Author's Note One: First off, I want to say sorry about that cheesy title. This thing didn't even have a name until I finished it; and even then a fitting title didn't come to mind. I decided that if the only thing delaying this story being posted was the name, I could give it a quick one and change it later if I have to (but I doubt I will).

Summary: Oneshot. Elizabeth wants to marry Will, and Will wants to marry Elizabeth; but Governor Swann will hear nothing of it. But all they need is someone to perform a ceremony, and an old friend's in town at the right time. And he's willing to do it if they are. "I tell yeh what…I perform the marriage on my ship tonight, and by morning light you'll return to shore as Mr. and Mrs. Turner." Post CotBP.

Disclaimer: Not mine.

Author's Note Two: Please review at the end. Feedback is what I run on over here, folks!

To be Wed like a Pirate's Wed

To twenty-one-year-old Elizabeth Swann, being locked in a bedroom was nothing unusual.

No, if anything it was rather boring; the act had long ago lost the effect of making her change her mind to agree with her father's.

Ever since she was a young girl, Elizabeth had been strong of mind and as stubborn as any man. More so, in fact.

Her father, the governor of the town of Port Royal, always said she was her mother's daughter. Strong-minded and independent, her mother had been. Elizabeth glowed at the compliment, but it her worried her father.

When Elizabeth was naught but a child and would refuse to obey her elders or say something forward, people would laugh heartily and say to their companion, "Now isn't she an adorable little button?" A pinch of the cheek or pat of the head, which would only anger young Elizabeth to the point of doing something else bold, always followed the remark.

Her father would plaster a smile on his lips and adjust his wig uncomfortably. He would say nothing in front of guests, but pull her aside stiffly. Once aside, he scolded her not—only sent her directly to her room to ponder what was ladylike, and what was not.

The trick had only worked once, and even that time Elizabeth pretended. She came down slowly, hands clasped behind her back and blushing slightly, to appear as if she truly was sorry, and to look as much like a little lady as she could.

She told her father that was truly, truly sorry for calling Mr. Norrington an old geezer that does nothing but stand stiffly, even if she only mumbled it, inaudible to only a few. The words still shouldn't have left her lips, nor have been thought in her mind, she insisted to her father.

Governor Weatherby Swann had nodded approvingly and after a quick kiss on his cheek to sell the idea of being sorry, Elizabeth had scampered off to her room again.

She had only wanted to avoid punishment, and had not meant a word of what she had told her father; for even to this day, Elizabeth still thought James Norrington was an old geezer, though she had once been engaged to him. He was a fine man, she would say, but most fine men of his status were geezers. He was just a bit dreary, she always thought. But she never said anything like that aloud again, though it wasn't because of being sent to her room.

But Governor Swann had believed her, and believed that being cast to one's room was an adequate punishment that got the desired effect.

So he continued to do it, even if Elizabeth had done nothing wrong; he did it because he wanted Elizabeth to come around to his way of thinking.

But Elizabeth had never viewed things like her father had, and she was willing to warrant that she never would.

Especially if he didn't give consent on letting her marry the man she loved.

Wrapping her arms around her knees and hugging them to her chest, Elizabeth leaned back against the corner of her bed. As she remembered the day's happenings and the heated discussion with her father, she smiled even as she felt bitter.

It had been about six months since her adventure with pirates had come to a close, following Captain Jack Sparrow's escape. So it had been six months since she had been in a relationship with William Turner, then.

They had been romantically involved for six months, but she had known Will for almost nine years. They had been as close a pair of friends as propriety would allow, for Elizabeth was a governor's daughter and Will was a blacksmith's apprentice.

But, now, the way Elizabeth saw it, she loved Will and Will loved her, so why shouldn't they get married?

Twisting the ring Will had given her only a week beforehand, Elizabeth felt an overwhelming sense of joy. It was inexpensive, but no less beautiful or meaningful to her as any other engagement ring would have been.

Only one week, only seven days, ago Will had asked her for a hand in marriage, telling her he loved her and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, and Elizabeth had stared at him in wondrous shock.

But she had passionately and whole-heartedly accepted, laughing in delight as he placed the ring on her left middle finger.

They wanted to be married as soon as possible, they decided. But one obstacle stood in the way of joining Will and Elizabeth in holy matrimony.

Her father.

Will had been an orphan, lost at sea, and Elizabeth's mother died early into Elizabeth's childhood years, long before she and her father had made the crossing from England. The only person who needed to give consent was Weatherby Swann.

The governor didn't hate Will, but he wasn't fond of his interest in his daughter; nor her interest in him. He hadn't liked it from the start, but he didn't try to fight Elizabeth on whether or not she should be with the boy. He merely tolerated the relationship, and he wouldn't like this advancement in it.

But Elizabeth had been raised to do things properly, and propriety called for a father's approval. Elizabeth insisted on having to have it, and Will hadn't argued, though fear and worry were evident on his fine features. It was after a full week of waiting, of gathering her courage to confront him, Elizabeth went, alone, to ask for her father's consent.

That conversation certainly hadn't gone well.

-o0o-

"Father." Elizabeth stepped timidly into her father's study, a room she had been denied access to until only very recently. She spoke quietly and very sweetly—like she had done when she was little and wanted something. "Father, I must speak with you immediately."

"Not now, Elizabeth." Weatherby Swann didn't even look up from the papers he read on his desk; he never was the type of man that ignored his daughter, but he didn't allow his time with her to get in the way of his work. "I'm afraid I must attend to this problem immediately—pirates spotted, just off the coast." His gaze remained down and he didn't notice the trickle off excitement that shuddered through his only daughter.

Elizabeth greatly doubted the pirates would pull into Port Royal, not if they knew anything. She also doubted that the pirates in question were ones she knew—captained by a man, a pirate, she was particularly acquainted with, whether one consider that a good thing or not. Jack Sparrow.

Elizabeth shook thoughts of pirates from her mind; she had another, more pressing matter to attend to.

"I must send Commodore Norrington and his men out immediately…" Governor Swann was mumbling to himself; he was, now more than ever, very jumpy at the thought of pirates in the fort, because of Elizabeth's kidnapping half a year before.

"Father…"

"Elizabeth, are you still there?" For the first time, Governor Swann looked up from his charts and navigational devices and stared his daughter in the eye. "I do not wish to send you away, Elizabeth, but you must understand that I am very busy at this time."

"Oh, but it will only take a moment!" Elizabeth promised, standing straighter and begging her old father with her eyes. "It's about Will…and I…You see, Father…Will, he…"

"My goodness, child, I do not have time to here about the happenings of you and that William Turner right now!"

Elizabeth was shocked; her father rarely raised his voice to her. And though she knew the subject of her and Will's relationship had always been a touchy one, she never expected him to be this hostile about it.

Time to try a new tactic…

"I'll leave you now, Father…" Elizabeth started slowly, backing towards the door as she felt the familiar trickled of pleasure that always went through her when she did something considered rash. "I'm sorry for interrupting…"

"Thank you, girl," Weatherby said between one of Elizabeth's long pauses.

One last step…there. Elizabeth was at the door. Turning so she was already halfway out the doorway, Elizabeth called over her shoulder to the man inside, "I suppose I shall have to find a better time to tell you that Will and I are betrothed to the each other, engaged to be married in the upcoming months."

As Governor Swann's hands begin to shake and the pen in his grasp fell to the floor, Elizabeth darted out the door, ignoring the call of her father behind her.

"Elizabeth Swann!"

-o0o-

Resting comfortable on her bed in her bedroom, Elizabeth laughed at the memory. She knew she shouldn't, but she couldn't help it. There was something unnatural inside of her that always delighted in quickening her poor father's heartbeat, making him and his beloved propriety as nervous as could be. It was most unnatural, she was always told, to rebel in such ways; but to Elizabeth it was the most natural and common feeling in the world, having always been a part of her nature.

Of course, the rest of the discussion was nothing to laugh over…

-o0o-

"Elizabeth Swann!" Her father shouted, trembling hands clasped together in a death grip behind his back. He paced the room a bit in front of the couch that Elizabeth now sat on; she hadn't gotten far when she darted out of the room, having only made it into the living area before her father had ordered her to stop.

"Elizabeth!" Her father seemed incapable of uttering a single word other than her name, and merely repeated it over and over as he struggled to find the words to say. Elizabeth didn't dare say a word, not yet.

"Oh, Elizabeth…" Governor Swann's voice was only a whisper now, though he had been talking quite loudly only moments before. With weak and tired eyes the man stopped pacing again and turned to Elizabeth. "What have you gone and done…betrothed!" He was shouting again. "And without my consent!" Pacing once more. "William Turner didn't utter a word of asking me for your hand before he consulted you! That's…that's downright…unseemly!"

"Father…Father, please…" Elizabeth said in an attempt to calm her panicking father down. Will had told her about not speaking to her father, which was one of the reasons she had promised to speak with him first.

She stood up from the couch she had sat on, unmoving, until now and placed a hand on one of Governor Swann's shoulders. "Father, he was worried about how you would take it…" Under her breath she added, "And I can't say I blame him, now…"

Weatherby Swann turned to face her. "But I've never heard of such a thing! It's just not…"

"Proper?" Elizabeth smiled hesitantly, but when she saw her father was not returning the gesture, the smile melted from her face. Somberly, she continued, "We were concerned about what you would think about our engagement; which is why I am the one speaking to you and why Will did not say a word to you beforehand…"

It was Governor Swann's turn to sink down onto the couch and sit there rigidly. "But, Elizabeth…He is only a blacksmith…"

"Yes, Father, I know." Elizabeth sat down next to her father. "And I want nothing more than to be a blacksmith's wife."

"Oh…" Sounding as if the idea hurt him from the very depths of his soul, Weatherby Swann brought his hands up to his face and buried his aging features in them.

"I love Will very much, Father," Elizabeth said, trying to sell the idea of marriage to him. "And he loves me, more than you will ever know. Please, Father…all I ask for is for your consent and approval; for you to be present at the wedding. And what's more, walk with me down the aisle as I go to my groom."

Elizabeth thought she had made a very convincing argument, and for a second she thought her father would agree with her. But whatever thoughts he had about letting her marry Will vanished as soon as he saw her engagement ring.

Governor Swann's gaze caught the sparkle of the ring on Elizabeth's finger. It was the proof that they truly were engaged, and he stared at in a mixture of distaste and shock. "Oh, my…"

Seeing the ring seemed to help the Governor get his thoughts in order and he told his daughter, as harshly as he'd ever spoken to her, "Elizabeth, you are to spend the evening in your room, contemplating over all the many mistakes and negative consequences that will come of this wedding you wish for."

"No, Father, no…" Elizabeth whispered, begging her father with tear-filled eyes. "Please, just say you will consent…"

"I will not allow for my only daughter to be wed to a blacksmith. I am at fault here as well—I should have put a stop to this long beforehand."

"Father…"

"Off you are now, Elizabeth," Weatherby ordered. "Think of what you are doing before you do it, for once in your young life."

-o0o-

The grin that had covered Elizabeth's features when she recalled surprising her father with such news was long gone now, no trace that it had ever been there visible, as she remembered the ending to her and Governor Swann's conversation.

She'd only been up her an hour, said the rational side of her mind; but the irrational side—the one that controlled most of Elizabeth's actions—told her she'd been up here much longer; hours on end, perhaps. She had to get out.

Elizabeth rolled her head back and groaned. Her father wouldn't allow her to leave the house, for fear of she would go to see Will. And he would be right.

She couldn't just waltz down the stairs, announce she was going for a walk, and be done with it. No, she would have to be a little more devious that that.

Elizabeth remembered when she was younger, maybe twelve or thirteen, when she had had a nasty fight with her father and later had left the house without his knowledge. She had—and it had been difficult in a dress, she remembered vividly—climbed out the window of her room, and, using the vines that grew on that side of the house, the one facing the ocean, shimmied down the mansion wall until she was close enough to the ground to jump safely to the dirt below.

…Actually, Elizabeth was pretty sure she fell once she neared the bottom, but either way she had escaped safely.

She also remembered that, when she had been put in the captain's quarters of the HMS Dauntless just on her last adventure with the pirates, she had used bed sheets to climb out of the boat and into a dingy and on board the Black Pearl.

Elizabeth smiled. If she had done it twice before, she could do it again.

-o0o-

Jack Sparrow was out of rum.

Those six words, put together in a sentence, were life changing.

…Well, maybe they weren't life changing…But it was pretty bad. It cut the world's population in half, at least, seeing as Jack didn't see double without rum; and he guessed that could be pretty life changing. Everyone in the world just lost his or her twin.

The pirate captain himself scowled at his stupidity. Listen to the way he was thinking! Lost his or her twin! Jack needed rum…very badly. Being sober didn't suit him.

Pushing himself out of the chair in the Captain's quarters, Jack made his way to the door. He waltz onto the deck, leaning on his heels as he usually did, and called to out to the man at the wheel, "Gibbs—Make sail to the nearest place where they sell rum."

"Rum, Cap'n?" Gibbs questioned. "Don't we have any in the hold?"

"Would I be asking if we had any in the hold?" Jack demanded. Without waiting for an answer, he continued, "Didn't think so. Now, Gibbs, set sail for land—or go without rum until our next docking in Tortuga."

"As you wish, Cap'n." Gibbs went rigid at the threat of no rum. "Set sail for Port Royal with all haste?"

Jack blew through his lips and thought a moment. Port Royal? He really only went there when he had to. In fact, he hadn't been back since some six months ago…That last visit with good old Royal had almost ended in a hanging. His hanging.

Eventually, though, the threat of potential death and or danger—he could always send his crew out in his place, anyway—lost to the need for rum.

"Yes, Mr. Gibbs. Set sail for Port Royal with all haste."

-o0o-

It was dark outside when Elizabeth finally made it to the bottom of her house. She dropped the last few feet onto the hard ground with an "oof!" as a tingling pain started in her bare toes and made it's way up her legs.

Shaking off the pain, more annoying than anything else, Elizabeth wrapped her arms around herself—the ocean wind was rather chilly after dark, and she had changed from her evening attire to her night robe as to better move about as she shimmied down (and the corset she wore had been hard to get off alone without Estrella's help, she could tell anyone). She did not worry that there was little light but the moon; her feet knew the path to the blacksmith's shop so well she did not need light to lead her.

The walk to her fiancée's home did not take but five minutes and Elizabeth found herself standing in front of the building soon enough. She pressed her face close to the wood, rapping lightly at the door. "Will? Will?" she called softly. "It's me, Elizabeth. Open the door, Will."

There was no answer, but a few minutes after she called, she heard light footsteps make their way over to the door from the inside. The door opened a crack to revealing a bed-headed William Turner.

"Elizabeth?" He whispered, but his tone was still surprised. "What in the world are you doing here? And at this hour of night?" He brushed a hand through his messy hair, and it smoothed itself out a bit. After scratching his neck for a minute, his eyes widened in panic. He grew rigid, protective. "You're all right, aren't you? Has something happened?"

"I'm fine, Will," Elizabeth quickly assured her love. "I'm all right." She drew her robe around her in an exaggerated coldness. "It's a bit chilly out here, though. Care to let me in?"

"Oh," Will said, still slightly confused. "Of course." He opened the door the rest of the way to allow Elizabeth access inside. She brushed past him in her way in, and he seemed for the first time to notice just what she was wearing, not to mention the blush that crept up his neck when he realised he too was in his nightclothes.

"Elizabeth! Are you entirely certain this is—"

"Please don't say 'proper'." Elizabeth stood on tiptoe to give him a quick kiss on the lips, a gesture her betrothed willingly returned, with only a small feel of confusion on his lips.

"As pleased as I am to see you." Will put a gentle hand on her cheek before letting it slide off to close the door. "Will you tell me what's going on now?"

"It's my father, Will. I talked to him about our engagement earlier this evening." Elizabeth watched as Will's back went tense and she could feel his nervousness even though he was not facing her. He turned towards her slowly, afraid.

"And?" he prodded.

"He sent me to my room to think about the consequences of such an idea," Elizabeth replied, her disappointment evident in her eyes as she sunk into the small bench that lived in the corner of the blacksmith's shop. Will's eyes mirrored her own, and he came to sit beside her. "It did not go well," she said, though that was rather obvious, and buried her head into his chest.

Will held her close for a moment, both of them reflecting at what this meant. How would they get married now?

"We could still go through with it, you know," Will comforted. "It's not the end."

"It'll just be so much harder and…" Elizabeth took a shaky breath, calming herself down but unable to finish her sentence. Not that it mattered too much, she didn't even know where she was going with it. "I did want his consent, though, Will."

Will kissed the top of her head. "I know. I would've felt better with it, too."

It was silent for a moment, neither one knowing what else to say. It was obvious Elizabeth was shaken up by it all, and so Will decided it was time to get them both away, and let her forget for awhile.

After their recent escapade with pirates, both Will and Elizabeth had found the call of the ocean unnaturally strong. Will went down there when he was upset, and Elizabeth walked in the sand quite often. Right now was as good as time as any to go to the sea.

"Come on." Will stood up, and grabbed Elizabeth's hand. "Let's go."

Elizabeth followed him, squeezing his hand for comfort. "Where?" was the only question she had to ask.

"We're going down to the beach."

-o0o-

"Here we are," Jack said distastefully, stepping out of the dinghy that Gibbs had rowed ashore. The Black Pearl could be seen farther out in the bay, hidden by a small cove that provided a nearly safe haven for the pirate's to dock in while a small number of men went out for supplies. Tonight, those men consisted of Gibbs and Jack, as well as two other men—Marty and Cotton—that had followed in another dinghy.

"You know where to find the rum, mates," Jack said. He gestured them away. "Be quick. I want to be out of here by morning." His head bent back to look at the sky. "I think that only gives us…so many hours."

"Aye, Cap'n." Gibbs didn't comment on Jack's vague timeline. The old pirate was a bit smarter than that. Instead he set out with the others, not bothering to ask Jack what he planned to do. He would follow them if he wished, but it was very likely the pirate captain would wander off in town alone.

And that's exactly what he did. As Gibbs and the others set off into town to get the rum, Jack headed the opposite way. Curiosity was bubbling inside him—he had to find out what had become of a certain young couple he had met once before, six months prior.

-o0o-

"It's beautiful, Will." Elizabeth hooked her arm through Will's. She rested her head on his shoulder and looked out at the horizon. "This was the perfect place to come."

"I thought it might make you feel better," Will replied as the couple strolled along down the beach.

"It does," she assured him. Elizabeth raised her head and looked at him a moment. "So do you."

The kiss that followed was hardly a surprise, but it ended too soon for Will's liking. But Elizabeth had seen something over her lover's shoulder, and she broke away to point it out.

"Will, do you see that over there?" Her hand worked its way out of his to point out at the horizon. "It looks almost like a ship."

"That's what it is," Will said, squinting. "I'm sure. Do you think I'm crazy when I say I recognize the ship?"

"It's the Pearl," Elizabeth breathed. It didn't seem very probable for them to think they knew the ship, having only been on board it for a few days months ago. But neither person questioned the other. Both of them were certain the ship in the bay was the Black Pearl.

"Why is it here?" Will asked. "Do you think it means the crew's in Port Royal?"

"Father did say pirates were spotted just off the coast," Elizabeth murmured absent-mindedly.

"I don't believe it. I never thought I'd see them again."

Elizabeth opened her mouth to say something, but didn't have time before she was knocked to the ground; the answer to Will's question came in the form of a slightly disgruntled pirate that know lay on top of a largely disgruntled governor's daughter.

-o0o-

"Ah, Elizabeth. So good to see you."

Jack's Sparrow's voice, sheepish in his amusement, greeted Elizabeth as soon as Will helped her to her feet. He continued, "Didn't see you there."

Elizabeth felt she should be happy to see the pirate, a man she liked to consider an acquaintance, at the very least. But the way he had chosen to say hello made her snappy instead.

"Jack Sparrow," she growled. "I—"

"Captain."

"What?" Elizabeth broke off what she was about to say to ask.

"It's still Captain Jack Sparrow." He pointed out to sea, where the Black Pearl was still floating. "I still have a ship. And that makes me captain."

"What are you doing here, Jack?" Will asked.

"Rum." The pirate grinned and both Will and Elizabeth rolled their eyes. Jack looked them up and down, sizing them up. Finally, he spoke again. "So…long time no see, eh?"

"I suppose it is," Elizabeth responded dryly. Still a little cranky over earlier, Jack supposed.

After that, an awkward silence fell over the three. Jack just stood there, uncomfortable. Elizabeth leaned into Will, tired this late at night. Her fiancée smiled down at her, and wrapped a hand around her shoulders. Elizabeth's hand flew up to cover his hand with hers.

That was when Jack brightened considerably. The movement had drawn his attention to the ring on her finger. "A mar-i-age is in demand, then?" He nodded. "I like weddings. Good place to get free rum."

Elizabeth looked down at her ring finger and sighed. It was obvious the reminder distressed her. "There was supposed to be a wedding, Jack. Not anymore."

"Not anymore?" The pirate echoed astoundingly. "Then why is…why are you…" His hands flew around his head, gesturing at her ring, then at them holding each other, confused.

"We're still engaged," Will explained. "There were just some…complications…with getting Elizabeth's father to consent."

"Ah." Jack said it like it explained everything. He put his face right into Will's, and then Elizabeth's before continuing. "You know, being captain of my own ship, it's possible for me to perform a marriage…"

The two lovers looked right at each other in astonishment as Jack kept going.

"I could do it…right here…right now."

"Why would you do something like that for us?" Will asked suspiciously.

"I'm offended, Will," Jack said, drawing back as if he had been hit. "To think I always only think of myself…"

Will cleared his throat.

"A wedding is an excuse to drink rum," Jack said brightly, as if he actually looked for an excuse to down it all. "And.…" He looked around as if telling some important secret. "That two-timing, good-for-nothing, ungrateful, mutinous, former first mate of mine once told me he performed a marriage on his ship, and he wouldn't shut up about me having never done one before."

"But Barbossa's dead now," Elizabeth said dubiously.

"Doesn't mean the competition stops, luv."

"I could care less about his reasons for doing this, Will," Elizabeth began hopefully. "I just want to be married to you."

"I don't know." Will put a hand to his forehead in thought. He addressed Jack. "Would that be entirely legal?"

Jack waved the notion away. "'Legal' means so many things. What could be legal to me may not be legal to another…" He looked at Elizabeth slyly. "Your old man, for example."

When he saw Will and Elizabeth were actually considering it, Jack offered one last thing to sell the idea.

"I tell yeh what…I perform the marriage on my ship tonight, and by morning light you'll return to shore as Mr. and Mrs. Turner."

-o0o-

"Are you sure about this, Elizabeth?" Will asked one last time, before helping her into the dinghy he was already standing in with Jack and Gibbs.

"A little too late to back out, now, don't you think?" Elizabeth said nervously, climbing in to sit beside Will. "I want to be married to you as soon as possible."

"Ready?" Jack asked impatiently, when the couple still seemed unsure.

Will nodded, and Jack gestured for Gibbs to row. Jack was much too lazy to row himself, and Will didn't really feel like he had to be polite and assist.

Gibbs looked at Will and Elizabeth, nodded a silent hello, and started to row. Marty and Cotton were ahead of them in the other dinghy, carrying the (illegally acquired) rum. It didn't take long for both boats to reach the larger ship, and there Will and Elizabeth stood on deck, finding the air to be much warmer out at sea than on land.

"Jack, why did we have to come all the way out here to do this?" Elizabeth asked when the pirate was done unloading the rum.

"Is there something wrong with being wed on the Pearl?" Jack said defensively.

"Well, no, but…"

"Then there's nothing to worry about." Jack grabbed his hat from Gibbs when the other pirate delivered it to him. "Do you have any rings?"

Will and Elizabeth exchanged guilty glances; Jack noticed and before either one could say a word, he cut in.

"That's fine." His gaze fell to look at his hands, each finger on both hand armed with a ring. He put them behind his back and cleared his throat loudly. "Who really needs rings, eh? You can do that part later."

New and unused to the whole marriage on a ship thing, the two lovers just stood aside, and let Jack tell them what to do.

"I don't suppose you want any of these scallywags present, do yeh?" Jack gestured vaguely behind him, indicating Gibbs, Marty and Cotton, as well as the forecastle where the rest of the crew slept.

Gibbs looked slightly startled at the idea, as if the thought of having to go through a wedding was too much for him, and Marty and Cotton each took a step closer to the forecastle door.

Will laughed. "They don't have to if they don't want to."

"You heard the groom!" Jack shouted a little too loudly, waving them away. They started to flee, but Jack called one of them back. "Master Gibbs!" he ordered for him to stop; "Don't these things need witnesses or something? You stay."

Gibbs groaned silently behind his captain's back, his head rolling to the sky and then back again in his distress. But he only said, "Aye, Cap'n."

"All right." Jack grinned. He clapped his hands together, then rested either hand on both Will and Elizabeth's shoulder. "Let's do this thing, eh?"

-o0o-

Will and Elizabeth stood opposite each other, each holding the other's hands, and looked at Jack awkwardly. The pirate captain had seemingly forgotten them, and was waltzing around the deck and muttering to himself. Gibbs shifted uncomfortably, once, twice, three times, and disappeared below deck before anyone could notice.

A moment later Jack clapped his hands together and stood facing them. But he addressed the forecastle door. "Gibbs," he drew the name out warningly, "get back up here." There was the sound of feet being drug against the wooden deck, and then Gibbs appeared, pulling the arm of Mr. Cotton. The former was muttering and cursing at his companion under his breath.

"Oh, no, no, no, Cotton, ol' mate," he said in rush of breath, "if I'm sitting through this, so are you. Misery loves company, aye?"

Cotton, being unable to object verbally, glared through his eyebrows at his captor. Both came to a stop in behind their captain, close enough to satisfy, but as far away as they could possibly get. Jack only acknowledged them with a nod of his head.

"Dearly," the pirate began, eager to begin and end, "…do I have to say 'beloved'? Ehh…. Ladies and Gentlemen," he said instead, "we be gathered here today for…well, actually, we were already here, but then we decided to have this thing. Technically, we aren't gathered here for this. So." Jack cleared his throat, ignoring the looks he was getting from Will and Elizabeth, and tried again. "We were already gathered here today because we ran out of rum—"

"JACK!"

"What? I'm getting there."

"Will, do something!"

"What can I do, Elizabeth? It's his way or no way."

"Thanks, mate. Now, as I was saying," Jack held his hands side by side as if he held a book, though his hands were empty; "since we were all here we decided to join these two lovers to be joined in the binding, boring, pitiful life—"

"WILL! Listen to him!"

"Would you stop interrupting me, woman?! You want to get married before your death, don't you?"

Elizabeth glowered, Will sighed, and Jack smirked.

"—of marriage, and I, as the infamous, wonderful, amazing, talented—"

Will released Elizabeth's hand and gently covered her mouth before she could object.

"—Captain Jack Sparrow, am to be the one to marry them, here, on the Black Pearl, all the way out at sea, seeing as the wife's father was too much of a—"

"Please don't insult my father, Jack."

"Whoever said I was? Honestly, Elizabeth, you could hurt a man's feelings that way: always thinking we're here to tease and insult." Jack paused a moment to bask in Elizabeth's frustration before he went on with his speech. "So, seeing as the daughter is present and we have to be kind to her old man, we'll skip right along to the next part…"

Jack looked down at his empty palms and proceeded to read from his imaginary book, "See, what's next? Haven't been to one of these in…Oh! I know: Elizabeth Swann, are you completely sure you want to make this man, William Turner the second—Hey! I knew his full name all by myself!—your husband for the rest of your life? Please, take a moment to think about what you're about to do. He'll be the only man you'll ever be able to…you know…and what, with the evidence to his being a eunuch and all, are you completely sure—"

"I am," the bride interrupted, "and I do."

"I am not a eunuch," Will muttered under his breath, but aside from that, he remained waiting patiently for his turn.

Jack looked at Elizabeth. "So you want to marry him despite the fact he's a eunuch?" He shook his head sadly—"women"—before continuing: "William Turner, do you take this woman here, Elizabeth Annoying and Complaining Swann—"

"Jack," Will said simply, "don't." He was a tolerate man, but you just didn't insult his girl.

Jack grumbled as Elizabeth brows furrowed angrily. Gibbs snored for effect and Cotton looked bored.

"Suit yourself, mate," the pirate told the groom; "but I know how she can be."

"And how would you know that?" Elizabeth asked, not looking in the slightest way amused. Jack grinned with a cocky flash of gold teeth, in a way that suggested a secret that only she and he knew.

"William, ol' boy," he began in a seemingly slow voice, but he spit the rest out in a typical fast Jack Sparrow way: "have I ever told you the story about the night me and your bonnie lass were marooned on a lonely little island with absolutely no way to entertain ourselves other than to get hopelessly drunk and—OWWWWW!"

It had taken Elizabeth a moment to understand his faster-than-lightning ramblings, but when she finally did, his cheek knew. Even her hand stung a bit from the force of the slap, but she only took her hand in Will's again sweetly.

Will's eyebrows were arched, but he said nothing; and for the first time all night, Gibbs looked slightly interested.

"I understand," Jack muttered darkly, his hand rubbing the side of his cheek softly, "I'll get on with it." He lowered his hand and proceeded to talk in a would-be serious voice. "Now, where was I…ah, here we go, William Turner, do you take Elizabeth"—here he looked up to glower at her for taking the fun out of calling her a name—"SWANN to be your…well, not 'lawfully wedded'…uh, piratical wedded wife for as long as your pitiful life without the presence of a ship so wonderful as mine will go on?"

"Will you just keep your comments to yourself, Jack Sparrow? Your other cheek still isn't bruised!"

"It's all right, Elizabeth."

"Will, I can really do without them, though. They're so—"

"I know, I know."

Jack turned around to whisper to his crewmates. "And they accuse me of delaying this thing?" Neither responded with more than a blink. Jack turned back around and cleared his throat. "So, whelp, how do you answer?"

"Yes," Will said, "I do."

"Thought as much. So," he began for what he hoped to be the final time, "seeing as I can't seem to remember what else is to be done at this small wedding of ours, I have nothing left to do than to pronounce you—"

"Wait!"

Jack growled. "Again with the interruptions."

"We have to exchange a ring," Elizabeth explained.

"You don't have any."

"I have this." Elizabeth wiggled her engagement ring off her finger, where it had been since Will had put it there; "and the least I can do is let Will put it back on."

Will looked amused but ready to oblige. Jack cocked an eyebrow. "Why?" he growled out, annoyed.

"It feels wrong without it." Elizabeth handed the ring to Will, and Jack rolled his eyes.

"You may exchange the ring—"

Before he could say another word, there was a screeching like Elizabeth hadn't heard for awhile and she felt something land on her shoulder. She startled and the creature leaped from herself to Will, and she saw it was the monkey Barbossa had kept. It balanced himself on Will's shoulder and patted her fiancée's head, as if he were the monkey's pet.

"Hello, there." Will laughed good-naturedly. But the monkey was in no mood. He reached a long arm down to Will's hand and played with the ring it held. It shined brightly in the moonlight, and the monkey screeched again. Fast as lightning he jerked it from Will's hand and jumped from his shoulder to the mast.

"Wait a minute!" Will cried out, racing after it, "come back here! You can't have that!"

As she watched her husband awkwardly climb the mast, Elizabeth sat down on a barrel and sighed. "This is terrible," she muttered; "nothing is going right tonight."

"For me and you both," Jack said in the same distressed tone Elizabeth had spoken; though it was evident from the sparkle in his eye he was only mocking her. The sight of Will swinging in the rigging was too much of an enjoyment to dishearten him.

"Get up," he ordered Elizabeth after another happy glance at Will in the mast; "you're sitting on the barrel rum we stole tonight."

Elizabeth moved, but she was not silent as Jack fished out a full bottle of rum and took a swig. She made a grab for it, but missed. "There will be none of that drink tonight!"

"Who died and made you captain?"

"It's my wedding night!"

"It's my ship!" Jack said in a very convincing girly voice, mocking Elizabeth to the point of screaming in frustration. He took a satisfied swig of the drink before having enough nerve to offer her the bottle.

Elizabeth huffed and walked away. "Will, come down from there!" she shouted to keep her mind off the man she was sitting down here with. "You'll hurt yourself!"

"I'm fine, Elizabeth." The reply was faint. "I've almost got it!"

At the same time Will could be seen lunging for the monkey, the was a shrill monkey-call and the ring clattered to the deck. Gibbs picked it up.

Elizabeth spared her engagement ring only a glance as she noticed Will swaying uneasily at his sudden lunge. "Careful, Will!"

"It's okay, Eliz—" But it was not okay, because before he could even finish his love's name, the blacksmith came tumbling down from the rigging and fell into the water with a splash! Jack nearly burst in his insane laughter. Elizabeth stood up angrily.

"Jack Sparrow! You indecent, intolerable, pathetic excuse for a man! A fall like that could've killed him!" She paced back and forth in front of him, fuming. "You're so infuriating! Why are you laughing? He might be hurt!"

Jack's laughter only grew louder as he rubbed his stinging cheek the second time that night. Gibbs turned to Cotton with a quizzical eyebrow.

"This is actually turning out to be a rather interesting night. Remind to me to go to more weddings when we get back to Tortuga…"

-o0o-

Other than looking like a drowned sea rat and shivering in the breeze, Will was completely fine as Gibbs, under Jack's orders, got him out of the water five or six minutes later. He gratefully wrapped himself up in the cloth (looked almost like a torn sail) and told them just to continue, if Gibbs still had the ring.

Gibbs produced the accessory and gave it back to Will. The blacksmith clutched it tightly, and looked around suspiciously for the monkey; but the creature had disappeared.

"Why do you still have that monkey?" Elizabeth asked.

"The bloody thing just won't die," Jack said, looking as if Elizabeth had touched a sore spot in his pride and ego. "And believe, me, I've tried."

Elizabeth nodded vaguely; she didn't seem as mad now that she could look at the pirate and see two red cheeks, one still there from earlier, and the more recent one on the other side. She found a grim satisfaction in it.

"My rum's almost gone." Jack held up his bottled as proof. "So can we just get this over with?"

"Go ahead," Will said, not letting the small matter of him being soaked bother him as the sea wind dried him off ever-so-slowly.

Jack began for what had to be the twentieth time that night. "You can put that stupid ring on her finger now."

All the romance was dead when he put it that way, but the mushy display of affection that passed between bride and groom as Will lovingly put the ring back on Elizabeth's finger a second time before kissing the hand that held it gently brought all the gooey romance back, and Jack faked a gag.

"So, because I'm the best captain of the best ship EVER, I am allowed to pronounce you eunuch and cheek-slapper. May you living pitifully ever after in the dull life that is marriage."

Will and Elizabeth sighed in unison, but knew that that announcement was as good as it was gonna get. They couldn't make the pirate stop. "All right, Jack," Elizabeth said, finally surrendering after a night of protesting; "whatever you say."

"That's right," Jack said smoothly, "because I'm the captain." He read from his palm again. "'Kay. Now that that's all done and over with: whelp, kissing your bloody—not literally, though; she was the one that slapped me—wife so you can get the bloody 'ell out of here."

Will ignored all the unnecessary comments and kissed Elizabeth sweetly. Jack cleared his throat impatiently as the kiss went on…and on…and on…and on.

"Stop with the public display off affection!" he ordered, hitting them with the dull end of his sword (it had, sadly, been on his waist the whole time). "Not on my ship, you don't! Go on, Mr. Turner, Mrs. Turner." Jack shooed them away as they broke apart. "Have fun with your new, binding and boring lives as a married couple."

"I hardly think our life will be boring, Jack."

Jack's eyes widened at the adoring look Elizabeth gave Will. The pirate looked disturbed. "Ugh," he said, "seems I forgot about the wedding night." He made a face as if to say, that's just gross. For them, anyway.

It was Will and Elizabeth's turn to be shocked. They stood next to each other uncomfortably, shifting awkwardly. Jack grinned happily that once again had the upper hand in their discomfort.

"Now get off my ship."

-o0o-

Jack, being the lazy arse captain that he was, stayed behind on the Black Pearl as Gibbs ushered the so-called newly-weds into a dinghy and began rowing ashore. He said nothing as Will and Elizabeth talked in their own little world.

"It was not quite the way I imagined it, Will," Elizabeth said, looking up at him from her spot where her head was buried snugly in his chest. Her lover's arms tightened around her in a comforting hug.

"I suppose not, Elizabeth," he replied, "but it's the way pirates go about it, I guess."

"Well, it most definitely wasn't the romantic day I would have imagined. Not to mention almost certainly illegal. Is he truly licensed for that, do you think?"

Will only shrugged. Elizabeth played with her engagement ring thoughtfully. "I would say all that matters is that now you are my husband, and I am your wife."

"That's all I've ever wanted." Will kissed her sweetly on the cheek, but Elizabeth was still thinking. She turned her head and straightened up to look him right in the eye.

"I can't help feeling this is wrong," she said, and Will raised an eyebrow.

"How so?"

"I don't know. It just doesn't feel right. And what will father say when he finds we were married by a pirate?" Elizabeth wasn't able to fathom it as she spoke, subconsciously, aloud:

"Will, perhaps we should have this wedding done legally on our return to shore?"