Fool's Game
IceAngelDarkMoon
Ok so this is my first try at slashing Shakespeare. He is my hero, so this was really hard for me, but after seeing an amazing version of 12th Night I just had to. Oh I don't own the play, the characters, and there is slash! If that bothers you leave, or read (you know you're really curious!)
A quick recap of the Twelfth Night by William Shakespeare, and the staging of the version this was based off of.
Two twins are separated when their ship is sunk in the storm, and each believes the other is dead. The girl Viola, dresses up as a man to serve the Duke, and gets chosen to act as the Duke's voice in courting the Lady Olivia. Olivia spurns the Duke and falls for Viola. There are smaller plots with the butler getting his karma back, and some other minor characters. At the same time Sebastian, the twin brother, is saved from the sea by Antonio a sea captain.
In the version this is based upon when Antonio gives Sebastian his purse because he is a criminal in Illyria, there is a kiss. This was the only kiss in the entire staging.
The basic story continues with chaos as the twins are in the same space and being mistaken. Sebastian marries Olivia, who thought he was Viola. Viola is in love with the Duke, who is still in love with Olivia. It seemed that everyone was miserable.
During the story Feste is referred to as the Fool. He spent a lot of time earlier at Olivia's manor, and has just returned. He provides comedy and music. He is involved in every story part, and controls certain aspects. He ends the play singing a song about it always raining while we see the characters disperse, and they are all miserable.
In this version Antonio looked close to tears and after a slight pause lays his purse on a bench in Olivia's garden. He gave the purse to Sebastian to explore. When Antonio gets caught after helping Viola, he asks her for it but she can't give it to him, and he feels betrayed. Later it he is question by the Duke and the twins show up at the same time. Antonio is again left feeling betrayed as he finds out Sebastian has just been married. So the purse seems to be symbolic.
This is just a VERY cursory explanation, a little more detailed than what is actually needed. But this way the story can hopefully be enjoyed without having to read or watch the play (which may be more confusing because this was a very unique staging that this story is based upon.
When he got bored Feste played games, he used the people around him as his pawns. This game had fallen into his lap, which was unusual, but he took it in stride. It was turning out to be one of his best games yet. The people were just so easy to move into place, and they never even realized he knew everything. There are many situations where everyone forgot he was there. Almost none of them even knew his name; they all called him clown or the fool. It just made it that much easier to manipulate them.
There was only one thing that he for which he had not been prepared. He knew the brother was alive and could then be added to the mix. The sea captain had provided another pawn, one that began the unraveling of the whole plot. But it was these two men that had surprised Feste, and he was not surprised often. He'd been trying to gather some information and see if there was a way to influence the meeting of them and the rest of his pawns, when he had seen them. Feste had heard of such things, but had never seen anything like it with his own eyes.
Antonio and Sebastian had been arguing about going to Orsino's court. Then Antonio had started to talk about his feelings for Sebastian. When he handed over his purse, and his hand had rested on Sebastian's cheek. It had puzzled Feste for a moment, then the next it was explained. Antonio had leaned in and kissed Sebastian. Feste almost fell out from behind the tree he was watching from. He had not expected that at all, and from the look on Sebastian's face he had not been either. While the whole thing was over within seconds and in a few more the men had parted ways, the event had stayed with Feste.
He remembered hearing stories of King Arthur's knights, and the Spartan warriors, and the men of Athens, but he had never imagined seeing anything like it. From his point of view it was easy to tell Antonio was the one who was not afraid of this and had initiated it. It was hard for Feste to tell how Sebastian felt. But he had a feeling that even if Sebastian felt the same, he would never act on it. He had looked too scared.
As the rest of the game played out, Feste had felt his eyes drawn to that renegade sea captain. The captain had started the chain of mistaken identities between the twins, but soon faded to the background. Feste had needed to play his hand carefully but the game had wound up as he had wanted. Cesario was with the Duke, Toby was with Maria, Olivia married to Sebastian, Malvolio and Sir Andrew were out of the house. But even as he watched the scene unfold his eyes had stayed on Antonio. He had watched as Antonio and Sebastian talked in hushed tones while everything else unfolded. Feste had been struck by how close they still were, even though Sebastian had chosen Olivia. He hadn't been sure whether Sebastian would stay with Olivia, especially as he watched hem lean together and whisper. But their grief-stricken faces were all he needed to see, Sebastian's fear had won out over his heart. Antonio looked very close to tears, but he refused to let them fall in that public gathering. Feste had wanted to approach him, but that was against the rules of his game. So he just watched as the game ended and everyone suffering from varying degrees of unhappiness.
Feste had taken up his guitar and sung a nostalgic song as he watched the pawns disperses. His eyes followed the freed but lonely sea captain. Feste's eyes followed the pained face of the captain as he deliberately laid his purse down and turned to walk away. Feste waited a moment and picked it up. He knew it had symbolized a bond that had not existed between the captain and Sebastian, and in his hands it felt warm.
He let his feet choose his path as he plucked at the guitar and hummed a tune. He was surprised to find when he looked up, that his feet had followed the captain to where he was sitting on a cliff watching the ocean crash against the rocks. Feste stood there for a little bit just watching the man. It was obvious that Antonio had been crying, but he would never admit it. Feste wondered what it felt like to offer your heart to someone only to have it broken. He sang about love and yet he had never felt it himself. He just traveled the world and observed; he didn't actually participate. Yet as he watched the strong man in front of him trying to deal with a broken heart, he wondered what it would be like to feel an emotion that strong. Feste had never been attracted to any lass during his travels. He could tell that Olivia was beautiful, yet he wasn't attracted to her. He just assumed he wasn't meant to actually feel love.
"What ho, Cap'n?" Feste finally shouted, giving a mock salute. He watched as Antonio kept his head resting on his fist, but a small sad smile slipped across his face.
"Antonio, please. A captain needs a ship and a crew, and as of now I have neither." His voice was quiet and gravely, and he stayed facing the sea. Feste grinned at being able to call him by his name, but he also felt the need to have the man look him in the eye. Ignoring that thought, he spoke again.
"Yet isn't the body a vessel in this sea of life?" Feste couldn't help but challenge the captain. No, he corrected himself, Antonio. He watched the depressed man lower his hands and turn himself to face the fool. Slowly, he raised his face so that their eyes met and held in a slight challenge.
"But would that not make us all captains, and therefore equals, and as such we should refer to each other by our given names?" Antonio's eyes were still filled with sadness but he smirked and challenged Feste. Feste gave a short laugh and nodded his head, he conceded the point; the captain had surprised him again!
"And since we are to use our given names, I know not yours. Some call you fool, others the clown, yet I know these are not true and they are also not your name? What shall I call you?" Antonio's head tilted to one side to convey his question. Feste was about to answer, but he was distracted when the captain ran a hand through his short cropped hair; there was just a natural grace and poise in that motion. For a moment, he lost all ability to confuse and challenge.
"Feste." He seemed to come to himself in that moment. "At least that was the name my mother shouted when I had gotten into mischief." Antonio's eyes seemed to clear of the lingering sadness for a moment and just sparkled.
"So Antonio," the name rolled smoothly off his tongue, "What does a penniless, one-time captain and pirate, come to a lonely cliff for?" The captain's face darkened, and Feste could have kicked himself. Antonio turned so he was once again facing the crashing sea below the cliff. This time he held his head with both hands and stared out into the open water.
"I come to do what I have become so good at, brooding." He gave a small ironic smile that was gone in seconds. Something in Feste's chest felt heavy suddenly. "But how is that you have come to know that I am penniless?" Feste realized he had been caught, but he decided to just keep going with this conversation. He didn't want to leave.
"I found a purse as I was leaving the Lady's home, and I knew it was not Toby, Malvolio, or Andrew's. That only left one other person, one who had been entreating another person for it much earlier." Feste watched but there was only a slight indication of recognition. "I decided I would keep it until you asked for it!" Feste was hoping his cheekiness would elicit a response from the captain.
"I have no use of it, nor do I want it." Antonio's voice was weary and light, barley audible above the din of the waves. "So what business brings you to this cliff, it cannot be to return my unwanted purse to me?" Antonio inquired but did not turn to look at the fool.
"I heard there was to be some particularly impressive brooding up here, and I decided to see it for myself. So brood away and let me watch in awe." Feste hoped this might induce a response where his last try had not. Instead Antonio only nodded and continued to stare out at the sea. Feste decided to see which of them could last longer: could Antonio continue brooding without talking or could he, Feste, watch without interrupting? He settled himself on a large rock and watched the ex- captain stare at a world he no longer considered himself a part of.
From his vantage on the rock the fool took in Antonio's appearance. His close cropped hair was still long enough to sway about in the breeze, yet short enough it did not get in the seaman's eyes. The eyes were the color of the stormy sea that had brought the twins to this strange land. They were filled with so much sadness that Feste felt like he could feel the pain, too. The man's clothes were well-worn, but not old or shabby. True to his word, he continued to sit on the rock, silently staring out to the sea.
"Have you gotten your fill of me yet? You watched me throughout that whole debacle early, was that not enough?" Antonio asked suddenly when he realized the other man was not so willing to leave him alone. Feste grinned, he had won another game. Slowly, though, the words registered in his mind and they were not what he had been expecting at all.
"What do you mean? I was watching the whole mad house." He tried to evade the question, his pawns were not supposed to watch him, that was against the rules.
"No your eyes were not focused on the others but I and…" his voiced stopped and he didn't bother to finish the sentence he had started.
"This time I was watching not staring, I was watching the brood." Feste replied, deciding to change the topic a little. Antonio shook his head at this. Slowly he unfolded himself and stood from his position on the cliff. He turned and started to walk towards the fool and then beyond.
"Find some other 'brood' to watch, I cannot brood with a voyeur." Antonio was starting down the path and away from Feste. The fool felt he had to do something, anything, it couldn't be over.
"Where do you wander to, Antonio, ex-captain?" His voice was loud, but the words had burst forth without his approval. Antonio stopped but did not turn around.
"I do not know, anywhere to get away from this madhouse and the memories here." His shoulders shrugged as he spoke. An idea formed in Feste's head and before he could really stop and think about it, his mouth was again moving.
"Can you sing a harmony, or a melody?" The captain finally turned around, his confused, blue eyes met desperate green ones.
"A little, but what has that got to do with anything?"
Feste couldn't help the smile that took over his face. He walked forward, grabbed Antonio's hand and started pulling him towards town.
"Come, we have to get you some essentials and then we're off." Still confused, Antonio dug his heels into the ground, pulling them to a stop. Using their still linked hands, he turned to Feste so that blue again met green.
"Explain yourself, fool." He commanded in a voice of a man used to giving orders.
"I thought I was an equal and therefore Feste not 'fool.'" Feste quirked an eyebrow at the captain, daring him to retract his earlier words, but all he received was a rolling of the captain's eyes. With an exaggerated sigh Feste continued, "You're coming with me, of course. Some songs need two voices and I can't very well do that myself!" Feste spoke as if her were explaining a basic idea to a slow child.
"But you don't even know if I can really sing." Antonio tried weakly.
"It doesn't matter that can be taught a little, but you have wit, which is more than most people have. Come on, we need to hurry before it gets too dark!" Feste could feel the excitement building within; he had not traveled with anyone since he had learned from another jester. He didn't know what it was but he did not want to leave the captain. He wanted to know more about this man, Antonio. Feste started walking again down the path and this time Antonio didn't fight, he just let Feste pull him towards the town below.
Into the valley so shady.
He whistled and he sang 'til the green woods rang
And he won the heart of a lady.
"Enough! I think I have this song down now, you've only sung it 20 times already." Antonio cut into Feste's singing as they continued walking. They had gotten Antonio into a traveling cloak, some sturdy climbing boots, and rations for both of them. It had been a very busy day already, with the drama that had unfolded, and night was fast approaching. Feste had been trying to teach Antonio as they walked.
"Actually it's been 23 and one verse now, and apparently you have not learned it, so I shall keep singing until you do!" Feste stated as he trained his eyes to their surroundings. He did not want to tell Antonio what he wanted him to do; he wanted the man to figure it out. The captain however seemed at a loss; he paused his step and just stared at the fool as he started to continue singing.
Antonio watched the fool as he continued on his way down a path that only he could see. The man was actually very attractive when Antonio stopped to consider him, when he stopped and thought of the man as just that and not 'the fool.' He was young, maybe even younger than Antonio's own 25 years. His hair was a chestnut brown and hung loosely to his shoulders. But it was his green eyes, the ones that seemed to flash as he was about to start trouble. Or his easy smile that seemed to make those around him reciprocate. And Antonio could not over look his kindness, of dragging the moping and lost man into his life, if for nothing more than a few days.
Just as suddenly as these thoughts came to him Antonio banished them, Feste had only been nice to him, there was nothing more. He should not make something where there was obviously nothing. There had been nothing with Sebastian and he was not keen to repeat that mistake. It still hurt to think of the man.
Ah-dee-doo-ah-dee-doo-dah-day
Ah-dee-doo-ah-dee-day-dee
He whistled and he sang 'til the green woods rang
And he won the heart of a lady
The song continued and Antonio felt his nerves grating. What did the fool want him to do? He knew the song, all the verses and the chorus. He could sing them in his sleep if he wanted, which he knew he did not. Then it dawned on him: he had not joined in and sung it aloud. Smiling a small, but genuine smile, Antonio ran and caught up with the other man. As he reached the clowns side he added his voice to the chorus. The other man's smile grew and his eyes sparkled. Their voices fit very well together as Antonio took over the melody and Feste with began to sing the harmony.
Feste couldn't help as the smile stayed on his face. Not only had Antonio figured out what he wanted, but the Captain had a very smooth voice. It needed a little bit of work, but Feste knew that in no time it would be perfect. It may have been a whim to make the other man join him, but it could turn out to be a very good arrangement for both of them.
Antonio was amazed at how well their voices worked. He knew his was nowhere near as pleasing as the fools, but he felt it was enough for the other man. He'd been a little nervous when he heard the other voice switch to the harmony, but after a moment he realized it was still there to support him. Even he with his little musical experience, had to admit the fool had a very sweet voice, and that it really should be he, Antonio, singing the harmony.
At last he came to a mansion fine
Down by the river glady.
And there was music and there was wine
For the gypsy and his lady.
When the song ended Feste relented and did not continue to sing the 'Gypsy Rover.' Instead he took a quick right and was suddenly off the faint path they had been traveling. Antonio was surprised but followed wordlessly; he figured the better-traveled man knew what he was doing. Indeed, just off the path was a small clearing with enough space for a small fire and two travelers. Antonio gave a sigh of relief; he was used to traveling great distances, but over water and in a vessel. His feet hurt and the pack was starting to bother his shoulder.
Feste set about getting the site ready; he figured the other man would need a moment to just relax. He traveled a lot more than most men, and he had not taken it easy on the other man, there was no closer clearing that would have been suitable, and the darkness was already falling around them. Antonio watched as Feste gathered some timber and built a small pile of branches. Feste was surprised when he saw a hand adding logs to his pile, but he gave a grateful smile to the other man. Antonio only nodded and went out for some more. While he was collecting, Feste built the pit and lit a fire. When he sat back to observe his work, he saw that Antonio had already gotten out the food and began to lay out his cloak for his bed.
Together they sat near the fire as the darkness fell completely and the heat of the day started to disperse. They passed a peaceful meal with Feste's smooth voice recanting one of his previous travels down the path they were one. Antonio listened and allowed himself to relax. He could still feel the pain and betrayal from earlier, but it wasn't as bad. He knew that if he had stayed at that cliff he might have done something drastic. In a way the fool had already saved him: Antonio had wanted to not feel alone, and for the moment with the smooth voice calming him, he wasn't.
Feste talked mostly to keep the dreaded silence at bay. After he finished his story and his food he reached for his guitar. He just slowly began to strum the now cold strings. After a few moments he just let his hands wander and play whatever they felt as he hummed along. Antonio watched, but Feste could see his blinks slowing and gradually getting longer. As tempted as Feste was to see if the captain would fall asleep right there, he knew that would not be the nice thing to do. The other man had had a hard enough day without waking the next morning embarrassed and with a very stiff neck.
Feste slowed his fingers to a stop and stood. Resting his guitar against a tree, he walked so he was on the far side of the fire from Antonio, spread out his cloak, and gracefully sat upon it. Antonio took his cue and did the same thing on his side. Feste rolled several times trying to find a comfortable position on the ground. He was sure that as soon as the other man lay down he would be asleep.
"Good night," came a quiet voice from the far side of the dying fire. Feste was surprised again, but quietly repeated the phrase. Several long moments passed and then the voice came again.
"Why did you take me with you?" Antonio had his eyes open; staring up at the few stars he could see through the hole in the canopy. He knew he should be sleeping but for some reason he couldn't stop himself. The fool paused and pondered the question before he spoke.
"I'm not really sure. I just followed my heart, but I think it's because I understand a little. I know what it is like to not have anywhere else to go, nor anyone else there for you." His voice was strangely melancholy, and Antonio was surprised at the frankness of his reply; he had been expecting a puzzle or a riddle, not an answer. "Besides you intrigued me!" That was more the type of answer he was expecting. Antonio let the two different answers roll around in his head for several minutes before he closed his eyes to try to sleep. He was just about to when he heard the voice from the other side of the fire speak.
"Why did you kiss him?" It was spoken tentatively. Again, Antonio was a little surprised. He knew he could pretend to be asleep, but after the fool's honesty, he felt the need to reciprocate.
"I thought I heard someone else in the woods." Feste smiled on his side of the fire, he was worried the other man was asleep or would be offended by the question. But it was something that would not leave his mind. He did not know why, but he needed to understand what he had seen.
"It's really very simple, and very stupid on my part. I loved him." Antonio sighed, but strangely he realized that had not been as hard to say as he thought it would.
"You said loved; that's past tense." Feste pointed out even more quietly. Antonio lay there and pondered what that meant as he slowly drifted off to sleep. On the other side of the fire, Feste pondered why he felt better that the captain had used the past tense. Sleep was much slower in coming to him as his brain refused to turn off.
Wedding bells on a winter's morn
Carve my name on a moss covered stone
Moss covered stone.
Feste and Antonio held out the last note and ended together with a practiced easy. Feste slung the guitar over his shoulder and out of the way, while Antonio went forward and accepted the few coins they had earned. Feste grinned to himself, they had gathered a decent-sized group by the time they had finished that last song.
He and Antonio argued and entertained a few more people as the crowd dispersed. In a few more minutes, it was only the two of them left standing in the middle of the square as life returned to how it had been before the two jesters, or--as they had just proved--minstrels, had appeared.
"What say you that we end for the day and retire to our camp?" Feste asked as he gathered his pack and readjusted the guitar hanging across his back. Antonio followed suit, only without a guitar.
"I thought you would never ask." Antonio replied, with a sigh of relief. They had been traveling for most of the day, but had decided to take advantage of the remaining daylight and earn a few coins for their purse. Together they turned and headed for the woods that lay just outside of the town's walls. They had the money to stay at an inn if they had wanted to, but that was a frivolous thing when the weather was fair.
Antonio reflected on the past several weeks as they walked together in companionable silence towards the woods. There was a lot of walking involved with wandering from town to town. But the hours of travel had been filled with learning songs and other tricks of the trade, he was surprised how much there was to know. Feste never ceased to amaze him; the man knew so many things but always pretended to be the fool. They passed many hours around the fires bantering insignificant points. Feste almost always won, but Antonio knew he was getting better. He was also started to learn about the man underneath the jester.
With all his musings Antonio ran into the other man when Feste stopped in a nice clearing. Antonio smiled ruefully and began to unpack the camp. Feste shook his head and wondered what the captain had been thinking about. It was none of his business, of course. He sighed, laid his guitar down, and set about starting the fire as he hummed to himself.
"What song is that?" Antonio asked, gathering kindling for the fire. He had learned many songs but it seemed the fool always had another one ready.
"Why it is the song of Antonio the sea captain. I'm still working on it!" Feste threw him a teasing smile and turned back to the small fire. Antonio shook his head, realizing that the other man had just been making up a tune. It had thrown him for a loop the first time and he had not realized what the jester meant.
"I could have sworn it had a different tune yesterday and the day before that."
"Are you deaf? It is the 'Ballad of Antonio the Sea Captain,' can't you tell?" The fire was now a decent blaze to cook on and Feste reached to where he knew Antonio would have laid the supplies.
"Ahh of course, now I can tell, how silly of me." Antonio humored him and sat on his bedding as the smells of dinner reminded him how hungry he was.
The night drew in upon them. The dinner was filled with light banter and fanciful stories. After cleaning the camp, Feste resumed the guitar lessons that had started the night before, and Antonio practiced until his fingers hurt. Feste again placed his guitar in a safe spot in the camp and lay down in his bedding as Antonio did the same.
"Goodnight." Antonio said, glancing over to where Feste had settled. They were no longer on opposite sides of the fire but there was still about two arm's lengths between the two beddings.
"Goodnight." Feste replied. However as he rolled over to sleep his mind would not turn off. A question that had been bothering him since their first night refused to be quieted in his mind.
"Antonio." Feste finally asked quietly, he was half hoping the other man was already asleep.
"Hmm?"
"Why did you love him?" Feste finally asked, hesitantly. The former captain had been in such high spirits lately he did not want to remind him, but Feste knew that the questions would not leave him until he had an answer. He didn't know why this bothered him so much, but it did.
After a long pause there came a halting reply. "I'm not really sure. I guess I was tired of being alone, and we just got along so well." There was another pause and Feste almost thought that was all there was to the answer. "He also had a good heart, and cared deeply for other people, like his sister. But does one ever know why he loves another?" The last part came out like a sigh. Feste found that he wasn't sure if that was the answer he had been hoping for or not. He started to contemplate it when a voice interrupted him.
"Why were you alone? Why wasn't there someone with you before?" The questioned surprised the fool and he wasn't sure how to answer.
"The man I learned from died many years ago now, and since his death I have just wandered. It is usually hard to earn enough to support two people." He stopped and thought a little more. "I guess I am just meant to observe the world around me rather than participate in it." Antonio rolled on his side to observe the other man in the weak glow of the dying fire. Feste's face was troubled as he looked deep in thought. His words hung in Antonio's ears, haunting him. Did Feste really feel so left out? Antonio watched the other man slowly sink into sleep. It was a while before Antonio could do the same.
Humming to himself and dancing a little as he walked Antonio enjoyed the warm day. He had just finished entertaining the people of the manor, and was trying to find Feste. He heard the faint strumming of a guitar and a very melodic and familiar voice. He wandered towards it.
The water is wide, I cannot get o'er
Neither have I wings to fly
Give me a boat that can carry two
And both shall row, my love and I
A ship there is and she sails the sea
She's loaded deep as deep can be
But not so deep as the love I'm in
I know not if I sink or swim
Oh love be handsome and love be kind
Gay as a jewel when first it is new
But love grows old and waxes cold
And fades away like the morning dew
Must I go bound while you go free
Must I love a man who doesn't love me
Must I be born with so little art
As to love a man who'll break my heart
When cockle shells turn silver bells
Then will my love come back to me
When roses bloom in winter's gloom
Then will my love return to me
Feste's voice hung in the air for a moment as he strummed the guitar and let them both fade slowly. The audience was slow to wake from their enchantment at Feste's song. Antonio had hidden in the back where Feste would not see him, enjoying Feste's show in anonymity. Feste really was amazing; Antonio hadn't heard Feste perform while he himself stood in the audience since before he joined Feste over a month ago. Feste's voice was so pleasing to the ear and matched perfectly with his guitar. There was so much feeling in it that if Antonio hadn't been living with the man he would have thought the jester was really in love. But during their travels Feste had mentioned nothing about a lass; in fact he had said love was just not meant for him.
The song however was not one he had been taught yet, and Antonio wondered why; it would sound amazing as a duet. But Antonio made himself drop that thought. It was a song meant to be sung by lovers, or by most people's standards, a man and woman. It made Antonio mad to think that for a moment, but his eyes fell on Feste and his anger slipped away. He really was lucky to have this chance to learn and travel with the other man.
"That was superb! I do believe you sing better here than you do when you teach me." Antonio exclaimed as he moved and threw an arm around the slightly shorter man's shoulders. Feste grinned at him and shook the purse and it had expanded a lot since Antonio had left that morning.
"Ah you see, they pay me to sound good!" Feste teased, and Antonio chuckled leaving his arm around Feste as they turned together to head towards where they would set up their camp.
"How did it go playing for the bored mansion dwellers?" Feste inquired, tilting his head to look at Antonio. He felt color rise subtly to his cheeks as he realized just how close Antonio's face was. Feste had been finding himself thinking more about the sea captain he had adopted, and there were times when the other man made him feel funny. He was starting to think he knew what that meant, but it confused him and he didn't want to assume. He didn't want to see Antonio like he had been on the cliff that day.
"Well you know the rich, they love to show how much smarter than us mere mortals they are. But at least they were generous." He held out his far hand with coins. Feste nodded and held open the purse for Antonio. Between his previous experience and Antonio's fast learning and natural talent, they were doing very well. In the back of his mind, Feste tried not to listen too closely to the voice telling him that it meant the other man could stay and travel with him.
They hiked to the clearing that Feste knew would be perfect for their camp and set into their routine. After the fire was going, food cooking and bedrolls laid out, they finally allowed themselves the moment to relax and rest. A little ways off they could hear a small stream that lead into the small lake. This time though it was Antonio who started humming as he pulled his boots off and rubbed his feet.
"And what tune is that? I do not think I am familiar with it." Feste teased gently as he stirred dinner and added another stick to the fire.
"Why it's the 'Ballad of the Man who was once a Sea Captain', couldn't you tell?" Antonio teased. He lay on his stomach and watched Feste cook. The jester laughed as the pun but kept his eye on his work. The man was graceful without trying, his movements enchanted Antonio. As Antonio watched he knew that there wasn't much he could do, he already cared deeply for the other man, maybe even loved him. He had spent more time with Feste than he had with Sebastian, and Feste seemed understand him. He sighed and rolled onto his back to look up through the foliage, and contemplate his apparent life of solitude, he couldn't read Feste, but he doubted there was a chance for them like he wanted.
Feste glanced over as he heard Antonio sigh. He was startled by how striking Antonio was, laying on his back in the fading daylight, staring morosely at the canopy above him. His blonde hair caught the light of the sunset, creating a halo about his head. Feste took a moment and just watched the sight before him. He wondered what the other man was thinking; he was never really sure. He'd like to think that Antonio was enjoying this as much as he was, but he wasn't sure. He was glad things had worked out so well; he hadn't known how they would get along when he had first dragged Antonio with him. But Antonio was the only person he had met in a long time who could keep up with him in wits, and wanted to learn from him, but could also pass time in silence just as comfortable. Feste didn't know what that all meant, but he knew he wanted Antonio to stay around.
Slowly Feste dragged himself away from his musings to stir dinner once more and ladle it into their bowls, then break a loaf of bread, giving the larger half to Antonio's bowl. Antonio sat up and held the bowls while Feste sat down on his own cloak. The bedrolls were now right next to each other. Quietly they began to eat the dinner, each lost in his own thoughts, glancing furtively at the other.
Night fell quickly and soon the only light was from the campfire. Feste had not been in the mood for the close contact of teaching Antonio that night; there was always that ache in his chest that came from working closely with him. It wasn't horrible; it just felt like there was something missing. So he had decided to practice some of his more obscure songs, some of the older traditional songs and ones in other languages. It took most of his concentration, so he ceased to be aware of the dark.
Antonio watched in awe. He had never known someone with so much knowledge. As Feste sang quietly in the clearing, he was beautiful. His hair shone in the firelight, and his eyes were closed in concentration. The words of the song made no sense to Antonio, but from Feste's, voice he could tell what the songs were. There were some that were obviously drinking songs, some that were working songs, and some that were obviously love songs. It was the love songs that really were enthralling. Feste's voice sounded as if he were the one that was really in love. It made Antonio wonder if he had missed something with Feste.
As the night grew darker and later Antonio realized that Feste was off in his own world. He had seen it before and knew the Feste had no idea how much time had passed. As Feste ended a song Antonio reached over gently and grasped Feste's shoulder. The jester jumped slightly, proving just how much in his own world he had been.
"I always get lost when I start playing those songs." Feste smiled ruefully and carefully laid his guitar next to a tree. Antonio nodded his understanding and laid out his cloak. Feste followed suite and laid his right next to Antonio's. It was funny that as they had gotten to know each other, and gotten closer, so had their cloaks at night. They settled in for the night, saying their good nights. However, neither could find sleep.
"Why do you sing of love?" Antonio asked before he could keep his mouth shut. Feste had said before that he was not meant to participate in the world around him, merely observe and interact occasionally. It was something Antonio couldn't understand, especially when Feste could sing those love songs like he was singing for a lover. Antonio made sure he didn't give in to his urge to look at Feste as he answered; instead he kept his eyes focused on the bit of sky he could see above him.
"I don't really know. They are some of the most beautiful melodies, and people deserve to hear them. They make people feel not so alone. If they have had a bad experience with love, they know other people have too. But I think it is the hope that they will one day feel that perfect match that is in the songs, that's what makes the songs beautiful." Feste answered in the frankness he only used as they were falling asleep. "At least that's what I feel when I hear them, that maybe someday it will be my turn." The last part was spoken so quietly that Antonio almost couldn't hear it. The silence grew and Antonio was just about to actually fall asleep when he heard Feste's voice again.
"What did it feel like?" His voice was more cautious than Antonio had ever heard him. It was completely different from the snarky, and confident tone he used when he was outwitting everyone.
Feste felt his heart beat increasing and his breath quickening as his nervousness fought to overcome his calm demeanor. He closed his eyes so he would not have to see Antonio's face. However, closing his eyes brought to his mind flashes of dreams he had had recently, and the thought of those was almost enough to make him blush.
"What did what feel like?" Antonio thought he knew but he wanted to make sure he knew what the question was before he answered.
"What did the kiss feel like?" Again, that voice was entirely different from the one he was used to hearing from the ever happy jester. It made him wonder why Feste would be so hesitant with his question. He glanced over at the other man to gauge the situation, but he found that Feste was facing the sky and his eyes were closed. It was as if he were hiding from the question he had asked.
"It was like kissing a girl, only different." He watched as Feste opened his eyes only to roll them at the answer. There appeared to be a little bit of color in his cheeks, but it was hard to tell by only the campfire light.
"That is an oh-so-helpful answer." Feste teased, sounding more like his usual self, but the hint of color was still present in his cheeks. Antonio smirked and rolled onto his side and propped himself up with his arm so he was looking down on Feste.
"I forgot, you haven't done that either." He made sure his voice was light so Feste would understand the gentle teasing for what it was. He didn't see Feste move until it was too late. Feste knocked his supporting arm and Antonio came crashing down so he was partially sprawled across Feste. Carefully, he levered himself back up, but this time his support arm was on the far side of Feste so he was leaning over the other man.
"If you don't want to answer just say so." Feste tried to look annoyed but from as close as Antonio was it didn't really work. Instead he thought the blush on Feste's cheeks was worse. He decided to press his luck a little and remained, crowding Feste's space.
"It really depends on who you kiss and how you feel." Antonio gave a sigh, trying to remember how and what he had felt when he had kissed Sebastian. But the voice in his head reminded him it hadn't been very good, and it had been mostly one sided. "It's warm and completely unique every time, there are no two kisses exactly the same. It's this one moment where there are just the two of you, and everything else ceases to exist. You feel warmth inside that is strange and wonderful." He paused and glanced down at the other man, and was surprised to see what looked like longing and a little fear on the other man's face. Feste was glancing off a little to the side of Antonio, carefully not meeting his eyes.
Antonio felt in his chest the warmth that always came when he looked or thought about Feste. This time, though, he really wanted to just lean down and claim those lips and the look on Feste's face was not helping his resolve not to do anything. Before he could stop it, he spoke.
"I could show you?" His voice was shaky, and he was more nervous than he had ever been in his life. But he made himself keep eye contact as Feste's startled eyes met his, and then shyly looked away. If Antonio weren't paying attention he would have missed the very soft answer. Deep inside, Feste knew that he had nothing to be afraid of, there was no way Antonio would ever willfully hurt him.
"Okay." Feste whispered. He was more afraid and nervous than he had ever been. His heart was humming in his chest and his stomach was doing somersaults. The press of the captain's body against his was making Feste feel very warm, and he was having difficulty focusing.
Antonio couldn't help the slow smile that started on his face as he watched the other man for a moment. Then he carefully reached his free hand up and cupped Feste's face, angling it so their eyes met one more time. He could see the apprehension and nervousness on the usually calm jester's face. He used his thumb to gently stroke the jaw line beneath his hand for a moment before he leaned in the rest of the way.
The lips he found were warm and softer than he was expecting. Feste's lips parted in surprise, unwittingly giving Antonio more access. Antonio figured he was going to enjoy this as much as he could since most likely afterwards Feste would never want to see him again. He was amazed at the sweet taste that could only be Feste. Just as he was about to pull back and concede defeat he felt hands on his back pulling him forward and holding him close. Shyly Feste began to reciprocate, and Antonio couldn't help the smile on his lips as he continued to kiss Feste. Only when the need for air was pressing did he pull back. But between the hands on his shoulder and in his hair and his own unwillingness he didn't make it more than a couple inches, just enough he could see Feste's face clearly.
Feste was blushing even more than before, his lips looked a little bruised, and he still looked a little shy, but there was no sign of regret or revulsion like Antonio had been expecting. Slowly, Feste raised his eyes so that the green met blue, and a slow but brilliant smile crossed onto his face. In that moment, Feste was more amazing than Antonio had ever seen him.
Feste was finally able to admit what he had been hiding from himself, the words were echoing through his head as he looked into Antonio's eyes: he loved Antonio. Feste was no longer meant to just observe, he finally felt, he was finally part of the world around him. Yet, at the moment all he cared about was the man leaning over him, and the warm feeling that had taken up residence in his chest.
"So what did you think?" Antonio asked carefully, still maintaining the eye contact. If anything the smile only got brighter.
"I think I'll have to try it at least another time before I can be sure." Feste answered his usual teasing tone back; Antonio smiled back.
"I think I can help you decide then," he teased as he leaned in again, and was met halfway.
A little while later they finally broke apart again, this time patting and both of them flushed.
"Does this mean you would stay with me if I asked?" Antonio whispered.
"No, of course not." Feste answered flippantly, but without pause continued, "I was going to ask you to stay with me, seeing as you make a better jester than I ever would a sailor. I have no sea legs and am sick for the entire time I am on a boat!" Antonio laughed.
"I didn't mean on a ship, fool, I just meant together."
"You still haven't answered me," Feste teased as his fingers played with Antonio's golden hair.
"Of course I'll stay; I have nothing else in the world." And so saying he leaned back down to enjoy the man he had tried so hard not to fall for. Feste smiled into the kiss, he always won the games he played, even if he broke his own rules.
THE END
Please leave a comment, even if it is just to say you read it. I know I really didn't keep the characters cannon, but these ones really spoke to me. I hope you enjoyed this, because I did! IADM