Number Five: Please, Oh, Baby!

Kuroki was confused. Although this appeared to be a perpetual state of his, he was actually fairly competent. But what Togano was telling him was absolutely ridiculous.

"Haah…?" Kuroki finally replied, mystified.

Togano shook his head. "I knew this would happen. Koji, you have to trust me. Umin is in love with Kazuki, who is in love with Yasukah-san, who's in love with Hiruma-san."

"…And Hiruma-san is in love with?" Kuroki continued.

"Yasukah-san. Okay, let's rephrase this. Umin is in love with Kazuki, right? Except Kazuki barely knows her name, and is enamored with Yasukah-san. Yasukah-san told him yesterday that she has a boyfriend –"

Kuroki snapped his fingers. "Oh! So Hiruma-san is her boyfriend!" His jaw dropped. "Wait, what?"

"…Never mind," Togano whispered. The two of them were hiding behind the locker room, avoiding practice. Togano had thought about what he had seen all night, and came to the only logical conclusion. He obviously couldn't tell Juumonji; the news would probably kill him. Kuroki was proving to be a little too clueless, and the last person Togano was going to tell was Umi-chan.

Umi-chan skipped around the field, watching practice and eyeing Juumonji every once in a while.

"So… who likes Umi-chan?" Kuroki wondered.

"Not really important," Togano told him. "We just can't let Umi-chan find out about any of this. She'll tell everybody."

"…Were you going to ask out Suzuna-san today?" Kuroki randomly asked.

"Not important, either," Togano replied, face turning a delicate shade of pink.

Umi-chan, as it were, was going over to interview Kurita and Komisubi. Togano cocked an eyebrow.

"How on earth is she going to understand Komisubi-kun?" Togano wondered.

"Maybe she speaks the language of strong people…" Kuroki offered before shaking his head. "No, probably not."

"Suzuna-kun!" Monta yelled, waving his arms, trying to get Suzuna's attention. Suzuna looked away from a few cheerleading uniforms to wave to Monta.

"Monta-kun!" Suzuna smiled. "Look what I just got!"

Monta grinned widely. "Cheer uniforms! Pretty MAX! …Did we get a new cheerleader?"

"We're going to have a new cheerleader," Suzuna corrected, "if she'll stop resisting!"

Suzuna glanced over in Kiyoko's direction. Kiyoko was watching Taki try to kick a football into the goalpost, giggling at his futile efforts. She took the ball from him and looked over to the innocent-enough Monta and Suzuna. She gulped before putting the football on a place-kicking tee and letting it rip. The ball went flying. It hit a random passerby in the head.

"She sucks worse than Hiruma-san," Suzuna marveled.

"Terrible MAX," Monta agreed. "…Is Kiyoko-chan going to be a cheerleader?"

Kiyoko was apologizing to the pedestrian that she had just beaned in the forehead. As she bowed repeatedly to the third-year, Suzuna grinned wickedly.

"She's pretty – gorgeous, even," Suzuna explained.

"I suppose so," Monta half-heartedly agreed.

"And I have a feeling that if we dress her as a cheerleader, that secret older boyfriend of her will come out of the woodwork and make himself known!" Suzuna gleefully exclaimed before a football hit her in the head. Monta turned around to see Kiyoko walk towards where Sena was lacing some turf shoes, a surreptitious smile on her face.

Monta gulped. "She's almost like Hiruma-san."

"No!" Suzuna blurted out. "Not at all! How stupid are you?!"

Umi-chan was actually enjoying interviewing Kurita and Komisubi. For the most part, they were easy to talk to and rather even-tempered. Umi-chan had gotten at least six pages of notes from their interview.

Umi-chan scrawled down another random bit of dialogue. "Okay, so the entire school is enthralled with this fish-out-of-water success story… especially the girls."

Kurita blinked before laughing oddly. Komisubi smirked.

"Is there anyone special in your guys' lives?" Umi-chan asked before shrugging. "If you don't want to answer –"

"No, it's a good question," Kurita replied. "And no one wants misunderstandings, like with Juumonji-kun and Yasukah-kun…" Kurita smiled. "There is a girl I like. But she goes to Kyoshin High School…"

Komisubi turned to Umi-chan. "Umph!"

Umi-chan grinned. "Oh, I get it. No one yet…"

Umi-chan thanked God that she could understand what Komisubi meant. Her experiences with Kiyoko's numerous brothers really did pay off.

The Yasukah family, unlike the Sango family, was very large, very rowdy, and very masculine. Kiyoko and her mom were two of four females left in their entire extended family. The rest were men. All of Kiyoko's siblings, for instance, were male football veterans: Kage, a relatively dense office worker who used to play for Zokugaku; Enmaru, now a member of the Japanese X-Leagues after playing for the Shinryuji Nagas; and Ako, the feminine costume designer who, believe it or not, was a member of the Ojo High School squad. Kiyoko's father was also a sports nut, and most of Kiyoko's cousins were football players at various schools.

The Sango family was small. Umi-chan was an only child, and her family was fairly balanced between boys and girls. While most of the men in Kiyoko's family used Power-speak, Umi-chan's family was very polite and mannerly. Umi-chan learned all about men from the Yasukah family, good and bad.

Kurita began to talk again. "Yeah, she works at a store I go to often. She might be a klutz, but I think she's cute…"

Kurita began twiddling his thumbs. "And if we get far enough in the Autumn Tournament, we're going to face Kyoshin, and I might see her in the crowd! Actually, I'm looking forward to seeing all of the different teams and their fans –"

An ominous click sounded from behind Kurita. Kurita turned around before smiling. "Oh, Hiruma. What're you doing?"

Hiruma stood behind him blankly, holding a pistol behind his back. "…Cleaning."

Umi-chan lifted an eyebrow. Of course she knew about Hiruma. It would be nearly impossible to not know about him. He basically ran the school with his black booklet and his weapons storehouse. Umi-chan knew that there was a gun behind his back. It was made even more apparent when he pointed it in her face.

"Who the hell is this?" Hiruma asked Kurita quickly, not moving his eyes away from Umi-chan. A single bead of sweat found its way down her cheek. Umi-chan's body tensed up.

"Um… I'm a reporter from the school newspaper, Umi Sango…" Umi-chan managed to peter out before her brain shut down. Her hand trembled, making her notebook shake uncontrollably. She shoved her other hand upon her shaking arm, trying to steady it. "…If you could move the gun… please… Hiruma-san…"

Hiruma thought for a moment before moving it. Kurita sighed before turning to Umi-chan, a blazing smile on his face. "Do you want to see the pictures of our games?"

Hiruma glared at Umi-chan. Umi-chan flinched. His eyes were like voids. Cold, open voids of nothingness. They couldn't be read.

"You wrote that article on Yasukah-san, didn't you?" Hiruma finally asked.

Kurita blinked while Komisubi tilted his head in a confused manner. Umi-chan sighed, thinking about her imminent death.

"I think that's the first time you've called Kiyoko-chan by her given name…" Kurita mused.

Umi-chan's shoulders sank. "Um, yeah, I wrote that." Umi-chan fell to her knees, going into a dogeza. "For the love of God, don't kill me!"

Hiruma recoiled as Kurita looked around, not wanting to watch but somehow being drawn to it. Komisubi got bored and went to practice his rushing technique with Kuroki and Togano.

"I wasn't going to kill you," Hiruma finally said, choosing his words carefully. "I was just wondering."

Hiruma walked away. Umi-chan sat up, her mind completely blank. He made being completely evil so effortlessly cool. Umi-chan shook her head. No, he wasn't being cool. He was an absolute monster. So monstrous that he could turn his singular act of homicidal weirdness into some display of mercy. Umi-chan clutched her arms, blocking an invisible chill.

"Umi-chan…" Kurita whispered, "are you all right?"

Umi-chan turned to him, giving a weak smile. "Yeah. I'm all right." She stood up uneasily, dusting herself off. "He has a rather… strong effect on people, doesn't he? …Let's go look at those pictures!"

Kurita became happy again, and led Umi-chan to the club room.

In the meantime, Togano leaned against a tackle dummy and sighed.

"…Crap."

A/N: Reviews! Oh my GOD! I can't believe it! Unfortunately I've kind of neglected all my stories and regular posting, what with going back to school taking up my life. Once again, we delve into the interesting life of snoop Umi Sango. I just love her character so much… but out of her, Ashira, and Kiyoko, I have to say that Kiyoko is my favorite. I wrote about her first, after all.

DISCLAIMER: I definitely don't own Eyeshield 21. I mean, come on.