What Happened to God?

The Devil finds a way to seep his will into everything. God may have created the universe, but Satan took it from Him and made it his own. He did not flood the land with rivers of blood, or rip the flesh from the bones of the Earth's creatures. No, that would have been too obvious. He would have been stopped instantly if he even tried something so stupid. Instead, he let his influence sink in more subtly. He divided himself into pieces and disguised each piece as something inconspicuous. Money. Power. Knowledge. A greed and thirst for all these things. Bigotry, hatred, and violence. And of course, the strangest thing of all: death.

Death is a mysterious thing. No one who is victim to it can understand it. Once you experience it, all ability to comprehend anything has been erased. But that's not the strangest thing about death. No, the most unusual thing is how, despite it's inevitability, humans all spend their lives trying to avoid it: and still others seek it out. It's not difficult to understand why one would want to die. The world is full of filth. Some are oblivious to it. But to others, it's obvious, and they search an escape. But once you are born, you are stuck with that life. You can change your face or your name, you can become rich and famous, but you can't change your fate: to live in this life, constantly haunted by the Devil's presence in your soul. So the only escape you have left is death, when it all ends. But even that is not a perfect solution. When you die, you may not be able to feel the pain, but you can't feel any relief either. There is no satisfaction, no resolution. Only an abrupt ending that is just as horrid as the life that preceded it.

So, what happened to God? Why is He not fighting against the evil that has infested the universe? Why does He not answer your prayers? I'm sure this is something you have been wondering for a very long time. Ever since you were four and prayed to God for a new football, or that your grandmother wouldn't get cancer, or whatever favor you asked Him that He never delivered. Why did He let you down? Well, here you will finally find the answer.

God is in a deep coma.

You see, creating the universe takes out an enormous toll on a being. It drained God of His energy. So as soon as He was done creating, He fell asleep, and has yet to wake up. It is very unlikely that He will awaken in your lifetime, or even before humans become extinct. Perhaps He will sleep all the way through the Earth's destruction. Yes, He knew when he created the universe that this would happen. But He did not count on the universe becoming so corrupted. The fatal mistake He made was giving humans free will, or at least something close to it. Because their capacity for knowledge and learning went beyond simple instinct, they began to do things that God could not have predicted. And they let the Devil get to them far more than God had thought possible. For you see, the Devil is a tricky bastard.

So now that you know the truth about God and the Devil, now that you know the Devil is slowly consuming your soul and God won't help you, and death is not the answer, what can you do about it all? I'll tell you what can be done to save yourself from this horrible fate.

Absolutely nothing.

But at least you can always find solace in gay sex.