Authors Note: This is by far one of the longest fan fictions I've ever written. I've frustrated myself (and most likely you) with the habit of never finishing a fiction. But this one is...okay, not nearly complete, but I have a shitload of it already written. I guess I'll post if I get a good enough response.

SsSsSsS

"I'm sorry Prongs," Sirius said interrupting James in yet another amazing story about Harry, "I adore the kid, I do, but I gotta eat my breakfast."

James shrugged, grabbing a cup of tea off the counter. He was leafing through the pages of the daily prophet in the bright, sunny morning. Sirius felt at ease being in the Potters house; unlike his own, and spent at the least four days out of the week visiting.

"More appeals." James mumbled looking amused at an article of upset grooms and brides. "Wouldn't fancy being picked for another marriage."

"Not likely." Sirius yawned toying with his eggs. "You're already pro-creating. There's no need to assign you another mate."

"What about you?" James said with a cheeky grin. "Not in your plans to get one of those scarlet letters with white trim from the Ministry I suppose?"

"Merlin shoot me if it was in the beak of a owl flying in my direction." Sirius barked. "I don't need anyone telling me who to mate and spend my days with."

"The numbers of wizards must be really low." James added frowning. "I know we took a turn for the worse, but the magic in families is really dwindling. I think Harry is showing signs of strong magic. Last night he-"

James looked up to see Sirius with a horrified expression. A swift breeze whizzed past his right ear and a small, tawny owl perched on the kitchen table, right in the middle of Sirius' breakfast. In it's beak held a scarlet letter with white, frilly lace.

Sirius, shakily grabbed the letter from the owls beak and made no movement as the owl flew out of the room and exited via chimney.

"It's for me." Sirius said brushing the hair out of his eyes. James put down his tea with a clatter, spilling it all over the counter as he rushed to his friends side. "I'm going to get married." said Sirius in a hollow, distant voice.

"Open it." James prodded, his face no longer portraying the handsome, joking features of that morning.

"I can't." Sirius said dropping the letter on the table. He eyed it with dread before turning towards James with an oddly panicked demeanor. "You open it."

"Are you sure?" James asked holding the letter in his hands.

"Just do it." Sirius said his face unreadable.

James slowly ripped open the envelope which was clearly written to Sirius Black in a loopy black pen. The paper was cream colored and slipped out easily as James carefully read every line with pursed lips.

"Well?" Sirius said with obvious concern at his friends silence.

"Sirius," James answered in a disembodied calm gaining his wits, "I don't know how to break this to you, so I'll just say it." He turned to his friend, now wildly alarmed, and took a deep breath. " You're supposed to marry Snape."

James watched as Sirius turned a bloodless shade of white and his expressions regulated from shock to anger. He tore the letter from James' hands roughly and his eyes spilled over the text eagerly.

"No." Sirius softly choked. "This is a sick joke. I can't marry Snape. I can't marry a man-- much less Snape. It's just bloody rotten of them to-"

"You can appeal." James said staring at the letter.

"What good will that do me!?" Sirius shouted jumping out of his chair causing it to fall to the floor with a bang. "Look at those poor sodding people with their appeals--" he wailed grabbing the Daily Prophet. "Do you think anyone cares!?"

"Look I'm just trying to help you! I know you're upset, this is mad even-" James said picking up the chair.

"You're bloody right it's mad!" Sirius screamed hysterically waving the Prophet. "I'm marrying my childhood enemy! Of all the damn wizards and witches in the UK-- I have to marry Snape!"

"Talk to them okay?" James said taking Sirius by the shoulders. "Maybe you won't have to marry him."

Sirius slowly slid to the floor as he let the Prophet slip through his fingers. He closed his eyes and hit the back of his head against the counter. James kneeled down, intensely concerned.

"It's hopeless." said Sirius opening his eyes and looking out the window into the cheery green yard. "The appeal will do us no good you know."

"Don't say that." James begged.

"I've heard of stories like this happening James. No one has ever successfully appealed an arranged marriage. This match was made in magic, you can't break it." Sirius breathed. "There's nothing I can do. I just have to marry the evil, greasy sod."

"No one takes these marriages seriously. And it's not like you can't be with anybody else." James replied.

"Merlin, I can only imagine what he looks like now." Sirius rambled scrunching up his nose. "Maybe we can kill him." He said turning towards James. "You know he's got to be knee deep in Dark Arts by now. They wouldn't make me marry a Death Eater."

"I'm pretty sure they check for those things before they match you up Padfoot." James sighed.

"This is what I get for not getting hitched like you." Sirius laughed mirthlessly.

"And rid the world of England's most notorious bachelor?" James said with a shaky laugh. "Who knows? Maybe it can be like old times. We can torment him all the time like we used to. You can force him to wash his hair now- you're his fiance."

"His fiance." Sirius sighed burying his face in his hands. "Merlin, this is balls."

"I'm sure he's not thrilled about the news either." James replied standing up. "Come on, we have to report to the Ministry to set up a wedding date. If you don't show you get them barging through your front door. I don't want to explain to Lily why our house is full of angry wizards."

"When is Lily coming back with Harry?" Sirius asked.

"Not sure. I'll leave a message." James said.

"Be sure to keep her up to date. 'Sirius is marrying childhood git, be back soon.'" Sirius huffed.

"I'll think of something. Right now, we have to take care of this." James said picking Sirius off of the floor.

SsSsSsS

The waiting room was full of young witches and wizards. Some were crying, others looked extremely pleased, and of course most was looking nervous. James tried not to stare at a young girl who was already wearing a wedding gown while another young man kept shouting, 'this is a mistake' to anyone who glanced in his direction.

A strict looking witch with thick red glasses called people from the crowd to go behind a very large door. The crowd was noisy, but every time the woman with red glasses walked out, people anxiously waited to hear their name called.

"Do you think he'll show up?" Sirius asked after waiting two hours in the uncomfortable room.

"I don't know. I haven't seen him- but then again, I didn't know we were looking for him." James replied. He scanned the room swiftly but it was near impossible to pick out individuals in a crowd that size.

The large door opened and the attendant walked out causing the room to go into an immediate hush.

"Sirius Black... Severus Snape!" She bellowed.

James' jaw clenched as Sirius made his way to the door and he saw the familiar gate of Snape push through the crowd. If Sirius was angry, Snape looked absolutely beside himself with fury. Every movement and feature within his being looked twisted and loathing as he set his eyes upon Sirius.

Sirius returned the look with equal intensity as Snape wordlessly slipped through the door. He hadn't bothered to keep it open for Sirius to walk though.

"I'll meet you back at the house." Sirius said to James as he followed the assistant. Sirius kept his eyes forward as he walked the long curved hallway.

His focus was on Snape, who had not changed much from last he saw him. He was still skinny with sallow skin, and his hair was limp and greasy. His nose was outlandishly huge, and he still wore the same ugly, angry expression. It was clear Snape still wanted him to drop dead.

Sirius was led into a small office room. Snape sat down in the chair closest to the door, his arms crossed and giving the ministry official a scathing look. Sirius remained standing and the wizard finally looked up, papers in hand, with a small smile.

"Ah, Misters Snape and Black." He acknowledged nodding his head. "Thank you so much for coming."

"I'm filing for an appeal." Snape snapped nastily. "Is there some sort of office here I go to get that done? No use wasting time when I can file it in one trip."

"Ha ha. I see." The Ministry official replied unfazed. "Well in the meantime, I'm afraid I can't let you leave until we pick out a wedding date."

"There isn't going to be a wedding." Sirius growled. "I don't know what crackpot you have playing match-maker, but you better be able to come up with something better then this!" he shouted waving his hand at Snape.

"Listen, there is nothing we can do. These are the rules." The official said in a calm voice. "You're just going to have to bite the bullet. Now, do you want to be married in the spring or the fall?"

"I can't marry him! I hate him!" Sirius added, his hands gripping the desk. "Anybody else. PLEASE! Match me up with somebody else!"

"Surely even your incompetent organization can match up two people who don't absolutely loathe each other." Snape spat letting his hatred wash over.

"Very well, that's twenty years in Azkaban minimum. You were chosen for your bloodlines. Being matched with a pureblood produces an 80 chance of magical offspring. Of course, purebloods are harder to come by-"

"OFFSPRING!?" Snape roared springing out of his seat, spit flying from his mouth. "YOU. CAN'T. BE. SERIOUS!"

"Enough!" The official shouted finally losing his cool and looking completely frazzled. "You think you're the first to cause me grief? I've been doing this for three straight months. Go ahead, file your appeal-- but in the meantime expect yourselves to be married with at least one child on the way. If not then say goodbye to friends and family and we'll ship you off to be with the dementors."

Sirius looked over at Snape and saw he was shaking furiously with clenched fists. The official took a deep breath and shoved a piece of paper in front of them.

"Spring or Fall?"

"Spring." Sirius mumbled eager to get the paper out of his face.

"Will you both be keeping your last names or do you want them changed?"

"I'm keeping mine." Sirius scowled.

Snape said nothing but continued to look murderously at the official as he filled out paper work.

"You will be getting a dowery from the Ministry, a new house in the neighborhood of your choosing and a seven day honeymoon of any location."

"Do we have to pay for our honeymoon in Hell, or is that complimentary?" Snape hissed.

"Most wedding expenses will be covered by the Ministry." The official said ignoring Snape's comment. "We'll send you a wedding planner so you know exactly how much money everything is. Also, it would be appreciated if you gave us a guest list in advance. Since both your parents are living, we'll be needing their signatures--"

"My parents will not be showing up." Snape said waspishly. "Nor anyone I respect enough to witness this tragedy."

"Ignore him, his parents had high hopes he'd marry a nice Jewish boy." Sirius mocked.

"I am NOT gay!" Snape growled clenching his teeth.

"Oh please, those rumors of you being the ultimate closet-case are still floating around Hogwarts." Sirius said with a grin. He was satisfied to see Snape blanche but it was replaced quickly with a look of pure hatred.

"You won't touch me, you disgusting reprobate." Snape said looking murderous.

"Wouldn't dream of it, Snivellus, you're absolutely disgusting." Sirius retorted.

Snapes lip quivered as he muttered obscenities; the official didn't seem to notice or care, much to Sirius' distaste.

"Alright, your wedding is booked for the 18 of May." He said cheerfully handing Snape a paper with wedding bells on it. Snape allowed it to drop on the floor, as he had seem to lost most of his motor functions.

"Wait-- here's the neighborhood I want to live in." Sirius interrupted quickly jotting down James and Lily's address. "You can do that for me, right? Godric's Hollow."

"I'll just type it in." The official chirped typing into a computer that had no wires. He looked relieved to receive some positive feedback. " We'll owl you the address, and you both can move in before the weekend."

"And if I refuse?" Snape spat.

"We'll see it as a breach of contract."

"I didn't sign shit." Snape scowled, trembling. "This is a stunning piece of tyranny you've managed to push on the wizarding population."

"Well you can always file for an appeal. That's well within your right." The official said cooly. "Second door on the left by the way."

Snape gnashed his teeth before kicking his chair over and marching out of the door. Sirius could only imagine what sort of terrible thoughts was running through his mind.

"What horrible manners. He's lucky to be with anyone at all, with that kind of attitude." said the official shaking his head.

"Fuck off." Sirius spat getting up from his chair. "Asshole." he added for good measure.

SsSsSsS

It was no surprise to Sirius that he was questioned thoroughly before his first step in the Potter household. On the way there, he contemplated the Azkaban lifestyle, but couldn't stand the thought of saying goodbye to his friends. As he opened the door, he was shocked, if not a little touched, to find Lily in tears and Remus looking very worried from the living room couch. James had been waiting at the door, eager to get first word about what had happened in the Ministry office.

"We've just been told." Lily sniffled. "I'm so sorry Sirius! You should be free to marry someone you love!"

"Yeah, well it gets worse," Sirius said crossing his arms. "The ministry official told us we need to produce offspring. Shit if I know how we will do that."

James looked sick and opened his mouth to say something but Remus shook his head firmly to shut him up.

"When is the wedding?" Remus asked gravely.

"The 18 of May, next year. Although I think there's a good chance you guys will be the only one's coming. Snape made it clear he isn't bringing any family-- or friends if he has any." Sirius mumbled.

"I doubt it." James huffed.

"We got a house." Sirius added as he walked into the kitchen. Everyone followed listening intently. "I requested we get one on this street. I don't think Snape knows you live here or he would have put up a huge fuss."

"How was he?" Lily asked a slight note of concern in her voice as she picked up baby Harry.

"Ha- you should have seen him. All pale and trembling, being typical Snivellus-- a total git-- nothing has changed. I think he was too enraged to realize half of what was going on." Sirius scoffed. "Not that I blame him, I don't want to marry the bastard either."

"So they just gave you a house to live in?" Remus questioned, "That seems hardly fair for a lifetime of marriage along with the order to procreate."

Sirius couldn't help wincing and chose to ignored Remus' comment. James looked as if one of his close friends had died, and Lily was hastily pushing Harry's hand away as he tried pulling her hair.

"The Ministry is paying for the wedding. They're sending a planner." Sirius mumbled as he sat at the table. "I just know Snape is going to be a pain in the arse about it. But maybe if they witness how horrible we are for each other, they'll realize what a huge mistake they've made."

"Lets hope so." James sighed.