"I'm not afraid to cry every once / In awhile / Even though goin' on with you gone still upsets me / There are days every now and again / I pretend I'm okay / But that's not what gets me / What hurts the most / Was being so close / And havin' so much to say / And watchin' you walk away / And never knowin' what could have been" - What Hurts The Most, recorded by Rascal Flatts
Much thanks to JessyJazz (2cnd letter inside text) and FieryKitsune (3rd letter inside text) for their thoughtful letters. You guys are awesome! Thanks a bunch! K.D.B.
Epilogue: Condolences
Jazz held the tiny white hand written envelope, sighing some. Ever since the accident, they had been steadily coming in. Looking at the human post he held, the silver second in command couldn't help but to feel a little surprised by how many of the humans felt a certain "connection" with Bluestreak for what they had learned what happened five months ago on the stretch of highway known as I-78.
Remembering how he met Bluestreak, whom they found nearly dead and forever traumatized, Jazz knew that sometimes, the worst of situations had a tendency to bring beings together in the strangest ways.
Walking into the command center suddenly, Ironhide sauntered up to Jazz, Bumblebee next to him. Seeing the tiny piece of human mail the silver Autobot held, Ironhide let out a soft sigh.
"Another one for Blue?" The black weapons specialist asked knowingly.
"Yeah…it came a little bit ago," Jazz replied.
"That's gotta be like the hundredth letter he's gotten within the past couple of solar cycles," Bumblebee noted. "You think he's replied to any of them?"
Jazz shrugged. "Can't say, Bee. I don't wanna ask cuz I see how much it affects him whenever he gets another one."
"Not too mention how many times the human news replayed the whole thing on the t.v. afterward…I thought they were going to keep showing it forever! Wasn't it bad enough it happened once? Why the slaggin' pit did they need to keep reminding everyone about it?" Ironhide added, shaking his head.
"It's just their way, Hide…they can't help it," Jazz sighed. "They're social creatures by nature…keeping informed of what affects their daily life is only a given. That's how they learn and evolve."
"If watching something like that a thousand times is learning and evolving, I'd hate to see where they're going to be at in the next couple hundred stellar cycles," Ironhide replied.
Thinking back on the whole traumatic event, Jazz's memory circuits showed him bits and pieces…Blue…the staggering grief stricken anguish written all over him…her car…smashed up against the concrete median…Primus, that was enough of a tragic sight by itself…
Jazz sighed again, continuing. "The news crews were only doing their jobs…not too mention with Blue, TC, and myself being out there in the open like that…it probably only added to the chaos of the situation. We aren't exactly the smallest beings in the world, Hide."
Ironhide let out a disdainful snort. "Job or not…it still doesn't give them the right to replay such a traumatic event over and over…once is enough."
Pointing to the letter Jazz held, Bumblebee piped up brightly, "That's real nice of the humans to do that, send condolences, don't ya think, Jazz?"
"Yeah…it is, Bee," Jazz nodded in agreement.
Turning to Ironhide, the yellow scout added, "Maybe that's a good sign of their evolving, to be able to sympathize, huh?"
"Sure kid, alright…they're able to feel empathy after being subjected to repeated images of horror…a lot of evolving there," The weapons specialist scoffed back.
"Well it's a lot more than what most Cons feel, Hide, considering how we've all been around for millenniums…you'd think in that time frame they'd be able to learn something," Jazz commented.
Looking over the handwriting on the letter again, seeing it was from a Dorothy Arbinger, Jazz said to the two Autobots with him, "Let me go give this to Blue…she took the time to write and send it…it's only right we give it to him."
Seeing Ironhide and Bumblebee nod in silent agreement, the silver second in command headed off to find the young gunner who held so much sorrow over the human he had been in love with.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
Bluestreak sat still at his desk, his fingers tips making the light noise from his quiet nervousness. A letter from Dorothy Arbinger sat in front of him, unopened. It still amazed him the humans would even want to write to him in the first place. After all, as Bluestreak saw it, there was nothing special about him self. But that day five months ago had changed that…drastically.
That day…it was so patchy and fog filled…hearing…seeing…
Kate…
His Kate…in the car…her body covered in red, trapped and lifeless…
Bluestreak had been so immersed about Kate he never fully comprehended the magnitude of the sheer trauma it must have been for all of the humans involved until after the accident. And judging from the amount of human post he had received since, Bluestreak had reached the definite conclusion he had not been the only one affected by its brutal aftermath.
It had been about a full earth month since he had done the releasing life line ritual of spreading her ashes over Washentaw Canyons, but it wasn't enough, not entirely. He was still surrounded…surrounded with ever lasting waking thoughts and broken memories of her face, her beautiful perfect face that always looked at him as if she thought he was the most important being to have ever come online.
And although Bluestreak did feel a small amount of comfort come over him when he saw her ashes being taken with the wind, everything else still remained. Everyday, Bluestreak found himself waking with the same torturous anguish resonating inside, knowing his finger tips would never feel her warmth on them again and that he would never again be able to gaze into that wondrous, calming plane of existence which always drifted openly within her dark brown eyes.
The only comfort of hope Bluestreak managed to find, was the belief that somehow, even though their matrix's were vastly different, he would see her again, walking toward him, her face lit up at their joyous reunion, a magnificent reward for giving his all toward the cause he found himself fighting for on a daily basis.
Shooting a glance toward the black locked trunk sitting nearby, Bluestreak sighed and then went over to open it. Pulling a stack of human letters from it the young gunner had neatly put away, Bluestreak sat back down at his desk. When he had first started receiving the human correspondences, he stored them out of view, not even bothering to read them. He couldn't. It was too painful.
Taking the letter addressed from Dorothy, the blue Autobot hesitated, his fingers slightly shaking, afraid that whatever words were written would somehow transport him back to the highway to relive it all again.
They've lost too…I should just read them…it can't hurt…they took the time to write them out…Bluestreak thought then.
He was ready.
Opening the tiny letter, Bluestreak unfolded the piece of paper and started reading.
It took about nearly three nanocycles, but Bluestreak finally did manage to get through most of the stack. Most said the same polite condolences. "I saw what happened on the news and how you tried rescuing the one woman from her car. I just wanted to write tell you how sorry I am for your loss."
Some though were well…different…
"OMG!!! OMG!!! I soooo want to meet you!!!! Where are you from? You're an alien right? You're frickin huge! I told my friends all about seeing you on the news! How tall are you? Can you come to my house? Can you take me to your planet? I never thought earth would get real aliens! Holy shit!"
Bluestreak didn't know what to make of those. It almost sounded as if the humans who wrote them had some sort of CPU glitch that made them overly hyperactive.
From being on earth before, the gunner knew how most human reactions were, ranging from sheer terror to shock to squealing with delight. He didn't understand why so many humans wanted the Autobots to take them to Cybertron. Didn't they like their own planet?
While Bluestreak understood the shock expressed by most (as he was equally shocked the first time he had ever seen a human) fleshlings and the curious excitement stemming from meeting a being so different from themselves, the overt unpredictability of their emotional states always made Bluestreak a little on the uncomfortable side due to his own inner demons he knew he harbored.
Except Kate…Primus, her name was enough to send the blue Autobot reeling into a mad euphoria all over again.
Setting the more peculiar letters aside, seeing he could show them to Jazz and Bumblebee later for their opinions to try and make sense out of them, Bluestreak looked at the three letters that had really stood out to him.
When he had read them initially, all three were so powerful in tone and thought that the young gunner had to sit there for a minute afterward, trying to get his body to stop its trembling from the sorrow he felt rippling through him from their heartfelt, comforting words…words he knew needed and deserved a reply.
The first letter he had read was short but the other two were quite long and Bluestreak wondered nervously if he would be able to reciprocate an equally beautiful moving response to something that had obviously taken considerable time and effort to write.
Taking the first letter, Bluestreak read through it one more time:
Dear Bluestreak,
My name is Dorothy Arbinger. I know you don't know me and to be honest, I feel a little strange writing this letter at all. The reason I do is because of the tragedy that befell the both of us four months ago on Interstate 78.
You see, my 5 year old granddaughter, Haley, was killed in that accident as well. The minivan she had been riding in with her mother and brother was struck several times before being pushed across the highway altogether. Her mother and brother survived, but Haley was killed instantly. There's not a day that goes by that I don't hope and pray she is playing happily with the good lord above.
One day she is here, telling me how much she loves me and the next, she is gone. From seeing the news, I saw you have experienced the same. I know there's nothing that can be done or said to take away the pain, but please know there is someone who knows what you are going through and that you are not alone.
Yours truly,
Dorothy Arbinger
Pulling his laptop over to him, Bluestreak sat for a minute, thinking. Finally, the gunner started to type.
Hello Dorothy,
Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm greatly sorry to hear about your granddaughter…she was 5 years old? That doesn't seem fair to me…her spark (life, I mean) hadn't even begun yet…but then again…I am slowly finding out that a lot isn't fair. I know how much you must miss her. That day was horrible…I think about it all the time…I can't help not too. I see it every night in my recharge dreams (sleep I mean, sorry!).
And like you, I think about the loss I have suffered as well. I wonder if I will see her again, if there was some reason for it all. Is there ever a reason for it? I don't know. I can't figure it out…I've tried and I just can't. I just know I miss her so much everyday. All my friends here are all so good to me. I don't know what I would do without them.
But reading the kind words you have put to me helps so much. I really appreciate them. Thank you, Dorothy!
Bluestreak
Taking another letter he had set aside, Bluestreak looked it over carefully. It was quite long and he didn't want to miss anything written in it:
Dearest Bluestreak,
I'm not sure how well you're handling the whole situation but I'll be crazy to think that you're okay and doing fine, even with the help of your beloved friends around you.
The initial pain, hurt, anger and frustration, let them come to you, Blue. Tackle them at your own pace. Don't rush and try and get rid of them in a hurry because the harder you try, they'll bounce back 10 folds. If you have to cry, just let it out. If you have to shoot something, help yourself. You must find an outlet for all these emotions. Only when you let them go than they will escape.
The love you both shared happened for a reason; because you were both meant to be, even though it wasn't for long. It may seem unfair, but the most important thing is you had each other, even for the shortest moment. For that, you should rejoice.
She may not be around physically but you know where she will always be, in your spark. Not even death can take that away from you a 2nd time. Once you have her locked up right there, it's as good as having her with you physically. There will come a day when you'll be able to talk about her without feeling the pain, and smile instead of cry when you think of her or touch her belongings.
Time will heal all wounds. So go on, Blue… take as much time as you need.
From someone who cares,
Jessica
(JessyJazz)
Bluestreak was truly touched as he had been with the letter he just previously responded too. From the way the letter was written, the young gunner could tell the person writing them must've been truly good at heart to say such wonderful comforting things to a being they didn't even know. He felt honored these humans felt the need to extend him their sympathies in such beautiful overtones.
Staring down at his keyboard, the blue Autobot started on his careful reply:
Hello Jessica:
Thank you for your kind words of comfort. I'm sorry to have taken so long to reply but it's just that I've not felt up to it as of late as I really haven't felt up too much, I must admit. I hope you'll understand and not be too upset. Your letter was very consoling and beautiful and I don't want you to think I was ignoring the kind gesture.
My friends have been really understanding with me. I don't know if you saw the news but my best friend, Jazz, was with me. He was the silver colored Autobot. He's such a good friend because he always listens and gives good advice…I go to him whenever I need to talk. He helps so much. Another friend of mine was there too (although I don't know if he thinks we are or not…he's a bit on the grouchy side) in the air, but I don't know if the news caught that because he never touched down.
I really didn't know how to handle it all…after it happened…the accident. I really didn't. I just kept thinking and thinking, about her (her name was Kate, I don't know if you knew or not…I think the news reports might've said it) and that day…it all seems unreal when I think about it now…but it did happen. I wish more than anything that it didn't but it did.
I've had my optics flood from it…horribly (I mean crying…sorry…I know that's what humans call it…I forget sometimes). It just came out one day and you know what Jessica? I felt better, a little at least…not entirely, but a little. It was like a release of everything I had held in. So yes, I agree with you about not rushing things, about letting the outlet come out on its own because as I have found out from experiences past, you can not rush something that isn't meant to be rushed.
And yes too, Jessica, I do hope I will see her again, in the matrix (God…sorry!). It will be a much anticipated reunion I can only hope I will be lucky enough to have granted to me…to be able to see her again…I can't imagine anything more wonderful.
Alas! Look at me! I have rambled on forever and a solar cycle (day, I mean!). Please forgive. I have a tendency to do that. It's just that your letter was so nice and pleasant that I really did appreciate all of it. Thank you again dear Jessica!
Bluestreak
Picking up the last of the three letters that had had an affect on him, Bluestreak looked it over:
Dear Bluestreak,
I know you don't know me, but my name is Vanessa and I have recently learned of the tragedy that occurred recently. The tremendous car accident was a horrible tragedy that has left many with questions of how and why.
But what I found most upsetting was seeing you so distraught on that highway through the nine o'clock news. Despite being extremely shocked by your presence, the expression on your face was heartbreaking as well as it was very obvious that alien or not, you were hurting over the young woman in that car.
Of course, various stories and rumors erupted and dominated the media for weeks, but the main one being that you two were romantically involved. Whether this is true or not, it does not matter. You obviously cared, and because of that, I wanted to send you my condolences. I am sincerely sorry for your loss.
Why contact you, you may be asking? Well, because I can't get the look on your face out of my mind. The raw pain in your eyes. I wanted to send you some words of comfort.
I wanted to let you know, that as someone who has experienced loss a few times myself, to please don't despair. To continue living for her, I'm sure that despite whatever relationship you had, she'd want that. She may be gone physically, but as long as you continue to live and carry her memory with you, she'll never truly be gone. She lives in you through memories of good times and even the bad. And it may not seem like it now, but time will help and heal some of the ache. It won't mean you forgot her, but time helps make you a little stronger.
If I were in front of you right now, I'd hug you. (Even if I'd only reach what, the beginning of your foot?!?)
Stay strong Bluestreak, I wish the best for you!
Sincerely yours,
Vanessa
(FieryKitsune)
Bluestreak read it over one more time. Whoever this Vanessa was, like Jess and Dorothy, she sounded like she was quite the nice human. Wanting to make sure his reply would be on par with what she had written him, Bluestreak sat for another minute, tapping his finger tips on the desk, thinking intently. Finally, he came up with the words:
Hello Vanessa:
For replying so long after you sent me your beautiful words of condolence, please let me apologize. I wanted to respond, honestly. It's just that I needed some time…I hope you understand. I read your entire letter, every word of it. Thank you for all of your words!
I don't remember much…from that day…but I do remember there were a lot of other humans there too. There was so much going on…my logic circuits (oops…mind, I mean) couldn't believe it, any of it. I don't remember except that a lot of them seemed surprised by seeing me and my best friend Jazz approaching (I don't if you saw that on the news or not) and I don't blame them. I would've had the same reaction too.
The woman in the car…her name was Kate and yes Vanessa, you are correct. I loved her very much. I would've done anything for her. She was everything to me….I hope that doesn't too strange. Her spark (heart, I mean) was unlike any other I have known. I think about her everyday…I met her when she was taking her dog swimming in the lake…do you know of that lake? I think it sits on the other side of town. I met her there. My memories of her are wonderful and sometimes I feel as if that's all that is left of her now since she is gone and I can't touch her or talk to her anymore.
I do hope that like you said, Vanessa, that time will eventually make it better for me…right now it doesn't seem that way….but I know I have to hold on…I had a very rough spot but a friend of mine helped through that…I was really grateful to him for it. I know I won't forget her…that I know for sure…even if everything else around doesn't make sense…that fact will always be true.
I'm truly flattered by you wanting to hug me. I…I…don't know about that…I don't mean that as in a bad way toward you…please don't take it as such…it's just that I have a tendency to be really clumsy…you know…drop things and such…I wouldn't want to accidentally hurt you or anything like that. But thank you for the sentiment!
I must get going now. I have said way too much as usual and probably have taken up too much of your time already. For your comforting words, thank you so much, Vanessa!
Bluestreak
Sitting back in his chair, the young gunner saved his replies and then proceeded to print them off so he could send them out with the next batch of outgoing human mail from the base.
Bluestreak hoped what he had written was okay as he had never been one to be eloquent when it came to writing. And as the letters were put away back into the black trunk, he felt an unprepared feeling of peace and calm settle over him, as if everything just written had acted as much needed therapy.
Smiling slightly to himself from the nice words the humans had sent his way, the young gunner headed out to the command center, replies in hand, grateful for the warm comfort that had been extended to him and the tranquility he suddenly felt covering him soothingly.