Disclaimer: Characters belong to the Naruto series! This is just a random fanfic. Akatsuki style! XD

Tobi's Buffet

Chapter 1: Akatsuki Dinner

Tobi sat and looked around curiously. The eating room was completely empty in the usually roughed up Akatsuki headquarters.

Poor Tobi, he became very frightened at meal time. An hour before every meal he would get out his wood cleaner and wood polish, the ducky yellow rag and his cleaning apron. He would scrub the black dinning table and chair's until they where glimmering and shiny.

Each time he replaced the table's mats. Red bamboo mats Sunday supper, white mats for Tuesday lunch and an occasional table center piece like nice red flowers to compliment the blood red walls.

One time Tobi tried scrubbing the walls clean, since it was stained in some places, probably from food fights. He scrubbed and got a bad feeling that the red on the walls actually wasn't paint. When he asked the Leader, the leader just gave him shifty eyes and said that it wasn't indeed paint.

Hidan heard tried scaring him by telling him that the red walls is due to when they defeated the enemy and Zetsu would have his great share of meal and he painted the walls in the enemy's blood. But Tobi was uneasy whether to believe this or not.

The room did have a smell, but he usually fixed that by cleaning the floor with lemon bubbly water, making the scarred wooden floors shine.

He was proud of the work in his eating room.

It was completely empty today, since the Akatsuki where all out through the headquarters, not bothering with the eating room until meal time. Two minutes until eating time.

Tobi walked into the kitchen, a door off one wall, also red, and found he was not the only one.

There was Kisame opening the fridge and extracting a raw giant squid, which he plopped on a ruined metal plate. (This also concerned Tobi; they used steel plates instead of real and nice ones)

Kisame turned his eyes to Tobi and grinned. "Tobi." He bellowed. "Mind if I start eating early? Squid's bin calling me all day."

"Yeeeeeaaaaah……….." Squawked Tobi, noticing the squid's legs was hanging off the side, goo trailing on the tiled floor.

Kisame looked at him quizzically. "…"

"Kisame-senpai…." But he faltered, thinking it was useless, his table would just get messy anyways.

"Okay, I'm out." Kisame said, he came to Tobi and ruffled Tobi's hair, chuckling. "Funny kid, aren't you?"

Then he disappeared to the eating room.

Tobi stood there and then decided to follow, not wanting to witness what other messy food was going into the dinning room.

Kisame took his regular seat, the third to the door on the right side. He placed his Samehada behind his chair and then he dug his hands into the squid, trying to break it apart, slime already flying on the table.

"Tobi, remove that apron. It makes you look soft." Mused a voice behind him, Deidara pushed passed him carrying a metal bowl of quick-cook ramen in one hand and a metal bowl of clay in another.

"Deidara-sempai, can you……………" began Tobi.

Deidara just looked at him.

"Can you feed your hands in your room?"

Deidara laughed. "All mouth's get fed at once." And turned to sit on the other side of Kisame.

"Master Kisame," Greeted Deidara, nodding towards Kisame.

Kisame looked up, extracting a small piece of rubbery blubber from the squid and grinned his sharky grin.

Itachi came in next, his sharp red sharingan boring invisible holes of fire, carrying a mysterious bag and a plate of rice. He sat at Kisame's right, two seats from the head of the table, or the Leader's spot.

If only Itachi knew Tobi was an Uchiha as well, but his other identity as Madara Uchiha was sealed away and referred himself as Akatsuki member Tobi for now.

Tobi disappeared into the kitchen really quick, which was currently empty (but not for long!) and returned with a simple apple, clean eating for his table.

He sat on Deidara-sempai's left, munching on the apple and watching as Itachi ripped the white bag open and turned it over the rice. Hundreds of cubes of cheery red jello came crashing down onto the white rice and bouncing onto the glossy black table, leaving marks that would soon enough turn sticky.

Tobi winced under his mask. Then feeling brave he spoke up. "Itachi-sama!" he called.

Itachi closed the latch of the bag and glared at Tobi from across the table. A moment of silence and Tobi decided to speak up. "Um, the jello-" he pointed to the blobs, he was about to say Can you not leave jello all over the table? But by Itachi's deathly glare he said instead, "Why do you eat jello so often?"

Deidara eyed him. The way Tobi said it was like striking up a dinner conversation with Uchiha Itachi. This was forbidden, out of the question weird, and wrong.

After several tense long moments Itachi answered in his flat-toned voice, "It's good for your nails." He help up his hand, with his well healthy purple-painted nails, then continued to pour it all over his rice once again, loosing attention of speaking to Tobi. Tobi looked back at his mat.

The door form the kitchen erupted again and Hidan and Kakuzu came in with a heated discussion, as always. Kakuzu was just saying "-eating REAL food."

"I can eat the hell what I want to eat." Retorted Hidan, they sat down on Kisame and Itachi's side. Hidan next to Kisame, and Kakuzu next to Hidan.

Hidan looked down at Kisame's squid. "What the fuck is that?!" he asked.

Kisame looked at him and answered, "I should be asking you the same thing."

Hidan's plate was the same white rice as Itachi's. Except without jello, it was littered with nails. Kakuzu was eating plain ramen. "See, even Kisame is creeped out by your habits. Waste of money and material." The Akatsuki treasurer (what Kakuzu called himself) went back to eating silently, probably counting his pocket change in his head.

"I can't die. So why the hell shouldn't I eat some damn freakin' nails once in a while?" Hidan growled and picked up a spoonful of the nails and rice.

"Salt? Hidan-sama?" Asked Tobi, plucking salt hidden behind the center piece, extending it toward Hidan.

"See?! Tobi doesn't give a damn about what I fucking eat so neither should you!" Said Hidan, giving a glare at Kakuzu. He turned to Tobi. "I don't what that god damn salt."

Tobi retreated his hand, holding the salt, rather rejected.

"Tobi, leave them alone. They don't need any more antics." Said Deidara, slurping up ramen.

He stopped and put one hand into the clay bowl. The mouth savagely dived, unlike the manor of eating explosive clay, and spluttered bits of clay over the table making Tobi grimace. "Deidara-sempai I just have better table manors than you."

Deidara let his mouths make a mess of the table but shot a threatening look at Tobi. "Dare say that to me again?" Deidara's eye flinched.

Tobi thought Deidara had a pretty blue eye, like a girl's eye. Tobi didn't take Deidara's threat and dared to say, "Women are supposed to have better table manners, Deidara-sempai."

At this Deidara scowled, his face flushing with anger. Tobi was gleefully grinning as Kisame chuckled at them, liking the liveliness of the usually boring dinner time. Deidara lunged and using his clay messy hands he clasped then around Tobi's neck of the robe and began shaking him violently. "Say that again you dobe and…You. Will. Pay!" He pushed Tobi hard.

Tobi flew out of his seat to the floor, his neck feeling sore and now his backside. He squinted and looked up, to see Zetsu looking down at him with a hungry expression. Tobi squealed like a little piggy and raced back into his seat, losing sight of his apple. Kisame, Hidan and Kakuzu however where roaring with laughter, even Zetsu was chuckling and he took his seat on the Leader's left side, next to Deidara.

Tobi snuck a peek at Deidara, who was smirking and Tobi decided to get him back later. Zetsu currently had a giant plate with raw bloody stake, making the metal plate look red.

He looked around and noticed everyone was here. The leader was eating roast duck, accompanied on his right by Blue-chan, who hadn't really been preferred by her real name, but she was really pretty-like Deidara-sempai.

But she seemed closer to the leader, sadly, Tobi like the girl-especially her long shiny blue hair. He wondered how it got so straight and shiny; he would have to ask her some day. She had her own plate of roast duck as well, both of them eating quietly. At least they didn't leave food all over the table!

Feeling like an idiot, Tobi watched helplessly as the Akatsuki devoured their meals, food and such flying across the table. Hidan was swearing at Kakuzu, still on their discussion of nails and rice. Itachi was glaring into space; Kisame was wrestling his squid for a piece, sending shivers down Tobi's spine. Leader and Blue-chan where talking quietly and Deidara was slurping up his meal, spilling by sipping form the bowl without usage of hands, because his mouths where eating clay.

Tobi didn't dare look at Zetsu.

"Damn squid." Muttered Kisame. He looked increasingly frustrated. Slowly he took his sword from the position behind his chair, now Tobi was watching at the edge of his seat. Kisame lifted it up into the air-making Tobi break into a cold sweat; it was like watching a horror movie. The Samehada claiming its squid victim-and his table was in threat to shred.

It was a slow motion moment. The sword came down. Tobi jumped from his seat and screamed, "No Kisame-sama!"

But it was too late the sword came down onto the squid and the squid burst. Guts and goo flew everywhere. Immedietly the room was in chaos from the normally silent dinner.

The tip of the sword left a shred mark in Tobi's black furnished wooden table-he took noticed of it before Hidan tipped his plate of rice and nails and Kakuzu shot up from the table, looking angrily at his ruined half-eaten ramen.

"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR?!" Roared Hidan.

"My meal!" Kakuzu screamed, looking deathly at Kisame.

Itachi said nothing, goo trailing off his sleek black hair, looking gloomy as usual. Deidara's eyes bulged when a squid tentacle was hanging in front of eyes. Leader and Blue-chan just ducked in time, peeking over the table, their roast duck safely in their hands. Tobi was covered in most squid guts and feels the unpleasant cold slimy feeling going down his robes.

Kisame stood there looking aghast. "Oooouuuy." He whistled. "I didn't know Samehada-chan can make squid explode."

"Samehada-chan?" Asked Deidara, picking the tentacle gingerly off his blonde hair.

"Your sword is a girl? Kisame-sama?" Squawked Tobi, forgetting about his beloved table for a brief moment.

Kisame turned a deep blue, most likely blushing. The leader and Blue-chan now stood up; Blue-chan gave uneasy glances toward the leader.

"My. Fucking. God." Muttered Hidan.

Kakuzu's mouth was twitching, trying to stop from laughing. Itachi didn't look surprised at this piece of news, as the other Akatsuki members. Tobi was screeching a little to himself, in a way of laughing. But one glance at his table and he stopped. His poor, poor table.

"Kisame." Said the leader. Kisame looked over sheepishly, his sword still in his hand. "You are excused."

Kisame bowed swiftly and left the room, the leader looked at Tobi. "Tobi, you know your duty here." Tobi nodded glumly. Why couldn't his table stay clean for an hour, at least?

The rest of the Akatsuki was now standing, silent. They glanced nervously at the leader. Tobi wasn't going to start cleaning when everyone was witnessing him. Plus he really had a song stuck in his head. He just wanted to get the mop out and scrub the table, singing his song without shame.

"Well I might as well get cleaned up." Deidara concluded suddenly, he held up his hands, caked in clay. Blue-chan and Leader nodded.

"Me too. Now I got Kisame's shit all over me. Fucking fish headed bastard-" He was mumbling to himself as he left the main doors into the hallway. Kakuzu followed, whimpering with slimy money in his hand.

Zetsu slowly crept out of the room once the two partners disappeared, Itachi following-slightly scowling and adjusting the collar of his robe. Soon enough it was just Tobi, Leader and Blue-chan.

"Leader….sama." Said Tobi. The leaders gray eyes fell onto Tobi, granting permission to speak. "I-I think it would be best if we change meal time."

"Do what you want." Answered the leader. He and Blue-chan set their unfinished roast duck on the table. He turned and was leaving with a flourish, the only female Akatsuki behind him.

Tobi could hear Blue-chan. "Pein, can you believe that-" But her voice was cut off when the doors closed off.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH." Wailed Tobi. He danced nervously around the room. "This will take FOREVER to clean! Have to scrub table, floor, chairs-everything."

He stopped and took in the whole sight of the room. "Zetsu claims I'm a good boy." Mumbled Tobi, scratching his head. "But that's because all the rest are such bad boys."

He picked up his apple from the floor, laying by the kitchen door, smeared in slime. "That's it. I'll clean no more catastrophes! Were changing our eating habits now!"

And Tobi was determined.

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Author's Note: Tobi a good boy! XD

Uh-oh Tobi is determined. I wonder what he's up too…

We'll find out soon when it's chappie two! Stay tuned and leave a review for Tobi's sake. I mean his table got ruined. D:

I find the Samehada-chan very amusing. By the way that's Kisame's sword is actually called….

Oh yeah –TOBI SPOILER- Did some Akatsuki homework for this story and found out Tobi is really Madara Uchiha-who is really telling the Leader what to do. So he's the mastermind behind the Akatsuki. It's in swear. But Madara Uchiha is a completely different person than Tobi so I figured he's got two identity things goin', and only the leader knows Tobi is Madara Uchiha.

Aw I kinda like the Obito-Tobi theory. I guess it was squashed.

Oh well-see you next chapter!