Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Author: Lady Sirius

Pairing: assorted - Sirius/? (if I told you, then where would the surprise be?)

RATING: NC17

FEEDBACK: Of course all rights belong to JK Rowling - I would claim Sirius if I could (but alas this is not meant to be!) And the other rights belong to L. Frank Baum, and to MGM, and to Lewis Carroll

DEDICATION: To my gloriously sexy, talented and wondrous inspiration - Gary Oldman

Chapter Three - First Companion Revealed

The fields of mushrooms were soon replaced by waving shocks of golden corn - rows and rows of them, future fodder for popcorn lovers everywhere - with enough ears to titillate an audiologists' convention! Of course there was no way to cook the bloody stuff, and Sirius didn't wish to eat it raw as it was, so decided to forego the golden treat, leaving it to the large black crows which swooped and dived into its rich depths, as he continued to follow the colourful path which wound about beside the cornfields.

When he suddenly came to a fork in the road, he was siriusly stumped. The path stretched either way ahead of him, to left and to right, with no indication of which path he should take in order to reach Fornication City. "I told that stupid wizard that I needed a roadmap!" he muttered angrily. Where the two paths met, a tattered figure hung wearily upon a pole. 'Lot of good that ratty old scarecrow is doing', he sniffed disdainfully to himself. 'Looks like he attracts more scarecrows than not.' The scarecrow hung with its head down, as if it were too disheartened to even try to scare crows.

Sirius cocked his handsome head, looked down at 'Remus' quizzically. The loyal wolf wagged his tail eagerly, thumping Sirius' legs in the process, but seemed uninclined to give any suggestions as to which way to go. He ruffled the wolf's fur affectionately, not having really expected an answer.

"You might try going this way!"

Sirius jerked his head up abruptly, looking about him, his eyes narrow slits of confusion. Nothing to be seen except the tattered figure on the stick, one scraggly arm pointing up the road to gods-knew-where, the only sounds that of the cawing crows doing cartwheels in the rows. He laughed nervously. "I must be losing it, Moony," he told his companion, "there's only you and me here, mate, isn't there?"

"Or you could think about taking this road!"

Sirius jumped a foot in the air this time. What the fuck! He looked carefully about him, but once again there was nothing to be seen. But, wait a minute, wasn't that ratbag pointing in the other direction just a moment ago?

Sure that he must be losing what remained of his mind (perhaps an aftereffect from his fall through the veil?) Sirius cautiously approached the scarecrow, the wolf at his side growling deep inside his throat. Just then the scarecrow raised its head, and to his amazement, Sirius beheld Harry's best friend 'Ron Weasley', a goofy expression on the redheaded young man's face.

"But then again, if I knew what I was doing, I wouldn't be standing here with this bloody pole shoved up my arse, now would I?" He began to wave his thin arms about, first pointing in one direction, then the other, until he ended up pointing in opposite directions at once, his eyes revolving about their sockets in apposite circles, and his tongue hanging from his mouth in a most unattractive manner. Sirius stared up at him, slackjawed.

"Are you just going to stand there like a bloody moron, or are you going to help me down from here?" 'Ron' bellowed, the freckles on his face turning a bright red and looking as if they were about to pop off of his face.

"All right, all right," Sirius muttered, shaking his head. He circled about the scarecrow, trying to study the problem from all sides, but didn't see an obvious answer to the situation. He tapped his fingers against the side of his face, cradling his chin in his palm as he stood in uffish thought...

"Dude!" 'Ron' exploded, "why don't you just try bending down that nail thingy behind me - maybe I'll just come off!"

Sirius looked on the back of the post, and saw a huge rusty nail which appeared to be thrust through the wood and into the center of the scarecrow on the other side. Deciding he had nothing to lose, he cautiously pushed the nail downwards, and immediately the scarecrow was released, sliding in a heap onto the ground.

"Say, are you all right?" Sirius asked anxiously, as he saw small mounds of hay flying about him.

"Never better!" 'Ron' responded, cheerily picking up bits of straw and tucking them back inside his shirt and pants. He looked at Sirius curiously as he put himself back together. "I don't believe I've seen you around these parts before, stranger," he commented.

"I've never been around these parts before," Sirius replied drily.

"I actually hate being on that thing!" 'Ron' confided to Sirius, leaning closer to him than Sirius would have liked..'

"So why are you up there?"

"To scare crows!" 'Ron' responded.

Sirius looked pointedly at the large flocks of the big black birds which cavorted in the fields about them. "You're not very bloody effective, you know!"

"I know," 'Ron' replied sadly, looking down at his hands. Sirius followed his glance, and to his horror, Sirius discovered that they were moving in the direction of his crotch!

"Here, none of that!" he protested, moving out of the demented scarecrow's reach.

'Ron' looked back at him affably, his mouth twisted into a goofy smirk. "It was worth a try," he shrugged. "It's been a long time, you know - a little hard to get laid up there!"

"I can imagine," Sirius muttered warily.

"Where are you going?" 'Ron' asked. As he spoke, he was performing cartwheels about Sirius, while bits of straw continued to fall from him which he nonchalantly stuffed back into place. On the whole, Sirius found it rather unnerving, especially when he ended up directly behind him at one point, thrusting himself up against Sirius' backside ("Is that a bale of straw in your pocket or are you happy to see me?")

Sirius sidestepped the unwanted advances handily, and a snarling 'Moony' interjected himself between the two, so 'Ron' reluctantly backed away, hands held out in surrender.

"I'm traveling to Fornication City," Sirius explained from a safe distance (by the gods, everyone he met in this siriusly strange place seemed to have little else on their minds but indiscriminate howmuchcanIget and whendoyouwantit sex!) "I was told that there is a wizard there who might be able to help me get home."

"Is he a great and powerful wizard?" 'Ron' asked.

"Er... yes, I suppose so."

'Ron' sighed heavily. "I could use one of those myself," he confided to Sirius, putting his arm about the other man's shoulders and leaning in to him.

"Why is that?" Sirius asked, frowning and pushing his arm off firmly.

'Ron' looked about him, first one way, than the other, as if to make sure that he could not be overheard (which Sirius found to be ridiculous, as there was not another person anywhere in sight, but then of course did the scarecrow qualify as a person himself, and if not was Sirius perhaps actually talking to himself and was he maybe becoming delusional? Note to self - reality check first opportunity!), before replying in an exaggerated stage whisper, "Because I need to get a clue!"

"I beg your pardon?"

'Ron' nodded sadly, his eyes downcast, his scarecrow chest heaving a tremendous sigh. "Yes, it's true - I just don't have a clue - everybody tells me so - and I do so want one!" He brought one gloved hand up to his face, wiping at a tiny tear which trickled down his burlap cheek.

Without waiting for a response, 'Ron' leaped up into the air, his long legs scissoring comically, before landing in an untidy heap on the ground where he then proceeded to sing, much to Sirius' chagrin.

"I could while away the hours

In taking golden showers

A menage a trois or two...(de-doo-de-doodle-de-do)

But I need my very own Cupid

Cause the girls think I'm kinda stupid

If I only had a clue!

I would gladly trade for blow jobs

Or hand jobs, or for low jobs

Just to get off a time or two

But the girls tell me to piss off

They won't even let me kiss off -

If I only had a clue!

Oh I just want to cry

Every time they kick my ass right out the door

And then they pick me up and kick a little more

Give me a spin - it's a sin!

I would sleep with Ethel Merman

Or even Shelley Berman

Or Michael Jackson too

All my senses be a tingle

And my heart go bingle-bingle

If I only had a clue!"

As he sang, the reject from a mattress factory proceeded to cavort around Sirius in a manner that seemed destined to end poorly - and sure enough at the end of the song, he spun about like a whirling dervish, landing in a number of pieces on the ground. Sirius shook his head, tempted to leave him in this condition, but found to his great disgust that he could not do that ('when did I become such a do-gooder?' he growled softly to himself), and gave the sad little scarecrow a hand at putting himself back together again.

When he was in one piece once more, 'Ron' looked up at Sirius with a quizzical expression in his otherwise blank eyes. "You see what I mean about needing the help of a great and powerful wizard? If this wizard is as great and powerful as you say, perhaps he can help me to find a clue? Do you think I might come with you to Fornication City and find out? Please, pretty please?" 'Ron' batted his big eyes at him in violent spasms of pleading.

Try though he might, Sirius could think of no reason to exclude the bumptious bumpkin from joining his party, and finally sighed, "Oh, very well!" in an exasperated voice.

"Yippee!" shouted 'Ron', leaping up into the air and clicking his heels for joy, losing parts of himself in the process.

"Enough of that!" Sirius interjected, "I'm not spending all my time stuffing you back together. Nuff said?"

"Nuff said!" the scarecrow solemnly repeated, placing one finger against his nose in sirius thought.

"Come along, then, let's be off," Sirius barked. Not waiting for a response, he motioned to 'Lupin', who trotted obediently along beside him, the scarecrow quickly scrambling to catch up.

"We're off to see the wizard!" the scarecrow began to sing in jubilation, "the wonderful wizard of Sex-Oz! We hear he is a wiz of a wiz..."

"Shut the fuck up!" Sirius said.