Disclaimer:All of the characters are the property of Dick Wolf. I thank him, the writers, the directors and all the great actors who brought them "to life" for our benefit. Any "liberties" I have taken with them stems from my fond admiration (and a few personal quirks I will seek "help" for).

AN: This story is not set within the accepted "canon" for the characters as it is only officially portrayed by the TV series. So I get to "fool around" with them in ways in which they've never been seen, stretching that to the limit and suspending the "reality" that is "fiction" to start with…now there's a contradiction in terms!!!

(And yeah Goren I know the proper word for that is oxymoron…now go get the chocolate ice cream out the freezer…I've got plans for you later…)

Some of the greatest are brought together to solve a strange murder…

CASE SOLVED

The six men sitting around the table were tired. It had been a long day, was turning into a longer night and tempers were, in some cases, getting frayed.

"Follow the evidence I say" frowned Mack Taylor whose brows were in serious danger of permanently knitting together he did it so often.

"What evidence?" snorted Jack McCoy regretting he'd been called in to act as the legal guide for this bunch "All you've given me to go on so far would be thrown out of court as circumstantial"

"If you were a father yourself you wouldn't be so calm about this" bristled Elliot Stabler in his latest outbreak of self-righteous indignation.

"I am" muttered McCoy "Or did you lose sight of that when you thought it would be a good idea to go barging into the house, without a search warrant I might add, and start throwing round accusations"

"That did set us back for a while" said Gil Grissom all calm and reason "And I'm not sure this is the time to be debating the fate of our spermatozoa. Which given the numbers in the average…"

"Be quiet" intoned Taylor through his adenoids "We know there's no DNA to help us in this case. Typical, what a bummer, just my lousy luck"

Grissom smiled kindly at his morose opposite number over his glasses and then yelped "Ouch". As the guy next to him suddenly put his hands on his hips again, elbowing the CSI in the ribs.

"Sorry Gil" said Horatio Caine stroking the handle of his gun "But…I…will…find this…killer…I…promise you that"

"You've been saying that ever since you got here" growled Taylor "It takes more than standing around saying so you know Horatio"

"Oh someone wind him up" scoffed Stabler "The delivery is getting so deliberate now his spring must be wearing down"

Caine's neck snapped so suddenly to one side McCoy had to duck "I…heard...that…Elliot" he said in his best menacing whisper.

"You were meant to I think" mused Grissom flicking through a book about spiders "It's just a pity there's no entomological data to go on. No pupae or larval stage infestations I could get my teeth into. Metaphorically of course"

"Thank God for that" muttered McCoy "All that bug stuff confuses juries and freaks them out"

Bobby Goren looked up from where he had been making notes in his folder for the last thirty minutes "I think I might know the answer"

"Oh please" said Taylor changing into another fresh lab coat and speaking between his almost clenched teeth "Tell me this isn't a theory based on whether the killer was breast fed or not"

At the mention of the word "breast" Caine had snatched off his shades with a sweeping action so dramatic both Grissom and McCoy had to duck this time. So dramatic they flew out the window and landed on the roof of the Hummer he'd parked in a space marked "Compact Only".

"If you had kids Taylor you'd know the importance of these things" offered Stabler, twitching as Goren suddenly took his feet off the table.

Bobby stood up, shoved his hands in his pockets, paced the room a little and then suddenly grabbed a small package off the table "I say it was Professor Plum in the library with a length of lead piping"

He opened the envelope and shrugged shyly "Seems I win again fellas"

AN : Ever wondered why Caine might "need" that Hummer??