I do not own Naruto. And I never will. Duh, this is a disclaimer.
"Itachi, I need you. NOW." The akatsuki leader's voice floated out from under Itachi's pillow. His pillow?? Itachi sat up without a sleepy groan, no blinking sleep from eyes, nothing. He just sat up, as cooly as his leader's voice came from beneath his head every morning. And he was a morning person. HOW UNHUMAN CAN UCHIHA ITACHI BE???????
Itachi didn't voice a reply. It would just disturb Kisame, who was sleeping in the bunk underneath him.
Kisame made a funny noise that slightly resembled a snore, but it also sounded like he was throwing up, sneezing, coughing, and trying to wolf whistle at the same time. Darn those gills.
Itachi slid out of his bunk and pulled on his robes with the red clouds. He walked out just as he heard Kisame mutter, "I'm hypoallerginic to bananas. Please don't feed me any fish, it doesn't look good with plaid." Moron.
The Akatsuki leader was waiting for him, sitting in the sadly too small kitchen. "Morning, Itachi."
Itachi nodded. "What is it." It was a statement, not a question. He never asked questions if he could help it. It made him sound...so cheery.
"I have recieved a notice from the Konoha Hospital. They requested you, immediately."
Itachi was taken aback, but managed to sound uncareing as he said, "Oh. Reallly."
"You need to go there immediately. Something to do with another Uchiha. Uchiha Sasuke?" The leader raised his eyebrows. "Maybe you could get him to join Akatsuki, eh?"
Itachi snorted. "No way. Sasuke is too, good-hearted. He has more emotion than a lollipop left out to melt on a sidewalk. If lollipops had emotions, and if a kid was so suger-wary to leave one on a sidewalk."
The leader shrugged. "Just go to Konoha and come back, okay? I don't really care what happens as long as it doesn't affect, and/or benefits us in someway."
Itachi suppresed a sigh. Because sighs meant emotion. and Itachi's ultimate goal in life was to become EMO!! Actually, his ultimate goal in life was to become UNEMO!!!! With means an emotionless robot.
Itachi stopped in his room for his nifty straw hat, and then left quickly, not wanting to listing to another one of Kisame's slightly sick snores and mutterings. "MMMMmmm, and nice chocolate sundae with extra monkey's on top, don't kill the whales."
He jumped into across the river and into the trees, quickening his speed. He just wished that this was over and done. Because once Sasuke saw him, there would be a lot of yelling and curses, and some cruel restraining, before Sasuke would calm down enough to faint. And after all this mental trauma, some emotion might pierce the barrier Itachi had built around himself, and he would feel...something. Which would put him a step farther back on his life's goal.
The Konoha Hospital had clean white floors, with the occasional bloodstain. He walked up to the desk, wearing his straw hat. No one will recognize me now. He thought untriumphantly, because he has no feelings, remember?
The nurse gave him a quick glance, then smiled automatically. "Hello, welcome to the Konoha Hospital, how may I help you?" she parroted wearily.
"I am...looking for Uchiha Sasuke." She gave him a blank look, then looked back down at her papers.
"Ah ha." she said after a minute of ruffling. "You need to go talk to that lady over there, and she'll take care of your problems. Have a good day."
Itachi turned and walked across the room to another desk. This one had a big plastic sign, and painted on it was MENTAL WARD, in bright, hidious colors with smily faces. Shit. Thought Itachi. shit shit shit shit shit.
This receptionist had big glasses, that was endlessly slipping down her nose. Her hair was a dark brown and tied up in a loony way on top of her head.
Itachi felt a cold chill in the pit of his stomach. This person look...exceptionally happy. Might as well get it over with.
"I need to see, Uchiha Sasuke."
She beamed and gave an excited bounce on the edge of her chair. "Ohhh, you must be Itachi! Wow, you came fast, I just sent that notice a few days ago, My name is Marti, by the way, oh come on, don't be shy, I'll lead you right to his door! After that, his personal nurse, Ranji, will explain some parts to you, then lead you to Tenji, her sister, to fully explain the situation. Both are single." Marti beamed again and have him a huge wink.
Itachi convulsed with repulsion.
Marti took a couple more steps while she took in another huge breath. "Sasuke is such a sweetie, I declare! When he's awake, that is."
What, is he hibernating or something???
"You should see all the flowers and gifts he has been sent from all his little friends!!!! One sent him a year's supply of ramen, although they were all past their expiration date...I didn't even know ramen could expire!! Oh, it's the thought that counts. Another one was a bag of dog treats, that one was from someone named Kiba... But isn't it wonderful to have some many creative friends???!!!!"
Itachi felt like he would throw up from all the exclaimation marks.
Marti smiled as she talked to a horrified Itachi, "My, you're a quiet one, aren't you?? You'll love Ranji. Oh, we're almost there..."
RELIEF! Itachi thought with joy, momentarily forgeting his life's goal. Then he remembered and forced himself back into an emotionless state, not letting regret and guilt for feeling happy seep through.
Curse that... that inhuman vessel of cheerfulness!!
"Oh, here we are." Marti said. "Good-bye!" she said, sounding sorrowful for once in the five minute walk. "I'll, I'll miss you! I'll never forget you!!" And she ran away sobbing to the reception desk.
"She's bipolar." said a voice as cool and unfeeling as his own. The door had opened, and a slim woman of around 27 was peering at him. Her hair was black, chopped short, but shiny. Her eyes were an emotionless gray. "I'm Ranji, please come in." There was nothing polite in that sentence, even with the word please. It sounded like a recording. Ranji's white skin made her eyes look huge...and empty at the same time.
Oh, no, Itachi felt a rush of envy. Here was a person who had completed HIS life's goal!! Look how...unfeeling she is, how uncareing. If Sasuke was to die right before her eyes and there was nothing she could do to stop it, she would try, but she wouldn't care!!
An odd warmth Itachi had never experianced before flooded down to his knees.
Ranji was looking at him, not nonplussed. "Uchiha Itachi, correct?" she continued without waiting for his answer. "We have detained and medicated a Uchiha Sasuke, for his various mental problems. You are the only living relative that we have found, so we have called you."
Itachi nodded. What didn't Sasuke have to do with him? They were barely related, just brothers. And it probably wouldn't help Sasuke's 'mental condition' if the one person he sought to kill was standing in front of him, feeding him chicken soup!!!!
"While we wait for Tenji, why don't you sit down and wait for Sasuke to wake up? He should soon."
Itachi sat down immediately, watching his dark robes contrast to the orange walls and bright yellow plastic chair. This was not his element. He looked at Ranji to reassure himself that there was something good in Konoha's Mental Ward.
She was looking straight at him, and what was strange was that he was turning red. Dammit, he spend hours every day in keeping his perfect complexion...perfect. All those hundreds of dollars on those anti-aging olay creams and neutragena rinses, all to be ruined for not reason that he knew of.
Silence stretched between them, and it wasn't awkward, because he didn't care. And she didn't care.
Sasuke snored, normally. It was a strange sound after growing accustomed to Kisame's snore. Ranji jumped up. "He'll wake up soon."
Itachi stood up too, and kissed Ranji in one fluid motion. Well, he was...is...a guy, and it's not like he's going to go around kissing Deidara. Well, unless he was really desperate...Okay, it has happened once or twice, but he didn't enjoy it. Besides, it wasn't like it was enjoyable or anything. Just weird.
He released her and looked her in her eyes. "Sorry about that. Just primitive instinct, that's all."
Ranji didn't look the least bit fazed or confused. She didn't look like anything at all, except pretty. God, she was definitely his soulmate, if he believed in such crap.
"I'm goin to kiss you again." Itachi said.
Ranji shrugged. "That situation is not in the protocol." She said.
Itachi kissed her again.
Sasuke woke up to see his big brother who he quested to kill stick his tongue down his private nurses's throat. Sasuke let out a high pitched scream and fainted, steaming and twitching.
"He's awake. Tenji will be here now." Ranji said as she broke away from Itachi and went to check Sasuke's pulse.
Itachi followed her and looked into Sasuke's young, 17 year old face. It had deep lines of desperation and horror etched into it. Itachi shook his head. "Stupid kid."
A knock on the door, then it burst open, and an extremely fat lady was struggling to squeeze herself through.
Was this woman in the wrong ward? What would a 700 pound lady have to do in the mental section. "Tenji." Ranji said.
There was no family resemblence whatsoever. Tenji's hair was a bright, flaming orange, and she had huge, puffy cheeks that squashed her lips and nose.
"Yes, Uchiha Itachi?" Tenji gazed at him seriously.
Itachi stared at her.
"Sasuke has been detained...Ranji should have explained. Well, we have several suspiciouns that Sasuke has not had a happy childhood, has he?"
Hmmm, I don't know how you could say that. Maybe he has been denied a lollipop a time or too, but his entire family and distant relations were killed by his cherished older brother whom he loved and admired the most just didn't compare with that.
"Itachi." Tenji said. "I think we should pull the plug."
Silence, a deep sinister kind stretched between them.
"That beeping has been driving me crazy." With difficulty, Tenji bent over and pulled the alarm clock's plug from the outlet and threw it against the wall, where it smashed into pieces.
Hmmm, maybe Tenji did belong in the mental ward after all.
"We think Sasuke needs a role model to look out for him, for him to look up too. I'm sure it would improve his outlook on life a lot."
Yes, I am the perfect person for the job. His outlook on life would improve considerably if he was dead.
Sasuke woke up and blinked. "Ranji." he croaked. "I had a horrible dream. Can I get up so I can go cry in a corner now?"
Tenji bent down again, her squishy eyes peering at Sasuke. "Oh, honey, look who's here?"
Sasuke's insides ran cold. His teeth chattered and he shivered violently.
"WHO TURNED DOWN THE AIR CONDITIONER?????!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!???!??????!?!?!?!?!" he roared finally, startling Tenji. Ranji turned the heat on.
"Hello, little brother." Sasuke heard a emotionless voice. That voice...it was so familiar...
A long, dark-haired man loomed into his vision.
"I know who you are." Sasuke said, beginning to pant heavily. "I KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!"
"That would not surprise me." the dude said in that emotionless voice again.
"YOU'RE THAT SPOKESPERSON IN THE PIZZA HUT COMMERCIAL!!!!!"
"How much medication are you giving him?" Itachi asked Ranji.
"Enough to stop an elephant and make it think it's a block of cheese." Ranji replied.
Tenji gave Itachi a little push in Sasuke's direction. "Go see your little brother." she crooned.
His eardrums exploded in a burst of pain.
He stepped closer to Sasuke. "Hey, little brother. I'm Itachi. Uchiha Itachi."
Sasuke looked up at him, his nightmare forgotten. "Hey, can I have some lunch now?"
Itachi looked at the clock on the wall. Damn, almost two o clock. If he left soon, he might make it back to see Love in the Meadow. And if he didn't leave soon, Kisame would hog all the popcorn. Sasuke didn't remember him anyway. But then again, he might soon. Sasuke or Life's Goal? Sasuke or Love in the Meadow and popcorn?
"Sasuke, you're coming with me. Get your stuff, we are leaving in five minutes."
"Ahh, come on. I was just feeling like I wanted to cut myself."
Itachi turned on Mangekyou Sharingan. But for once in his life, he wasn't using it for torture.
Sasuke suddenly found himself in a huge red valley. A huge razor appeared in front of him. Delighted, Sasuke grabbed it.
One thousand, two-hundred and twenty six cuts to go.
Itachi watched Sasuke come out of his trance. "Say bye to Ranji and Tenji." Did I just say that. I'm sounding like his mother.
They reached the boulder bye 5:55. "This is your new home, little brother. Go inside and play with My Little Pony or whatever you teenagers do."
Sasuke snorted, but went inside.
Itachi could hear the sounds of Love in the Meadow begin to float out from the living room. Abadoning all dignity, Uchiha Itachi squealed like an excited little girl and ran to the living room couch.
Okay, Im just writing this because i'm just as bored with my other stories as yall are.
not too many flames, please.