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Chapter 4: Measuring Lives In Numbers

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December 28th

Albus had been waiting for an answer to his letter with trepidation for two days. Had the letter been intercepted? Had Severus scoffed at his note? Albus smiled. It would be so like the boy he remembered to roll his eyes at the letter. "Yes, thank you oh great and powerful Dumbledore. These books cost only galleons in Knockturn Alley. I'm sure I'll find my answer there!" Albus let loose a chuckle at his own mind. He was imagining conversations between he and Severus, and quite accurately if he did say so himself. Though to be fair, he was operating on his memories of a sarcastic teenager alone.

He caught himself looking at the window more and more often as the night grew. Would it come tonight or never? Would the next note be a warning about an attack instead? He had not been idle these last days and had poured over the restricted section of Hogwarts as well as his own personal library. There were many theories of course. The question was which one Tom had based his work on and how much farther he had gotten. He was quite the genius after all. Without more information, all he could do was prepare himself for any possibility to be of use should Severus wish to share his findings.

He was now quite certain beyond just his own feelings that Severus was the lieutenant in those battles. He had gone back through several memories of him at school and compared them to the man with the rank insignia on his shoulder. He could not say with certainty that Severus was also sending the letters but he was at least sure that the two were related. In the last month, he had engaged the Death Eaters three times himself, and once he had been sure that Severus had been there. When he had reviewed the memory, he had been sure that the presence of the Order had not come as a shock to the Lieutenant. So either the Lieutenant was sending the letters or he knew of them. But he could not reconcile the image of Severus working with another in this dangerous task with the boy he had seen at school.

While he thought of these things, another owl came to his window. This one was a light tawny color. He took the note and did not immediately recognize the handwriting. Checking it for jinxes, he opened it and began to read.

Albus Dumbledore

Headmaster, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

Headmaster Dumbledore:

It has come to my attention that the post of Potions Master will be vacant in the near future and I formally wish to apply for the job. Attached are my credentials and published articles, which you will find include many Master's level research articles.

I've no doubt that in filling this position you will take into account a person's registration with the Potions Master Guild. At this time, my application is pending, but it is likely that I will bear the title of Potions Master before the new term begins.

Please send your reply by post to 11 Ramsay Court, Dover, Kent. I await an interview at your earliest convenience.

Sincerely,

Severus Snape

Albus stared at the name at the bottom for several breathless minutes. Was this a code? No, his informant would never send one with his name on it. And the position would be vacant soon. He had even considered Severus back when Slughorn had handed in his notice of resignation. But he had felt the need for caution had outweighed his desire to get Severus to come to him. He knew it was dangerous to trust an unknown source without some kind of insurance, but he could not endanger his informant, nor the lieutenant who was sabotaging Voldemort's army. It was too great an advantage. He had so very few of them as it was. This enemy was far too mobile and well hidden to take the fight to them on his own terms. He would have to settle for reactionary warfare. But at least he had a hope of being prepared for the fight with this man out there.

The letter was very formal. There was no way for Severus to know that Albus suspected him, careful as he was. This must be Tom's idea then. Send a spy to watch him. Albus chuckled. This was just too rich, too much like a story. But he would have to be careful, he reminded himself. He did not believe he was wrong, but he was not infallible. Severus may not be the man sending the letters after all. Albus shook his head. He just knew that he was though. At any rate, a few off the wall phrases would tell him what he needed to know, unless Severus still wished to keep him in the dark.

He penned a quick response stating that he would be pleased to offer him an interview at his earliest convenience as he was eager to fill the post and the lack of qualified applicants was frustrating to say the least. Would he be amenable to an interview Friday at teatime?

He sealed the parchment with the official Hogwarts seal and sent the letter off. He had been very careful to sound formal lest Tom read the note. Nothing in it gave any indication that Albus thought anything more of the application than what it was. He wondered though, did Tom Riddle think him so foolish as to not suspect Severus Snape when he saw him again? Severus had been a friend to confirmed Death Eaters while in school after all. Albus tapped his chin. What was Tom up to?

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December 29th

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It was cold; the kind of bone deep cold that made you stomp your feet and wave your arms just to keep the blood circulating. But Severus Snape was a wizard. He didn't need to stomp and wave, he merely cast a warming charm on his clothes. It was a good thing that he wasn't moving around wildly too; if he had been, he would have drawn much unwanted attention to himself. He'd been hiding within a copse of trees for nearly a quarter of an hour now, waiting for the signal to attack.

The night's assignment was nothing short of an assassination; a new sort of mission for Severus to be given. The man in question had been one of the writers of the newest muggle protection bills; and for that, tonight he would die. As would his family. A shiver that had all to do with discomfort and nothing at all to with the cold ran up Severus' spine. He may have had a change of heart in deciding to fight against the Dark Lord, but he still had an image to uphold if he wished to keep his position. And keeping his position was of the utmost importance to him. He was honest enough with himself to admit that much of that stemmed from his wish to survive. But an equally large part of him desired it for the sole purpose of wreaking havoc on the Dark Lord and his plans.

It was becoming difficult though. He could act better than most Shakespearian stage veterans, but he could never ignore the deep disgust he felt at what he had been ordered to do.

No. Admit it. You've been ordered to do it, but you, and you alone, will be responsible for your actions this night. When he had been given the order, he had balked at the suggestion that the entire family needed to be killed. Should not the children be spared to show that while the Dark Lord was not to be trifled with, he also had mercy? But like a father explaining the ways of the world to an errant child, the Dark Lord had explained that this would silence the proponents of a new bill up for vote more thoroughly than any other action would. Severus had to wonder if that were true. There were times that the Ministry and its officials took a zero tolerance stance to terrorism and other times when even the strongest caved. It all depended on the level of the threat. And Severus had to admit; the level of this threat would be a hefty price for any of them to pay.

He had immediately begun to plan the best counter to this attack. And not for the first time, he had realized that there was no plan that would work. The Dark Lord had sent Bellatrix with him, presumably to be trained further. And more, the Dark Lord's orders had been quite clear. Allow no time for the family to react. Get in, assemble the family and kill them all, then leave the Dark Mark for all to see. If he had had time to send a message, perhaps the situation would not be so dire. But there had been no time. He had Apparated directly to the coordinates from the Dark Lord's presence with a few of his more talented (read brutal) men and was now merely waiting for the signal that Bellatrix and her people were in position.

And now, the only options left to him were either open defection followed by death (though he would at least go out fighting), or following the Dark Lord's orders. For a moment - just a moment - he considered open defection. But even if he did survive, where would he go? And would that save Mr. Pengerth and his family? Or the next family? Or the next?

He had told himself when he had made his decision that there would be times that he would just have to grin and bear it, but it was getting harder and harder to do so. He had joined the Dark Lord as a soldier, prepared to kill Aurors and combatants in a cause that he believed in. Assassination of children was a far cry from what he had been promised. Still, at this juncture, as he did every time he came to a fork in the road like this, he mentally ran through a list of what he believed to be the number of lives directly affected by his actions. If it outweighed the list of wrongs committed by him did that matter to anyone beside him? Should it?

Severus resisted the urge to sigh. Nothing would ever outweigh what he was about to do. Nothing. Ever. This sin he would take beyond the grave. Even more so because he was completely cognizant of how very wrong it was. And he knew, he just knew, that someday someone, perhaps only himself, would ask him why he had done it. And his only response would be that he had believed it needed to be done for some indefinable greater good; that he had measured lives only in numbers. And that would never be ok.

A small flash of light from a copse of trees to his left signaled that Bella was in position. This was his last chance to do the right thing, even if it wasn't the smart thing. Everyone was waiting on his order. He could belay that order and destroy any resistance. This was his last chance to do the right thing.

He rose from his position and signaled the attack. From here on out, there would be no turning back. From here on out, there would be no mercy. Even as his heart and nerve and sinew begged him to stop what he was doing, his mind viciously registered the freedom that that one decision had given him. If there was to be no turning back, then every action that brought him closer to victory was to be taken. If there was to be no turning back, then he had better stand back and watch the bridge he had just crossed burn. And it burned violently that night.

Severus cast the killing curse once that night. It had felt like a mercy killing when he had seen the pain in Albert Pengerth's eyes. But even if it hadn't been his hand to kill Mrs. Pengerth and her two teenaged sons, it had been he that allowed it; he that had ordered it.

As he watched the realization of his children's deaths in Albert Pengerth's eyes, as he heard the man's wife screaming for mercy, as he stood and incanted the Dark Mark over the house of the dead, he knew then and there that part of his humanity had died with them. There would be no burial for his lost humanity though. There was never enough time to mourn. And he did not deserve it; not for this. He couldn't even muster the depth of emotion to hate himself.

I did what I had to do. It would become his mantra for many nights after that one. It would be the last thing to run through his head as he fell asleep and the first thing to come out of his lips as he woke up sweating and chilled from his nightmares. And he would never believe it, because he was smart enough to know that in the end, he could have made the choice not to, and said to hell with the consequences. He could have done the right thing.

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January 2nd

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Severus scowled as he ran a hand down the front of his dress robes. This was ridiculous yet almost tragic. As tragic as he thought anything that is; which meant that is was a large difficulty for him and his goals. Severus rolled his eyes. Who was he fooling with that sentiment? It was best not to fool oneself. He had seen tragedies; ones that had moved even he. Not more than a week had gone by since he had buried that young boy. Not more than a few days had gone by since…

No, this was not a tragedy. But it was a great setback with the potential to become very bad for him. After what he had done, there was nothing that he wouldn't do to win this fight. If he had to commit acts of terror, then he would at least ensure that they had not been done in vain.

He was now more nervous than he cared to admit that this endeavor would end badly. Now, not only would his goal be more difficult to attain (and it had already been transcending into the realms of impossibility), but also the risk of being caught and sent to Azkaban by Albus Dumbledore himself had multiplied. In battle, he knew the risks. But those were risks that he was comfortable with; risks that were worth it. This, this was not worth it to him. Nothing he learned here would help him. He had no doubt that gaining the Headmaster's trust would be near to impossible and even if he did, what would he do with it? If the Dark Lord found out that he had, he would be expected to report more information and that would be devastating.

Severus ground his teeth. He would just have to not get the job. Oh, he would try, at least well enough to be able to report just that. But he was good at this. It was after all, what he did in every battle. I'm sorry my Lord. Everything was going well, or so I thought. I failed my Lord, and I humbly beg your forgiveness. That was just how this was going to have to go down. Severus nodded to his image in the mirror.

When he Apparated to the gates of Hogwarts, he sneered at the sprawling castle. Happy or reminiscent were not the words he'd use to describe his feelings at seeing Hogwarts again. Irritated, unimpressed, perhaps even a little hurt, were far closer. Scowling, he raised his wand and whispered "Invocatio Custos." He waited impatiently for several minutes for the Keeper of Keys to answer his summons. Ah, Hagrid. There was a face he was not sorry to see.

"Hallo," Hagrid called out to the figure standing at the bottom of the hill behind the gates. "Sorry it took me so long. Had to come here from the forest." As he got closer, he gave the visitor a closer look. "Young Sev'rus? Is that you?" Hagrid called out with a smile.

Severus let a small smile curve his own lips. "Yes. Hello Hagrid," he called as Hagrid got closer.

"Well I'll be!" Hagrid's grin grew. "I ain't seen you in what? Two years?"

"Three actually," Severus answered. When Hagrid got the gates opened, Severus held out his hand for a shake but was, instead, enveloped in a crushing hug. When Hagrid finally let him breath again, the half-giant was beaming and Severus, after taking a few deep breaths, returned it almost hesitatingly. It had been a long time indeed.

Odd, that he had let himself forget some of the few good memories he had here in favor of the other, less pleasant ones. He frowned at that thought, but Hagrid didn't notice. He was looking Severus up and down and exclaiming that he looked even taller and how he never thought that possible after Severus had grown so much in school. Severus had, perhaps grown a half-inch since school, but he thought that it was more from the way he held himself now than from actual physical change.

"Well, I'm happy to see you 'gain Sev'rus. Though I guess I should be asking you yer business, seeing as it's my job and all," Hagrid said with a blush.

"Of course," Severus said smoothly. "I'm here to see the Headmaster about the post of Potion's Master."

Hagrid's look of surprise quickly turned into one of delight. "Well, I'll take ye righ' to him. Can't say as he could find a better one fer the job though. Won' tha' be jus' great? You, workin' here?"

Severus nodded and answered all of Hagrid's questions politely all the way up to the Headmaster's office. He couldn't help but feel a little sick about the whole thing; walking here with Hagrid, who would likely give him a good thrashing if he knew what Severus had gone and done. For the first time ever, Severus thought he just might understand it too, at least from the gentle giant's perspective.

Severus shook that feeling off. He had done what he had with eyes wide open and believing in his cause at the time. And he at least had the satisfaction of saying that he had done his job well. He would not feel sorry for joining the Dark Lord when he had. It had seemed the right thing to do. And he had quickly changed his mind when he had been asked to fight noncombatants. That was an important distinction to him. It had given him a sense of pride even as he had realized his hasty errors. He was a deep thinker, but on this score, he would not allow himself to tread the waters of guilt. A soldier does what soldiers do and at least he had never, without at least attempting to right the wrongs, engaged in an act that would go against the moral obligations of a soldier. Until five nights ago, his conscience supplied. Put it out of your mind, you fool. You did what you had to do.

With that thought to bolster his courage and resolve, he followed Hagrid into the Headmaster's office.

Albus Dumbledore was sitting serenely behind his desk as Severus approached behind Hagrid. Something in his stomach did a flip but he suppressed that feeling quickly, lest he give anything away. When his eyes met the Headmaster's, he was surprised to see a flash of joy and…relief? in the old man's eyes.

"Mr. Snape," Albus said warmly, standing to shake Severus' hand. Hagrid beamed at the two of them. "Well, I'll be leaving if ye don't need anything Headmaster. It was great to see ye again Sev'rus. Don' be a stranger now."

Severus nodded weakly but managed a smile as Hagrid took his leave. When it was just he and Albus in the office, the Headmaster offered him a seat and he took it stiffly.

"Well Severus," Albus said with a pleasant smile, searching Severus' face for anything at all. "It is good to see you again. It's been too long."

"Thank you Headmaster," Severus nodded. He let a small smile curve his lips but it did not reach his eyes. He knew that would be overdoing it anyway.

"Come now, you're very nearly a Master of your own field Severus. Though I think you have been, if not on paper, then at least by merit, for some time now. I think it's appropriate that you call me Albus now, don't you?"

Severus nodded slowly. "Thank you Albus," he said equally slowly. Albus suppressed a chuckle. His name sounded like a foreign word on Severus' tongue.

"And so, you're here to apply for the position of Potions Master," Albus said with good humor. It was all he could do to not jump up and embrace the young man before him. If his suspicions were correct, and he very much believed they were, even more so once he had gotten another look at Severus after so many years, he very much wanted to exclaim how proud he was. Instead, he kept himself seated and watched for an opportunity to confirm all of his suspicions.

"I am sir. I understand that Professor Slughorn wishes to retire and I would welcome the opportunity of working at this prestigious institution in his place."

Albus smiled at Severus' formality. "Yet, when you left, I recall that you were in a hurry to be quit of this prestigious institution," Albus said gently.

Severus almost smiled. How could he use this to NOT get the job but make it look like he had tried? "I was, indeed, in a hurry to leave," he replied. "But I found that I missed this place more than I had thought I would." He said it in a deadpan voice and knew that Albus Dumbledore would see it for the lie it was.

"I see," Albus said softly. He did see it for the lie it was and more, he knew that Severus intended him to see it. What could that mean? He was not sure. More than anything, he wished he could be candid.

"And so," Albus said with more gusto. "What have you been doing with yourself these last years?"

Severus smiled nastily and said sarcastically, "Oh, I've been attempting to stay out of trouble. You know how difficult that can be, with the current situation being what it is." Severus was remembering the very same memory that Albus had reviewed a few months ago. "But, I have managed some research in my field and I have been preparing for the potion guild's mastery test." Both Severus and Albus knew that Severus would have needed little preparation to take that test even back in school, despite the fact that so few could manage to pass it without a long apprenticeship and many hours studying. Severus resisted grimacing. He would have to be creative when he let the Dark Lord view this memory. When he didn't get the job, the Dark Lord would accuse him of trying not to if he saw this memory.

Albus frowned. "Yes, indeed. The situation now a day is difficult to say the least. And you have always had a fond disregard for authority." Albus was careful to temper his words with a fond smile. It was not faked.

Severus frowned at him. "Yes, well, about my credentials," Severus began but was interrupted.

"Severus Snape," Albus exclaimed in mocked affront. "I have not seen you in three years and you just jump to the interview without even getting to know each other again? I'm shocked at you."

Severus smiled slightly in response to Albus' large smile. He could see that Albus wished to speak more, perhaps to gage his responses. No doubt, the Headmaster did not trust him already. Good.

"I apologize sir."

"Albus," Albus corrected.

"Albus," Severus continued. "But you see, I never thought we knew each other all that well to begin with." Severus almost winced. What was he doing? This would require so much work to make the Dark Lord not curse him on sight. And he didn't know why it also bothered him when the Headmaster looked hurt.

"It was not for lack of trying Severus," Albus said softly.

Before Severus could stop himself, he snorted. And then he instantly sobered his expression. He did not understand his own reactions when he was with the Headmaster. He seemed to revert back to his sarcastic and uncouth younger version in this room. He had to take a deep breath to remind himself of his purpose here.

"I apologize Headmaster," Severus began only to hold back a glare when he was interrupted again.

"Please, call me Albus. And there is no need for you to apologize Severus. It is I who should apologize to you. Too often, I watch young men and women leave here knowing that they will have battles ahead." He watched as Severus stiffened almost imperceptibly. "But I'm relieved that you have not had that to deal with."

Severus smiled ruefully, relaxing in his seat. "Well, as I said. I have been careful in that regard."

Albus smiled back but it didn't reach his eyes. "Ah yes. I would not expect anything less from a mind as bright as yours Severus."

Severus nodded, acknowledging the compliment. "Thank you." Then he went silent. If the Headmaster wished to question him further, he wouldn't help. He had to walk a tight line. Make the Headmaster dislike him enough to not hire him, but not enough to actively investigate him.

"I speak only the truth." Albus went silent for a minute. He was left with a feeling of helplessness. For a man of his age to not know how to approach this situation was ridiculous, but Severus was a difficult subject.

"And so you've been researching potions for the last three years. Most young people your age have not the patience for this work, instead preferring excitement in the more traditional sense."

"Well, I have never been one to pay mind to what the traditional young person would like. Potions are exciting enough for me."

"And yet, you have managed to maintain a strong physique," Albus commented. "I'm happy to see that you have grown into your height. Why, you look just as strong as any Auror in training. But then, I suppose potions work can be trying. From time to time…" Albus trailed off.

Severus frowned as he looked Albus directly in the eye. This was very odd and very far from comfortable. Severus knew better than to take the Headmaster's words at face value in this instance. "Well," he said slowly, "I suppose that my constitutionals have paid off. I have been warned that staying in the lab all day was bad for one's health so I took a friend's advice and started going for walks. I'm glad to see that the change is noticeable."

Albus smiled at Severus' answer. That was quick and quite brilliant. If he did not already know for sure in his heart that Severus was his man, he might have believed that. "I'm glad that you have such good friends, to offer such good advice." He noticed Severus shift his in seat a little. It didn't look like a nervous reaction, but for one who could be as still as Severus, it might just be a sign of discomfort. He decided to follow this line of questioning. "And tell me. Have you seen many of your fellows from school since graduation? I understand that several are doing well for themselves."

"Oh, from time to time," Severus said casually. "I don't get out much as I would like, but I have met some in passing. But then, you know that I always was a loner. I much prefer my potions."

"Of course," Albus agreed readily. "And it is through our work that we gain immortality. That and our dreams," Albus pressed, watching carefully for any sign of reaction. He was not disappointed and he felt his spirit soar as Severus' eyes widened almost imperceptibly and he sat forward just the slightest bit.

It took a moment for him to respond and that hesitation alone was enough for Albus to know for sure that this was his man, even though he had known all along in his heart. "I suppose that is true, to some extent," Severus said slowly. Then he said, almost too rapidly to be normal, "But I have never heard that sentiment myself."

"Have you not?" Albus questioned with a knowing smile on his face that made Severus' own smile falter. "Oh well. It is just a bit of wisdom I've picked up over the years. I have observed that only fools," he stressed that word, "and knaves believe otherwise. Why, I'm quite certain I've read similar quotes in many books. I'm surprised that you're not familiar with the idea though, being such a great reader as you always were."

Severus sat back with apparent ease. "Well, I have never concerned myself much with the idea of immortality. The very idea is ludicrous, isn't it?"

"Well, yes. I suppose it is. But there have been many in the past that have attempted to achieve it, so clearly, not all share your sentiments. It is a difficult notion to combat but one which must be."

Severus shrugged. "I have no desire to have anything to do with any of that. As you said, many have in the past and failed. Still, they put up a great fight. I should like to avoid fighting in my lifetime if at all possible."

Albus smiled lightly and affected an air of scholarly interest. "Yes, I suppose that is the best stance to take in these cases. It is far safer than any other at any rate. And I believe it was Homer that said, "He lives not long who battles with the immortals, nor do his children prattle about his knees when he has come back from battle and the dread fray." Surely, that is good advice to live by."

Severus stilled in his seat. This was more than just Albus toying with him or being preoccupied with the subject. He looked directly into the eyes of the Headmaster and saw the Headmaster searching him for traces of recognition. Panic began to claw its way through his chest but he pressed back with equal ferocity. He could barely think with the blood pounding in his ears, but he forced himself to not lose control of the situation. He could not give himself away, not least because he had no idea what Albus Dumbledore had in mind for the author of those letters. This was almost surreal. It was happening to someone else. NO! Severus calmed himself quickly and congratulated himself that his face had remained stone still, although perhaps a little too still.

"That is a sensible position," he said softly, his brain working feverishly to place himself on firmer ground.

"Yes, it is," Albus agreed. "A very wise and good man quoted it to me just recently as a matter of fact. But this particular friend has always been full of surprising insight."

"Then you are lucky in your friends as well," Severus said in a stronger voice. No matter what Albus Dumbledore suspected, he must rebuff all attempts to draw him out, at least until he could gage the Headmaster's purpose.

"I am," Albus agreed solemnly. "But, I have had very little time these last years to see much of my friend. I suppose he is busy as we all are, but I have never missed him as much as I do these days. To have a confidant, a trusted friend, is a great comfort indeed."

Severus knew that something like pain had flashed in his own eyes at that thought. Yes, he could not agree more.

Albus did not miss the quick look of pain in Severus' eyes. Perhaps he was pushing too much. But he needed to hear Severus speak candidly, perhaps for both their sakes.

"Yes, I suppose that would be a great comfort." He stopped. He didn't know what else to say and that was a first.

"Yes, it can be," Albus said earnestly, softly. He knew that both of them knew the subject that lay between them and the only thing left to do was break the silence, but he could not do so himself. It had to be Severus. He would be happy to break the silence if the young man merely gave him a small symbol of willingness.

Albus went on. "To have someone to confide in can make even the heaviest of burdens feel lighter. To be understood, ah, that is a feeling that very few appreciate. I like to think that my friend and I do understand each other in some ways, though not as well as I should like. I would dearly like to bring him the same peace of mind that he has brought me time and time again, especially in the last few months."

Severus could barely move from indecision. He could not say it. He just could not. So much of his life depended on secrecy. For too long had he been silent. His secrets were too large. He could not simply say it. But, oh, the words that the Headmaster was speaking. He could see the man's sincerity and something inside of him, something he had known was there but had always kept firmly bottled, wanted to escape.

How long had he been alone? How many times had he begged the silent Gods for help, for guidance? But to trust this man? If he were honest with himself, he would admit that his grudge against Albus Dumbledore, while understandable from a schoolboy perspective, was meaningless to this war. No, he thought with a flash of anger. Not meaningless, never meaningless. But perhaps they were not as important as the fact that they were allies and could help each other. Still…

"That is admirable," he began slowly, but his voice grew stronger as he spoke. "But sometimes nothing can bring a man peace of mind. In my, admittedly, short experience, peace of mind belongs to the successful or the dead."

"Then I very much hope that my friend is able to find peace of mind through success rather than death. To lose someone with such bravery and goodness, that would be a tragedy and I fear, my peace of mind would be shattered for a long time."

Severus eyed him for a moment and Albus let him see the admiration in his eyes. He was discouraged when Severus' eyes dropped though.

"I hope you never suffer this loss, though I doubt a mind as strong as yours would be shattered."

Albus stood up, walked around the desk, and stared out the window. "You know Severus. I see so many students go through these halls every year. Every one of them is special, from every house. Every one of them has potential to be great. I have loved them all. I don't always succeed in expressing myself, but I feel it just the same. But sometimes," Albus looked back to Severus. "Sometimes, a student comes to this school that I can't help but care for just a little more than I do the others." He turned back to look out the window as Severus watched him with a mixture of disbelief and confusion.

"And so," he continued, "I take pains to be closer to this student, to know them better. It is as much for them as it is for me. My predecessor had told me that when I find a child that I think needs guidance and love, and whom I would be honored to be loved by in return, I should make an effort to get to know them. He told me that children responded favorably when they knew they were cared about. But that is not always the case."

Albus stopped speaking and crossed the room to stand directly before Severus. "Sometimes, the world and circumstances seem to conspire against even the best of intentions. And sometimes I fail through my mistakes. I am old but that does not make me infallible. I think, there might have been a few years, when I thought that I knew much more than I did, especially about children. And then I met you Severus."

Severus cocked his head and Albus nodded. "Yes. You see, like so many other students, you came to me for a small infraction of the rules simply because it was a repeat offense. But unlike any other student, you knew your own mind even at the tender age of 11 and refused to apologize for something that, in your opinion, was no one's concern but your own. I have encountered many strong personalities and even many stubborn children. But never have I encountered the mixture of these two traits in such large measures in one so young. But perhaps, I would have writ it off after a while if I had not seen you several more times throughout the year and into the next. Here was a child, who by all accounts, was a prodigy. You angered the Potions Master with your know-it-all attitude in class and angered him even more by the fact that it was entirely deserved, much to the amusement of all in the staff room. You did well in all your other classes, especially defense, where the teacher, at first praised your name and then began to look on you with unease when your knowledge and curiosity seemed to transcend that of any normal 11 year old."

Severus would have been astonished enough as it was that Albus Dumbledore remembered so much about him, but Albus was continuing as though he had given this a great deal of thought. Perhaps he had, Severus thought uncomfortably. No, there was no way that the Dark Lord was going to get a hold of this memory.

"This would have caused me to at least watch your career with interest. And your attitude toward authority certainly caused me to watch over you more vigorously than I would have any other, if only to save you from yourself, though you never seemed to need that. But instead, you represented a walking contradiction to me. I could not figure you out and you would not let me. And every time I tried, you resisted me fiercely, more so than any rebellious child before you. If this had been my only experience of you, I would have feared your morals and your future. But I knew some things that you, perhaps, thought that you were keeping to yourself."

Severus frowned. This was far out of his control and he was starting to get nervous. He considered the door momentarily. If he needed to, could he make it to the door without being caught? He certainly didn't want to raise a wand against Albus Dumbledore, not least because he didn't fancy his chances.

Albus smiled reassuringly when he noticed Severus eyeing he and the door in turn. "You see; I knew that despite the reputation you not only managed to gain, but also encourage, you were in fact, capable of great kindness and profound insight. I knew of your assistance to young Mr. Filch and your shy friendship with Hagrid. I knew of your work on the Wolfsbane potion and was proud when I read your article, although I was sad that you did not feel the need to tell any of your instructors about your accomplishment."

Albus looked into Severus' eyes and for the first time ever, saw something open in them. There was pain, confusion, astonishment, but there also appeared to be hope. That was the reason Albus said the words that he did next.

"And when I saw you on the battlefield, when I reviewed my memories, I knew then and there, that only you could be that competent, that dangerous and have that much of a disrespect for authority to stand against Tom Riddle's." Severus held his breath in fear.

Severus stared at him for several shocked seconds. Then he jumped to his feet, but he remained rooted to the spot. What could he say? What did the Headmaster want him to say? It would be foolish to deny it, yet he was scared now, of the consequences of the Headmaster's knowledge.

Albus moved closer slowly. He was put in mind of a wild Hippogriff and wondered if he should bow before approaching. "I know Severus," he whispered. "I know who you are and I know what you are trying to do."

Severus shook his head as though to deny it, though why he bothered, even he didn't know. It seemed that everything about this situation made him feel less secure than he had ever felt as a child in this office.

"But there is something that you don't know Severus." Albus was glad to see Severus' eyes snap to his. He had thought for a second there that Severus might run for the door.

"And what you don't know is how proud I am of you. What you don't know is that you were one of those bright students that I couldn't help but watch more than any other. You don't know how badly I wanted to understand you. Nor how much it hurt when you left without looking back. And you don't know how my heart soared when I realized that the lieutenant across the battlefield was you, the very lieutenant that was saving my men and fighting his so called Master."

Severus dropped his eyes and looked at the floor. Albus took the final step between them and put his hands on Severus' shoulder. Albus couldn't see Severus' eyes; they were still fixed on the floor. "I have missed you child," he whispered. Severus stiffened just a little, but made no move to pull away or look up.

For a moment, he considered telling Severus to stay here forever and never leave the castle. But he knew that Severus would rail against the very idea as he always did. That he was even still here was astonishing. But then, Albus thought he might know just how lonely Severus was. His was the hardest job in this war and he did it with no encouragement but his own morality. Or at least, he assumed that was the case. He had to remind himself that it wasn't a lie when he said he didn't understand the younger man. Perhaps he was assuming too much.

It was nearly a full minute before Severus broke the silence.

"I…" he started to say, but then stopped. Then he lifted his eyes from the floor and held his head higher. He may have had a moment of weakness, but he could ill afford to let himself become used to such moments. "I don't know what to say to you Headmaster. I don't think I'm the same person you knew, or thought you knew."

"But you are the same man that I've faced across the battlefield. You're the same man that's put himself in harm's way over and over to save the lives of others. You are the man that's been sending warnings in advance of attacks."

"Yes," Severus nodded. "I've seen you across the field. I believe at one time, we crossed wands, you and I."

Albus smiled. He remembered that night. But it had only been for a split second. Severus had yelled orders to his men and danced away once their objective had been met.

"And now what do we do?" Severus asked.

"Now," Albus said in thought. "Now, I suppose we make our plans and straighten our stories."

Severus nodded in relief. Until that moment, he had been considering the very real possibility that if he wanted to leave this school a free man, he would have to fight his way out; a scary thought indeed, but one that he had been preparing himself for nonetheless. He had gone too far to allow himself to be incarcerated without a fight. "In that case, I think it advisable that we come up with a believable scheme where you don't give me the post of Potions Master."

Albus looked taken aback. "Not give you the post? But I had planned to do so. I should very much like to have you here."

Severus looked away for a moment. I bet you would, he thought. When he looked back, he seemed even more resolved. "And yet, my position will be much more difficult if I stay here."

"And what of Tom? Will he not be displeased if you fail here?"

Severus shrugged but Albus could tell that there was more to it than that. "He will punish you won't he?" Albus asked sternly.

Severus met his eyes. "It is nothing that cannot be borne. And you may trust that I will be more effective by his side than by yours."

Albus shook his head. "You have been effective. But at what price to you?"

Severus looked shocked. "What price to me? Certainly no price I'm not willing to pay. Do you think I chose to do this lightly?" he scoffed.

Albus frowned. "Severus, I've no idea why you chose to do this at all," he said softly, but without accusation.

That stopped Severus short. "What gave me away?" he asked quickly, realizing that if Albus discovered him, then others could as well.

Albus noticed the look of panic and held his hands out in a reassuring way. "Severus, you have been careful. Only someone who has watched you grow up could have known…"

"I grew up with many of my comrades," Severus said harshly and with no little amount of panic.

"Yes. But they did not sit atop a bell tower and watch an entire battle unfold as I did," Albus answered.

Severus stood in deep thought for a moment. "Norton?" he finally asked.

"Yes," Albus answered.

"But you could not have been so sure just from that. I hope you would not be so sure."

"No," Albus shook his head. "I had to use a pensieve, which as you know, is rare. I've reviewed many memories of battles that I've taken part in Severus. And I compared those to many memories of you as a child. Do you know what memory of you first brought the possibility to my mind?"

Severus shook his head. He had no clue.

"Do you remember the day you got into a muggle fight with Sirius Black?" he asked.

Severus smirked. "I remember that well as a matter of fact."

Albus chuckled. "And do you remember what you said to me that day?"

Severus had to think about it for a moment. "I think so," he said softly.

"You told me to look to my flock before someone else did. Do you remember that?"

Severus nodded. Yes, that was quite memorable. Not the least because he had dared to yell at the Headmaster that day.

"The way you looked that day, it was the same way that you look in battle. Although, in battle, you seem to enjoy yourself more."

Severus flinched but did not back down. "I will not apologize for my actions. Everything I have done, I have done believing it to be right."

Albus leaned against his desk. "I believe that Severus. But you changed your mind about Tom. Why?"

Severus sighed and ran a hand through his hair. This was not really a discussion he wanted to have with anyone. He rather thought that if he began to explain himself once, he would forever be explaining himself. Still, perhaps at this point, it would be best to give the Headmaster an idea of his commitment. It was too late to undo this damage. It was time to benefit as much as he could from this opportunity. "At first, because the Dark Lord ordered me to raze a muggle village. I do not fight noncombatants," he said harshly.

Albus nodded. "That is admirable. And now?"

"And now…now, I can see that the Dark Lord is…quite insane. Evil, I suppose some would say."

"But you don't believe he's evil?" Albus asked, eyes narrowed in thought.

Severus let out a snort. "Evil? What a word! I believe he is an incompetent leader. I believe he is a gifted wizard. I believe he is obsessed with the Dark Arts to the exclusion of all else. I believe he is cruel, needlessly so. But no, I would not call him evil. I would call him certifiably insane with a touch of genius. Dangerous, deadly and insane."

Albus smiled. "Then you are not afraid of him."

Severus looked astonished. "Afraid? Are you mad? I would have to be to not be afraid of him. I said he was mad, not weak."

"I see."

"No, you probably don't. I'm sure you can imagine, but even your imagination can't be that good. Do you know what he does to his soldiers when they disappoint him now?" Severus asked.

Albus did not, in fact, know the answer to that. But the very fact that it had been asked brought to mind a few answers; ones that he didn't like at all. He made a face of distaste.

Severus laughed humorlessly at his expression. "You think you can imagine. Do you remember Quincy Jones? He graduated in Lucius Malfoy's class. A Ravenclaw."

Albus nodded. "I remember Quincy. He was, if I recall, an easy going child."

Severus ran a hand through his hair. "Yes, was is the correct term."

"Tom had him killed?" Albus said in outrage.

"Oh no," Severus said. Albus relaxed until Severus delivered the next line. "He, in fact, killed him personally."

"Why?" Albus asked with growing horror. "How?"

"How? Several curses. I can't remember them all. He would not have died if even one of the Dark Lord's servants had taken pity on him and healed him, though I daresay, he would be in St. Mungos for the rest of his life if they had. But you see, the Dark Lord is so crazed at times, and angry, that none dare stand up to him when he is that way. It was not always this way, but now, he is volatile. Jones is no longer a lieutenant."

Albus sucked in a breath. "Mr. Quincy was a lieutenant?"

Severus nodded. "Quite a good one actually. But you see, he failed too many times. Someone kept warning the Order you know," Severus said with a humorless, knowing smile.

Albus was too shocked by the information to acknowledge those words for a good several breaths. When he did recover, it was to see Severus staring at him defiantly.

"And so Quincy Jones was cursed and left to die for failing to please," he said softly.

"No!" Severus said so harshly that Albus took a step back. "Quincy Jones was killed because I sabotaged his work. He was killed because I said nothing while the Dark Lord cursed him. He died, because no one bothered to heal him."

"Severus," Albus said gravely. "If you think for one second that you are to blame for this…"

But Severus cut him off with a wave of his hand. "It hardly matters Headmaster. What's done is done and it did not affect me greatly. If anything, it's made my job easier. This is war after all." The look that had been in his eyes belied his words, but Albus let it go.

"How has it made your job easier?" he asked.

In for a penny, in for a pound, Severus thought. It wouldn't hurt for the Headmaster to know some things about the Dark Lord's organization. In fact, it might help. As long as his knowledge was never traced back to Severus. "Ah, well, I'm sure you remember Bellatrix Lestrange." Albus' face darkened just a little.

"Yes. I remember her well."

Severus nodded at the look in Albus' eyes. "Just so. You see; she is now a lieutenant. I see what you are thinking. She is dangerous; a loose cannon, so to speak. But she is also predictable. And inexperienced."

"She cannot be that inexperienced," Albus said.

Severus smiled. "You speak, I suppose, of her ability to duel. It is true. She is gifted on the field. But soldiers do not trust her. She is too insane. She cares not one whit for them. She will push her way through a battle without thought for strategy. It makes her dangerous, and yet, as a lieutenant, it makes her easy to handle. She has no concept of subtlety. She will walk straight into conflict with a smile on her face."

Albus nodded. "That is a very wise observation."

Severus ignored him to pace the office. "So you see, I cannot leave the camp. To do so would be to lose this advantage."

Albus nodded slowly. "You think there is no advantage to being here then?"

Severus cocked his head. After a moment of thought, he said, "None. None that are not outweighed by the benefit of being close at hand."

"Is that why you never came to me personally?"

Severus frowned. "I think you can guess why I never came to you."

"I want you to tell me." Albus and Severus were both aware of the parallels between those words and the ones that had been spoken on the day Severus attacked Sirius Black.

Severus rolled his eyes, as Albus knew he would. "I did not come to you because of the danger. It was either Azkaban or discovery."

"And you do not fear either, now that you know I know?"

"No more so than before. But if you tell anyone else at all, I will not sleep easy."

Albus nodded. "You have my word, if that's what you need, that I will speak of this to no one."

Severus nodded. "Not even your Order, and yes, your word is sufficient."

"You believed I would send you to Azkaban?" Albus whispered after a moment.

Severus regarded him carefully before answering. "You would not have?" he asked with disbelief.

"Severus. Had you come to me, I would have kept your secret safe."

Severus shook his head. "You would not have believed me."

Albus did not argue with him. He knew that he could not convince Severus. Perhaps it was even true. "And so now, you wish for me to deny your application," Albus said. Severus nodded. "But Severus, have you considered that Tom will not believe that I would do so without some encouragement from you?"

Severus' frown grew. "What do you mean?"

Albus sighed. "I would not deny your application because you truly are the best for the job. In fact, the only reason to deny your application would be if I suspected you. And Tom surely knows that I would want to keep you close at hand in that case."

"He said that. Yet, you did not keep him close at hand when he applied."

Albus nodded. "There are two very significant differences between the cases though. I knew, and Tom knew that I suspected, that he was here to open the Chamber of Secrets and to corrupt the school." Albus ignored Severus' inhalation. "And Tom also knows that I would not make that same mistake again."

"The Chamber of Secrets?" Severus whispered. Albus nodded. Severus had revealed much tonight. It was time he do the same.

"Yes. It has been opened before. Can you guess in whose time it was opened?" At Severus' nod, he continued. "So you see? If I refuse your application, Tom will surely suspect something."

"Not the least because I expressed doubt in this endeavor," he said with a pensive face.

Albus considered him. "You will have over half a year before reporting. Perhaps the war will be over by then."

Severus snorted, but then nodded. "Then I suppose it is decided," he said with some evident anger. "I do hope you are aware though, that I have no desire to become a teacher of any subject. I cannot even promise I will be a competent one."

"I will do everything I can to help you Severus. I will understand if you have difficulty at times. Only say the word, and I will assist you."

"Perhaps you will offer to teach my classes for me?" Severus said with a wry smile.

Albus chuckled. "It can be difficult, but you need not worry. You will have my full support. And you may find that it agrees with you."

Severus snorted in disagreement. He was an active man, involved in many mature activities. The idea that teaching children would agree with him was laughable. But there was nothing for it. He had been maneuvered into this position by two of the most powerful wizards in Britain, perhaps all of Europe. He would just have to adjust.

"In that case, I could use a fake memory for this meeting. Not too fake mind. Nothing scripted."

Albus nodded. "Then perhaps you'd better go knock on my office door again," he said with a smile.

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Andy's Note:

The title of this chapter took me far too long to come up with! LOL!

First, I'm sorry this took me so long. It's not over, but it may be some time in between updates. My other story is taking most of the time I can devote to writing. I do, however, hope that the length of this chapter will make up for it. (Oh yeah, and the content too - lol) Your reviews are and always will be, appreciated and answered. I have no one reading over the chapters for this story before they're posted, so I rely on you to inform me when I make an error. I understand though, if you just like to jump on and read and then run off without reviewing. This story is as much for your amusement as my own so enjoy! However, I've ensured that anyone can review, even anonymously and you can swear if you feel you must. :)

And now to reviewers who were not logged in:

To skeptic: Well actually, you're the only one that didn't log in. That's quite all right with me though. That is exactly the type of thing I'm looking for in a review, so thanks! It gives me a real good idea of what you like about it, which matters. I do hope you liked this chapter too. Thanks and enjoy!