No one understands.

No one.

As usual, I arrive home around 7:30 in the evening from my last class of the day.  The apartment is still, quiet.  I close my door behind me and turn on the light.

No one.

But I smile.  I arrange my coat and bag, and head over to the fridge to get something to drink.  I fill the glass with ice, pour in a coke and finally head down over to the couch.  I have a long night ahead.  There are a lot of very anxious students nervously awaiting their test results tomorrow.  That means to get out the red pen, I've got some correcting to do.

I open my folder and uncap the pen, setting my bag on the floor. 

How do I feel today?

Just as I'm getting settled in, I go to place my drink on the table next to the couch. 

Right next to the picture.

Immediately, just like every time my gaze falls on that photo, my eyes sting with tears.  All logical thoughts of correcting papers and getting work done fly out of my head.  I put the coke down and gently caress the picture frame, taking in a deep breath, and, despite myself, letting a smile lift onto my face.  I swallow hard and pick up the picture, regarding it through blurry eyes.

My Angel.

6 months.

Already.

My beautiful Angel.  I still remember the day we had this picture taken.  The two of us are cuddled up together, snuggling, on a bench in the community garden.  It was last winter, February, if I remember correctly.  We had been having a picnic.  My Angels' idea.  He always thought of the craziest things to do.  Who else would think to have a picnic in the middle of the freezing cold? 

We had asked a passerby to take a photo of us.  All I remember is, despite the cold, feeling so warm and so hopelessly in love that I wanted to capture that feeling forever in a photo.  We had been nuzzling, feeding each other food, talking, just holding each other close.  I remember how he was shivering and how I held him tight against me, kissing his nose and face and fingers and hands and lips and everything else I could manage to touch. 

Laughing.

Happy.

So happy.

I take another deep breath and gently run my finger across his face in the photo, smiling, red cheeked.  I feel my heart throb, but the smile is still there.

I still…I still just can't believe that he's been gone for six months now.  I gaze out the window, greeting the lukewarm April evening, sunny, but with a bit of chilly wind flying around.  It was so lonely.  So, so lonely. 

Everybody thinks they understand.  But they don't.  They never will.  I feel so different.  So separated from the rest of the world.  Like I've experienced something that none of them ever will.  And I realize that I feel that way because it's true.  A year and a half ago on that Christmas Eve, I looked into the eyes of the man that I knew I was ready to give my entire self to for the first time in my life.  I had fallen in love.  I had fallen in love in a way that never comes twice to any man or woman, and very rarely even once.  That hardly anyone gets to experience.  That hardly anyone gets to feel.

A tear runs over onto my cheek.  I had been so lucky… 

My life was complete.  My life IS complete.  I don't want anything else.  And most importantly, I'm happy.

Yes.  I am happy.

After my little Angel died, I felt as though there was nothing left to live for.  Suicide was considered often…and even close to attempted once.  I had lost my one true love.  I had lost my lover, my best friend, my soulmate, the one person who I would give my life for in a second—and do it with a smile.  I didn't care about anything.  I didn't care about anyone.  My heart was missing, my soul was killed, I was empty.  Completely empty.  I was born to be with my Angel.  Shouldn't I have died with him?

The others were so worried.  So scared.  They didn't think I'd make it.  And I'll admit, I didn't think so either.  My heart had been so weakened.  I didn't want to be around anyone or anything.  Just alone, to feel the loneliness.  I could no longer hold my little Angel in my arms, talk to him when I needed comfort, make love to him the entire night until we fell asleep in each others' arms.  The one and only person who had ever loved me for who I was, and the only person that I had ever loved was gone.  My poetry, which had once been light and loving and dedicated to him, became dark and depressing, often talking about death.  Anything to be with my Angel.

Another tear falls down.  I missed him so much…

I think that what truly pulled me out of that depression was my Angel bringing Mimi back to life.  When she came back with that story, I was stunned.  Even, I hate to say it, a little angry.  Why did Mimi get to live?  My Angel and I loved each other, it seemed, so much more than Roger and Mimi, who were constantly fighting and bickering.  Not that my Angel and I never fought…hey, to be honest, we had some real good ones.  But we could always make up and move on.  But after seeing Roger and Mimi reunited, I realized that that was exactly what my little Angel was all about.  Love.  

It was from that moment on that I realized my Angel would never want me to be so bitter, so closed off, so angry.  That was the last thing he'd want.  Giving up would mean neglecting everything that he ever gave me.  And I could never betray my love like that.  If anything, I owed him at least that much. 

I owed him everything.

And now, I can honestly say that while at times, the tears sting my eyes and my heart aches to feel his touch and caresses just one more time, that I truly am happy.  The loneliness is gone, because I realize that wherever I am, my Angel is.  He never left.  He never will.  He's a part of me, safe forever in my heart.  I feel him every day.  Every smile is his, every time something beautiful happens, I know that my love is there.

Sure, there are those who think that I should start dating again.  That I should move on, get a life, let go of the past.  But those are the same people who just don't understand.  They've never felt what I felt.  And that's sad.  If I could have it my way, I'd make it so that everyone could feel what I did during those 10 months of pure and true happiness.  I have had my life completed.  I found what I have always, always wanted in my little Angel.  And that will last me for the rest of the short time I have remaining here.  It will last forever.  It's finished.  I'm ready. 

And I'm happy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Short and sweet!!  R/R if you'd like.  Just a little two cents I thought I'd put in.  =)