Authors Note: In case you're super dense and didn't catch on, Remus does have a major crush on Sirius. I haven't decided if it will lead somewhere or not. If it becomes somehow relevant, perhaps I'll elaborate.

SsSsSsS

"Well, isn't this darling?" Malfoy purred with a smug smirk casting a predatory glance at Harry. Lily tried fretfully to calm him down, and reduced his cries into a weeping mew. Sirius wasn't positive, but he could have sworn the temperature in the room had dropped six degrees as James' icy glare permeated through tense atmosphere.

"Cut the shit Malfoy," he hissed. Lily gasped and covered Harry's ears casting James a disproving look. He swivelled towards her, his face noticeably apologetic in contrast to his previous expression. "Sorry Honey, It's just that it makes me so angry when these assholes- ugh, sorry again-"

"Where is Severus?" Malfoy interrupted now looking perturbed. He was standing very rigid. Sirius couldn't help but feel 'stick up your ass' was an excellent way to describe him at that moment. "I did not come here all the way from Africa to tour your unsightly house."

"Hey! I work damn hard to make this place look pleasant!" Lily growled, her fingers still placed over little Harry's head. Apparently she didn't take very well to anyone insulting her home-making skills, and especially not a Malfoy. "I'd like to see you buy an old house, replace the windows and doors, repaint it-"

"Once again, this conversation is getting painfully and increasingly less relevant." Lucius informed her, his cane tapping the floor impatiently. He searched the house with his eyes, as if expecting Snape to be camouflaged in the mist of the bright decor. He gagged in Malfoy offence as he caught sight of a musty deer head poking out from the wall with his antlers garnished with tinsel.

"Yeah, I told James to put that in the basement." Lily said catching his showy disgust.

"Stop trying to be friends with him Lils!" James hissed causing Lucius to raise an eyebrow. "He's on the list of our mortal enemies."

"I think the house looks nice." Remus interrupted with a good-natured smile. His wand hand relaxed slightly as he faced at Lily. "And your new doors look great." he added.

"Aw, thank you Remus." Lily replied looking pleased. Sirius noticed she had uncovered Harry's ears in her gratitude. " I was watching the television and this man in flannel was installing doors on the home network channel. I thought to myself, 'that doesn't look so hard', so I went out and-"

"Pardon," Malfoy said so frostily he made the blizzard outside look like a heat-wave. " But we're talking to me right now. I believe I asked you a question concerning Severus' whereabouts." Malfoy said through clenched teeth. Lily was slightly taken aback at the viciousness of his interruption.

"Woah," Sirius said to James with a smirk. "Someone's got a case of 'only-child-syndrome'. Better make another baby mate, or Harry will be demanding all eyes on him when he's 20-something. "

"Harry is not going to grow up an attention-monger!" James replied looking offended, waving his wand in a fury. "Why would you say that? How could you compare my child to Snape's bratty, sinister boyfriend?"

"If I have to ask again I will become violent." Lucius snarled casting a dark look at Lily and Harry.

"He's upstairs." Lily said coldly. "James will show you."

James glared at Malfoy, the back of his pajamas soaked through and grabbed his wand off the mantle. He straightened himself up, casting a look at the room with a serious glance, despite the wood-chips that fell to the floor with every step.

"Let's go." He said, his voice rougher and deeper than usual. Malfoy smirked, finding James' intended bravado less intimidating and more in the realm of entertaining. He walked up the stairs, James trailing behind him, his wand gripped hard in his palm.

"That man gives me chills." Remus said letting out a breath he had been holding in. "I always feel like he's just waiting for the right moment to kill me."

"We could take him down easy." Sirius huffed. He recalled the memory of the kind, gentle Lucius he had witnessed months before with some agony. They seemed like two entirely different people.

"Let's hope things don't come to that...he's going to be your...cousin-husband-in-law." Remus said screwing up his face. "Well," he added with a smile and a shrug. "the family reunions sure will be interesting."

"Ugh- my family tree is starting to loop within itself! I hate the Ministry!" Sirius growled throwing up his hands. " I mean, I would gladly marry you Moony over Snape! Why couldn't they have set me up with you?"

Remus looked slightly embarrassed and shoved a mouthful of cold eggs in his mouth. He shrugged, then cleared his throat as Sirius nervously started opening a present that was addressed to Harry.

"Shoes?" Sirius sighed looking at the little booties. "Come on Lily, a boy needs toys!"

"Harry has plenty of toys, thanks to you. Any more and it'd look like he owned the house." She giggled. "Malfoy is a jerk but he's not all bad. Just a little rough around the edges...and arrogant...and a bit of a snobbish prat. And I think my home looks nice," She said putting her hands on her hips. " I bet I decorate much better than Narcissa! I mean, it's not like we have unlimited budgeting and an army of house elves at our every whim and fancy!"

"Lily, the house looks amazing. He was just being a git." Sirius soothed. " And believe me, Narcissa's house-decorating skills are absolutely horrid. Last time I was forced to visit their home, I saw her put this ugly puke-green rug on the floor. I suppose she thought it was an antique or something, but it was really just old and raggedy. It was a tragedy." Sirius said. Of course the story wasn't true considering he'd never stepped into the Malfoy Manor a day in his life nor would he ever be invited if he could help it.

"Puke green?" She tittered. Her laugh suggested she didn't quite believe his tale.

"The pukest green I've ever laid eyes on." Sirius swore with a very solemn, straight face. Her smile brightened visibly.

Everyone looked to the stairway as James came down, alone, rubbing the side of his head and holding what looked like a tub of chai tea mix. His face was slightly red and he looked angered as he joined the group. He sat on the couch, his ass crinkling a wad of wrapping paper.

"Where are they?" Remus asked looking worried. "Are you okay?"

"They wanted to be alone." James huffed setting down his wand and the chai tea tub (that Sirius had given to Snape as a present) on the table. "When I told them no, Snape got pissed and threw this at me."

"Ah Ha!" Sirius shouted pointing a finger at James. Everyone jumped at the sudden boom of sound. "So, Snivellus did unwrap it! You are all my witnesses!" Sirius declared with a triumphant smile.

"Yeah. And he threw it away. Literally." James spat looking increasingly annoyed as everyone else chuckled into their laps. "I left before Malfoy and Snape started queering in front of me."

"James!" Lily said covering Harry's ears once more. "That's a horrible thing to say! They're in love!"

"Ew!" Sirius and James shouted in unison.

"Oh please, you're marrying a boy." Lily rolled her eyes at Sirius. "Don't act like a prude."

"Broads." Sirius sighed. "They always like that gay stuff." He said exasperated. "I'll never understand it. Right Moony?"

"I think it's nice Severus has someone to care for him. Even if it is a horrible, low-lifed, sadistic, louse of an evil bastard like Malfoy." Remus said into his tea cup.

"Damn." James said Sirius' eye and grinning.

"What do you think they're doing up there?" Lily asked.

"OH come ON!" Sirius shouted lifting up another present. "Please lets not start talking about that."

"I didn't mean anything sexual." Lily sighed. "But if you think that's a possibility I'll wash the bed sheets when they leave."

"Ew!" Sirius and James shouted in unison for the second time.

"Pretty strong feelings coming from someone who will be having relations with Snape in a couple of months." Lily reminded him darkly as she started opening a present.

"Ew!" James interjected, only this time it was only his voice. He turned to Sirius, eyebrows raised. "Hey Padfoot, why so silent? Starting to like the slime-ball?" He teased.

"Fuck no, Prongs. I gave him a Christmas present, not a bloody Valentine." Sirius scowled. "It was a disgusted into silence, if you must know."

"You gave him my Christmas present." Remus reprimanded as he picked up the tea off the table. Sirius noticed it now had a good sized dent in it. "I picked this out with you last Saturday at the organic market."

"Er, really? Are you sure?" Sirius said shuffling over to the couch and leaned over Remus' shoulder. "Oh yeah...uh...Merry Christmas."

"Thanks." Remus laughed before settling it down near his other gifts.

Sirius had just stumbled toward the tree and started opening his present from James when Snape and Malfoy started down the stairs. Snape was dressed in a classy all black ensemble replacing his grey night-gown, and Lucius swept down the stairway looking careful not to trip over his long robes. Sirius secretly hoped he would, imagining the sharp corner on the coffee table impaling his dark, twisted, Snape-loving heart.

"You look nice Severus." Lily complimented, shooting a meaningful look at Sirius.

Lucius huffed his disapproval, as if a compliment from anyone such as Lily was reason to be cross. Snape seemed to be paying close attention to his partners reaction and followed suit sneering at her with irritation.

"Going to a funeral?" Sirius drawled, shooting daggers at Malfoy. He told himself his outburst was for Lily's sake and not only because he felt hatred towards Malfoy was bubbling over in his stomach.

"If we're lucky." Lucius replied cooly returning his gaze, rightfully interpreting the fire behind Sirius' eyes.

"Will you be back here for dinner?" Lily asked Snape, uncowed by Lucius' disposition.

"He's going to a formal dinner," Lucius said silkily. "and will not return to take part in your inane frivolous activities. Never the less, I will have him home at midnight."

"Did you boys want a slice of pie?" She offered. James threw up his hands in exasperation and he pocketed his wand with a scoff. He felt his role of protector being severely undermined next to his pacifying wife.

"Severus, I am at a loss." Lucius sighed dramatically as he turned his back to the group. "I have given her all the information on this evenings plans, and she still asks questions. How do you get the woman to be quiet?"

At the mention of the title "the woman" James eagerly whipped out his wand again, awaiting Lily's signal. Snape chewed his bottom lip and slowly shifted his attention towards her and for a quick instant he winced as he caught sight of her dead expression. He regained composure before slowly responding, "I'm not certain, it's never been an issue before."

Sirius gleefully coughed "wrong answer" in his hand as Lily unwrapped pot-holders with ferocious intensity. She never once blinked as she bore into Snape with a furiously indignant look. Snape seemed to pick up on what Sirius' horribly hidden comment meant and shrank closer towards Lucius, picking invisible lint off his partners tunic while avoiding any eye contact with the other side of the room.

"Shall we go, or are you not finished pawing at my shoulder?" Lucius asked Snape, questionably oblivious to the drama around him.

"Yes, lets." Snape replied without hesitation. In his rush he did not forget to shoot Sirius and James his routine look of utter loathing before scampering off to the fireplace.

Sirius sheathed his wand back into his pants pocket as the pair disappeared into the harmless, green flames. The absence of Snape made him breathe easier, knowing he would no longer be held to any responsible or standard and could safely enjoy the holiday.

"Can you believe those two? Shut me up indeed!" Lily fumed, hugging Harry close to her. "How dare they treat me like I'm some- some screaming banshie!"

"Yeah, if he thinks you're loud now, he should have seen you when you were hormonal and pregnant with-." James rambled sensing danger in his wife's narrowing eyes. "I mean, a pretty girl like you a banshie? Pishaw. You speak in normal volume and you're everything a guy could want. What a wonderful-"

"Okay James." Lily sighed, disarming her negative mood. She got up with Harry and disappeared into the kitchen with intentions of cooking dinner.

"Who's cares about those prats? Good riddance to bad company." Sirius yawned trying to lighten the spirit. He plopped down on a lounge-chair full of Remus' new clothes and stretched his legs, kicking boxes and wrapping paper to side. "Aw shit. I forgot the wine. I left it out on the counter." He reminded himself.

"We've got plenty here mate." James replied flicking his wand. It was a useful little spell as the mess they had made started cleaning itself up.

"Yeah, but this is special wine. Like, elf-made stuff." Sirius said lifting his legs as a random box floated into a trash-bag. " I had a glass once at a party, and let me tell you, those elves must have been wasted all the time."

Sirius saw James' interest peek. They had often spent many-a-night getting drunk and playing stupid games. Christmas was just another excuse to do that; and it was always more fun when Remus joined them. Lily often said they were the silliest, happiest drunks she'd ever met, and although their brainless trio could get irritating, the stories that followed were often worth the headache.

"Let's go get it before Malfoy and Snape come home." James said pushing Sirius to the fireplace.

SsSsSsS

The house hadn't any lights on, and the blinds were shut, making the surroundings completely dark. Sirius was relieved and felt this was a good sign that no one had arrived before them. James casted 'lumos' and Sirius had to clamp a hand over his mouth to keep from shouting. There were at least 50 boxes neatly wrapped in different shades of shiny wrapping paper.

"They're all from Malfoy!" James hissed picking a couple up and reading the label. "I think he out-bought you Padfoot."

"What a freak, who would give Snievllus presents?" Sirius replied sourly.

"You maybe." James replied with a smirk. He dodged Sirius' punch to the arm with his expert Seeker reflexes.

"I gave him chai tea- this is, " Sirius said waving to the boxes, "this is obscene. He's obviously trying to buy Snape's affections."

"So?" James shrugged. He was visually more relaxed about the situation then his friend, which was irritating Sirius then he would like to admit.

"So-" Sirius started, but saw James' eyebrow raise, "-what? So what? I don't care."

"Do you-" James asked shifting uncomfortably.

"No!" Sirius barked cutting him off. "I just think it's annoying- Malfoy's annoying. And Snape!"

"He didn't...do anything to you last night, did he?" James said searching his face. "You didn't drink any potions or anything?"

"NO!" Sirius repeated louder then he meant to, his face starting to burn. "Why are you asking me this? Nevermind- don't answer that."

A collection of thumps ended any indulgence in their conversation, and Sirius recognised the sound to be coming from the basement. James turned to him, curiously studying the surprised look his friend was omitting. Both he and Sirius knew it was earlier than midnight, and if the pair of men had come home to a place where Sirius would most likely to lurk something had gone wrong. James watched him hold a single finger to his lips, motioning for quiet as they heard Snape's door open.

"Why was she there?" they heard Snape snarl as his stomped into the kitchen. They listened to Malfoy's cane rap on the laminated floor before they tip-toed over the many gifts littered on the ground.

"She happens to be family Severus." Lucius said impatiently. It was clear over the tone of voices used Snape was upset over something and Malfoy was treating it as rather insignificant. "She's a Black, if you don't recall. Well, a Lestrange now I suppose."

"She's a bitch." Snape replied with venom. Sirius and James exchanged intrigued expressions, they had never heard Snape talk about anyone with as much loathing other then themselves.

"You're overreacting." Lucius informed him. "I'm aware that you and Bellatrix are not on good terms, but I didn't think you'd go into such a fit we'd have to leave early. You're really trying my patience today."

"She knows I'm sleeping with you." Snape said cooly. "She wouldn't stop calling me 'a home-wrecking pouf' in front of your wife. And to make matters worse, she thinks I'm love with her damnable cousin!"

"But you're not." Lucius said tersely. "So who cares? Nothing she says is to be taken seriously. She's a little crazy anyway."

"Isn't that the truth." Sirius thought as childhood memories of his cousin kicking garden gnomes for sport flooded his mind.

"You would care if it was your reputation being sullied around your peers."

"Don't be naive Severus." Lucius sighed. "Narcissa already knows we're together. She's not thrilled about it but she doesn't hold it against you. She knows I'm irresistible."

"You and Black have more things in common then you realise- especially the size of your ego concerning self-image."

"You're not nearly as amusing as you think you are, Severus Snape." Lucius retorted.

"And you're not nearly as useful." Shot back with intensity. Sirius watched James smile, enjoying the little tiff. " You said you could have that abomination of a marriage revoked by now."

"I've made countless visits to the Ministry, and I've taken a great many pains to come as far as I have." Lucius replied, this time with a tired sort of anger. "The result is always the same; they're scared to break off a spell in the middle of it's workings. Surely even you know how dangerous it can be to cut off magic while in motion."

"I'll take the risk." Snape replied in a growl.

"Merlin, you're so morbid lately!" Lucius tutted.

"Says the man who skinned a muggle alive." Snape drawled.

"It was a very entertaining story everyone wanted to hear."

"You are suggesting that 'everyone' is referring to Bellatrix, correct?"

"Humph, are you able to talk about anyone else? Surely you don't have some fascination with her Severus? She hates the very ground you walk on, but I bet I could set something up-"

"Shut up." Snape said in a temper. "You know I don't want to be with anyone other than you."

"Spoken like a true romantic." Lucius said sarcastically. "Anyway, how are you going to get Black to sign that marriage certificate? You know he won't agree to you marrying me willingly."

"That remains to be seen." Snape said.

Sirius felt James' hand grip tightly around his arm. A floating feeling of adrenaline shook through him- Snape couldn't marry Malfoy without his consent. It was like the heavens had opened and handed him a sacred gift. It was the ultimate payback- and Snape had unknowingly provided him with all the ammunition he needed.

"They like drama, don't they?" James whispered into Sirius ear. He grinned implishy, flashing his perfect white teeth. "This is great, Snape will be crushed."

"We should go. We can save the elf wine for the day I see Snape's heart break when he finds out he'll never marry Malfoy." Sirius chuckled. James covered his mouth, and laughed breathlessly into his chest.

The boxes that spread across the floor to the fireplace was like a very inconvenient mine field. Through all his dancing around Sirius couldn't get the excitement of treading down Snape's hopes for the Malfoy marriage that was never to be. He nearly tripped, underestimating the space between two packages, but thankfully James had steadied him at the last moment before pulling him to the mantle.

"We say nothing about this to Lily. You know how sensitive she is when it comes to Snivellus." James reminded him in a whisper.

"Can Remus know?" Sirius asked.

James furrowed his brow in thought for a moment before responding slowly, "Only if he asks. He might hate Malfoy enough not to lecture us on this, but he might also think we're being mean."

"Which we're not." Sirius huffed.

"Oh, I agree." James insisted grabbing the floo powder, careful not to make a sound. Sirius couldn't help but smirk. He was finally going to avenge his flying motorcycle.

SsSsSsS

Snape was being an asshole.

Sirius had gone downstairs in great spirits considering he'd spent most of the night thinking of the most hurtful way to break the news to Snape he'd never marry anyone but himself. However, Snape seemed to be revelling in his own mind games. As Sirius went downstairs to grab himself some breakfast, he saw that every package Malfoy had given him the night before was blocking the doorway.

"What is all this shit?" Sirius scowled, kicking a box that sent it flying. It slammed into the corner, and he heard something shatter. His intentions were to irritate Snape with the gesture, but he was too absorbed unwrapping a small blood-red present at the table.

"Oh. You're here are you?" Snape asked with a smirk holding up a very nice crystal bottle. Malfoy was probably replacing all the potions supplies Sirius had destroyed. "Sorry about the mess. Lucius tends to be a little out-of-control with his generosity. He can afford such nice things..." Snape trailed off. "By the way, I don't drink chai tea. But it would only be polite to thank you for providing me with something to clobber your idiot of a friend Potter with. Did he get brain damage?"

Sirius kicked away another group of boxes and howled as something heavily jammed into his foot. Malfoy must have also bought him a bowling ball.

"Pity." Snape said with a twisted smile, enjoying Sirius hold his throbbing toes. "Did you have a nice Christmas?"

"Did you?" Sirius snarled, limping to the cupboard and getting himself a glass of water.

"It's getting better as we speak." Snape replied grabbing another package off the crowded table. " I only got presents from one person really...," he said twisting in his seat and locking eyes with Sirius, " It's hard not to be jealous when other's are friends with someone as prestigious as a werewolf." He mocked. He studied Sirius' upstart before turning his back on him, unravelling an intricate bow.

"Remus understands that there's more to life than material things, you selfish bastard." Sirius replied, resisting the urge to spill water down Snape's back.

"Oh right." Snape said his dark eyes glittering. "I suppose he really splurged this year; gave you envelope full of coupons, am I correct? Or was it something more...intimate?"

"In your sick, disgusting dreams, Snivellus." Sirius said taking a sip. The water tasted a little foul, much like his mood. He saw Snape flinch a little at the nickname, but he looked to be holding back, as if he were picking his battles.

"Is it really all in my head?" Snape said sceptically as he pulled free a top of a box. He hastily put the top back on as Sirius stumbled towards the opposite side of the table.

"Yeah, it is." Sirius replied eager to change the subject. "What was that?"

"Nothing." Snape said shoving the box under his seat, out of Sirius' reach.

"A dildo or something?"

"You're an idiot!" Snape snapped looking irritated. "Lucius wouldn't give me something so low-class as a sex toy."

"Everyone's got their fetishes." Sirius said with a smile. "Like wearing their partner's used underwear."

"Perhaps you should go change them." Snape suggested with narrowed eyes. "And refrain from telling me your obtuse sexual rituals in the future."

"Speaking of partner, guess what?" Sirius said slapping away the tower of gifts like an enraged godzilla. "It's just you and me, baby."

"What?" Snape said softly.

"I'm not signing that marriage certificate. You know," Sirius said leaning back in his chair. "the one that states only I can give you permission to marry your precious, generous, sex-crazed Lucius." he said in mock pouting. Snape's face blanched, his hands griping the table so hard his knuckles were white. "Oops, you didn't think I knew about that, did you?"

"You can't deny me the right to marry him." Snape said shakily, looking as if he were about to puke. "You don't even care about me."

"You're right. I don't." Sirius said flippantly. "I hate you. And I want to hate you all to myself."

"So." Snape said, his lips trembling, "This is how it is, is it?"

"Hm. Looks like." Sirius said. "Here you go, hubby." he said tossing a small gift that Snape let skid across the table and fall onto the floor.

"I'll do anything." Snape said unblinking. "Anything you ask."

Sirius nearly fell out of his chair. He had expected Snape to go into some sort of hysterics, as history had shown that was normal behaviour for him. The calm, shaking man before him was surveying him quite seriously and ready to pounce at his very request.

"Sure, you can do something. Not marry Malfoy." Sirius said, before laughing loudly. His laughter echoed without any outside noise, and Sirius felt it deaden. He found the way Snape's pale, solemn face had not flinched creepy. "I don't want anything from you." He said perturbed.

But Snape still hadn't blinked, his dark eyes drilling into him. Sirius shifted in his seat, wondering if Snape was trying to practice some well-reherased dark art.

"Anything?" Sirius found himself asking. He kicked himself mentally for his weakness. James would never understand why he folded to Snape's will, but then again, James wasn't sitting opposite to the most eerily desperate looking man in the world.

"Yes." Snape said without any ounce of emotion. Damn him.

"Alright. Get a piece of parchment and the certificate." Sirius ordered. Snape rose from his seat, turned on his heel and left the kitchen.

Sirius bit his hand and swore. He was too soft for his own good. Here he was, letting Snape manipulate him, and for what? He thought hard. What would he make Snape do? Something dangerous? Humiliating? It had to be something he good- he would probably never get this chance again.

Snape returned, not looking anxious or overjoyed as Sirius plucked the certificate out his hand. Narcissa had signed it a month ago, he saw with some interest. He pulled out his wand and tapped the parchment, muttering a few words before clearing his throat, importantly.

"You're willing to do whatever I say, right?" Sirius asked. Snape nodded in confirmation taking his usual seat. Sirius tilted his head down and started writing on the spelled parchment. He was wrong, there was something he wanted from Snape, and it was a very big something he was relieved he wouldn't have to do. He re-read it, making sure there wasn't any loop-holes before handing it to the shell of a man sitting across from him.

Snape read every line quietly, but couldn't stop the flicker of astonishment from passing over his face. He slowly grabbed a quill, hovering it where he was to sign his name. Sirius did the same, trying not to smile as Snape peered up at him through his dirty hair.

"I'll sign when you sign." Sirius informed him. Snape looked suspicious and distrustful at this prospect, but started to scrawl his name in the margin.

Sirius signed the certificate, and laughed. He tore the parchment out of Snape's hand and started to write an address to the Ministry on an envelope. He held up the letter with glee and read,

" I agree that after the forced marriage between Sirius Black and Severus Snape, it will not be Sirius Black who is to be impregnated with the required child, but I, Severus Snape." Sirius sang.

Snape sneered, hunching his shoulders and silently fuming.

"Cheer up Snivellus." Sirius said shoving it in the already stuffed envelope. "I'll even let you pick out the name."

Snape got up from the table, kicking packages out of his way before slamming his door shut.

"Let's see..." Sirius said reaching under Snape's seat and grabbing the package he had placed under there. He lifted the top and couldn't help but laugh. It was a box holding photos of Lucius posing in his underwear. "What a queer."

SsSsSsS

Authors Note: I almost didn't add that last part in the chapter, but I felt you guys at least deserved it for being so patient. In case you're wondering, I really don't have any clue when this story ends. I never write with endings in mind...which might explain why I hardly ever write them. (Hmmm...)

I'm loving the reviews. I understand how people stop reviewing after a certain point, but your response is appreciated.