Sooo... it's been a while, hasn't it? Haha it's cool if you lost interest, but I'll still finish it off.

Disclaimer: Nope, don't own Harry Potter... as usual.

Previously, on "The Ancient Art of Maraudering"...

Noting the equally ecstatic expression on James's face, Lily asked warily, "And why are you two so cheerful?"

"We've got a plan to end it all," James said, grinning and linking arms with Sirius.

"What do you mean, 'end it all'?" Lily was definitely afraid of the answer now.

"You'll see at dinner, flower," was all that James said in response to her question. Lily glanced at Sirius's expression, and asked, "Should I go to dinner, James?"

"I'll make sure you don't get hurt, Lilykins," James spoke soothingly, in an attempt to allay her worries.

It didn't work.

"Well, we're off to set up. I'll see you later, love," James said, giving her a quick kiss farewell.

Lily bit her lip and murmured a soft goodbye.

She was a woman, goddammit. It was her job to worry.

The Ancient Art of Maraudering
Chapter 23: And [Keep] Your Enemies Closer

Meredith Burns was an above-average student. More than pretty, she was absolutely gorgeous. She had long, curly black hair that made other girls green, and hazel eyes. With her naturally tanned skin and curves, she had much of Hogwarts's male population wrapped around her finger.

However, there were three males of Hogwarts whom she didn't have: Sirius Black, James Potter, and Remus Lupin. The Marauders.

Meredith was a year younger than them; fatefully placed in Gryffindor, she saw them often, but never really knew them.

She and the Marauders were acquaintances at best, not really friends, but someone you would acknowledge in the hallway with a smile or nod. So when Sirius Black approached her that evening, asking for assistance on his next prank, she already knew what her answer was.

"You won't have to do much – you'll barely even be involved. But we need someone that Remus and Hermione would never, ever suspect in a million, trillion years. Even if they do realize your role, there wouldn't be any repercussions on you."

"You can guarantee that?" Meredith said, raising her eyebrows doubtfully. She knew Remus wasn't the vengeful type, but the number one thing you tried not to do at Hogwarts - more than just getting a poor grade or a detention - was get involved with the Marauders when they got to their infamous prank wars.

"Absolutely!" Sirius said, grinning. Must have thought she'd say yes by now; most people don't even ask questions, simply wanted in on the action.

"What's in it for me?"

"Our eternal gratitude, love."

Meredith crossed her arms and smirked. "And if I were to say no?"

"We would be sorely disappointed and would have to find someone else. And quite frankly, we aren't gifted with that much time."

"Wow, you must need help if you're trying to sound that official."

"We do!"

"But do I get anything else out of it, besides eternal gratitude?"

"What did you have in mind?" Sirius asked, warily noting her smirk that was growing wider by the second.

Licking her lips, she leaned up in Sirius's ear and whispered, telling him exactly what she wanted. His eyebrows shot up accordingly, not expecting that kind of request… but he wasn't horrified. No, far from horrified.

Smirking as well, he said, "That can definitely be arranged, Mer."

"I knew we could work something out. Now, what is it that you want me to do?"

Sirius led her over to where James was standing, and together the duo let her in on the Plan.

P, as in capital P. Because there was no uber long title this time, just the Plan.

'Cause they were cool like that.

MEANWHILE, IN THE BOYS DORMITORY…

"Sirius and James have been gone for a while. Do you think that everything worked out okay?" Harry asked.

"They're James and Sirius, everything works out for them," Ron said, tiredly.

"True…" Harry said, running a hand through his hair.

"Do you wanna go see them?" Ron suggested, knowingly.

"Yeah, let's go," Harry said, and they left their dorm – heading back towards the Common Room.

NEXT…

"Remus, Remus!" Meredith called out, chasing after him. It had been awful, trying to get him alone; whatshername Hermione was always, always, always by his side, and for a couple of 'goody two shoes' students, they sure knew a hell of a lot about PDA.

"Oh hey, Meredith! What's wrong?" Remus asked, noting her crazy expression.

"I failed the Defense Against the Dark Arts written test yesterday. The professor said that I could do test corrections, but I have absolutely no clue where to begin. Would you mind helping me, please?" Meredith begged.

He looked a little irritated, as if he wanted nothing more in the world than to say no but was too nice to refuse.

However, what he actually said was, "Is right now alright? I'm busy later."

"Right now is perfect!" she said, giving him a sultry smile.

"To the library?" he asked, turning to go in that direction.

"No, I was thinking more along the lines of a classroom over here so we could practice…" Meredith said, taking his hand and dragging him along until she found THE room. Once she pulled him inside, giggling, she smiled at him as she shut the door behind them.

"What are you doing, Meredith? What's wrong with keeping a door open?" Remus asked, a little uneasy as to where this was going.

"Well, Remus…" Meredith said, closing the distance between them easily. "I always thought that you weren't the type to have a girlfriend… more along the lines of, 'friends with benefits'…"

As Remus opened his mouth to ask her what in the hell she was talking about, Meredith leaned up and kissed him, sliding her hand down his pants and skimming her hand along his thigh. He was too confused and surprised to do anything, so she took advantage of that and went a little farther, snogged a little harder, and led his hand under her jeans, leading him towards…

"Get off of me, I have a girlfriend!" Remus exclaimed, pushing her away exactly as a click! from a camera sounded throughout the room.

"Well, well, well what have we here?" Sirius smirked, emerging from a corner as James emerged from another.

"What's going on?" Remus exclaimed, furiously.

"We're blackmailing you, that's what," James responded, gleefully.

"That means you have to do whatever we say, or we'll show Hermione this picture of you and Meredith," Sirius said, showing him the picture of the two kissing.

"Sirius, I know what blackmailing is. And that's not fair, she seduced me!"

"All's fair when it comes to prank wars, Remmy. Don't tell anyone about this, or you'll pay the price," James laughed.

"Incendio!" Remus cried, pointing towards the picture.

"Good try Remmy, but it's fire proof. And spell-proof in general," James smirked, crossing his arms as Meredith walked over to stand by the pair.

"What do you want?"

"We'll be in touch," Sirius said, and the three strolled out of the room. Grabbing Meredith's arm on her way out, Remus said, "Whatever they promised you, I'll double it. Ten times better than anything they could give ever hope to give you."

She gave him a feisty, sultry smile, saying, "Sirius promised better, sorry," and flounced out of the room after them.

Facepalming, Remus wished he wasn't so nice.

"Oh and Remus?" Sirius peeked his head back in the room.

"Yes?"

"Just remember, you were the ones who went too far first. Now, it's our turn," he said, cackling.

"Get lost, Black!" he shouted, casting a random spell in his direction. Sirius literally said, "Eek!"and ran to catch up with James and Meredith.

To make matters worse, McGonagall appeared, raising her eyebrows at him.

"Remus, what has gotten into you and the boys lately? You've been more rowdy and troublesome than usual and quite honestly, I do not like it."

"Oh, nothing professor," he said, smiling innocently. He remembered their last prank war, and knew she would flip if anything like that would happen again.

She nodded and pursed her lips, not looking as if she bought his excuse, but not really wanting to question the 'inner turmoils' of the Marauders – as was the common reaction by most teachers and most students.

"Oh, and Remus?"

"Yes, Professor?"

"Dumbledore, myself, and all of the other professors are going out tonight during dinner for the Annual Staff Dinner During School. Since James and Lily are the two Heads of Gryffindor, it's up to you to see that order remains in my house. I would tell this to James, but I know that he and Black are up to something… as usual. I'm counting on you, Remus. DON'T make a fool out of it while I'm gone," she said, her lips forming a stern, thin line.

He gulped. "Yes, Professor."

"Good. No pressure, then," she said, and left him to his own.

"Oh, Merlin help me," he groaned, sinking down into a nearby chair.

James and Sirius had certainly picked the right night; there would be utter chaos at dinner tonight, there was no doubt about it.

He could only hope that Lily had those two lunatics under control…

"Great job, Mer. He never saw it coming!" James grinned, high fiving her as they made their way back to the common room.

"It actually wasn't that hard, to be honest," Meredith said, laughing.

"Absolutely flawless. And did you see the look on his face after you seduced him?" Sirius snickered.

"Well, I'm going to copy this picture for reasons that I cannot disclose to you, Meredith. Oh, don't look so annoyed, you'll find out soon enough. I'll see you two in a little bit," James said, bounding past the picture of the Fat Lady and up to his dorm.

"So, when do I get my payment for helping?" Meredith asked, slyly.

Sirius leaned in, giving her a deep, long kiss.

"Soon enough, my dear."

After winking at her, he followed James upstairs. Meredith actually swooned before she headed inside. Good thing he hadn't seen that. She had been and slept with lots of guys, but none of them even came close to comparing to him.

FIVE MINUTES LATER, IN THE BOYS DORMITORY, SIRIUS BLACK WAS ALMOST KILLED.

"You promised Meredith WHAT?"

"It was the only way she would help, James, I swear!"

"Because I'm sure you saw nothing wrong with her wanting to have sex WITH BOTH OF US." James shouted, fuming.

"James I'm sorry but it was the only way it would work!"

"When does she want… her payment?" James asked, with narrowed eyes.

"We haven't agreed on the deadline yet, or even put one… but if it makes you feel better, she said she wants to have sex with me WHENEVER she damn well pleases. Thank Merlin she's hot…"

"SIRIUS, YOU'RE SUCH A DUMBASS. DO YOU EVEN REALIZE WHAT YOU JUST AGREED TO?"

"Yeah, of course!"

"YOU AGREED TO BE HER BITCH, THAT'S WHAT. I'm never letting you do any types of negotiations again…"

"Yeah, but she's just so damn hot, Prongs!"

James facepalmed.

"And what am I supposed to tell Lily?"

"You don't tell her, dumbass. You've done it before with other girls, you can do it again."

"Yeah, but never to LILY EVANS. I don't want to!"he said, crossing his arms and pouting.

Sirius moved closer to James. He spoke into James's ear, and in a barely a whisper, "Polyjuice potion, dumbass."

James looked at him, and quite frankly, looked like he could kiss him. Sirius then proceeded to tell him that.

Ignoring Sirius's comment, James said, "Do you think that would fool her?"

"Prongs, listen. We spend so much time together; we're like brothers, and if we can survive a prank war like this one, we can do anything, Prongs. If we looked alike, no one could tell us apart… well, the only difference would be that you would be chasing Lily, and I would be chasing the rest of the female population."

"Merlin, Padfoot. You sounded like you were about to confess your undying love to me right there," James said, laughing.

"If that's what you really wanted to hear, I would be more than happy to confess my undying love to you, Prongs."

James smirked, saying, "Confess your undying love to me then, Padfoot. I know you've wanted to ever since the day we met."

Sirius bowed, and took hold of James's hands, leaning forward so that their foreheads brushed against each other.

"Prongs, you are my best friend. You are more than my best friend. My one, true best friend that I could count on for anything, who let me into your home and family without question, who I know better than anyone… there is no one else in the entire world that I would rather confess my undying love to than you, Prongs. James Potter, Prongs, I must confess that I'm in love with you and I cannot keep it hidden anymore; I want you. Those girls are just a sham and I cannot live without you by my side."

In that physical position, anyone who didn't know Sirius as well as James did would have bought it.

Except… it was James, and he knew Sirius better than anyone. He was up to something…

Smirking, and somehow managing to keep such a straight face as Sirius, James said, "I'm in love with you too, Padfoot. You're my one and only, and Lily is only a cover for you."

Sirius leaned in and whispered in his ear, "Now for the gold; lean in and kiss me for five seconds, then again for twenty... and maybe a third one after that, for good luck. Make it look realistic."

Smirking, James said, "That'll show those two fuckers for eavesdropping on us."

Outside, Harry and Ron watched the 'dynamic duo' through the infamous 'crack' in the boys's dormitory door; put there, after Sirius broke up with one of his more aggressive 'girlfriends'. 'Girlfriend' in quotation marks, because he never really had committed relationships, and when he did, he cheated… shamelessly. For revenge, she tried to blast the door open to 'kill' him. McGonagall did her best to repair it, but only a crack remained of that fateful October day.

Poor souls, they had no idea they were being, in other words, 'fucked with'.

LATER, ON THE MOVING STAIRCASE TO THE GREAT HALL…

"So, you can make out with me to mess with Harry and Ron, and then pretend to shag me, but not Meredith?"

Yawning, James ran a hand through his hair. Who knew pretending to shag someone would be nearly as tiring as actually shagging someone?

"There's a difference, Padfoot!"

"How so?"

"First of all, Lily would be far too shocked and probably not even believe that I kissed you to begin to feel hurt or know what to feel. In Meredith's case, she would be shocked, hurt, pissed off, then hurt some more," James explained, patiently.

"I see how it is. You'll cheat on Lily with boys, but not girls. Because somehow, it's less believable," Sirius said, sarcastically.

"First of all, that wouldn't even really count as cheating, it would count as… a prank, which really means that it doesn't count towards anything at all," James said.

"Ahh, but Meredith was involved in a prank – a prank war, to be specific – and the official 'Prank War Rulebook' states that for the sake of the war, sanity, and other unmentionable reasons that may cause said girlfriend to break up with you, it is perfectly acceptable that…

1. She never finds out.

2. To cheat on her if necessary or relevant to said prank war if needed."

"Does it really say that, Padfoot?"

"Of course, right here on page 374!" Sirius said, turning to page 374 and shoving the text in James's face.

"Alright, alright, alright! Maybe it's not technically cheating if it's a cause OF said prank war…"

"Exactly!"

"But Lily wouldn't see it that way…"

"She doesn't have to find out, Prongs!"

"What if she does?"

"She won't, because while you'll be with Lily, I'll be with Meredith… as you."

"But how would we even get Polyjuice potion? Do we still have some left over?"

"I think we're going to have to steal it; she probably won't wait that long to shag you," Sirius said.

"Slughorn?"

"Do you really think he could make a competent Polyjuice potion?"

"No… but what other choice do we have?"

"There's this one shop, in Knockturn Alley… my dad took me there once, when we were shopping for clothes for school from before I hadn't been sorted into Gryffindor. Said the potions shop in Diagon Alley 'wasn't legit'".

"He actually said that?" James asked, raising his eyebrows doubtfully.

"Nope, I'm giving you the watered down version! But anyways-"

"You're saying that a potions shop in KNOCKTURN ALLEY is less sketchy than Slughorn, a HOGWARTS PROFESSOR?"

"Ahhh, but here's the catch, Prongs. Aberforth Dumbledore runs it."

"What? You mean to say that Dumbledore… has a brother, who runs a potions shop in Knockturn Alley?"

"Have you ever even been to Knockturn Alley, Prongs?"

"No…"

"The perfect time to go would be after dinner. The teachers use this tradition to go get drunk and complain about us and shit like that," Sirius said, biting his lip as he planned.

"Alright, but I'm trusting you on this one, Padfoot."

Sirius grinned, and said, "So-"

At that exact moment, Sirius noticed that Harry and Ron were walking towards the staircase from the hallway. Nudging James, he whispered, "Trip."

"What?" James asked, confused.

"I didn't stutter, did I? Trip!" And with that meager warning, he inconspicuously pushed James down the last set of stairs. Then, he proceeded to let himself 'lose his balance' and tumble down the stairs as well, so that he landed on top of James with an 'oof!'.

"Imma kill you, Padfoot," James hissed, under his breath as Harry and Ron approached.

"Are… are you two okay? That was a fall if I ever saw one," Ron asked.

"Oh, as long as I have James to fall on, I'm perfectly brilliant," Sirius said, with a wicked grin and wink.

James looked as if he would rather do nothing more than either kill Sirius or die himself.

"Get off of me, idiot!" he hissed, shoving Sirius off and standing up.

Harry and Ron's eyes were wide, and because James was blushing of embarrassment (just a tad), it was assumed what you think they were assuming.

"We'll just… catch up with you later," Harry squeaked, and they quickly turned and started walking up the stairs.

"Really, Padfoot?"

"I couldn't resist, Prongs! Once the idea got in my head, the perfect opportunity…"

James just shook his head and continued on towards the Great Hall, where they were about to wreak the best havoc ever.

At the entrance, Meredith approached the pair.

"Sirius: third closet on the left, fifth floor, midnight tonight."

"You got it, sweetie," Sirius said, winking.

"I'll see you there, Sirius," she said. Not in the, 'oh, I'll see you later' way, but the 'breathe on the neck, whisper in ear see you later' way.

"Merlin, Padfoot. Of all the girls to choose from, you would choose Meredith Burns," James said, after she had walked away.

"Mmmmm," he was all he said, still staring at Meredith walking.

"Padfoot, focus! Big prank, extreme chaos, revenge?"

"Oh, right! Let's blow this shit up, Prongs."

"We aren't going to blow up Hogwarts, dumbass!"

"But I still want to blow shit up…"

"I never said that we wouldn't blow shit up, Padfoot.."

"Awesome! You ready to go?"

"Let's."

James and Sirius strided over to where Remus was sitting at the Gryffindor table… with Hermione.

"Remus, Remus, Remus…" Sirius said, smirking as he put a hand on right his shoulder the same time as James said, "Lupin, Lupin, Lupin," and put his hand on his left shoulder.

"What do you want?" he snapped, turning around to glare at them.

"Ah, I wouldn't be so harsh, Moony. You haven't already forgotten about the project now, have you?"

Glowering at them, Remus said, "Excuse me, 'Mione. It won't be long."

She looked suspicious, but nodded in a, 'You had better tell me later or you aren't getting laid' tonight way.

"What do you want me to do?"

James glanced at Sirius, who nodded.

"We want you… to go over to Snivellus, and confess your undying love to him. Then, you have to kiss him. ON THE LIPS, for ten seconds. It'll probably be his first, so it might be ugly... well, uglier than normal," James said.

Remus stared at James, and then at Sirius, then back at James.

"…You're serious?" he asked, so stupefied that he forgot the rule: NEVER say the word serious in front of Sirius.

"Why yes, yes I am," Sirius said, with a smirk.

Rolling his eyes, James spoke again, "Do you need us to repeat the task?"

"What happens if I don't – you'll actually break us up?" Remus said, scoffing.

"Maybe, maybe not. But, if we don't… we have a backup plan, that involves a hell of a lot more chaos than you just going over there to kiss Snivellus, and are you not supposed to keep order for the Gryffindor house because Minnie thinks I won't enforce rules tonight? I wonder what Minnie will do if there's trouble…" James said, letting that sink in.

"You know, she'd blame Lily too, James," Remus pointed out.

James looked a little uncertain after that, but Sirius quickly covered for him. "Ah, but Minnie knows that Lily would try and enforce the rules, whereas you have a history of… not… enforcing the rules."

Sirius laughed, smirking as Remus's face fell.

"I'm NOT kissing Sni-Snape."

"Fine, we'll just show 'Mione this picture, and we'll see which one you'll regret most…"

"What's going on, boys?" Hermione said, bouncing up to them.

"Business, woman. IMPORTANT business that doesn't involve you," Sirius said, glaring at her.

Hermione narrowed her eyes, and before any words came out of her mouth, James knew what was coming because he had heard the, "women are just as equal as men," speech more than enough times from Lily.

"And no, it's not because you're a woman, it's because you're not involved," James said, forcefully.

At that point, Hermione WOULD have left, except Remus had to pipe up and say, "Technically James, she IS involved."

Turning to Hermione, James said, with a wink, "It's a surprise, love."

She still wasn't convinced, but kissed Remus on the lips and said, "Don't be gone for too long."

After she was back at her seat, Remus sighed and said, "I'll do it."

"Excellent," Sirius smirked.

"Do it now, in front of everyone," James said, gesturing towards the Slytherin table where the unfortunate soul was sitting with none other than… Regulus Black? Interesting…

"And if I do this, you'll burn and destroy evidence of that picture and never let Hermione know in any type of communication at all?" Remus asked, warily.

"Yes!" they chorused.

"Idon't trust you, but I'll do it," Remus said, sighing as he slowly, haltingly walked towards the Slytherin table.

"Do you have the camera?" James whispered.

"Of course I do!" Sirius said, handing it over to him.

"The day Remus Lupin kissed Snivellus… this is one for the Wall, Padfoot," James said, as Remus nervously approached Snape and Regulus.

Then…

Remus Lupin kissed Snivellus… for ten whole seconds.

Everyone in the entire Great Hall was shocked, until Snape threw Remus off of him and said, "Get off of me, jackass!"

Remus glared at Sirius and James, and he calmly walked over to Hermione, who was definitely wearing the, 'I want answers, and I want them now,' face.

"Relax, 'Mione. It was only a dare," he whispered, as normal conversation picked up again and the situation returned to normal.

"I'm just not going to ask," Hermione said, and when Remus leaned in to kiss her, she backed away and said, "Not until you boil your mouth!"

Remus rolled his eyes, but bit into a biscuit instead.

"You know I love you," he said.

"I love you too, Remus," she murmured.

Unfortunately for Remus, James and Sirius were far from finished.

"Attention, witches, wizards, and Mrs. Norris!" James bellowed, standing on top of the teacher's table, Sirius by his side.

"First, we would like to say a few words of appreciation to our teachers, who so kindly left the school to our bidding tonight," Sirius said, earning a round of applause from most students.

"Second, I would like to say that Lily Evans is the most incredible girlfriend ever, and I am very lucky to call her mine," James added, earning another round of applause and a blushing Lily.

"And before we get to our main agenda, we would like to bring Remus Lupin and Hermione Granger to the stage," Sirius said.

Confused, the two made their way up to the teacher's table.

"What's this about, James?" Remus hissed, glaring at him.

"As some of you may be aware, we are in a prank war with these two. In order to win, we must beat them," Sirius said.

"What are you getting at?" Hermione hissed.

"You must know by now, that we're a team, the two of us," James said, loudly.

"We always win," Sirius spoke.

"And we always deliver," James added.

"I've always wanted to be a magician, Prongs. What about you?"

"Wait, we're going with that one? I thought-" James whispered, caught offguard.

"Pleaseeeee, Prongs?" Sirius stage-whispered.

"Fine."

"Now, as I was saying… I have always wanted to be a magician. Not in the Wizard way, but the MUGGLE way. With fake tricks and stuff. So, with Prongs here as my sexy assistant, Remus and Hermione will be the subjects."

It was safe to say that the couple was horrified.

"Now, let my magic show begin!" And with a wave of his wand, Sirius started. He pulled Remus out of a hat, INSTEAD of a simple bunny. He had Hermione floating around the ceiling, and then came the vanishing trick.

"So, James will assist both Remus and Hermione into this box, which will vanish. When it reappears, they will be gone."

Waving his wand, the box vanished. And with another wave, it was back.

And the extremely unfortunate couple was not inside.

While Sirius held the audience's attention, James skillfully hung water balloons from the ceiling (with magic, of course). Surprisingly, the floating objects blended in well with the candles and clear night sky.

"ANDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD, VIOLA! They are here!" Sirius announced, and Remus and Hermione appeared.

Sirius then proceeded to do the trick where you cut up the victim – and they turn out to be okay.

"Now, this is a very tricky… trick. As you can see, Hermione is tied up and cannot move. I will put her in this box, then saw through it using my wand. When the box is cut through completely, Hermione will remain unharmed."

Sirius then did so, holding the audience's attention easily.

Removing the box, everyone could clearly see that Hermione was fine.

"That was my last trick. Thank you to my lovely, sexy assistant James, and to our volunteers, Remus and Hermione!"

Everyone clapped – Gryffindors especially as they hooted and whistled.

"Goodnight, and farewell, fellow classmates!" Sirius announced, bowing along with James. They cleared the stage, and on the count of one, two, three…

Water balloons fell from the stage, and landed on Remus and Hermione.

Maybe that prank was overdone, but it never got old.

"And now, let the party begin!" James shouted, and with a snap of his fingers, the tables in the Great Hall were moved to the side, and rap music blared throughout the room.

"Now this, is what I call a house party," Sirius said, and high fived James.

Remus and Hermione were still on the teacher's table.

"I'll kill them," Remus muttered, seething.

"Maybe we should just enjoy the party," Hermione murmured soothingly. "I'm getting tired of warring with them, to be honest."

"No, they aren't winning!" Remus glared. "Not this time."