Summary: Gob never meant to fall in love with Michael. It just happened. Behind a meaningless rivalry was a love so strong that it could not be denied and had the potential to destroy Gob's life and the relationship he had with Michael.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything!
XxX
Chapter 1: A Stain on His Soul
Love is when you forgive him for his mistakes and his lies
Love is when you will always stand by him
Love is when you will do anything for him
Love is when you smile when what you really want to do is cry
Love is when he loves someone else and you can say to him, "I'm happy for you"
Love is when you sometimes feel like you hate him, but deep down you will always love him
Love is when you'll keep that dark secret inside of you if that's what it takes to keep him near
Love is when him hating you is a fate worse than death
XxX
Gob couldn't help it as a small smile crept across his face. Michael was sitting beside him on the couch, not saying a word. He had just come home from a date with a woman, Lucy was it, that he'd been dating for the past few weeks. He hadn't said anything at all, glared at Gob when he asked, "How'd your date at the dog park go?" and he seemed really tense. Gob was tempted to rub Michael's shoulders if it wouldn't have made Michael even more pissed off, "Is everything okay, Mikey?" Gob asked.
"Lucy and I broke up..." Michael answered, not even looking at the other male. Gob wanted to jump for joy at this news, but he for once was able to control himself.
"Oh, you did...?" Gob asked, pretending to be surprised. He knew that it would only be a matter of time before Michael dumped that slut! Gob had always called her Lucy the Slut when Michael wasn't around, after the character in the musical Avenue Q. He had always hated Lucy because she was with Michael. Michael, who he loved more than anything and who he would give anything to be with. Now that Michael had finally broken up with her, the only thing in Gob's way was Michael himself, "What went wrong?" not that he cared.
"You remember that one time we all went out for Chinese and my fortune cookie said 'Love is like paint. It is beautiful when you spread it around, but it will dry up if you don't use it'?" Michael asked.
"Yeah, kind of" Gob answered.
"Well, let's just say she had been spreading a lot of paint..." Michael said. Gob could practically feel the bitterness in Michael's voice. He knew right away what his brother meant, and he right away shouted, outraged, "That (bleep)ing whore!!"
"It's okay," Michael said, trying to force a smile, "I wasn't that serious about her anyway. I should be used to my relationships ending badly by now..."
"Aw, Mikey... it's okay..." Gob said, hugging Michael, and Michael actually hugged him back. This was one of the few times that Michael didn't push him away. This was one of the things that had stayed the same since they were kids. When they weren't fighting with each other, they were actually close. To Gob the one good thing about their fighting was how close he was able to get to Michael. Ever since their teen years Gob would get aroused by the agressive physical contact that occured when he and Michael tried to beat the crap out of each other, and either Michael never felt his erection or he never said anything about it. Gob suspected it to be the latter. Other than that he hated their fights.
"Thanks, Gob..." Michael liked this. They actually felt like brothers and things weren't awkward between them like they usually were. That was until after a minute and Gob still didn't let him go, "Gob, you can let go of me now" Gob came back to the here and now and let go of his brother, but not without his hand lingering at Michael's side. Things became silent once again before after a few minutes when Michael broke the silence, "So... Buster tells me you're..."
"That I'm what?" Gob asked, a bit anxious. Months ago he had confided in Buster while he was drunk that he was in love with Michael. Apparently Buster had known all along, since Gob was quite obvious when it came to his love for Michael. Buster had promised not to tell anyone, but now Gob feared that Buster might have told Michael.
"That you're... bisexual..." Michael finished. This made Gob feel better slightly, but not much. Now that Michael knew, what did he think of him? Was he disgusted with Gob because he liked men? Did this mean that he now understood his feelings towards him?
"Oh, he did?" Gob felt like punching Buster's face in.
"Yeah, um... just so you know, I don't care," Michael said, "I mean, I do care, I mean... to me it doesn't matter whether you're gay or straight or whatever. You're my brother. I just wish you had told me" the moment he heard this, tears started to well up in Gob's eyes and he threw his arms around Michael in a hug that threatened to squeeze the life out of him. Michael tolerated this, seeing as how Gob must have been overwhelmed.
It had never occured to Gob to ever tell Michael. Dating other people was just a front, an attempt to fill that void in his life that couldn't be filled as long as his brother didn't return his love. To tell the truth, he just labelled himself as bi because he knew he was sexually attracted to women, but he was also attracted to Michael, a man, and his brother no less. He was more attracted to Michael than he was to any woman. Truthfully he didn't think was bisexual, hetrosexual, or even homosexual. In his opinion he was Michaelsexual, which technically meant he was homosexual. He could live with that, "I'm sorry..." he said, letting go of Michael.
"It's okay, Gob, but you know... if you ever need to talk to someone I'll be there for you" Michael said, patting Gob on the back.
"Please, just promise that you won't tell anyone... especially Mom and Dad. They'd kill me..." Gob begged.
"Don't worry, your secret's safe with me" Michael said as he placed a hand on Gob's shoulder. Gob found it hard to swallow, like he had something stuck in his throat.
"Thanks, Mikey..." Gob said. An internal alarm was going off in his head, warning him that he was heading into dangerous territory, but as usual he ignored it. He felt like ever nerve in his body was on fire, like he was melting from the inside. He moved his hand and placed it on Michael's, "Stop it!" his mind screamed at him, "Don't do this. Get away from him, go to bed and get off, but don't you dare think of saying or doing anything!" but he didn't listen.
Michael looked at the hand over his but did nothing to move it. Gob could feel himself blushing furiously. He'd had enough. He needed to let this out! "I have a secret," he said, "It's a really big one and I feel like if I don't tell someone it'll kill me... I've been keeping it so long" he looked desperately into Michael's eyes.
"Well then why don't you tell someone?" Michael asked, "Can't you tell me?"
"No... I can't..." Gob answered, "I can't tell anyone... I'm afraid of what they'd think if I told them, especially you. I told Buster, but he already knew... I think the only reason he didn't react badly is because... well, he's Buster"
Michael smiled, "Is this a problem with your love life?" he asked.
"Kind of..." Gob said, "I'm in love... and I'm afraid of what he'll think of me..."
"Gob... the worst he could do would be reject you, and isn't knowing better than not knowing?" Michael said, coming a bit closer to Gob, which made the elder's heartbeat quicken, "At any rate, you won't have to keep it a secret anymore" Michael kept talking, but Gob wasn't listening. All he could hear was his heart pounding in his ears, all he could feel was the warm sensation that came from every touch from his brother, even the slightest. God, he couldn't stand this anymore!
In one fluid motion Gob moved forward, his lips making contact with Michael's as the hand that had been covering Michael's hand went to the back of Michael's head, holding it in place. Michael had been in mid-sentence when Gob kissed him, which gave Gob the perfect oppertunity to slip his tongue inside of Michael's mouth. Michael was drawing a blank. His brother was kissing him. He didn't know what to do. He didn't move at first, surprised, but after a few seconds he turned his head away, breaking the kiss, "Stop..." he said. He seemed out of breath and almost... frightened by this strange turn of events.
"I love you," Gob said, "I'm sorry, Michael. I know it's wrong but I can't help it. I love you and I always will" he tried to kiss Michael again, but Michael pushed him away.
"Shut up..." Michael practically hissed, glaring at Gob. Gob felt a sinking feeling in his chest when he realized that Michael was angry with him. Michael stood up and walked away. Gob watched helplessly as Michael hurried upstairs, never even casting a glance back at him.
"He's disgusted with me now..." Gob thought. He felt the tears coming. Right now he didn't want to be anywhere near Michael, or anyone else in their family. He didn't want to be anywhere. This was too much! He jumped to his feet and ran outside. He didn't even bother getting his Segway. He just ran. He kept running. It was raining outside, but that didn't make much of a difference. He earned several honks from cars on the street, but Gob didn't give a damn whether or not he was run over, or if he caused an accident... he didn't care about anything anymore. If he didn't have Michael, he had nothing. He ran until he came to a bridge over the water, a long way from home. By then he was out of breath and his legs ached from all the running. It was too dark to see, but he could hear the rushing water underneath the bridge. Cars raced by, sending up sheets of rain water, but he didn't care since he was already soaking wet. He leaned over the bridge's railing, holding out his hand, feeling the raindrops fall onto his palm. He wished they could penetrate deeper, underneath his skin, down to his very core and wash that stain called sin off his soul. He started to cry. He had told Michael. Not only told him, but showed him. He had (bleep)ed everything up and now things could never be okay again, because now Michael hated him.
He had destroyed what little of a relationship he and Michael had because he couldn't control himself. How could he go back to the model home? How could he ever face his brother again? How could he ever face anyone in their family again? He felt like scum. He always knew there was something terribly wrong with him, and it had been confirmed the first time he ever... ever thought of his brother while touching himself. Finding his brother attractive, that was a mental thing, wanting him was a mental thing, thinking about him was just a mental thing, longing for him and missing him when he was in Cabo and when he left Newport Beach with Tracy was a mental thing, loving him was a mental thing, but when they were linked to masturbation it was physical. Now... now that he'd finally acted on those feelings... he knew that he was sick. He had just ruined everything and he hated himself for it.
Gob looked down. It would be nice, he though, if he let himself go. To fall and let the cold water take him, drag him under, all the way to the bottom, the water filling his lungs until that longing, that ache for his brother was gone, until he disappeared. It would be nice to not suffer wanting someone he couldn't have or hating himself for it. The freedom would be magnificent. No one would miss him anyway. Michael despised him now, their parents already hated him, and nobody else cared. Nobody would come to his funeral, no one would cry. He doubted that anyone would even remember him after a week or so... he didn't mean anything to anyone. He was surprised he didn't think of this sooner. This was perfect... he would finally be free from all the pain.
He climbed over the railing, standing on the lip of cement on the other side. His hands locked onto the railing, not ready but still thinking about it. How could this have happened? The rain continued to fall as Gob looked up at the sky, and he recited Leviticus 18:6, which he had once heard from Anne, only remembering it because it applied to him and his sin, "No one is to approach any close relative to have sexual relations. I am the lord..." well his apologies to God, but he had screwed up royally somewhere down the line. It had been this way since he was fifteen, and he had gotten by on casual touches and hitting on Michael for so long, but tonight he crossed the line. Why had God made him this way? He had fallen in love with a man he could not have and would never stop loving. He was (bleep)ing tired of it! Now things would never be the same. He had opened up his own Pandora's box and it could never be closed.
Did it even matter now? It didn't have to. Everything could cease to matter. A free fall into the darkness could fix it all. The water engulfing him, washing away everything until there was nothing left. He remembered the look in Michael's eyes. Michael now hated him. In the distance he could hear the brakes of the staircar. He waited. He wanted his brother to see just what this had all led to. Gob wanted Michael to see this, so he might feel some sort of remourse for the way he treated Gob all these years.
That was when he heard the car screech to a stop behind him, a door opening and closing, his brother calling his name. He allowed himself a small smile as he let go of the railing. This was it... this was the end of George Oscar Bluth, known to many as Gob. It started with a stupid sibling rivalry that somehow became a love so strong that today, after so many years it led to his death. All because of how twisted, madly and perversely he loved his brother, "You're too late, Mikey..." he whispered.
And he stepped into the darkness.
XxX
The next chapter will be coming soon. This was my first attempt at a truly angsty Arrested Development fic, and to be honest I'm satisfied with how the first chapter turned out. I hope you enjoyed the first chapter and I hope you review.