Disclaimer: Please remember that this is labeled parody for a reason. Know that I do not necessarily share the views of the characters, and I swear I have never said "lolz" in my entire life.
Glad that's cleared up. And also, don't come bitching to me like "OMG LYKE YOUR MAKING FUN OF MY FAVORITE SHIP", for I will ignore you. I'm making fun of my favorite ships, too. It's called humor, darlings.
And be wary—here lie DH spoilers.
Committing Sue-icide: Like OMG, It's Teh Marauders."I'm perfect!" declared Sirius Black, gazing adoringly at himself him a mirror.
"Oh my Merlin, yes you are," said Lily Evans's Best Friend, Melissa Witch, who was like totally going out with that sexy Sirius Black, and other the other girls LIKE HATED HER OMG except for Lily because she was secretly in love with James Potter, and Tori, cause she was secretly in love with Remus Lupin, that sexy beast. Literally.
Melissa was the prettiest girl in the Common Room except for Lily and Tori. She had long black hair down her back, and um… yeah. And blue eyes JUST LIKE HER BOYFRIEND SIRIUS THAT HUNK THEIR BABIES WOULD BE SO PURTY. Wait. Are Sirius's eyes gray or blue? This is just like how no one knows about Draco's eyes, either. MAYBE THEY'RE RELATED!
Lily had long red hair, and liked to pretend she didn't like James Potter, even though besides Tori and Melissa he was her best friend since First Year.
Tori was pining for Remus, that gorgeous man. Who cared that he was a werewolf? It was kinky.
Remus, however, had eyes only for Sirius. Cause, ya know, he was gay. Obviously. Everyone knows that the bookish guys are secretly homosexual. Especially the werewolf, bookish guys. That makes them oober gay.
"So," said James. "Lily, will you go out with me?"
"No," said Lily.
Lupin marked a number on his diary- that was the 345678987657434567875434567th time Lily had turned down James.
"Aw," said James. He began to cry [Authers note: omg, poor james, lily that hor, I would d8 james, can I have a 3way with him and hiz sun? lolz!!11!!!1one!!1!
"Fine," said Lily.
"Really?" asked James.
"No."
"So, Sirius," said Sirius, "which girl are you dating tonight?"
"Why are you talking to yourself?" asked Melissa. "And I thought you were dating me."
"Well, I am," said Sirius. "But I'm also dating Wanda, Harriet, Emma, Rochelle, Eve, Isabelle, Sam, Patty, Evelyn, Teri, Erika, and Rachel."
"OMG!" said Melissa. "The color of your heart (I'm serious): black."
"You said Sirius Black!" chortled James.
Everyone laughed loudly.
"THAT IS SUCH A DUMB JOKE," sneered an ugly person from across the room.
"Snape!" cried James, and he and Sirius leapt to their feet.
"How the hell did he get in the Gryffindor common room?" asked Remus sensibly, but no one pays attention to the gays.
"I KEEL YOU, BASTARD!" shrieked Sirius. "Abra Cadabra!"
Nothing happened.
"Wow, I'm so impressed by your knowledge. Obviously seven years in a wizarding school has done you much good," sneered Snape.
"Is that grammatically correct?" wondered Tori.
"Who cares?" sneered Snape, and Apparated away.
"I wonder where he went," pondered James.
"Yeah, too bad you can't Apparate in the school," Remus said.
"What are you, Hermione Granger?" scorned Sirius.
"Who?" asked Lily, Tori, James, Melissa, and Remus.
"Um, no one," Sirius lied, forgetting he didn't tell them that Hermione had visited him via Time Turner in the middle of her third year and that he had screwed her like, six times in one day.
"Hermione," mused Remus, "That would be as in Queen Hermione, from Shakespeare's A Winter's Tale?"
"Shut up, and ignore the gay half-breed," directed James. "Look at my beautiful face!"
Everyone gazed, transfixed, upon the wonder that was James's head.
"Honestly," said Remus, again channeling Hermione.
"Hey, do you know I have an illegitimate son?" asked Sirius. "His name is Cedric- I shagged this chick who works at the Three Broomsticks, who's married to this Diggory guy, and apparently I've got a kid now."
"I bet he's like totally hawt!" exclaimed Melissa. "Except, like, TOTALLY, wait, why did you shag her if you're dating me?"
"Well," explained Sirius, "I'm just too damn sexy to keep to myself."
"Will someone please explain to me how the readers of the Harry Potter series determined that a gaunt, thin, crazy-haired convict on the run was once a sex bomb?" asked Lupin.
"Durr, didn't you read Snape's Worst Memory?" asked Sirius. "It had this part where this chick across the room was staring lustfully at me. Probably I shagged her after that."
Lupin diverted his eyes. Whenever Sirius talked about sex, his face grew hot and sweaty. He buried his nose in Hogwarts, A History.
Nobody noticed, though, because Sirius and James were busy planning a prank.
"Okay," said James, "I've got it. We fill up water balloons with poo, stick them next to Snivellus's bed in the middle of the night, and then, when he wakes up, he'll step in it!"
Sirius laughed. "And the best part is, he'll never know it's us!"
"Of course not!" agreed James. "It's not like we're the only ones who have a special loathing for him and seize every opportunity to get revenge at him for having the audacity to be friends with the woman who's going to bear my children."
"I think not," said Lily. "But it sounds like a bloody awesome plan, gang! And I'm quite sure that the fact that none of us know the Slytherin common room password won't hinder us in the slightest. And also, it definitely doesn't bother me that you're going to ridicule the guy that was my best friend for about five years!"
"Pshaw, why should it bother you?" said James. "He wanted to get jiggy with you. And that's not cool. At all. Now, let's go make our crap balloons!" He and Lily ran upstairs to the boys' dormitory (Melissa and Tori were mysteriously nowhere to be found).
That left Remus and Sirius alone in the common room. Remus put down the Hogwarts, A History and looked at Sirius.
"Remus," said Sirius in a husky voice, "Despite the fact that you're half-blood, a werewolf, far too bookish for any sane sixteen-year-old boy, and not remarkably good looking, I think I love you."
"Sirius," said Remus in a voice of equal huskiness, "Despite the fact you're from a pureblood, inbred family, extremely conceited, arrogant, shag far too many girls for any sixteen-year-old boy, and probably straight, I think I love you too."
They leaned in and kissed each other.
"And now we just have to sneak into the Slyth—oh," said James, who had come bounding down the stairs, Lily at his heels, holding a bag of something whose smell wafted disgustingly over the common room.
Sirius and Remus broke apart, Remus falling off the couch in the process.
"Wow," said Lily. "Not gonna pretend I didn't see this one coming, since Remus has confided in me about his gayness during our Prefect duties."
Lupin blushed, the many disfiguring scars covering his face that have never been mentioned in canon turning bright red.
"This is awkward," said James amicably.
"ALSO," screamed Lily suddenly, "I FEEL BETRAYED."
Everyone looked at her oddly.
"Remus said during the Prisoner of Azkaban movie that he and I were close friends and I was there for him when no one else was. DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT THAT MEANS WE'RE SCREWING EACH OTHER?"
"Really?" asked Sirius, mildly interested. "Good for you, mate!"
"Bollocks," muttered James sadly.
"So wait," said Remus. "You're shagging me, Snape, and James right now?"
Lily turned to James angrily. "You told your friends we're sleeping together?"
"Well, yeah, how could I not?" asked James. "But man, if I had known what a whore you are, I definitely would have told more people, so they can get some, too."
"Whatever," said Sirius. "Now all of us are in fights except for me and Jamie and him and Remus and me and Lily, right?"
"Mmhmm," said James. "Let's go prank the Slytherins, shall we?"
"All right!" agreed Sirius.
"Ouch!" said Sirius. "You're totally standing on my beautiful toes."
"Sorry, man," muttered James, holding the Marauder's Map at an odd angle so both he and Sirius could see it under the Invisibility Cloak. Not spotting Filch or Mrs. Norris, he approached the Slytherin portrait.
"Mudbloods suck!" he said.
"Correct," said the portrait, not in the least bewildered by the seemingly bodiless voice.
They snuck in, and headed up the stairs to where the boys slept.
"Ooh, look, it's my brother's dormitory, can't we sneak in there and pee on his face?" asked Sirius, but James shook his head no and continued onto Snape's room.
The room was green and black, and every inch of the wall was covered with pictures of the Dark Mark, dead Muggles, and spreads from last month's issue of Pureblood Playboy.
"Ew," said Sirius, who was apparently gay after all.
Suddenly, the light next to Snape's bed clicked on and Snape sat straight up in bed.
"Who's there?" he asked.
"Your mom!" said Sirius, and he and James ran, laughing hysterically, all the way back to Gryffindor Tower.
"That was awesome!" said James.
"Yeah!" said Sirius. "And so am I! Now look, it's the full moon, so let's go party it up!"
Lupin was already in the Shrieking Shack, so once they got outside, they transformed and began to head in.
"Wait," said James in Stag-ish, "How are we going to get past the Whomping Willow? We need someone to press the knot."
"True," said Sirius in Dog-ish, "Too bad we don't have a fat friend that can turn into a rat! I think we might have at one point, but—Nah."
"What about Peter?" asked James.
"Who's Peter?" said Sirius.
James scratched his head. "I dunno."
"Whatever."
So they went into the Willow, and found Werewolf!Lupin inside.
"Phwoar!" said James. "Let's go wreak teenage havoc upon Hogsmeade!"
"Wicked!" said Sirius, so they did. Later that night, James fell asleep and Lupin and Sirius had some crazy-ass canine gay sex.
In the morning, they woke up in human form.
"OMG!" said Sirius. "It's Voldemort!"
"Oh no!" said Lily.
"Let's defy him, like the prophecy said we did!" suggested James.
"Good idea," said Lupin.
"All right," said Sirius. "I have a plan."
"MUAHAHAHAHAHA," said Voldemort. "Yo, sup."
"Are you here to kill us?" asked Lily.
"Sure, why not?" said Voldemort. "I was actually just going in for a bit of tea with old McGonagall, but I have some time before. Is this the part where I Avada Kedavra your ass?"
"NEVER!" cried Sirius, grabbing his three friends and Apparating back to Gryffindor Tower.
"Damn," said Voldemort. "I hope their kid isn't that hard to defeat, or I might have some problems come 1981."