There Are Days Like This Too

Author: Irish Kaoru

FAKE

Disclaimer: I do not own FAKE in any way shape of form. I think you all know this but I thought that I would make it clear.

Chapter one:

The first cut is the deepest

Ryo's POV

I am not sure how it began or why, or should I say began again. The stress of the triple homicide, the day in and out of the same mundane routine, the lack of life I have at all. These all seem like possibilities as to why my life would take a turn for the worst like it has. After all these are the same things that I was dealing with, except the homicide, the last time.

Sure Dee has asked me before why I have the scars on my arm. I simply told him that it was because of an accident that I was in when I was young. I am not sure if this truly satisfied him but he never asked me about them again and for that I am thankful.

I haven't been myself lately, at least not on the inside. On the outside it is hard to see though the happy façade that I have put up. I know this only because Dee knows me so well and yet he hasn't even began to question me.

It's been like this for the last two months. The days of work piling up as if NYC doesn't think that we have enough work to do so the increase the war that they are fighting with themselves. I just cannot take any more of this. It is insane really, I am doing something that I thought would make me happy, and of course it did for a long time, but now I have seen enough and I am ready to stop. Any hope that I had for the human race is gone, just like my ability to feel anything at all.

I have gone numb, completely numb and have no clues as to where my feelings, my emotions have run off to. The pain it gets worse with no sign that it may get better anytime soon. So I sit here and can't help but think of things that I know I shouldn't.

Yet anytime that I think of suicide I feel worse. It is, as they commonly say, the easy way out. I wish that I could take the easy way out but I know that I cannot. What would happen to Dee or Bikky or Carol for that matter. We have always been there for one another and if I was gone… they would get along fine without me I am sure.

But the thought of leaving them with my mess to clean up is what bothers me. After all it is not like it's any of their faults that I feel the way that I do. How can I expect them to see what is wrong with me when I myself can't do it?

I look down at my arms, the dark red lines that cover them and can't help but think that it is only a matter of time before I am found out. After all the only thing that Dee had picked up on is that I am not wearing T-shirts when we are off duty and it is the start of August. The real question is how much longer can I play the game without being found out?

I pick up the cotton wrappings and wrap my forearms again, the deed having been done and cleaned up after for at least half an hour. Am I insane? A part of me says that I am. Who in their right mind would cut themselves so many times and feel nothing. At first it was a way to get rid of the emotional pain but now it has become an addiction. I need to cut more lines, deeper lines, longer lines before I can feel any amount of relieve. I want help but at the same time I cannot do that that would mean that I would have to let someone know. What would people think if they knew that I was a cutter? For God's sake I am 26 years-old and now acting like I did back in school when I lost my parents. I hate myself for it but I cannot stop it either. But who is it hurting, no one really so why would I want to stop if in the long run it is making me feel better? I really do hate myself.

A/N Ok I know that this is short and I am sorry about that… it is an introduction and nothing more. (I have never really written long first chapters… only a few times.) I just wanted to say that this story I really don't care so much about the reviews or anything like that. This story is for me. I have this very same problem and am hoping that I can sort my mind out a little by writing this.

As far as to why I am posting it if I really don't care about it all that much… I am not sure, I think it has something to do with the way that I feel when I read reviews from you guys. Anyway I in no way condone the acts that are in this story. Love it or hate it I really don't care. But thank you for reading it all the same

Irish Kaoru