Part Three

The night air was just chilly enough to be comfortable rather than cold. Rose let her eyes drift from her companion's face to their clasped hands as they strolled along the shadowed shore.

Even in profile, with his sharp features limned with coppery moonlight, the changes in her friend were clear. The Doctor she'd left only minutes ago at the concert was bright and vibrant, with warm eyes and a manic grin that could barely be contained. There was always a bounce in his step and the promise of mischief in his smile. The man walking beside her had none of that boyish exuberance. His stride was firmer, more deliberate, his tension evident in his posture and the tightness that tugged the corners of his mouth. Even the feel of his hand in hers had changed. He held her hand more tightly now, more protectively, as if afraid she would fade away at any moment. She pursed her lips, turning her eyes back to the sand.

When Rose had first met the Doctor, he'd been a tall, lanky man with dark, close-cropped hair, a strong nose, and a distinct Northern accent. He'd been a loner, building walls around his hearts and mind in a vain attempt to stem the pain and guilt that had stalked him since the death of his homeworld. He'd opened up a bit in the end, starting to laugh and joke and even dance now and then, but all the time there'd been a shadow over him, a weight of responsibility that was as much a part of him as his leather jacket. Rose had come to love that Doctor dearly, yet no matter how close they became, he'd always kept his distance, as if afraid of the pain her inevitable loss would bring, the loss of yet another human friend whose entire lifespan was shorter than some Time Lords used to spend on holiday. And Rose had understood that.

When he'd regenerated, though, everything had changed. He'd come back as a much younger man, a man who not only welcomed her presence, but seemed, in some ways, to need it. Not just as a friend or someone to talk to, but as a partner, to help him carry the load and hold his demons at bay. This new Doctor wasn't a loner, far from it. He was more like Rose. Neither felt completely whole without another person to share their world with. The beauty and the horror, the tears and the laughs…everything, the universe, it was so much better with two.

And that's why it broke her heart to see the Doctor this way, withdrawn back into himself without a friend to pull him out and make him see that he wasn't truly alone.

Giving into a sudden impulse, Rose stopped their progress and enfolded the Time Lord in a hug. When he didn't respond right away, she released him and lowered her head.

"I'm sorry, Doctor," she said quietly.

"What?" The Doctor looked at her, a little off balance after the unexpected hug. "Rose, what could you possibly be sorry for?"

Rose shrugged, not quite sure how to express what she was feeling. "I guess… I know it's weird an' that—you seein' me after I've been, you know, gone so many years. But, it's just, I'm sorry I had to go. However it happened—an' don't tell me! I don't want to know. But whatever it was, old age or some monster that was just too clever, or got lucky, or whatever. It doesn't matter. Because, I wanted to stay with you forever. I do want to stay with you forever, no matter what. But, I guess my forever's sort of a lot shorter than yours is. An' I'm sorry."

"Oh, Rose. No. No, don't you ever be sorry. Not for that."

"But I am," she said. "Because, you're different now. I can tell. It's not just that you're older. You're all closed off, an' it's worse than the first time. 'Cause then it was because you'd lost your people an' your planet, an' now…" She sighed and pushed a stray lock of hair behind her ear.

"I thought, when you regenerated, your old brooding self was gone," she said. "But now, well, it's like, I see all that guilt again, in you, and it doesn't fit. Because, I loved him, an' he was in so much pain all the time, but every now an' then there was this flash, you know? He'd have, like, this sudden burst of joy, and I knew how good he was. An' then he was you an' it was like….like you were better. You were happy."

"Well, that's the thing with regeneration," he said, his voice flat. "You change faces but the man inside is still the same. It's the company you keep that makes the difference. An' that was you, Rose. You made me happy."

"But that's the thing!" Rose said. "That's what I'm tryin' to say. 'Cause, now I'm lookin' at you, an' it's like the whole thing's reversed. Like, when you regenerated, all the joy came to the outside, but the pain took its place inside. An' now it's like that joy is gone. An' there's just the pain that's left." She looked at him, her worried eyes boring into his defensive stare. "What happened to you, Doctor? Was it me? Is it my fault?"

"Your fault?"

"That I couldn't stay. That I had to… Because I'll find a way. There's got to be technology out there somewhere that could make me live longer."

"Rose, what are you saying?"

Rose looked up at him, her eyes filling with tears. "I love you too. I love you, Doctor, and I don't want you to be alone. You shouldn't ever have to be alone, an' I don't want it to be my fault, jus' because stupid little apes like me have to age an' wither an' die. I never wanted to break your hearts like that. Never."

The Doctor's expression slackened, then colored with shame.

"Rose, no. Rose, listen. Listen to me, Rose."

Rose looked up with a sniffle, wiping her streaming eyes on her sleeve.

"Rose," he said, "if I've changed, it isn't your fault. It's me. It's all me. An' I don't want you feeling guilty over something you can't control. I know the human life span is short. I know it better than you do. And it only makes me admire you all the more. Do you understand that, Rose?"

"What about Sarah Jane Smith, then?" Rose retorted. "When I asked why you left her behind all those years ago. When I asked why you never even mentioned her until we ran into her at that school. You said it's because we humans wither an' we die. You dropped her off on Earth and locked your time together away somewhere in your head and you never mentioned her! An' what about the others? All the other humans you took away with you on your adventures? What happened to them, Doctor? Why don't you talk about them?"

"All right," he said, a little sharper than he'd intended. "Sarah Jane was different. I got an emergency call from my planet demanding I come home and back then humans weren't allowed (1). I had no choice but to leave her on Earth. And by the time the problems on my planet had been dealt with, it was too late to go back. But the others… They left me, Rose. Susan, Ian, Barbara, Jo Grant, Romana, Leela, Tegan, Nyssa, Peri, Mel, even Ace and Martha. Even the friends you brought along, even Mickey! They all found their own lives, their own calling, outside the TARDIS, and those lives did not include me. They said good bye, every one of them, and I had to learn to let them all go. And then there were the others. Katarina. Adric. Jamie. Zoe. Astrid. Dear friends who died, or were ripped away, punished for my crimes. You're not the first who wished to spend your life with me, Rose. And you wouldn't be the first I've lost. So don't you dare blame yourself, or resent your humanity. This life of mine… It isn't kind and it isn't safe. An' sometimes, even I have a hard time accepting that."

Rose was quiet for a moment, subdued by what she'd heard. "So many," she whispered. "I didn't know… And you lost them all, didn't you?"

The Doctor sniffed sharply. "Yeah."

Rose shook her head. "Oh, I am stupid. To think— To think you were my Doctor."

"Don't," the Doctor said sharply. "Don't do that."

"But what am I supposed to think?" Rose asked. "You come here and tell me all this…"

"I told you I loved you," the Doctor said. "I've never said that to anyone before. Not the way I meant it when I said it to you."

"An' why did you tell me, Doctor?" Rose asked, her cheeks flushed and shiny with tears. "Why did you call me back? What's the point of bringin' all this up, of tellin' me we're going to lose each other, if you know we can't be together? Isn't this, like, against the Laws of Time or somethin'?"

"Yes. Yes, it is. But don't you see, Rose, I had to do it. I had to tell you, to talk to you. Because otherwise…" He turned away, suddenly unable to speak past the lump in his throat.

Rose came up behind him, her footsteps nearly soundless on the sand. "What did happen, Doctor?" she asked quietly. "It wasn't as long ago as you said, was it. You wouldn't be this upset if it was. It happens soon, doesn't it. I'm going to die soon."

"No." The Doctor shook his head firmly, his eyes shiny and red. "No, you're not going to die."

Rose's expression crumpled. "But you said—" she started. "But I wouldn't leave ya. Tell me I don't leave you, Doctor!"

"It isn't your fault, Rose," the Doctor said. "You tried everything to stay with me. Everything. It just…" He closed his eyes, fighting to shut out the images of those last agonized moments before the Vortex closed. "It just wasn't enough."(2)

"But, I don't understand! If I don't die, but I don't stay with you, then—"

"You're trapped," the Doctor blurted, unable to hold it back any longer. "On that parallel world. Pete's world. An' it's fine, Rose. You're fine. You're with your Mum, and Pete and Mickey an' you're all…just fine."

Rose was still for a long moment. Then she said, "An' what about Time, then?"

"Time?"

"Yeah. What about what you're always sayin', about Time bein' in flux an' that. Isn't there some way we could—"

"No."

"But—"

"No, Rose," the Doctor said, and the pain those words caused him was clear in his eyes. "We can't change what happened. Not without risking the rest of humanity. But it's all right, Rose. You go out a hero. You save the world."

"An' end up trapped in that zeppelin universe!" Rose exclaimed. "No thanks. There's got to be a way!"

The Doctor's expression darkened. "If there was a way, don't you think I'd have found it by now?" he snapped. "It took all I had, all my ingenuity just to send a holographic message through to you. All so we could have just one last moment to say good bye."

"So this is it, then," Rose sniffed. "There really is no way around it. It's fate."

The Doctor scoffed. "I don't believe in Fate."

"Right," Rose retorted. "You believe in choice. Free will. But if we can't change the future, what good is that? It's not. It's crap. All that's left is destiny. And mine's to get stuck in some alien universe far away from you."

"What can I say?" the Doctor said. "Some points are fixed, Rose. Some events just have to happen, those rare little knots that keep the tapestry of Time from unraveling. Pull on the wrong string, undo the wrong knot, and poof—you get a hole in the tapestry the size of a star system and lumps of loose, wrinkly thread hangin' off the back. What you did, Rose, that was one of those knots."

"But it isn't fair," Rose said, wiping her eyes.

"I know," he said, and pulled her into a gentle embrace. Rose sniffled and buried her face in his chest, snuggling in until she could hear his double heartbeat. "I know, Rose."

The Doctor held her close, resting his cheek on her hair. Rose squeezed him tighter, breathing him in until, finally, they both let go.

"So," Rose said, swinging her arms back and forth to avoid looking him in the eye. "What's next for you, then, Doctor? Has there been anyone else since I…um… Because I wouldn't mind, you know. I can't bear the thought of you traveling alone. An' if it can't be me with you forever, well…" She dredged up a smile. "'S still better with two, yeah?"

The Doctor shrugged. "There was Martha. Good ol' Martha Jones. She's a doctor herself now, livin' her life. Works with UNIT. Going to get married soon, I hear."

"So, she left too," Rose said quietly.

The Doctor looked at her, and the emotion in his eyes spoke more eloquently than any words. Rose had to swallow and look away.

"So that's what you meant, then. The Curse of the Time Lords. You go on, same old life. An' with every friend that leaves, it gets that much more empty. An' there's nothin' I can do, is there. Even if I could spend my life with you, when my forever's done you'll still be here, on your own. Watchin' out for the universe. An' I'll still be gone."

The Doctor averted his eyes. "Yeah."

"Then you have to find someone."

"What?"

"You have to find someone," Rose repeated. "And when that someone goes, you have to find someone else. And then someone else. 'Cause you can't let yourself get like this, Doctor. You can't give up on friends and love jus' because it ends. Because it doesn't end. Not once you have someone new to share with. It's just different."

"Rose." The Doctor frowned. "You don't understand—"

"Don't I?" she retorted. "I've seen my Mum, Doctor. My whole life it's been one man after another. An' in the end, they always leave. They get what they wanted an' then they go an' my Mum's left alone an' so angry an' hurt she swears never again. She'll never open herself up to that sort of hurt again. Then, a month later, maybe two, there's another Mr. Right jus' moved in round the corner. An' she's up on cloud nine all over again."

The Doctor furrowed his brow. "What are you sayin' to me?" he said. "I'm a lonely middle-aged woman?"

Rose almost giggled. "No," she said, sobering. "But I know lonely. I know what can happen to lonely people. Growin' up in a Council flat, I've seen things. Abuse, adultery, abandonment, suicide, murder, an' worse. I knew the victims and I saw how loss and loneliness changed them. They got all cold an' distant an' angry an' bitter an' so scared of lettin' anyone else in. An' I'm seein' that in you an' if you let this loneliness go on eatin' you you're gonna lose everything it is that makes you my Doctor, and the thought of that is worse than the thought of bein' trapped in that other universe. An' I am not goin' to jus' stand here an' let that happen to you!"

"And that's your solution?" the Doctor said. "To keep moving on, jumping from one companion to the next?"

"You're twistin' what I mean," Rose said, and sighed, struggling to gather her thoughts. "It's like," she said, "like, when you were with me, yeah? Were you lonely then?"

"No. But—"

"An' when you were with Martha. Sure, she left to go be a doctor and get married an' whatever, but when you were traveling together, were you lonely?"

"At times. But—"

"An' what about with the others?"

"Rose," the Doctor interrupted her. "I know what you're saying. But it's not that easy. People die when they travel with me, Rose. People get hurt."

"An' facin' up to that is what makes them fantastic." Rose stated, starting to get angry. "Travelin' with you, ordinary, boring people can be real heroes. They can realize they're not so borin' an' ordinary after all. They can do things, change things, make a real difference. An' if they're not willing to face the consequences of that kind of life, they don't deserve to travel with you. Can't you see that? I learned more about myself in the time we've spent together than I ever would have living my whole life back home. An' even knowin' all the danger, I'd still do it again. Because I want to. Because it's a part of me now, it's who I am and what I want to be. It's not all on you, Doctor. I chose to live this life too."

The Doctor stared for a long moment, his jaw working as if he were teetering between laughter and fury. Then, he took her hand and brushed his thumb over her knuckles with a soft, resigned chuckle. "Rose Tyler," he said. "You are something special."

Rose shook her head. "Nah," she said. "I'm jus' some bottle-blonde shop girl from a London Council flat who never finished school. An' one day, I met this man who didn't see any of that. He was brave an' good and he cared more about my life and my world than I thought anyone could. He showed me you don't need to be loud an' famous or rich or smart to be great. You jus' have to care, really care—enough to stand up and take action an' do what you believe in. Mickey learned that from you, an' so did I. You teach us to love, Doctor, and once that lesson is learnt, we can't just stand still, we have to use it. I think that's why Mickey left, an' if that's why he left then it's probably why your other friends left too. So you can think, they weren't abandoning you, Doctor. They're carrying on your work. An' if I have to be stuck in that parallel world, that's what I'll do too. 'Cause doin' anythin' else would be lettin' you down, and I jus' couldn't do that."

The Doctor brought her hand to her chest and looked her in the eye. "How do you do it?" he asked, and his lips twitched up into something almost like a smile. "I tell you I'm going to let you down, lose you to a parallel universe, and you go and build me up."

Rose stepped in closer, tilting her head with a shrug as she ran her tongue over her broad, white teeth. "I guess I'm just too good," she teased.

"Oh Rose." The Doctor smoothed a hand over her hair, then dropped her hand and lowered his eyes. "I can't do this," he said. "I have to leave. You have to go back." He looked back at her, his eyes reddening around the edges. "But I don't want to say good bye."

"Well, maybe there's a way?" Rose said. "Some way we haven't thought of yet? Maybe my future is tied up in a knot you can't undo, but if we could stay in contact somehow, even through the dimensions? It'd be something. An' you could tell me about your adventures an' your new friends, an' when they leave you won't be so alone. An' neither will I. An' then, we always will be together. 'Cause then, no matter where you are in time and space, you could always, like, text a message to where and when I am, yeah? An' I'd always be there to get it."

The Doctor tilted his head at that, his eyes flashing back and forth as if he were reading or watching something that wasn't there. When he looked up, though, his face broke into a bright, beaming grin.

"Rose Tyler!" he cried, sweeping her into her arms and giving her a spin. "You are a genius! I've done it before, but it never occurred to me to try it with you."

"Try what?" Rose asked. "And why wouldn't you think to try it with me?"

"It can be very dangerous," the Doctor said. "If the link gets too deep or if one mind is too strong and dominates the other. An' you got upset when you found out the TARDIS gets in your brain and translates languages for you. Why would I ask you to submit to something so primally invasive?"

"Like what?" Rose demanded. "What do you want to do?"

"A mind link," he told her. "We would share our memories, our thoughts, everything. An' if I don't close it off, there's no reason we shouldn't be able to draw on this link to contact each other across dimensions. Even if words can't carry across, even if it's just a vague sense that the other is still around and feeling, it's better than jus' wondering an' hoping. Don't you think?"

Rose swallowed, a little nervous at the prospect of the Doctor seeing into her mind. "So this mind link, then," she said. "What happens? You, like, touch my face and suddenly you can see all my memories?"

"And you would see mine. How far back it would go depends on the strength of the link."

Rose nodded slowly. "And how far back would it go?" she asked.

"All the way," the Doctor admitted, averting his eyes as he picked at a nail. "You'd see everything, more than I've ever shown anyone. It would have to be that deep if it's to keep us linked even through the dimensional boundaries."

"Ah," she said. "Yeah. That's very Spock."

"Yeah. So, what do you say?" the Doctor asked, looking almost as nervous as she felt. "Do you…do you want to link with me?"

Rose swallowed again, then straightened her shoulders, looking him straight in the eye. "Yeah," she said seriously, then smiled. "Yeah, Doctor. I do."

"Then come closer," he said, holding out his hand to brush his fingers against her temple. "I never told you this before, Rose, but I come from a planet called Gallifrey. I was Loomed there on Otherstide, a member of the House of Lungbarrow. I think we'll start with my earliest memory, when my older Cousins gathered together for my naming ceremony."

"You're going to tell me your name?" Rose stared, already losing herself in the swirl of color and sound and emotion of the Doctor's thoughts.

"I'm going to show you everything," he told her, his voice distant and dream-like. "Through this link, you'll become an inseparable part of me, and I of you. And in that way, the two of us will never be parted. Never, never ever."

"And that's why she came back to find me, that time Davros kidnapped the Earth and made it part of his reality bomb," the Doctor said, taking a big bite of his buttered scone (3). "I'd arranged for the link between us to remain sealed until she'd had enough time to grow used to her new reality. Apparently, a few of those sealed memories had just begun to leak out, and that's what prompted her to break her way through the reality barrier to warn me of what Davros was planning. She was certain that link would lead her straight to me."

"So, wait. Let me see if I understand. You blocked off her memories of your encounter on Yggiz Tsudrats—you falling off the cliff, your talk on the beach, the mental link, everything?"

"Yeah. And it worked. When I got back to our treehouse inn that night after the concert, I remember she was fast asleep, resting on top of the covers. She still had on her jacket and shoes. When she woke up, she said she'd been for a walk but was too sleepy to remember much of what she'd seen. She told me she must have just fallen on the bed and conked out. She never gave a hint that she'd met some older version of me, or that she knew anything of what lay ahead for us."

Sarah Jane nodded and sipped her coffee. "And what about you?" she asked. "Did you seal off your memories of the event as well?"

"I did," the Doctor nodded. "In fact, it wasn't until after I regenerated that the memories of that night started coming back."

"Perhaps it was too painful before?"

"Perhaps." The Doctor shrugged a little, then smiled. "But it's all right now. And I think the plan has worked. I can feel her, Sarah. I can feel her in that other world. I know when she's laughing, and when she's sad. And, as time goes on, I'm confident we'll be able to send messages to each other. Brief updates on our lives and families."

Sarah Jane raised her eyebrows above her spectacles. "Oh? You have a family now?"

The Doctor shot her his most boyish grin, which was quite effective considering that his new persona appeared to be somewhere in his mid to late twenties. "Well, I rather think of you as family," he said. "If that's all right with you?"

"Well, you do look barely older than my son," she teased. "Seriously though, Doctor, I'd be flattered."

The Doctor's grin broadened and he took another bite of scone. "My goodness, I haven't been this hungry since I can't remember when. High metabolism, I expect. I've actually caught myself dreaming about food lately." He chuckled. "Now I think I understand why Rose was always so intent on those chips of hers."

"So, she's really all right, now," Sarah Jane said. "You won't be having any more of those melancholy breakdowns or guilt attacks over leaving her on that parallel world?"

"Oh, she's all right," the Doctor said. "She's got me. Or, rather, a human clone of me. But I told you about that, didn't I?"

"Yes," Sarah nodded. "Although I'm still not sure I understand. I loved you, Doctor, at least as much as she did when I was young. And if you had come back and introduced me to some clone of yourself after dropping me off on Earth, I would have—"

"Yeah, and I wouldn't blame you a bit," he agreed. "But you're forgetting those memories Rose and I share. Sealed off for what, three, four, five years? Once that link was open, she would have been able to sense what was in my clone's heart as well as she could mine. He was the product of a botched regeneration, after all, and a link that deep, once established, doesn't change. She knew he could give her everything I wished I could."

"Except the TARDIS," Sarah Jane said.

"Yes, well," the Doctor said. "She has love, Sarah. Real, honest love."

"And you, Doctor?"

"I have love too," he said. "The love of my friends and my love for them. And my love for the universe."

Sarah Jane regarded him through the steam from her coffee mug. His eyes were so bright, his expression eager and fresh. "I see 'love' is no longer a four letter word," she said.

"Not for me," the Doctor smiled. Brushing his scone crumbs from his lap to the open dining area's tiled floor, he stood and bent over to peck her on the cheek. "Thanks for this, Sarah Jane," he said. "And I don't just mean the food."

"Be well, Doctor," she smiled, rising to give him a warm squeeze. "Come back any time. Whatever your mood, whatever your face. I'll be here."

"And I will love you for it," he smiled. "Oh, and before I forget!"

The Doctor reached behind his back, then spun in place before turning to face her with a theatrical flourish of his hands. Sarah gasped in delighted surprise when she saw he was holding out a small bouquet of pink periwinkles, blue forget-me-nots, and bright red carnations.

"For friendship, warm memories, and the rebirth of happiness," he said as she took the flowers and held them to her nose. "Happy Valentine's Day, Sarah Jane."

THE END

References:

(1) Reference to the 4th Doctor episodes "The Hand of Fear" and "The Deadly Assassin."

(2) Reference to the 10th Doctor episodes "Army of Ghosts" and "Doomsday."

(3) Reference to the 10th Doctor episodes "The Stolen Earth" and "Journey's End."