Felis Arcanum

Disclaimer: I do not own nor ever will, Fullmetal Alchemist or the characters within.

Chapter 14: Betrayal

Denny Brosh has been killed.

"I'm resigning."

Edward and Alphonse are dead.

"Sit down, Mustang."

"Sir…"

Sit down, Mustang." General Ashlen repeated the words with a steady firmness and the pale faced man in front of him obeyed with visible reluctance. "Why?"

"Because…" they're all dead "…I am no longer able to serve to the best of my ability." General Ashlen might have accepted that reason, but the suddenness of Mustang's appearance in his office and the abruptness of his statement had the General studying him closely. This was not the same man he had seen at the Elrics' funeral.

"What do you base that on?"

"Physically I am no longer…"

"There are others with severer disabilities." Ashlen didn't even hesitate as he interrupted.

"I am no longer trusted and my future within the military seems doubtful."

"Perhaps a month ago I would have accepted that," Ashlen remarked. "But not now. I want the truth, Mustang."

The single dark eye seemed to grow blank and Ashlen waited. He suddenly realised that Mustang was without either his gloves or the little cat. It made him appear incomplete and lacking. The last months had built an image, an impression of Brigadier-General Mustang and it had just vanished.

"I no longer wish to serve the State." There was an undercurrent to the words that Ashlen didn't like. He could hear the truth in the words, but there was more that was being left unsaid.

"Why?" Ashlen asked.

"It means nothing to me anymore."

Ashlen was taken aback. He hadn't expected such a response. It wasn't the words so much as the empty sound of them. But there was a shadow on the white face that hinted at a pain not conveyed by his voice. It made a liar of his words. Ashlen leant back in his chair.

"Request denied." And the dark eye glared at him as Mustang leant forward.

"Why?"

"Because I don't believe you," Ashlen replied bluntly.

"I am leaving here," Mustang said determinedly.

"Absence without leave could get you court-martialled, a dishonourable discharge and even sentenced to the military prison." Ashlen listed the consequences easily and Mustang shrugged.

"So be it."

"Such conduct on your part would have a detrimental effect on your staff." Ashlen watched him go tense and knew he had found something he could exploit. He was not going to let Mustang resign. He didn't know of any soldier who hadn't suddenly been overset with doubts about their service and he knew recent events would have exaggerated any doubt Mustang had already been feeling. Ashlen was aware another soldier had died in Liore and he assumed that death to be the so-called last straw for Mustang. He nodded to himself. After the Elrics deaths any further incident in Liore was going to affect the Brigadier-General, even a completely unrelated one.

"My conduct has nothing to do with them," Mustang replied, a snap to his words.

"Maybe not, but for any officer to simply leave with no warning or reason; that usually means there is a serious problem. Officers only move when there are problems too great to be resolved, and the remaining staff are separated and assigned elsewhere." Ashlen kept his demeanour as composed as he could. He wanted to delve deeper, he knew he probably should ask for more information but he knew that doing so could have disastrous results. You didn't push men who were nearing mental edges and he knew enough to know that Mustang was walking one of those edges. He had seen what happened when you did. He supposed he should be grateful that Mustang had come to him with this. There were others who would have demanded more from him. And Ashlen saw the possibility of Mustang facing execution rather than a dishonourable discharge if someone did dig deeper into his reasons.

Denny Brosh is dead. Edward is dead. Alphonse is dead. Maes is dead. Bradley is dead. Archer is dead. Liore is dead. The Rockbells are dead. Ishbal is dead. They're all dead. My fault. I killed them. I failed.

It was a refrain behind his eyes. From the moment Havoc had thrown that piece of paper on his desk he had had the same thoughts. My fault. They're all dead. I failed. I killed them. Nameless faces had spun behind the ones he could name. He had stood up and walked around his desk, almost pushing the little cat into Havoc's arms before leaving the office without a word. Five minutes later he had entered General Ashlen's office with one intention. To leave. Before more died, before he failed again.

There was a lethargy to most of his thoughts. They stayed just out of reach and almost completely covered by the decision to leave. Some of those thoughts accused him of running away, but he didn't believe that was what he was doing. He knew he couldn't run away from the nightmares and visions that haunted him. But he feared what would happen to those around him, those who trusted him, those he was supposed to be protecting now that he was proven to be a failure. Worthless, useless, failure. His personal litany began again. My fault. They're all dead. I failed.

And he was failing them all again as he recognised the truth in the General's words. He couldn't leave his shadow over his staff. He was trying to save them from that. The deeper depression that stunted clear thought made him incapable of seeing and choosing from one of several paths he could take. The fog that surrounded him in the evenings now lay heavy over him as he frowned at the General and felt completely helpless.

General Ashlen wondered at the lack of response. He had expected a vigorous defence but there was nothing but a blank frown and a lost expression on his face. Several options came to mind and Ashlen hesitated for a moment before deciding on the one least likely to offend. He didn't think Mustang would accept being sent to the hospital for observation and an evaluation of his emotional state.

"I can assign you to a post away from Central for a time," he said and Mustang straightened in his chair. A little bit of awareness sparked behind the fog.

"Somewhere isolated," he demanded without considering his words.

"I can not send a Brigadier-General to a position like that," Ashlen replied.

"Then demote me," Mustang said bluntly. "I was only promoted due to whatever machinations were going on at the time."

"Mustang, you'd have to be demoted as low as a Corporal."

A single black eye met the General's eyes and the General saw and heard no hesitation or indecision.

"Do it."

"Where'd you think he went?" Havoc asked as he stared at the doorway Mustang had left through.

"I don't know." Hawkeye's voice was sombre and Havoc turned to look at her and she met his worried blue eyes with eyes just as worried. He absently held the little cat to him as he suddenly shivered.

"Something's not right with him, is it?"

"I don't know." Hawkeye's reply was hushed. "But his reaction just now…" her voice trailed off. "It scares me." Havoc blinked. He had never expected to hear those words from her. Nothing scared Riza Hawkeye. "He left without saying anything and he didn't take the cat or his gloves. Tell me that doesn't scare you."

Havoc swallowed and looked down to meet the one-eyed gaze of the cat he was holding. "Yes… it scares me." He thrust the cat at her. "And why am I holding the damned monster anyway?"

Ed miaowed protesting the sudden rough movement. He was still recovering from the flu and although the crippling lethargy had passed, he was still inclined to feel tired and achy. Roy had been carrying him everywhere the last few days and when Roy had stood up he had expected to go with him. He hadn't thought he would be left behind and it hurt. He felt Hawkeye taking him from Havoc and he curled up around her hands as much as he could, hoping she wouldn't put him down.

He was feeling abandoned. It was the first time since he had become a cat that he had felt this way. Back then he had given them no chance to leave him behind. He had followed and chased to remain with them and as Roy had recovered he had made a place that suited him. Now it had all been overturned. Ed knew he was probably over-reacting. The shock of hearing about Denny Brosh still echoed inside him and Roy's uncharacteristic behaviour was making him nervous and worried. He knew how depressed the man was at home. He hoped Roy wasn't going to do something he was going to regret. Ed knew how easy it was to get weighed under the black moods. But he had barely been twelve, Roy was older, he had been through these situations before. Surely he wouldn't act too rashly? Even depressed as he was, he was always so proud. And Havoc and Hawkeye would stop him.

"Tell me about Denny," Hawkeye ordered as she found herself almost cuddling the cat against her.

"He was found dead in an alley. They say he had crushed ribs and a broken neck," Havoc said with a tremor. "He wasn't even on patrol. They said he'd been volunteering with the kids and was heading back to his unit."

"A random attack?" Hawkeye asked.

"That's what they're thinking." Havoc sighed.

"Ross was due to go East next week. Has she been told?"

"I don't know. We were notified because of… because his CO knew he had helped us with the search for Ed and Al."

"I'll ring her. They've been partners a long time." Hawkeye bit at her lip and Ed shifted to purr gently. He remembered the first time he'd met the simple minded and good natured soldier. He had always been so open and honest in everything and although Ed had not had a lot of contact with him, he had liked him.

"Things must be incredibly tense there right now. This is not going to help," Havoc noted.

"Flashpoint?"

"Possibly. Breda's better at figuring out that sort of thing than I am, but I reckon one more incident and the whole place will explode."

"I think I'll trust your feelings on this one. The thought of Ross and possibly even Major Armstrong going in there makes me even more worried."

"Ex-Major Armstrong." Havoc pointed out.

"It's not his rank that'll be a concern but his abilities. After what happened with …Edward and Alphonse, do you think an alchemist is going to be that welcome there?"

"No," Havoc said slowly. "If Denny was a victim of a random attack then it should be okay, but if it is part of something more deliberate then Armstrong could be targeted." He let his breath out. "How did it get so bad all of a sudden?"

"You know you can't predict these situations. And we're too far away to be of any help."

"You think the Chief went to see if we could be sent there?"

Hawkeye looked startled for a moment and then frowned. "He wouldn't normally request something like that."

"Yeah, but Ed and Al were there."

"We aren't going to find them, Jean." Hawkeye told him and his face dropped slightly.

"I know that Riz, but when I know that both those coffins we buried were empty I just can't quite let them go."

Ed listened to them talking and wondered what he should do now. He doubted that Envy was anywhere near Liore now. He knew the homunculus would have left as soon as he could after causing that destruction. Envy wouldn't hang around a place crawling with soldiers if he had the choice. He'd be going elsewhere but where? Ed frowned. If Roy was seeking to move them to Liore he was going to lose the access to information that being in Central gave him. No-one was going to call Mustang in Liore and there'd be no Jig and Hill to gather gossip from. Ed wasn't going to be able to find Al if they went to Liore.

Al stretched as he reached for the next drawing and began checking the scale even before he picked up his pencil.

"How do you do that so easily?" Alfons queried as he watched.

"Do what?"

"Be able to measure and judge the scale with just your eyes. You rarely use the slide rule."

Al didn't know what to say. Years of drawing alchemy had taken him beyond needing such measuring tools except for large and intricate circles. He scratched at the side of his head. "I don't know."

"It's probably come from doing that astrology with the Professor," Alfons remarked and Al could only shrug and nod his head depreciatingly and hope Alfons wasn't going to ask about the astrology. He still wasn't sure what astrology actually was.

"I'm going to the market and then to see Fraulein Gracia," Noa interrupted from the door. "Was there anything you needed?"

"No thank you," Both Als shook their heads and smiled at her. Alfons went over and shyly kissed her cheek and Al saw the corresponding blush on Noa's face. He looked at the drawings and ignored the soft whisper the pair exchanged before Alfons returned to his seat and Noa had left the room. When Alfons didn't say anything he lifted his head and met the curious look in the eyes opposite him.

"Do you ever wonder if you'll find a girl here, Al?"

Al blinked. "I never even thought about it," he replied in a blank voice.

"What about… in your homeland?" Alfons hesitated in his question. "Did you leave someone behind?" He had rarely asked anything about Al's past or the place he and the Professor had come from.

Al shook his head. "No. I never knew many girls, except our neighbour. We grew up together." And I was rather different from most other boys. Al sighed. I was different to everyone.

Alfons looked at the younger blond. "I'm sorry," he apologised as he heard the sigh.

"It's okay. It's just kind of hard to know I won't see her or any of them again. Winry's just as much family as Brother is." And I hope he's alive because otherwise she's there all alone now and I don't want that.

Alfons was silent for a moment. "Finding someone here would be kind of like betraying them, wouldn't it?"

Al lowered his head and frowned at the drawing. "I don't know. If I knew they were all alright. If I just knew that, then maybe…" But I'd still want to be there with them. He shook himself free of the melancholy mood that threatened and lifted his head dragging a smile up with him. "Just because you have a fiancée doesn't mean I have to have one too."

Roy Mustang entered his office and went to his desk in silence. The golden cat was curled up on his desk and the single eye seemed to glare at him as he sat down. That wasn't the only eye looking at him. He could see the disapproving looks of Hawkeye and Havoc. Fuery and Falman had been told judging by their pale faces.

"Where's Breda?" he asked, his voice level and slightly distant.

"Here." Breda appeared in the doorway, his usually smiling face sombre. "I spoke with Colonel Brack. They'll let us be part of the escort when he arrives."

"Escort?" Mustang queried.

"For Denny Brosh," Hawkeye told him and was surprised to receive a frown rather than an approving nod in response.

"As of Monday you will all be serving under General Ashlen. He will decide your future postings." The words fell without warning and they gaped at him, heads beginning to shake as mouths dropped open.

"No!" Havoc said loudly. "I'm not serving someone else."

"What are you saying, Brigadier-General?" Hawkeye asked as she stood up.

"I am saying that as of Monday I will no longer be your superior officer and you will attend General Ashlen for re-assignment," Mustang replied with a distant expression.

"Why?" Hawkeye stood her ground. "You can't just transfer us like this."

"The decisions have been made. I am transferring out of Central and you will be staying here. The General has said he will try to have you assigned together." The words should have been reassuring but the distant and almost disinterested tone made them empty and unsettling.

"Then we'll go with you," Havoc said firmly and everyone nodded.

"That is not possible." There was a palpable finality in his statement.

"You can't just abandon us, Chief!" Havoc protested and Mustang focused on him. "We promised that we'd always follow you. After Ishbal and when we went East and Liore. We promised. You can not go back on that promise!"

"That promise is void and meaningless now, Lieutenant. The aims and goals of those years have been nullified and there is no point to continuing something that is never going to eventuate." It was the calmness that was most disconcerting. He could have been telling them to empty the bins, not denying everything they had dreamt and worked for.

Ed stared, his ears twitching wildly. He couldn't believe what was happening. Mustang was leaving? Letting his crew go to some other General? It was completely out of character and just plain wrong as far as Ed was concerned. Ever since he had arrived in Central and first met Mustang, the others had always been there. He had always thought the ties between them to be unbreakable. To see Mustang so carelessly and easily cut them loose was unbelievable.

He watched the others. They were having trouble believing it too. They were all moving restlessly and he could see conflicting emotions going across their faces. They looked as if they wanted to yell and shout at Mustang but for some reason they weren't. Ed didn't know if it was because of the differences in rank, which never seemed to matter in most of their interactions within the office. Or whether there was something else he was missing.

"Where are you going?" Hawkeye suddenly asked.

"Somewhere in the North." Mustang reached over and placed his fingers lightly on the cat's head, stroking one of the twitching ears. Ed held himself still, not giving into the instinct that would have had him leaning into those stroking fingers. Nothing was going to distract him from what was happening around him.

"Why are you doing this, Roy?" Hawkeye asked with a determined and grim expression on her face and throwing aside her usual office manner.

And Ed realised that the others weren't saying anything because Hawkeye was the only one who could ask these questions. She had been with him the longest and she was the only one of them that could demand things from him.

"Because I have to do this, Lieutenant." Roy met her eyes steadily and she quailed inside slightly at how distant he appeared. He had never been this detached from them, or her. He was deliberately avoiding her name, she could sense that but she had the feeling that it wasn't because he didn't want to use it, it was more that he didn't care. It was unnerving to think that he could possibly not care at the effect his words and decision were having on them.

"You have a responsibility to us and to the Military. You can not just walk away from it."

"My responsibility is over. You are more than capable of continuing without me." Riza stared at him. Was that his reasoning? That they didn't need him any more?

"You are the one who made our service and duty worthwhile. Your responsibility is not over."

"Service and duty. To me, when it should have been to the State."

Hawkeye's eyes went wide and then narrowed. "Yes, to you. Because we didn't trust the State, because you promised we would change it to be what it should. Because you would never let us down."

"The State has changed and I can not carry the weight anymore. Your trust, your service and duty are too heavy now. As I said earlier, all those promises are meaningless now, and I am tired of living up to your expectations of me."

Ed froze as did the rest of them. Never had he thought to hear Roy say something like that to Hawkeye. Through everything she had been his main support and to have it thrown back in her face was the cruellest thing he had heard.

"I have asked for nothing more than to be at your side, to protect your back. All I have ever wanted was your respect." Hawkeye's face was pale but her voice stayed level.

"You have always had my respect. No matter what has occurred you have always risen to meet every challenge. At my back or at my side, you have always been there. And now you are a constant reminder to my failure." Clinical, distant, empty.

"You have not failed!" Riza told him, her voice rising slightly.

"Then is it your failure? The plans to become Fuhrer, to make this Military something to be honestly proud about. Is it your fault that none of them came to fruition? If you had killed Archer before he shot me, things would be very different."

For the first time in his life Ed saw Riza Hawkeye take a step back from Mustang and as he recognised the emotion that twisted her face he become angry. He didn't think Roy could have been cruller than he already had been, but he had.

"Take that back, bastard! She already blames herself, you don't have to make it worse!" He turned and growled at Roy, glad to have something to focus on as the office he had always known seemed to splinter in front of him. He had come to rely on its familiar routines and rhythms. While everything else was falling apart it had stayed the same. Not anymore. And the last person he would have ever thought of was the one breaking it.

Riza had seen Roy in many moods and tempers. She had never seen him like this. The coldness that his words coated her in was sinking through into her bones. The guilt she had been feeling since that dreadful night became a heavy weight in her chest and only a rigid self-control kept her knees from buckling under it. Thoughts and images she had castigated herself with every night coalesced into an unforgiveable sin. She lifted her head and stared at him.

"I am aware that my actions on that night were insufficient." Riza's voice was stilted and she tried to take refuge in formality. The office was not the place to indulge in hysterics. "However the events of that night are not something I can go back and change, no matter how much I might wish to do so." Despite her rigid control the last words wobbled a bit but Mustang's expression didn't change.

"Enough Chief! If it wasn't for Riza, you'd be dead!" Havoc stepped forward, his face white and he was shaking but he stood next to Hawkeye and glared at Mustang. The single eye blinked and looked at Havoc.

"Death would be preferable to living with failure." Roy watched them as if from a long way away. He listened as he spoke, he catalogued their responses and he wondered at his own impassiveness. He was hurting them, he was hurting her and he didn't care. He was tired. The decision was made, so why were they making this so difficult? He picked up a file and sighed. With empty eye and face he looked at them all. "Monday is three days from now. I suggest you start getting everything organised and completed."

"That's it?" Havoc asked incredulously. "You're going to leave it there?" Outrage coloured his face. "You're just going to pack up and leave and throw away everything we ever achieved?"

"We achieved nothing, Lieutenant." Everything has been lost. They're all dead. "This is where it stops. Anything more would be pointless."

"I did not follow you for the last eight years just to have you call it pointless! You have a responsibility to me and to Riza and to all of us! Damn it, you have a responsibility to Ed and Al as well! How can you make their deaths mean nothing like this?"

Mustang met Havoc's tirade with his empty expression as the words reverberated inside him. The comforting blanket of his depression kept him away from the sting of the words but it couldn't dull it completely. They were too similar to words the ghosts threw at him every night. But Havoc was no ghost, he was very much alive and Roy Mustang wanted him to stay that way.

"My responsibility to you and to everyone is over. It is time you took responsibility for yourselves instead of relying on someone else." Someone like me who will fail you again. "Dismissed, Second-Lieutenant." Mustang opened the file he had picked up and began to read it.

Havoc stared at him, fury and disappointment warring across his face. It took him a long moment to realise that Hawkeye had gripped his forearm and was shaking her head at him. His eyes widened in a glare as his teeth gritted and he scowled at her silently. She kept shaking her head and he grabbed at her wrist.

"Maybe you can forgive this but I can't," he told her. "I don't like being betrayed." He pulled her hand from his arm and let her wrist go before turning and leaving the office. Riza Hawkeye looked from the doorway to Roy who seemed completely involved in his paperwork. She looked away and met the sympathetic gaze of Breda and the nervous one of Fuery. Falman appeared as impassive as Roy but his hand kept fisting. She stared at them and could do nothing.

Ed curled up tight and wondered what to do. His initial shock was wearing off and he half wanted to go and curl up in Roy's lap as usual. The expression on Roy's face was the same one he wore every evening. Ed had thought he had understood the depression Roy had been feeling. He had seen how bad the nightmares were, he had been there when the man had cried not only in the rain but during those nights on the bathroom floor. He had heard the endless broken apologies. But now he knew he didn't understand it all. Not with the way Roy was behaving now. There was no sign of the nightly torment. There was no sign of anything.

Ed was torn between sympathies. Roy had to be hurting somewhere even if he wasn't showing it. The rest of them were definitely hurting and Ed found his sympathy tinged with anger when he looked at them. How could Roy be so heartless even if he was depressed? Why was he so set on leaving? Ed flicked his tail around and gnawed at the end of it. He was going to have to find a way to communicate with Roy. He had no choice now. Not if Roy was intending to leave. This was changing everything.

"Fraulein Noa?" The young dark-haired man who suddenly appeared in front of her clicked his heels together as he gave a small bow. "If you would accompany us, danke." He extended a gloved hand, pointing to a car parked beside them. The back door was being held open by one man and there was another in the driver's seat.

Noa looked at the three of them noting the expressions of polite patience and shook her head.

"I am most sorry, mein Herr, but I am on my way home."

The face of the man in front of her did not change. "Hans," he said and Noa suddenly felt something hard in the middle of her back. "I regret Fraulein, but my invitation can not be refused. This will not take long and you will be back in time to prepare the evening meal." He reached across and removed the bag from her hand. "Allow me to carry your shopping." He turned and walked towards the car and Noa had no choice but to follow.

They appeared very serious she noted as she entered the car and they began to drive away. She never saw whatever the man called Hans had been pressing into her back and he was now seated beside the driver. The man who had first accosted her sat next to her, and the fourth man was on her other side. Apart from him no-one had spoken and they remained silent for the ten minutes the drive took.

They were politely courteous as she got out of the car and she entered what appeared to be an undistinguished house. Flanked by Hans and the man she had sat next to, she followed the young man down a passage to a heavy wooden door. He knocked twice and then opened it.

"The Fraulein Noa, Sir," he said as he entered the room and Noa was ushered into the room. Books lined the walls and a fireplace was lit at one end. An older man was rising from one of the chairs set by the fire.

"Welcome Fraulein," he said easily. "Thank you for bringing her here so efficiently, Rudolf. He nodded at the young man who nodded back at him as he dismissed the other two men and closed the door behind them. "Now Fraulein, if you would be seated, we will get straight to the point here."

Noa walked hesitantly towards the seat he indicated and felt the young man take a position between her and the door. They were being so polite but she felt uncomfortable. They were maintaining a distance both physically and mentally using that very politeness. She sat down and the older man settled back into his chair.

"My name is Karl Haushofer and we are here to discuss exactly how you can help us with your special talents, Fraulein Noa."

Noa's eyes went wide and she tried to stay calm. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Herr Haushofer gave a small sigh and leant back in his chair. "It is pointless for you to deny or pretend you have no knowledge of this. There are many in your past who would testify as to your abilities. Not the least would be your last employer who was most disappointed with your disappearance." Noa stiffened. "I have no intentions to being anything but honest with you. I would appreciate if you would do the same."

Noa watched him carefully. He appeared to be telling the truth but she didn't trust him. The whole situation was frightening and she wanted to get out of here. She wondered if she should ask to touch him, to confirm the truth of his words and then wondered if that was what he wanted her to do. Was it a trap?

"Why should I help you?"

"Because you want the same thing we do. A home, a place where your race doesn't matter. A place without prejudice."

"There's no such place."

"Actually there is." There was a small pause. "And you can help us get there."

As the door to his apartment closed behind him Roy walked to his couch and sat down. The cat in his arms wriggled free and stretched on the cushion beside him. Ed looked at the silent man. He was staring blindly across the room and Ed was shocked to see a line of water appear from the single eye and slip down the still face.

Ed couldn't call it crying. It was a single line that just kept sliding from eye to jaw and then fell onto his uniform. Roy was oblivious and Ed hung his head with indecision. Ever since Roy had spoken Ed had kept a distance between them. He had been friends with the others for a long time and he could understand all too well how it felt to have Roy abandon them. But these last months of being continually at Roy's side had brought him closer than he had ever believed possible and he knew that Roy was not coping well no matter how assured he looked to the others. Damn the man and his stupid pride, Ed thought as he lifted his head and padded back onto Roy's lap. He pushed his head up under the stiff jaw and flattened himself comfortably up Roy's chest. He could feel the water begin to sink into his fur and he nuzzled his head against the smooth skin of Roy's neck for a moment before settling and listening to the breathing that remained steady.

It took a long time before the water stopped and Roy's arms moved to hold the cat close as his breathing suddenly hitched and the unceasing "sorry, sorry" began.

Edward was in a bad mood as he stalked along the corridors of Headquarters. It was nine in the morning and he was tired and unsettled. He ignored the startled glances he was getting. He knew he wasn't usually seen at this hour and there were more people moving about so he stayed close to the walls. But the bastard hadn't fed him either last night or this morning so he had had to go to the mess for breakfast.

Mess. Everything was a mess right now. Roy had spent all night on the couch. Even when Roy had finally fallen asleep it hadn't lasted long. Within an hour he had been awake again, slipping between nightmares and wakefulness for the rest of the night. Ed hadn't been able to settle; the events of the day and the obvious pain Roy was in had kept him from relaxing.

Ed's tail swished as he walked faster. He had thought that telling Roy he was here would help. Maybe some of that pain would go if Roy realised Ed wasn't dead. That he hadn't failed. Except that telling Roy was going to be a lot harder than he had thought.

It had seemed such a simple thing. All he had to do was scratch his name or even 'bastard' and Roy was going to know something was going on. He had gone looking for somewhere to scratch his message and realised that most of the floor was carpeted and the two rooms that weren't, were tiled and even the automail didn't help. He had looked at the walls next and been faced with two problems. The first was the furniture that limited the surface area he could get at. The second was his size. If he wanted to scratch his name on the wall he could do so…a foot off the ground. And Roy was not going to see that. Ed had then looked for a higher position. Being a cat did have the advantage that he could sit comfortably on something like Roy's dresser and mark the wall there. Or even the dresser top itself. The wood was soft enough and an automail claw would make it even easier.

And that's when the other problems had become clear. Scratching was easy until you wanted to specific lines. A single straight line. It should not have been hard. It had taken him five minutes. He had discovered that he couldn't use the normal paw. The claws didn't make strong enough marks and occasionally he'd get shivers go up his back as they skidded on the wood. He hadn't been able to get only one claw to appear, so there were fainter lines from the other claws besides his intended line. He had switched to the automail paw thinking he'd get a better resulting mark and found himself with more problems. As a human he hadn't used his automail hand for writing so now he felt as if he was using his wrong hand. Then he had problems judging his strength as the wood had splintered and cracked when he pressed too hard. And again he couldn't get just one claw to appear.

When he finally managed a small straight line he ran into another problem. Curves were out. Cats paws didn't flex like human wrists and the retractable claws that had seemed so wonderful now became an annoyance as the wrong movement had them retracting and disappearing when he tried to turn a wrist that wasn't there anymore. He started again and tried to put straight lines for every curve and even he had to admit the result looked nothing like the 'b' he had been trying for. The lines were uneven and crooked and the marks from the other claws had made it hard to tell what it should be. He had not been happy. He was going to have to practice if he wanted to be legible. It was like having to learn how to write all over again. And he didn't have much time to improve either. Not if Roy really was going to leave for the North. He had to tell him before then.

"How can you keep defending him, Riz?"

Ed heard Havoc speaking and stopped, tilting his head and targeting the office it was coming from. He stayed close to the wall and sat near the half-opened door. Havoc hadn't come back to the office since he had left it yesterday and judging from the tone of his voice, it was going to be a while before he did return.

"He needs our support, Jean." Hawkeye sounded tired to Ed's sharp ears.

"And we need his! He's not the only one who's had his dreams taken away from him. He's forgetting that we had just as much at stake as he did. We should all be getting through this together, but he's running away, betraying us all like this. He doesn't care about us."

"You can't say that. He's kept us together all this time. We've been with him since the beginning."

"Then why is he leaving us? Huh? After all these years? I never thought of him as a quitter, Riz, but that's what he's doing. It doesn't turn out like he wanted so he's giving up. And he doesn't even have the decency to apologise for it."

"He was probably afraid he'd break down in front of us." Ed wondered if Havoc could hear how tired and automatic Hawkeye was sounding. As if she'd stayed awake all night going over every excuse she could find for Roy's behaviour.

"Do you know what? I wish he would. I really wish he would, because right now he's nothing more than an unfeeling bastard." There was a pause. "And you know what really annoys me, Riz? It's that you're standing there and letting him do this." Havoc's voice became heavy and Ed's ears twitched. "Out of us all, you're the one closest to him. You think I don't know how you feel about him? Doesn't what he's doing here hurt you more because you lo…"

"No!" Hawkeye's voice was sharp. "Do not say anymore. You know nothing about it and whatever I may be feeling has nothing to do with this."

"You're deluding yourself if you believe that. Don't you want him to stay? Don't you want to know that if you tell him you love him, he'll stay?" Havoc's voice rose over Hawkeye's protests.

"Shut up, Jean!"

"Then do something!I've had one person I respect and admire betray me, Riza. Don't let the other one I respect and love more than anything else let me down too." There was a silence that made Ed's fur rise and he imagined them standing there staring at each other. He wondered if he should inch forward and peek at them when he heard the soft 'fuck' from Havoc and the sound of boots approaching.

Havoc came out of the room and walked away rapidly. Ed could see his shoulders slumping as he disappeared around the corner. Ed moved to the doorway and looked in. Hawkeye was leaning back on a desk, her face white and her eyes squeezed tightly closed. A hand was over her mouth as if to keep any noise from escaping and her other arm was wrapped around her. Ed had never seen her looking so vulnerable.

Without thinking he entered the room and moved to jump up on the desk beside her. He leant against her and began purring softly. He could feel fine tremors going through her and they stayed like for a brief moment and then she stepped away. Her eyes opened and she looked at the small cat. Ed was surprised by the expressions that crossed her face. Shame and dislike. He stopped purring and tilted his head in a puzzled manner. Her mouth opened as if she was going to speak but nothing came out and her back straightened as she closed her lips. A frown appeared before she turned away and left the room.

Ed stared after her. The dislike he could almost understand. He knew she wasn't fond of him but he hadn't thought she actually disliked him. Ed scratched absently at an ear. And was he mistaken to think he had just heard Havoc saying he loved her? Even before he had become a cat, Edward had known that Hawkeye had deep feelings for Mustang. But no-one had ever come right out and called it love before. At least Ed had never heard anyone say that. And certainly not to Hawkeye's face. But why had he seen shame on her face? Embarrassment he could've understood. Hawkeye kept her feelings and emotions well-concealed and to have Havoc speak of things she hadn't mentioned would have made her embarrassed. But Ed didn't understand the shame. He couldn't see anything to be shameful about.

He frowned and jumped down from the desk. Time to go back to Roy. He wondered if he should practise scratching on Roy's desk. The others would be there and could possibly see it if he did. He stopped. Did he want them to know? Yet? He was going to tell Roy because he wanted him to get out of this depressive state and hopefully make him stay. The threat and uncertainty of what Cresson was planning had kept him silent so far. If Roy left, then Cresson would… could …possibly leave Roy alone. But then his staff would be unprotected. Ed's claws went in and out as they dug into the carpet. Roy had said Ashlen would reassign them. Cresson was already working against Bister, was Ashlen any safer?

He wanted to bite something in his frustration. Why had Roy chosen now to be such an idiot? Maybe he should bite the idiotic bastard after all, or he could practise his scratching on the man himself.

The persistent knocking penetrated the fog and Roy blinked slowly before standing up and walking to his door. Everything felt so distant and he found it hard to concentrate on anything. Thoughts were random and rarely stayed long enough for him to focus on. He opened the door and found Hawkeye standing there.

"Hello Roy."

"Hello Riza." He stepped back and let her enter. He closed the door behind her, wondering why she was here. Nothing showed on his face as he walked back. "Would you like something to drink?" he asked politely and automatically.

"No. Thank you." He nodded and waved her towards a seat but she shook her head.

"No. I came here to talk to you, Roy."

"What did you want to discuss?" He sat down on the couch and a hand went out to stroke the cat beside him. Both the cat and Hawkeye looked at him with disbelief. How could ask when it was obvious why she was here?

"Your decision to leave," she said firmly.

"I don't intend to change my mind," he told her without emphasis.

"If I begged you to stay?"

Roy froze. "No." The word came out without hesitation despite the cold spreading inside him. He took a careful breath as his chest prickled and looked at her. "I don't want you to beg."

"So…" Hawkeye paused and Roy waited. Even in his frozen state he could sense something else coming. The look on her face was hard to define and he wasn't sure he wanted to label that expression. "So telling you I love you wouldn't change your mind either."

Roy blinked. Even the fog within him seemed to blink. For a moment he wondered why he heard her so clearly. Weren't you supposed to doubt your ears or something in these situations? He stared at her as he tried to sort out the maelstrom that suddenly broke through his fog. Old images and feelings assaulted him as did more recent events. There was resentment at suddenly feeling again after being comfortably numbed in the depression. Anger and confusion wrapped around the bone deep sorrow and worthlessness. His eye flickered and he straightened.

"…love me?" His voice was rough and unused. He met her steady gaze and was caught again in words and images that wanted to escape. "It won't make me stay," he managed to say.

"Why won't you stay? Here, with me." Riza wasn't going to back down. She had come under the goad of Jean Havoc's words working at her conscience and thoughts all day, and now she had started, she wasn't going to stop. "I love you."

"And if I don't stay will you still love me?" Roy asked through the seething emotions.

"Of course I will."

"Would you come with me?" He felt dizzy.

"What?"

"Would you come with me to the North?"

Riza paused stunned. Was he really being serious? She hadn't thought about going with him. She had thought he would stay here. She stared at him. He appeared sincere but the longer she remained silent the more there appeared a disconcerting tilt to his head.

"I didn't think so." His words broke the silence.

"I haven't said no!" she exclaimed.

"You didn't have to. Your pause was more than eloquent." A frown creased his forehead. "I once told you I loved you. You told me we were too young, that we had plenty of time. You never told me you loved me then and you never mentioned it again. Not even on that night in Ishbal when I begged you to leave. You kept on saying you had to stay by side. That it was duty, your service. It was never your love."

"It … it as all I could offer you. You became my commanding officer. You had a plan and a vision. And I could protect you. I promised you and my father to always be at your side."

"Every time I saw you there it was a reminder that I was just a duty. That you had made a promise not just to me but to your father as well. I didn't want you there because you had made a promise!" Roy's voice rose and he stood up. "I wanted you there because you loved me!"

Riza stared at him. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"I'd already told you I loved you. Did you forget it?"

"But all the other women? Your plans?"

"I was supposed to sit back and wait for you?" There was a bite to his words and she stepped back. "You were the only woman who knew about my plans. Didn't that tell you anything? You've been remarkably blind or was it complacency? Did you think I would always be there?" The edge became more noticeable and Roy found himself at the mercy of the words inside him. The resentment bubbled over and he lashed out.

"I believed you would always be there. You promised me that!" Riza snapped back at him. "You're the one leaving me behind."

"I asked you to come with me and you hesitated. Your sense of duty allows you to say you love me as long as we stay here? It's too late, Riza. It's too late for everything. Too late for me and too late for you."

Riza frowned. "Why is it too late?" The contemplative tone to his voice worried her. The life he had shown was ebbing away.

"You made me feel like I was an obligation you had to serve. You continually spoke of duty and service and protection. You said you'd be at my side, but you moved behind me, following wherever I went. You never once stood up and demanded anything for yourself. You became a colleague. You became just a friend. There's no love anymore."

Riza blanched. He hadn't seen her devoted service as a sign of her love? He hadn't seen her silence as a means to protect him? She had thought he had understood and accepted the reasons for her behaviour. Had she been wrong? How could she have gotten it wrong? Roy was smarter than that. He could not have thought that. He was just saying it so she wouldn't press him to stay.

"I don't believe you. You've always been too stubborn and steadfast in everything you do. You wouldn't change how you feel so easily."

"So easily? How long has it been? Ten years? Twelve? Even I have limits." Roy sighed and the fog crept back into him. "I'm tired, Riza. I don't love you and I'm not staying. I think it's time you left."

Riza stared at him. There was a pain in her chest that wasn't moving as she saw the distant look in his eye. The urge to scream at him, to break down and cry in front of him pushed hard at her self-control and she refused to let it win. Somehow she doubted it would affect him now. Maybe she should have done it a long time ago. He had always commented her on her self-control, she hadn't realised that perhaps it wasn't the compliment she had thought it to be. She took a deep breath.

"I was a fool to think that you still prized honesty. Perhaps that's the real betrayal."

Roy was silent as her words rolled over him. He recognised the hurt and pain. There was a part of him that wanted to reassure her but the fog was sucking him back in and despite everything he was not going to offer her any false hope. He had reached the end of his words. He had said what he had to and now she was going to leave and he would be able to leave and no-one was going to get hurt anymore.

Riza waited and waited but he remained silent. She wanted him to say something, to deny her words, to stop her from leaving. But he wasn't going to do that she realised with a sinking pain. He was going to let her go because he had already left her. She turned and went to the door. She paused but there was no sound behind her. She opened the door and slammed it behind her.

Roy sat down and looked at the door with an empty eye and mind. I hurt her. Even without gloves I hurt people. Honesty. I'm a selfish bastard. I blamed her to protect myself.

He reached out for the cat instinctively and it hissed at him even as he held it against him.

"Will I hurt you too? I've already let you down. When will it stop?"

Ed stopped hissing and laid his head against Roy's chest. He wanted to go and practise his scratching but he couldn't leave him like this. He didn't understand Roy at all anymore. He was still trying to take in all Hawkeye had said and Roy's replies had confused him. He had been telling the truth, but Ed had caught edges to some of the words. Roy had not been telling the whole truth. And Riza had been holding herself back as well. Why was everything changing again, he wondered. When will it stop? Will it ever stop? How long will I be like this? I want…what I can not have. Stupid bastard, now you're making me depressed.

The Professor was out at the University and Alfons had gone to the workshop. There was no-one else around as Noa knelt by the sofa. She looked at the sleeping Al. It was mid-afternoon and he had fallen asleep after another all-nighter with Alfons. His breathing was soft and even and he was more relaxed than she had ever seen him. His hair was growing and it was falling across his face. She was used to the likeness between them now, but he looked even younger in his sleep. This is how my Alfons would have looked when he was young. He is so innocent. Will I destroy that?

A week had passed since she had met with Herr Haushofer and she knew that the young man, Herr Rudolf, would probably be waiting for her sometime tomorrow when she went shopping. They had given her a week to decide and they would want her answer. They had been honest with her as far as she could tell. Both in what they wanted and also in what would happen if she said anything.

She had been dubious and inclined to tell the Professor until the next day when she had received a letter from her family. Two of her sisters had been taken away 'and would be safe as long as their sister obeys' one of her aunts wrote. The uneasiness had become outright fear when she read it. The quiet casual threat had not been empty at all. Both her families were threatened.

The urge to tell the Professor had grown but she remembered the expression his face had held that day and she remembered his words. And she feared what would happen to him. That look of sacrifice was still vivid in her mind and she looked at Al again. How would he react if something happened to his father? She shivered. She'd already gathered that the two had been separated for many years. To have them parted again seemed too cruel. She felt Al's need for family every time she touched him. She couldn't let anything threaten that.

She reached out her hand and it hung an inch above his forehead.

All they wanted was to confirm that Al and the Professor came from another place, one so far away that it was untouched by the prejudices and persecutions she was familiar with. She already knew they were from somewhere else but she had never sought to find out more. And there was no way she could bring herself to touch the Professor again. It wasn't much they wanted. There didn't seem to be any harm in it but there was an uneasy sense of taking a first step into something terrible.

Her fingers rested on his smooth skin and she closed her eyes.

This wasn't betrayal, was it?

Envy slipped and found himself sliding down the side of the low sand dune. He managed to keep his balance and pulled the cloak tighter around him as he pulled his feet free of the soft sand. He could hear the sand shifting behind him as Wrath made his way down. Without looking back, Envy began to climb the next dune.

He was glad to finally be out of that damned city. Killing that soldier had set off an immediate city-wide search and Envy had used the accessible tunnels to keep him and Wrath from discovery. Calling for such a comprehensive search meant the perimeter patrols had been cut back and Envy had found that out as he had watched them. Three days after he had killed that soldier, he threatened Wrath to get him to move and set off into the desert.

He had taken a different angle to the military tracks but he could see them in the distance. He didn't want to risk being found and he knew they were highly visible at the moment. Common sense had never played a major part in his planning but this time he was going to have to use it. Another dune and he would get Wrath to dig them a shallow hole to spend the rest of the day in. Travelling at night and hiding during the day would make the trip longer, but Envy was not going to take any chances until he was out of this damned sandpit of a desert.

The sand got into his scaled lines and it was itching. He scratched and looked forward. He was going to Central.

Riza Hawkeye watched Roy Mustang as he read and signed reports and did his paperwork. Not once did he look at her with anything but that empty distant expression. It was as if she hadn't spoken and it hurt all over again. If it hadn't been his last day she might have found an excuse not to be here. He was the only who seemed untouched by that fact. Even the little cat seemed uneasy and it was often scratching at the desk.

Would the cat go with him she wondered. Of course it would she told herself. If she was going Hayate would go with her. And she would be glad to see the little animal go. He had witnessed too much lately. It was too sharp and it had seen Havoc's easy stripping away of her façade and it had seen Roy's dismissal of her confession. Every time she met that golden eye she was reminded and felt a wave of shame that it had seen her in such circumstances. It was irrational she knew, but there was a disconcerting directness to it's gaze and no amount of pride seemed to deflect it.

Riza tried to concentrate on her paperwork and gathered what strength she could. She was going to make it through this last day.

-

Karl Haushofer became disillusioned after Germany's loss and severe sanctioning, retiring with the rank of Major General in 1919. At this time, he forged a friendship with the young Rudolf Hess who would become his scientific assistant. In 1919 Haushofer became an associate professor for political geography at Munich University and in 1933 professor. Rumours are that he was once a student of George Gurdjieff - a Greek-Armenian mystic, a teacher of sacred dances, and a spiritual teacher. Others claim that he was a secret member of the Thule Society.

Rudolf Hess went to Munich after World War 1 and joined the Freikorps. He also joined the Thule Society. Hess enrolled in the University of Munich where he studied political science, history, economics, and geopolitics under Professor Karl Haushofer. After hearing Hitler speak in May 1920, he became completely devoted to his leadership. For commanding an SA battalion during the Beer Hall Putsch, Hess served seven and a half months in Landsberg prison. Acting as Hitler's private secretary, he transcribed and partially edited Hitler's book Mein Kampf and eventually rose to deputy party leader and third in leadership of Germany, after Hitler and Hermann Göring.

Author's Note: Finally this is done… a week after I wanted but I've had so many distractions and various problems floating around and angst is something that takes me awhile to write... I'm not good with angst...lol...my profuse apologies for the delay…

On a brighter note, this little one turned one last week and I very fond of him still, despite his stubbornness at times… smiles… I've also gone through and done some adding and editing for the earlier chapters, most noticeably the last two where I've gone and reordered the sections to make the time line less confusing…there are no major changes, just hopefully a bit more depth and to fix a few errors I made…

Thank you all so much for your support and patience with me…

silken :)