Most Retarded Thing Ever Written

By: Der Moose

Disclaimer: I don't own Silent Hill or any of the characters

This is a re-write of the first chapter of The Most Retarded Thing Ever Written. I looked back through it, and I realized that the first chapter sucked.. So I did a few repairs.. Maybe it will not be so bad this time around, Read & Review please.

Warning to those who haven't read this before: possibly offensive language, most definitely crude, vulgar humor, and lots of other non-politically correct shenanigans.

Chapter 1

It Begins..

The sun is shining through the window of the apartment, waking our good friend, Pyramid Head. With a smile, he sits up and ponders the day. Only one thing comes to mind of course, having just slept in a bed of rotting meat.

"Shower..." says P cheerfully as he rubs the sleep from his helmet, hopeful of what the day will bring.

He gets out of bed and goes to the bathroom, only to find it locked. He hears the sound of water running on the other side of the door, and what sounded like a little girl humming. Figuring it was only Laura taking a bath or playing in the toilet or something, he decides to nap a little longer until the bathroom was free.

Meanwhile.. In the closet..

The light shines through the crack in the door, waking Henry as it hits his eyes.

He yawns and stretches to the best of his ability.

"The sun is up! I hope its going to be another super-duper day!" Henry says cheerfully before beginning to hum to himself.

"Maybe Walter and James will let me out of here soon..." he thinks to himself hopefully.

Suddenly, P. is awakened from his dream.

Aggravated, he shouts "Dammit, every timeཀ She was just about to...."

He stops mid sentence, feeling a pain in his loins.

"Oh man.... I have got to put forth urine.."

As he tries to get up, he notices that his hand is wet.

"What the hell?" he inquires to himself.

He looks over and sees a bowl of water sitting on the floor where his hand had been.

"Son of a... really? How dick!"

He winces as the pain begins to get worse.

Jumping out of bed, he runs to the bathroom, assuming that it was free by now.

His heart sinks as he finds it locked. He grows furious as he hears that same humming sound coming from inside.

"Laura? Is that you? Hurry up, you have been in there forever!"

The humming only gets louder, devouring what little was left of P.'s patience.

"Open the door, you snotty little brat!" he shouts angrily.

A man's voice is heard from inside the bathroom, "Hey, that's my line, bitch!"

P. Is puzzled beyond belief, "That's not Laura.." he thinks to himself.

With the pain clearing the sleep his mind a bit, he realized that there was only one man in the apartment with a voice that high.

"James? I'm going to piss in your fish tank if you don't get outta there NOW!" he screams, banging on the door.

"Go away, me and Mr. Duckykins are playing!" he shouts in reply.

P. Clenches his fist as he hears James whisper, "Its ok Mr. Duckykins... big mean ol' Pyramid head isn't gonna hurt you, no he isn't...."

P. has finally run out of time, if he doesn't piss now, he will surely collapse on the ground and lie in a growing puddle of his own urine.

He smiles as he rips the door off its hinges. He rushes in, and lets loose. An ear-piercing scream filled the room,

"Taste my pain, sack leech!" P. Shouts victoriously.

He unleashes the yellow fury not on the toilet, but on poor James.

"you son of a bi..." James stops mid sentence, gagging.

"Agh! you sick motherfu.." he manages to stammer before vomiting into the bathwater.

P sighs, tilting his head back and enjoying his victory over adversity.

James continues swearing at P, vomiting up things that should not ever be in the human stomach in the first place.

James gets out of the tub frantically, having come to the realization that he should get up and out of the stream of piss. He slips and falls in getting out. Grabbing his towel, he struggles to put it on as he gets up.

P. finishes, putting his apron back down.

He looks in the mirror, polishing his helmet, still laughing

"Hahaha, You might want to hurry up and put that towel on, James. It's been awhile since I've seen a woman as pretty as you without clothes on..." he says, mocking James.

James walks out of the room, "You sausage miner! I'll get you back for this, watch your ass, cuz I'll jam it way up there!"

P looks over, concerned, and Walter peers out of his room (Which is actually Henry's old laundry room).

"What the hell?" asks Walter, a look of scared wonder on his face.

"Uhh.. My foot.... I mean..." James says, trying weakly to defend himself.

P. goes back to polishing his helmet and Walter goes back into his room.

James runs down the hallway, crying like a wounded animal hanging by its teats from a guardrail. "I hate you guys! Pick on me because my Mommy shoved a rolling pin up my ass, will you? I'll show you!"

Henry's voice is heard from the closet, "what happened, did James drink the bug spray again?"

AN: Well, I do hope that this was an improvement. Please, let me know what you think.