Sorry for the delay in between updates, but I'm back writing now so they should be coming a little quicker :)
Ziva pushed open the door to the stairwell and looked down to where Tony, a flight below, was huddled up in a ball. She watched as he rocked himself backwards and forwards, his head hidden as he bowed his head; faint sobs bouncing off the walls around them.
"Tony?"
Ziva moved down the first couple of steps before sitting down somewhere in the middle of the staircase, Tony at the foot.
"Gibbs is alright now." Ziva spoke out,
"Its not Gibbs I'm worried about," Tony said sharply raising his head, "Its me."
Ziva looked at him with a sideways glance.
"Well I mean I am worried about Gibbs, of course I am, but did you see what I just did?"
"What? Pushing that nurse against the wall?"
"Yes. I should never have done that."
"If you hadn't, Gibbs wouldn't be through there alive now."
"But…there must have been another way to do it…I should have talked to them…anything but…"
"Sometimes you have to use force," Ziva replied quietly, "if it's the only thing that will make people listen."
"Yes but not like that…it never helps in the end…some people just can't take it…a person can be only be pushed so far…"
"Why do I get the impression that you aren't talking about tonight," Ziva asked curious. Tony remained silent.
"Tell me, maybe I can help."
"Its far in the past, Ziva. It doesn't matter anymore."
"Obviously, it does."
"Its just something from my childhood, I did some stuff I'm not proud off…and a kid ended up hurt…badly."
"What happened?"
Tony looked up at Ziva, looking at her as if searching for something. "Ok," he said finally. "It was a boy in my class; Reggie. He committed suicide when I was 14."
"Did you ever found out why?"
"We were told that he was having major problems at home, it turns out his mother was an alcoholic and beat his father. His father was too embarrassed to speak out and didn't know that she was also taking it out on Reggie."
"How is any of this your fault, Tony?"
Tony looked down at the floor, "because I made his life a living hell! Maybe if I'd just stopped, just once, to ask if he was ok, maybe…"
"Its not your fault, Tony. That kid didn't kill himself because of you."
"How do you know that? I did some terrible things to him."
"You'll never know, and it probably didn't help, but did the things you did outweigh beating from a drunken mother?"
"Maybe…"
"Tony, you know that not true."
"Maybe, but I still shouldn't have done those things."
"Everybody has regrets, Tony. We just have to learn from them."
"What have you done that you regret, Ziva," Tony's voice was filled with curiosity now, but the hurt was still etched on his face. "I mean there must have been times, with the Mossad."
"There is plenty I regret, Tony, but I don't know if I can talk about it."
Tony managed a laugh, "Ziva, you are seeing me a total wreck. This is me; open as a book. I've showed you everything."
Ziva hesitated, "Tony, I have done things that you couldn't even imagine."
"Try me, I have a big imagination."
Ziva got up and walked the rest of the stairs; sitting down on the floor next to Tony. "My father sent me on a lot of missions during my time with Mossad, ones that you have to understand, I had to protect myself in."
Tony nodded, his eyes listening intently to ever word that left Ziva's lips.
Encouraged, Ziva carried on, "There was this one time…where my father sent me to interrogate a family; the husband was supposed to have been involved with something or other, I forget, but the point is, they sent me and one other; a man named Malik. Malik is notorious for using anything possible to get information; correct or not."
Tony kept silent, allowing Ziva to continue, her eyes zoning out as she recounted.
"Anyway, Malik and myself went into the house where they were being held and asked to be left alone with them; there was the husband, his wife, and their two children. Their daughter was barely two; the other was a nine-year-old boy. The husband was denying all involvement, which we believed was a lie. We questioned them for an hour but still they denied everything. I remember that Malik handed me this metallic tool, with a sort of barbed bit at the end. I remember the words he used as he handed it to me, he said 'have fun'." Ziva's eyes teared up and Tony put his hand on hers.
"I couldn't do it. I handed the tool back to him and coolly said, 'I would prefer to see the master at work.'" Ziva voice became unsteady. "I watched as he…he went for the wife first. The children…I can still hear them screaming…the girl kept crying 'mummy, mummy'…the father still denied everything but pleaded with us to stop…we didn't. Malik just laughed…he kept going until the woman was unconscious, and then went for the children…he…there was blood everywhere…but the man still kept denying…in the end Malik beat the man to his death…we couldn't leave any evidence…we buried the family just outside the village; unmarked." Ziva hung her head and started to sob.
"Ziva…" Tony began, tears filling his own eyes,
"We found out two weeks later that we had made a mistake. The man had nothing to do with what we suspected him in…"
"Ziva it wasn't your fault…"
"I could have done something, I could have stopped him…"
"He wouldn't have let you stop him, you know that…"
"But I could have done something…"
Tony raised his arm and wrapped it around Ziva, pulling her closer. "Ziva, you can't blame yourself, it wasn't you who tortured those people,"
Ziva looked up at Tony, her brown eyes shining, "but if I had of accepted that thing from Malik and used it myself, I could have been gentler with them, maybe they would have survived…"
"From what I've heard, this Malik guy was good at his job,"
"The best."
"Then he had no intention of leaving anything behind that could lead back to him. The moment he stepped into that room, they were dead."
"But…"
"No buts, Ziva, it wasn't your fault."
Ziva rested her head on Tony's shoulder and Tony planted a kiss deep into her hair. They sat in silence, each of them comforting the other. Ziva breathed deep into Tony's clothes, enjoying every bit of his delicious scent; it made her want to rip his clothes off right there. Somehow she refrained and instead enjoyed the heat emanating from his body, warm and soothing. She traced her fingers up and down his leg, drawing circles as she brushed the dark material that clung to his thighs. Tony smiled as he felt his spine straighten under her touch. Her hair felt soft under his mouth, the loose curls like velvet along his jaw line.
Sometime later, Ziva slowly pulled away from Tony; her eyes free from tears. She stood up and extended a hand towards Tony. Tony took hold and together he rose to stand beside Ziva. He swept her hair from her face and tucked it neatly behind her ear. His eyes twinkled as she smiled at him and he leant in for a kiss. Ziva ducked back, her hands spreading out over his chest. She smiled, teasing him,
"First, you have to do something for me."