Remus looked dully at the stains on his floor. What else was there for him to do? At a ripe twenty one years old he had no job and no longer had any friends left to speak of. He gave a listless sigh, rolling onto his back. What was he to do with his days now? What would he do on nights of the full moon? Hot, salty liquid built up in and stung his honey eyes.

All he'd held near and dear was gone. Ripped right out from under him and his world was now upside down. Lily and James were dead. Dead; never coming back. Peter was dead too, and at Sirius' hand. All of them due to Sirius, even though the former two were not killed by him directly. How on Earth could Sirius have done such a thing?

No. No, he wouldn't accept it. Sirius could never do such terrible things. Not his Sirius, the raven haired boy he'd been so close to. The one he loved effortlessly and shamelessly. Well, that's not completely truthful. He'd never confessed to his feelings for Sirius, and now he'd never get the chance. Sirius was in Azkaban prison, and would be for the rest of their lives. How could Remus love him if he were indeed guilty of what he'd been put away for? Young Mr. Lupin forced that thought from his mind.

It was a week ago that he got the word James and Lily had been found and murdered by the Dark Lord. Sirius was their secret keeper. It had to have been Sirius who betrayed them… unless it was Peter. Remus' eyes widened at this revelation. It could fit. Why would Sirius murder Peter and not come after him too? Of course, Sirius could have had intentions of coming after him next, but Remus chose to not believe that possibility.

He'd been so strong until now. He hadn't shed one tear, but now they came one after another with no end in sight. If only he'd said something four years ago when he'd come to terms with the fact that he was definitely in love with Sirius. Even if Sirius hadn't loved him back, maybe things could've been different. Confessing was no longer an option; this was a fact that Remus knew would weigh on his heart for years to come. Maybe even until the day he died.

He sobbed for hours. Over the lost time he'd never be able to make up for, and all the could-have-beens that would never be. He missed his friends greatly, all of them. Even Peter. While he was possibly a traitor of the first water, he'd still been a good friend to Remus. Above all, he was the most devastated over the loss of Sirius. He wasn't dead, but he may as well have been.

The young werewolf would have to leave his flat eventually. He'd have to integrate back into society and ignore all the pitying stares. How would he function? What would he talk about? He couldn't ever love anyone but his dear Padfoot, so that topic was out the window. He couldn't really talk about his affections for a person everyone believed to be filth of the lowest kind. And it wasn't as if Sirius had ever been his. There was no lost love, however much Remus wished there was. He didn't care what the old saying was- he could and would miss what he never had.

So Remus just kept crying. As there were no end to the tears in sight, there was no hope for a happy ending. It was all shot to h-ell now. He longed to speak to James or Lily again. He'd never get to. He longed to give Sirius one last lingering hug like the ones they'd share after everyone else had turned their backs. He'd never get to.

The worst part had to be that Sirius would never know. All the shy glances, all the mumbled excuses for staring… he'd never know the truth. And further more, he'd never let Remus move on. He'd continue to obliviously hold Remus back. Without lifting a finger, he'd be holding him back.