image warping around the waves of translucent drink. A tightness began to grow in her chest. "We won't know that for sure until he wakes up." Tsunade sipped carefully from the cup's edge, the tea burning its way down her throat.

Jiraiya rested his hand on her shoulder, stepping close.

"You did a good job." That tone would accept no denial.

Tsunade leaned back against the strong chest, her free hand creeping up to grasp the broad fingers curled over her shoulder. Her breathing hitched once, and the cup fell from her hand.

Two thick arms encircled the slighter form, pulling her close against him, his breath soft and warm in her ear. "We've gone through this all before, old friend. You make a difference. You won't save everyone, but you save enough to make it count. Even one life saved is a blessing." The voice was stern but gentle. "You did everything possible. No one could have done more. It's all up to him, now, and to the Umino boy."

"But what if…"

"Tsunade, do you expect me to believe you didn't do everything humanly possible for him? I've seen you do this before. You didn't try any less this time than any of the other times. If he's meant to pull through he will. You did your part. It's up to them, now. They're growing up, you know… I suppose, technically, they already are. I know you want to personally bring them through every little crisis, but they aren't children anymore, haven't been for a long time. Another part of loving somebody is letting them grow up, stand on their own two feet, and, occasionally, fall. I suppose that's been my greatest fault, pushing them before they were quite ready, because I knew how important it was. I should have held back a little, sometimes, helped them out a bit more, others."

"So I'm supposed to sit here and wait until he wakes up, trusting that everything will be just fine?" She shook her head, unconvinced.

"No, sit here and wait until he wakes up. Then if he needs help in something you can assist with, you help. Until then, you sit here and wait. Find something to occupy your mind. Can you knit? Works wonders for passing the time. I knitted a scarf for Gamabunta one winter…"

There was a short, silent pause before she chuckled, tension easing. "You didn't really, did you?"

"You still never know when I'm serious and when I'm teasing after all these years."(love this line)

"It's hard to tell with you, sometimes. You say the most outrageous things. But I know some of the things I've seen are quite unbelievable, as well, so I start to wonder. I know you, though. You would tell me something so outrageous with a completely straight face, knowing I'd never believe it, when it really did happen and was completely true. Kakashi and Minato must have picked that up from you."

Jiraiya quirked an eyebrow at her. "You don't believe me? I'm hurt." He laughed, and she felt vaguely comforted by the rumbling in the chest behind her. "I did, you know, but you're right, I lied, too."

"Oh?" Somehow she was not surprised, but she was intrigued to hear his explanation. "So, you didn't make him a scarf?"

"Oh, I made him a scarf, alright. Stupid thing was ridiculously long, as I'm sure you can imagine. Took up most of my living space while I made it that winter."

"Then what did you lie about?"

Jiraiya grinned that maddening, infuriating grin that made him look so much younger, so like Naruto and Minato at their worst. "I crocheted it. Never did much care for knitting."

She couldn't help it. The sheer audacity, the cheek on top of everything else today… She burst out laughing. Not a giggle. Not a chortle. A true, gut-busting belly-laugh that hit her so hard it hurt. She only stopped when she could no longer breathe, still smiling as she wiped the tears from the corners of her eyes.

It was the most beautiful thing Jiraiya had seen in years. No stolen glimpses of bathing beauties could ever compare to the woman before him, her skin still slightly damp from her exertions this night, clothes rumpled, hair tousled, tears of laughter staining her cheeks. No nubile beauty could begin to offer him anything comparable.

Tsunade couldn't pinpoint the exact moment everything changed, but she did notice when Jiraiya pulled away. She noticed when Jiraiya refused to meet her gaze. She noticed when he couldn't answer her softly voiced question. "Jiraiya?"

Capable fingers captured his hands in a strong grip. "Jiraiya…"

He cleared his throat, hesitant.

Tsunade looked at her old teammate, really looked at him, taking in every change that had occurred since they'd first met, over forty years ago. What struck her the most, however, was what hadn't changed. She shifted positions and turned his face up to hers, not letting him escape. "Jiraiya?" she asked in a tone of soft wonder.

Unaccountably, a soft pink stained the weathered cheeks as he remained silent under her appraisal.

Warm lips brushed against his face, and he closed his eyes, waiting for the imminent words to dash his hopes forever. This was why he'd stayed far away so long, never visited more than a few days; he knew he could never hide his feelings if she ever truly looked, and he'd rather have the illusion, the fantasy, the ghost of a possibility than the certainty that she would never love him.

He felt his heart clench in his chest, expecting her to voice her rejection, and somehow he knew that the gentle pity he'd see in her eyes was far worse than outright hostility. Pink lips opened over even white teeth, and the soft puffs of air were warm against his skin as she pronounced the words that would change his life forever. "All this time and I never really knew… just how much you always meant to me."

Tsunade placed a soft, manicured hand against his cheek, ran the back of a nail down the markings on his face. "Baka." Her voice was even gentler than her touch, low and husky, and it made him shiver. "You thought I was going to send you away." And then warm lips caressed his, and she gathered both his hands to her, pulling him to his feet. "I'm still a little worn out from tonight, but come with me?" She kissed him again, pressing close. "You can court me after, JiJi. For now, help me chase the nightmares away."

~*~

Jiraiya opened the room's door silently as he left, a thoughtful smile on his face, but all his ninja arts couldn't hide him from the young woman waiting outside. He stuttered, "I… I was just checking on her. She worried me when she collapsed like that last night."

Shizune snorted. "Bullshit, Jiraiya-sama. I know you spent the night in her bed." Her voice turned serious. "You aren't leaving again, are you?"

He shifted uncomfortably. "No. But I couldn't sleep, didn't want to wake her. She could use the rest." He shrugged. "Besides, I traveled all day yesterday, and the day before that. Figured I might as well make use of that little hot spring of Sakumo's before anyone else was up. Not that I managed that I suppose, you're here, after all."

"No, Jiraiya-sama, I'm still up from last night, was going to bed in a little bit. I was just waiting for her to wake, to make sure she was fine before I did." Shizune flushed a delicate shade of pink and reached up to peck him on the cheek. "Thank you. She needed to love someone again, to realize she could."

Jiraiya's hand went to his cheek in surprise, as he flushed as well. "I always have, Shizune, I was just too afraid to let her know it was serious, that I still did."

"You should have told her sooner, but I'm glad you did. She needs you more than she'd admit. Everyone needs someone. You'll be good for her… if you stay around a little more." She raised an eyebrow warningly at him. "If she's still sleeping, I'll get some sleep myself. Enjoy your soak, Jiraiya-sama."

"I will, Shizune. And thank you. For watching over her until I came to my senses." He smiled softly at the young assistant, then turned his back and went to gather fresh clothing from his pack, chuckling softly to himself.

~*~

It was lunchtime before everyone was awake and assembled together again. Tsunade looked much refreshed, a lovely tinge of pink adorning her cheeks. Iruka looked more rested as well, as some of the tension eased, just knowing Kakashi's fever had broken. There was still a subtle tension underlying his movements, would be until he knew Kakashi was going to be completely well.

They were scattered around the large kitchen, sitting in chairs, on the floor, the kitchen counter, leaning against walls, as suited them. It was an informal gathering, and they talked softly among themselves, helped themselves to the food and drink situated around the room. Finally, Tsunade helped herself to a cup of steaming jasmine tea and came to stand next to Jiraiya, who had pulled a chair from the table and turned it around, arms resting on the chair back between his legs. She looked at each of them, letting her gaze linger for a moment as she went around the room. Every eye was on her without her saying a word.

"Kakashi's fever broke last night, so physically, everything is fine. There's still a question of his mental state, though, and on that tangent, Jiraiya has a story to share with you. I don't have to tell you to keep this in confidence, you all know Kakashi doesn't speak much of his past. I wouldn't have Jiraiya share this it didn't have bearing on the situation at hand, but I want each of you to know, so that as Kakashi heals and grows stronger none of you inadvertently says or does anything to hinder his complete recovery. I'll let Jiraiya tell you, though."

Jiraiya cleared his throat. "I wish I didn't have to tell this. It feels like I'm breaking his confidence, but Tsunade is right. Kakashi broke, because of something that happened twenty years ago. He has to work through this properly to be able to function as a shinobi again. His sensei convinced Sandaime to keep it out of his official records. The report is sealed, accessible only to the Hokage or himself with the Hokage's permission." Jiraiya sighed softly. "I remember, though. When Minato brought him home from the mission, when he asked my advice on what to do.

"He was eight. Not long after his father… passed." Jiraiya didn't want to dwell on memories of that time, what Sakumo's suicide had done to him, to all of them who had loved him. "It was his first real mission, after, the first one they allowed him on after his break. They were so worried about him, then, kept expecting more reaction from him than he showed. Waited for some complete breakdown that never came. He was eight. Kyoko had died in the spring, and his father in November. He was never the same after she died and he took that mission. Kakashi pulled back and withdrew after she died. He was there, saw it all. And then he walked in on Sakumo as he was dying." Jiraiya trailed off brokenly.

Tsunade signaled to Raidou and he reached for the flagon of sake. She shook her head and he brought forward a bottle of shochu and a glass. She poured for her teammate, pressing the drink into his hand. He looked up in surprise, but downed it with a small shudder, steadying as the alcohol calmed and numbed him slightly.

"He was still alive. Seppuku. Kakashi showed him mercy, performed the daki kubi, gave the final blow to end his suffering. To this day, a part of him insists he killed his father, because of that. Minato found him the next morning, half frozen, only a spark of chakra left. He kept vigil beside the body the whole night long, out in the garden, clutching the katana he'd used for the blow. It's no surprise everyone expected more of a reaction, but he just pulled back. The only time he showed any spark of emotion was after the funeral when he found out they wouldn't put his name on the Memorial Stone because he had disgraced the village. Sandaime couldn't go against the entire Council." Jiraiya was still clutching the glass, put it on the table behind him.

"I'm telling you all this so you know what Kakashi was like, then. Young and arrogant and standoffish and oh so deadly. And so rigid. He became even more the perfect little shinobi after that mission. And then after Sakumo's death, it was even worse. He was completely serious, didn't give a thought to anything other than the mission and training and regulations. Near broke Minato's heart, watching him like that. He'd always thought Kakashi was too serious, although he had his moments when he was younger. Kakashi finally convinced the psych nin he was stable, and they let him go on an undercover mission with Minato, out of the village.

"I'm sure it was Sandaime's idea. There was a small village to the north, near the border with the Waterfall Village. It was a sleepy little town. He had Minato gathering information, in the guise of a new widower who moved there with his son. Kakashi had a minor side mission, as well. A teacher at a local school somehow came into possession of a scroll he shouldn't have. Kakashi's mission was a simple switch. It should have gone off without a hitch. They'd been there for two weeks, Kakashi knew everything he could about the man's habits. He underestimated one of the other teachers, though. The man was named Keberu."

Iruka was listening very intently now, knuckles white in his lap, but otherwise unaffected. He remained quiet, trying to see Kakashi as Jiraiya had, not as the older boy he'd looked up to and had a childish crush on.

"I make no excuses for the man. I'm sure Kakashi wasn't an easy child to get along with. You know how he is, sometimes, and he was so much worse then, before Obito. Keberu discovered Kakashi in the school building. Kakashi had been ordered not to use any ninjutsu, lest he betray Minato's cover. The man caught Kakashi and punished him, caned him. And when Kakashi wouldn't cry out or react, it enraged him. He beat him near to death, but Kakashi still refused to make a sound or activate the tag that would let Minato know he was in trouble, because it would be against the mission parameters to use any ninjutsu."

Ibiki listened quietly from his place in the corner where he leaned against the wall. He nodded, thinking how well it fit what he knew of Kakashi, both personally and professionally. He planned to re-read everything in the man's files with this new information in mind.

"The man dumped him outside of town, left him in the forest to die, but Minato went searching for him when he didn't come home for dinner. It almost caused a diplomatic incident. Minato went back and beat the man to a bloody pulp. It got sticky because the man was a minor official's brother-in-law. The official's wife wouldn't believe anything bad about her brother, insisted something be done and the perpetrator be found and brought to justice. Minato was still young and idealistic, and publicly demanded for counter charges to be filed when he heard. Sandaime and I both had a long talk with him after that." Jiraiya let out a quiet breath.

"Minato healed Kakashi just enough he could travel, carried him the entire way back, wouldn't let him out of his sight until he reached Konoha. He smuggled him into the village and had an ANBU medic treat him and stay with him, then he found me. Kakashi still wasn't over his father's death. Or his mother's really. He held everything in, but something about this mission broke him, and it finally caught up with him. Minato didn't want him to have to go through a debriefing about the incident when Keberu's family brought charges. Relations were still a bit strained between Minato and Uchiha Fugaku, and he was the rising star of the Police Force, then. So Minato convinced Sandaime it was in Kakashi's best interest to bury the incident, especially since Fugaku had forcibly and covertly tried to question Kakashi after Sakumo's death."

Jiraiya shrugged. "Don't ask me how, but even simple situations become complicated when the brat's involved. This was never a simple situation, so it became unbelievably tangled very quickly. Eventually Kakashi healed, physically and mentally, and it seemed as if we'd all worried over nothing. Those whose business it was to watch kept a close eye on him, but they would have anyway, with all he'd already gone through. He was even approved to join ANBU when Minato became Hokage. It was quite against Minato's will. He wanted to veto it, but without telling everything, he had no good reason to overturn the appointment." Jiraiya finally turned to Iruka.

"Kakashi has never spoken of that mission in all these years, probably pushed it to the back of his mind until in effect it was forgotten. You couldn't have known, Iruka. You can't blame yourself for an accident like this. If Kakashi refused to remember, how could you possibly know?"

Iruka remained silent for a moment, still processing everything, and then finally looked at Tsunade and Jiraiya both, only his eyes giving away the true depths of his concern. "Just how much has this affected him. I'm a teacher. Will he even be able to handle that now that he remembers?"

Tsunade reached a consoling hand out to him, laying it on his shoulder. "Only time will tell, Iruka. But I do know he cares for you. If you'd seen him the night you were poisoned…" She shook herself from her reverie. "I don't need to tell you just how much he loves you. You should know that already. I think you two can work through it together, have every faith that you can. He's tough. You are, too. If anyone can make it through this, it's you two."

She became businesslike, then. "Okay, everyone. You've heard it all now. Go back to your duties." They scattered quickly, talking among themselves, some of them leaving the room. "Ibiki, a moment, please?"

The tall scarred man stepped forward with a bow, standing close as Tsunade spoke in low tones to him. "I meant it Ibiki. This is sealed and completely confidential. Don't even put it in your own private files. At your discretion, if you have one person who can handle it, I will let you discuss this with them, only in the context of how best to help Kakashi. We can't afford to wait through the normal red tape that something like this would cause. We lost too many shinobi when Konoha was attacked. We're still under strength and we can't show any weakness. We have to get him back and functioning as soon as we can, without letting it be known he isn't right now. One assistant. Completely trustworthy and capable, able to deal with someone like Kakashi." She let out a deep breath. "I trust you Ibiki. I'm worried about him, though. Dismissed."

She turned away, getting another mug of tea and a meat bun when she heard the frustrated yell from the other room. "Damnit, Kakashi, where are you?"