Four teenage girls sit in the basement of a house in the bowels of St. Louis, MO. They're sprawled out on the sectional couch, staring at a big screen TV. One, Maggie, has short dark hair and a dog collapsed in her lap. Another is Amanda, with shoulder-length brown hair and green eyes. Kelly, with shorter dark-blonde hair, is perched in the main seat of the sectional, messing with the buttons and switches on the armrest. And, grinning at the TV screen, is blonde-haired, blue-eyed Meagan.
Amanda: Do we really have to watch this -- again?
Meagan: Yes. I'm surprised you even needed to ask that.
Maggie: It was your fault, Kelly. You asked her what she wanted to watch.
Kelly: I had no idea it would be Children of the Corn 2 -- again!
Meagan: Well, you asked!
The TV screen displays a cornfield. Meagan squeals happily.
Meagan: Yay! This is the best movie ever!
Kelly: (sarcastically) Even better than Children of the Corn 4?
Meagan: Oh, please. A guy with a face drawn on his hand in lipstick performing a puppet show is better than Children of the Corn 4.
Amanda: I watched that while I taped it for you. I got distracted by my lava lamp. It had more action.
Meagan: Josiah was fun an' all, but... I couldn't help but make fun of it. Especially when the doctor got sliced in half with the conveniently-placed blade on the wheely-bed-thing.
Kelly: And the names, oi! No one was anyone! Everyone was someone else!
Maggie: I'm surprised you're letting us talk through the movie.
Meagan: Micah hasn't appeared yet. You can talk until then.
Kelly: Can we yell advice to the characters on the screen?
All: Hell, yeah!
They talk a little while longer, munching on popcorn and screaming at the stupid people in the movie.
Maggie: Run, you moron!
Amanda: Oh, please. Who drives into a cornfield after doing a news story on a group of demonic children who killed their parents in the corn?
Kelly: And then gets out of the car?! God, forget it! I'm not helping you idiots anymore!
Meagan: EEK! LOOK OUT! IT'S THE GOPHER WITH INFRA-RED VISION!
Everyone pauses to look at her.
Meagan: It burrows. Its point of view is all screwed up. It's a gopher with infra-red vision.
Blank stares.
Maggie: I thought it was He Who Walks Behind The Rows.
Meagan: It is. The Gopher Who Walks Behind The Rows.
Kelly: With infra-red vision, no less!
--Time Passes!--
Maggie is sipping on a Coke while Amanda and Meagan argue.
Amanda: I don't care what you say! No one is hotter than Quentin!
Meagan: Micah's hotter than Quentin!
Kelly: Sh! I'm trying to hear this!
Maggie blinks.
Maggie: You're actually watching this? I lost interest when they stopped using Wizard of Oz symbolism.
Kelly: Gah! You made me miss more!
Meagan doesn't even look at the screen.
Meagan: "What happened in Gatlin was those kids went ape-shit and killed everybody." There, you caught up?
Everyone blinks at her.
Amanda: You've got it memorized?
Meagan: (sheepishly) Well, when we rented it for the first time, I had nothing else to do, so...
Thunder and lightning flash outside. Everyone jumps.
Maggie: Put up the blanket over the French doors, Meagan. I can't stand them. Someone could be looking at us right now and we'd never know it.
Amanda: Ack! I read that one story, the urban legend, about the girl who saw the guy standing outside when she looked at the French doors, and the police came and they couldn't find any tracks outside, but then--
Everyone: (boredly) They found the tracks behind the couch because it was his reflection she saw. He wasn't outside, he was right behind her.
Amanda: (sulks) Well, he was.
Meagan: I'm not getting up. Not after remembering that pointless urban legend.
Amanda: That wasn't pointless! It has a moral!
Maggie: And what's that?
Amanda: Always look behind you.
Kelly: Oh, for heaven's sake!
Lightning flashes again. The TV makes a funny crackling noise. John Garrett's face goes all wavy, then goes back to normal.
Maggie: Storm's getting worse.
Amanda: Thank you, Captain Obvious!
Meagan: Oh, stop it. As long as it doesn't wack out while Micah's giving his "I was stoned" speech, I'm fine.
Maggie: "I was stoned" speech?
Kelly: You know. "And in my vision, I saw a circle of light. And the lights moved faster and faster."
Meagan: Can you say 'acid trip'?
Amanda: Kelly, you've got it memorized too?
Kelly: (sheepishly) She forces me to watch it when we're bored.
Meagan: Force, my ass! You watch it willingly!
More lightning and thunder. Cuddles, the dog who has been immobile on the couch the whole time, wises up and shoots upstairs. The TV crackles again and Frank Redbear's face goes all fuzzy.
Maggie: That's kind of cool, actually.
Kelly: If the TV goes out, Meagan's gonna have a cow. We haven't seen Micah's M&M eyes yet.
Meagan's already up and pounding on the TV screen.
Meagan: Quit it, you stupid thing! I command you work, insubordinate blasphemous fool!
Everyone blinks.
Amanda: What?
Meagan: It's Isaac talk. It's fun. All I need now is some helium and a hideously ugly red-haired guy to follow me around.
She kicks the TV.
Meagan: STOP NOT WORKING!
Maggie: (whispering) She's going to short-circuit.
More thunder and lightning, quite loud now. The TV wavers one more time, and finally goes black.
Meagan: AW, CRAP!
She stalks over and seizes the remote.
Maggie: Lookout. She's on the rampage now.
Kelly: Do you know what's wrong?
Meagan: No, but I can sure as hell press a lot of buttons.
She proceeds to do so, grumbling all the while.
Meagan: Power. TV-VCR. Go back. Info.
Amanda: I don't think that's going to work, Meagan--
Meagan: Sh. I think I'm making progress. Slow, stop, search, clear, speed--
She scowls and jumps up and down in frustration.
Meagan: Gah! All these stupid buttons and none of them work!
Kelly: (points) What does that one do?
Meagan: Input? Idunno. We'll find out.
Just as she presses the button, there's a huge clap of thunder and a big flash of lightning. Everyone screams as the power goes out.
Maggie: It is really, really dark down here!
Amanda: Thank you, Captain Obvious!
Kelly: Get your elbow out of my nose!
Meagan: That's your nose? But it's all squishy.
The chaos ensues. The girls stumble around blindly. Meagan whimpers.
Meagan: But we're missing his speech, Kelly! His speech!
Some voice: And the lights moved faster and faster and -- wait. Why isn't there any light? (pause) It's really dark.
Everyone: (pauses, then shrieks)
Maggie: There's somebody down here!
Amanda: IT'S THE GUY FROM THE URBAN LEGEND!
Kelly: Meagan, get your elbow out of my frickin' nose!
Meagan gropes around blindly.
Meagan: Wait, no, don't panic! I know that voice-- (she pauses as she feels someone) It isn't. Is it?
Voice: (growls) Get your hands off me, outlander!
Meagan: (squeals) It is!
The power flickers and finally turns back on. The TV is still out, but in the middle of the room stands a teenage boy with black hair, eyes, and clothes. He's quite pale and quite confused. Meagan, however, is hanging on him.
Meagan: Youguysyouguysyouguys! It's him!
Everyone else blinks.
Maggie: M&M Eyes? Is that you?
Kelly: Actually, I think it is.
Amanda: Should we be worried that there's a demonic Quaker teen in the living room?
Meagan: But -- he's so darn cute! (squeals and gives him a big hug)
Micah: (squirms uncomfortably) This is a test from He Who Walks Behind The Rows.
Amanda: Who, the gopher?
He whirls on her, and Meagan goes flying off.
Micah: DO NOT DEFILE HIS NAME! THOSE WHO LAUGH IN THE FACE OF THE LORD ARE DOOMED TO ENDLESS, ETERNAL SUFFERING!
Amanda squeaks and hurries over to sit by Maggie.
Maggie: He's scary, Meagan! Send him back!
Meagan scrambles to her feet and throws her arms protectively around Micah, who promptly looks disgusted.
Meagan: Over my dead body!
Micah: (mutters) That could be arranged.
Kelly: (whispering) Hide all possible weapons. Nothing blunt or with edges.
Meagan giggles happily and buries her face in Micah's hair.
Meagan: He followed me home! Can I keep him?
--Minutes pass!--
The entire crew is slowly sneaking up the stairs in the dark.
Maggie: (whispering) Do we really need to do this?
Meagan: Yes! The poor boy needs food! Just look at him, he's a stick!
She demonstrates by pinching Micah's bicep. He jerks away.
Micah: Stop that.
Amanda: She's right. You're so unnaturally skinny you look like you could be on the cast of 'Friends'.
Kelly: He does look sort of like Jennifer Aniston...
She snickers. Amanda elbows her in the stomach.
Meagan: Don't worry, sweetheart. We'll get some meat on your bones.
Kelly: Popcorn, perhaps?
She snickers again. Amanda throws her hands in the air.
Amanda: Why do I bother? Eventually, he's going to sacrifice you to his gopher-god and I'm not going to do a thing to stop it.
Maggie: Won't your parents be mad that we're sneaking up here to get food?
Meagan: Not if they don't find out.
The five of them sneak out into the kitchen.
Micah: Release me at once, outlander! He Who Walks Behind The Rows will punish you for your--
Meagan: Do you want food or not?
He pauses.
Micah: (sulking) Well, I am kind of hungry.
Meagan: Fine. Amanda, retrieve the Cokes. Kelly, scavenge anything that might be or might have once been chocolate. Maggie, scrape up some chips from the bowels of the pantry. And you -- (she looks at Micah with a grin) -- you're going to get a decent late-night snack!
--Minutes pass!--
Micah groans.
Micah: I can't eat any more. Seriously.
Meagan: (with her mouth full) Not even one more bite of cookie dough?
Micah: I'll explode. Really. I mean it.
Kelly munches on what used to be a chocolate Easter bunny.
Amanda: Ah, the glories of the late-night snack!
Maggie downs the rest of her Coke, burps, then giggles.
Maggie: 'Scuse me.
Micah burps too, then turns to Meagan.
Micah: You have served your purpose. Return me to Hemmingford at once.
Meagan: My purpose is to feed you? Heavens, no!
Kelly: (mumbling through the chocolate bunny) Besides. We don't even know how to get you back.
Amanda rolls her eyes.
Amanda: She's going to be the first to be killed.
Maggie: I call the rest of that bunny if she does!
Meagan: (quickly cleaning up the mess of junk food) Well, we could take you to the nearest corn field...
Micah: (straightening) Yes, that might work. Take me there at once.
Meagan: Uh-uh. I'm enjoying my time with you while I can.
She smiles sweetly. Amanda groans and covers her eyes.
Amanda: I think I'm going to be sick.
Kelly moans.
Kelly: Me too. That bunny was three years old. I think it had a new form of civilization growing on it.
--Time passes!--
The five of them are now in the living room. Maggie and Amanda are on the couch, watching as Meagan and Micah compete on the Nintendo 64. Kelly is sitting in the chair closest to the TV, screaming advice to them.
Kelly: Jump over the lunch table!
Meagan: I'm trying! Shut up, Kelly!
Micah: (jamming the control stick forward) I think my contraption's stopped working.
Amanda: No, you just suck.
Kelly: Grind on the wall! GRIND!
Meagan: Shut UP, Kelly! I'm winning by 10,000 points anyway!
Micah frowns at the television screen.
Micah: My little man appears to be running into a wall. Repeatedly.
Maggie: You've given him a concussion already. Poor Tony Hawk.
Kelly: Jump over the--
Meagan: KELLY!
Micah throws down his controller in disgust.
Micah: These games do not amuse me.
Meagan smirks smugly and turns off the system.
Meagan: I think it's just because you lost.
Maggie: Repeatedly.
Amanda: I counted 14 games, I think.
Micah snorts and crosses his arms over his chest.
Micah: I demand you take me to the cornfield at once, or face the wrath of He Who Walks Behind The Rows.
Kelly opens her mouth, but Amanda claps her hand over it.
Amanda: Don't even say it.
Meagan: Well, I guess we could take him to the cornfield...
Everyone but Micah blinks.
Maggie: You're going to get rid of him that easily?
Meagan smirks behind her hand and whispers to the girls.
Meagan: Oh, don't worry. C'mon, let's get our shoes on and we'll take a walk to the cornfield.
--Minutes pass!--
The group is walking slowly up the hill, away from Meagan's house.
Maggie: (whispering) Which way are we going?
Meagan: (whispering) Take a right up here. We'll head up to Countryside and turn right again.
Amanda: (whispering) I don't think we should be out here at 2:30 in the morning.
Kelly: (whispering) He would've gone all Corn-priest on us if we didn't.
Micah: HE WHO WALKS BEHIND THE ROWS DEMANDS THAT YOU SHARE YOUR KNOWLEDGE WITH--
Meagan claps her hand over his mouth.
Meagan: (whispering) Quiet! People are trying to sleep!
Micah: Mmphgf.
Meagan removes her hand.
Meagan: What?
Micah: (whispering) I said 'release me at once, outlander'.
Amanda: I don't think that's what you said.
Kelly: Oh, leave 'im alone. He's lost and disoriented.
Maggie: Quiet. If you move in on Meagan's man, she'll kill you faster than he will.
Meagan, in the meantime, has taken advantage of the closeness and has linked arms with Micah.
Meagan: So... (she giggles) You don't have an Amish girlfriend or anything, do you?
Micah glances to the others for help. They all grin and shrug.
Amanda: You're on your own now, pal.
Kelly: You make a very cute couple.
Maggie: Where's my camera when I need it?
--Minutes pass!--
Micah stares in disbelief at something before him.
Micah: You're joking.
Meagan: Nope. This is the closest cornfield.
The group stands on a sidewalk by what would be a busy street if it weren't so late at night. On the side of the road is a straggly cornfield, ridden with weeds and about five feet long and five feet wide. A Dairy Queen sits across the street.
Micah: This -- this is the saddest excuse for a cornfield I've ever seen!
Kelly runs into it and begins groping around blindly. She's taller than most of the stalks.
Kelly: Look, I'm in Children of the Corn 2! (she looks around in mock panic) The corn never ends, it never ends! I can't find my way out!
Maggie points across the street.
Maggie: Look, Dairy Queen! Can we get some ice cream?
Amanda: After we get rid of Mr. Corn-Goth-Priest over here.
Micah looks on the verge of tears.
Micah: But -- but --
Meagan: What? You don't like the cornfield? (she smirks behind her hand)
Micah's lip trembles.
Micah: Look at how they've defiled the corn!
He promptly breaks down into sobs. There's an uncomfortable pause. Meagan 'erks' and gives him an awkward hug.
Meagan: Er -- it's okay -- it's just an urban cornfield, don't worry about it--
Kelly: Look, Meagan! You made him cry!
Meagan: I didn't think it would affect him so profoundly!
Maggie giggles.
Maggie: You were right, Meagan! He does have feelings!
Amanda: They're just very... very... odd ones.
Meagan puts an arm around the sobbing Micah and jerks her head at Dairy Queen.
Meagan: C'mon. Let's go over there. (to Micah) We'll get you some ice cream and make it all better.
--Minutes pass!--
The gang now sits in the Dairy Queen, munching on ice cream. They make an odd group; four teenage girls in pajamas and one teenage guy in all black. Micah's stopped sobbing, but he still looks a little shocked.
Meagan: (through her cookie dough Blizzard) There. All better?
Micah: (sulkily) A little.
He takes another bite of his ice cream cone.
Kelly: Well, that didn't work. How are we going to get rid of him?
Meagan shoots her a dark look.
Meagan: Who said we were going to get rid of him?
Amanda rolls her eyes.
Amanda: Where are you going to keep him?
Maggie: Well, she has a futon. He could sleep on that.
Meagan: Yeah! And no one's home during the day anyway! At nighttime, he'll stay in my closet!
She beams. Amanda glares at Maggie.
Amanda: You're not helping.
Micah finishes his cone. There's vanilla ice cream smeared on his upper lip.
Micah: He Who Walks Behind The Rows demands that I be returned to Hemmingford at once.
The girl behind the cash register gives him a funny look, which he promptly returns with a one of his famous scary-eyebrowed glares. Meagan grins and throws her arms around him.
Meagan: Are you sure you wouldn't like it better here with me-e-e-e?
He blushes and shifts uncomfortably. The rest of the girls heave a sigh of fake emotion.
Girls: Aw-w-w-w-w!
A car horn honking breaks the awkward moment. Micah shoots out of his seat, nearly throwing Meagan off again.
Micah: What's that?
He hurries to the window. Everyone follows. Outside is the wicked-awesome red car from Children of the Corn 2 -- you know, the one the Come-Sleep-With-Me Lady owns. There's a group of guys in it. They appear to be the rest of the leaders: Ezekial, Josiah, and Eli. The only one missing is Isaac. Everyone hurries outside.
A weird voice from somewhere in the car: Micah! He Who Walks Behind The Rows commands that you return with us!
A dark-haired head is poked up from behind the front seat of the car. It's Isaac, who can barely see over the steering wheel. Micah grins.
Micah: I have been waiting! You should see the corn they have here!
He hurries into the back seat. The girls stand, awed, at the door. Except for Meagan, of course -- who has broken down into sobs.
Meagan: You... can't... GO!
Maggie is leaning against the side of the car, grinning at Eli.
Maggie: Why, hel-LO there!
Meagan runs over and throws her arms around Micah, who shifts uncomfortably. He grins sheepishly at Isaac.
Micah: She appears to have some odd fascination with me.
Isaac shrugs and motions.
Isaac: They might be of help back in Gatlin. (he looks at the girls) Get in.
Everyone readily climbs into the car. Meagan sits happily close to Micah, smiling broadly.
Meagan: My hero!
Isaac backs the car out of the parking lot.
Amanda: (to Josiah) Have you ever heard of a guy named Quentin?
Josiah: ...no...
Amanda: Oh. (she pauses) He's hotter than you.
Josiah blinks.
Josiah: Is he, now?
Kelly is peering at Ezekial.
Kelly: You know, if your ears weren't so big, you'd sort of look like Dewey from 'Malcolm in the Middle'.
Maggie: (to Eli) So... do you like 'The Wizard of Oz'?
The red car drives away towards the horizon. Cue the beautiful clichèd sunset. We fade out as the screaming of brakes is heard.
Micah: (dimly) Maybe we should get you a couple of phone books, Isaac...
Isaac: I'M NOT SHORT!
--The End!--
*A/N: Many apologies to the creators of 'Children of the Corn'. I slaughtered your beautiful movies. I'm so sorry. ...wait, no I'm not!