One Step Closer
One Step Closer

By Yanagi-sen

Weiss Kreuz songfic

Usual disclaimers apply.  Not mine, though I do borrow them for a little torture now and then…  Song belongs to Linkin Park.  Here is part two of my Schu/Youji angst arc, enjoy!  (Especially Aoe, who has been complaining all week… ^_~ )

Warnings: language, implied yaoi

/character thoughts/

'mental speech'

            "Schu-schu?"

            'Why?  Why do you let me do that to you?'

            "Do what?"

            He gestured to the bloodstained sheets.  'That!  I hate it!  I hate you for letting me!  I hate me for doing it! I hate the fact I need it!   That I need you!  I hate my powers!  I hate everything about this pitiful, pathetic, excuse for a life!  I hate it all!'

            Silence.

"I know.  I hate it all too."

I cannot take this anymore,

            I'm saying everything I've said before…

            Schuldich watched as Youji stripped the bed and remade it with fresh sheets.  /How could I have let someone like him get under my skin?  This was supposed to be a meaningless fuck to piss off Braddy.  Besides, I was horny and he was willing.  Continuing it past that first time was fun.  Plus he's good in bed.  I wasn't supposed to care about him.  I wasn't supposed to even like the bastard.  He is Weiss.  I am Schwarz.  We may hurt each other, kill each other, FUCK each other, but not care.  Never care. /

All these words, they make no sense.

            I find bliss in ignorance…

            /Life made infinitely more sense when I just fucked 'em and left 'em.  Would piss Braddy off to no end.  Cause he couldn't control what I did with my time off.  Not like he controls Farf and Nagi.  So I'd go out to the clubs.  Pick up something young and stupid, bring 'em to this shithole apartment; and go home smelling of beer, cigarettes, and sex.  I'd stumble in around 4:30 or so tossing off my coat; and the smell would linger till Braddy got up at 7:00, everyday 7:00.  Pissed him off.  I disrupted his nice, neat, controlled little world.

            I love myself sometimes. /

Less I hear the less you'll say,

            But you'll find out anyway.

   Just like before…

            /So how the fuck did a little shit like Kudoh Youji get mixed up in this equation?  My life was going great.  Well, relatively great.  Takatori gave me people to kill, I had Nagi to play with (not that way you hentai!  ^_~), Braddy to torment…  and Weiss to hate.  I mean, Scheisse!  They do the exact same thing we do.  We all kill people!  We are assassins.  So what makes them the 'good guys'? 

Cause their boss is the chief of police?  Ours is the fucking party leader!  Cause they kill rapists and drug dealers and yakuza?  Well, guess what?  So do we!  But we're better paid for it.  Guess that's the difference.  Schwarz isn't 'noble' enough to kill for pittance. 

Bite me! /

Everything you say to me,

            Takes me one step closer to the edge.

     And I'm about to break…

            /I wish I knew what the fuck is wrong with me?  I can't stand being with you. Youji.  I thought I could handle this… but I can't.  It's too much.  It's pushing me closer and closer to the edge of something I just don't want to see.  I don't know how you can stand to come to me the way you do.  With everything I do to you, how you can even talk to me.  I can't stand to listen anymore. /

I need a little room to breathe,

            Cause I'm one step closer to the edge.

     And I'm about to break…

            /I hate the sight of you.  But at the same time…Gott verdammt es!  I hate you!  The golden-brown of your hair.  The feel of your skin.  The taste of your lips.  Scheisse!  Why is this so goddamned hard to deal with? /

I find the answers aren't so clear,

            Wish I could find a way to disappear…

            /Fuck you.  And fuck me too.  Cause I know exactly who to blame.  I'm the one who started this perverted little game.  Hey that rhymed!  I'm just full of hidden talents.  Damn you, damn me, damn this whole world to HELL!  You're smiling at me in that lazy way of yours, around a cigarette.  I find myself wanting to smile back and settle for a sarcastic smirk.  Who's really in control here?  I don't know anymore. /

All these thoughts they make no sense.

            I find bliss in ignorance…

            /Ah scheisse!  Here it comes again.  I've been having trouble with my shields lately.  I know why, the disordered state of my mind is interfering with their integrity.  I've been able to keep Crawfish from noticing.  But I think Nagi's catching on, he wouldn't tell though.  Farf lets me hide out in his cell when I have an episode.  But Youji hasn't seen this yet, hope he can handle it.  Too bad, he's gonna have to.  There is little I can do but ride it out and wait for my mind to sort itself again.  And hope I have a mind left.  But damn it hurts! /

Nothing seems to go away,

            Over and over again…

            /Youji's looking at me funny.  I must really look pathetic.  My hands, my whole body is shaking.  I'm probably groaning by now.  I can't tell.  With so much going on in my head, it's hard to separate out the other senses.  This pain is like a bee sting, multiplied a million times and then moved into my head.  Nagi's migraines and Crawfish's cluster headaches can't compare.  Fuck!  The thoughts are starting to float it.

            Go away… go away… GO AWAY!!! /

Everything you say to me,

            Takes me one step closer to the edge.

     And I'm about to break…

            /Fuck… fuck… FUCK!!  'You never talk to me anymore.'  Oh Scheisse!  'Mommy, I had a nightmare!'  'Get out of here you bastard!'  'Come on man, I only need a little.'  Damn it, can't block!  'I hate you!'  'I love you!'  'I'm so scared.'  'There's nothing on TV.'  'Sleep with me.'  'How much?' /

            "Arrrrrrgh!"

I need a little room to breathe,

            Cause I'm one step closer to the edge.

     And I'm about to break…

            Schu could barely make out the lithe form as Youji fell to his knees beside him, clutching his shoulder.  "Schu?  What's wrong?!"  The redhead couldn't respond, just clutched at his head as if by that he could hold himself together.

            'Youji… help… me…'

Shut up when I'm talking to you!             Shut up, shut up, shut up…

            "Shut up!  Get out of my head!  Dammit!  STOP!!!  MAKE THEM STOP!"

I'm about to break…

            Slowly, so slowly, the other voices faded away.  The pain receded as his shields slowly stabilized and filtered out the foreign thoughts.  He let one thin tendril remain, the link to Youji.  Schu became aware of arms around him and Youji's voice murmuring to him softly.  The German was too tired to even attempt to speak.

            ' ? '

            Youji looked down, emerald eyes meeting jade.  "Daijoubu?"

            'Nein.'

Everything you say to me,

            Takes me one step closer to the edge.

     And I'm about to break…

            Youji just nodded and then lifted Schu in his arms.  Very gently, the blond deposited him in the now clean bed.  He slid in beside him and wrapped his arms about the telepath again, unconsciously giving Schu the anchor he needed.

            /I can't stand being with you…  But I don't know if I can survive being without you… /

I need a little room to breathe,

            Cause I'm one step closer to the edge.

     And I'm about to break.

-sin sin, tis done-

There you go Aoe, part 2.  Enough angst for you?  Boy, Schu's got himself in trouble this time hasn't he?  Youji's the cause of his mental problems (well a few of them anyway), but he also seems to be the only one who can soothe him too.  Oh, Braddy-boy could probably cancel his powers out, but he's such a bastard Crawfish isn't likely to help.  I make no promises as to when the next part will be out.  (Whew, let myself off the hook this time.  Okay, okay Leannon Sidhe [my resident muse and tormentor] I'll get going on that Gundam one… and yes, I'll finish that Eva fic someday.  Damn demanding muse! *ducks flung scythe*  And stop playing with my toys!)