Into the Blue
Book 2: When Lightning Follows Thunder

Chapter 31 – Love and need.

DISCLAIMER: Buffy the Vampire Slayer belongs to Joss Whedon, and Harry Potter to J.K. Rowling. I don't own anything…

TIMELINE: AU. The fifth and final instalment of the OOTB-series. Takes place during the Order of the Phoenix and begins where Come What May (part 4) left off. Includes spoilers for Half-Blood Prince and Deathly Hallows.

SUMMARY: BTVS/HP crossover. The war descends over Wizarding Britain and its fate seems to rest on Harry's shoulders. What is the power the Dark Lord knows not and what will happen on judgement day? What hold does the dead have over the living when Death takes no prisoners? Can the light conquer or will death take them all?

They finished their dinner in the Great Hall in uncomfortable silence, and then, they all went back up to Dumbledore's office in more silence, after Remus ran after Harry and Phoebe while Sarah got her and Harry's things from Gryffindor tower.

Sarah and Phoebe left through the fireplace first, followed by Harry, whom Buffy was glad to note seemed to live with them now: at least the plan for him going home with her and Remus hadn't been disrupted with her 'death.'

When Buffy came out on the other side of the floo, stepping into her home, she noted with relief that at least this place looked the same. Alyssa was there, and she stood up with a genuine smile.

"It's so good to see you, Buffy," she said.

"Well, at least someone thinks so." Since the room was empty of any other occupant, she realized Sarah, Phoebe and Harry must have taken off, either for their rooms, or the surrounding forest, the moment they got here. Sarah and Harry's trunks had been left abandoned on the floor.

"They weren't glad to see you?" Alyssa asked with a frown.

"Sarah was happy enough. Remus was…evasive. Harry was upset and Phoebe was furious," Buffy explained tiredly.

"Well, it's been a difficult year," Alyssa said.

"Yeah, that's been made pretty clear. Good to know you've been here to take care of them," Buffy said, unable to completely hide the bitterness in her voice. From Alyssa's taken aback expression, it was clear it hadn't escaped her notice. Perhaps it was lucky that the floo flared up once again as Remus stepped through.

"Where are the kids?" He asked, automatically turning to Alyssa. While that was probably logical, since she would have been here when they arrived, unlike Buffy, it still stung how normal it seemed.

"Phoebe and Sarah ran outside, Harry's in his room."

"Which room is that, exactly?" Buffy asked. "It's a three bedroom house."

Remus threw her a surprised look. "Sarah and Phoebe are sharing. Harry has his own."

"And Alyssa?" Buffy raised a challenging eyebrow.

Remus blinked, first in confusion, then in dawning realization. "Well, when Sarah and Harry were away at school, Alyssa took Harry's room. To be honest, we hadn't worked out the sleeping arrangements for this summer."

"And last summer?" Buffy demanded to know, knowing she was probably embarrassing herself but unable to care.

"I slept in Sarah and Phoebe's room," Alyssa was the one to answer, looking both shocked and amused by Buffy's insinuation, which made anger flare up in her gut: it wasn't funny, or strange, to think that after a year of being missing, with both of them grieving someone they loved, that Remus and Alyssa might have found comfort together. "Remus, Sarah and Phoebe all shared the master bedroom together."

"It was a hard summer. It helped to have them close," Remus said quietly. "I needed them close." The anger transformed into shame for assuming the worst. If it even was the worst – to them, she'd been dead.

"They needed you close too, Remus," Alyssa said, her eyes earnest.

Remus snorted. "To start with, maybe, but I'm not an idiot. Towards the end of the summer, I know they were holding me up more than the other way around. I don't deal well with loss, never have."

"You didn't lose me," Buffy said, grabbing his hand.

Remus shook her off, looking away. "But I did. You might be back now, but I did lose you, Buffy."

"One would think you'd be used to it by now, me disappearing for a long time," Buffy joked weakly. "Or thought of as practically dead. It could be a new tradition."

"Don't," Remus said, his voice suddenly sharp, his head turning back towards her so quickly it could have given him whiplash. "Don't joke about it."

"I'll go and make some tea." Alyssa said, hastily excusing herself.

Buffy bit her lip. "I'm sorry," she said after Alyssa disappeared into the kitchen.

"Besides, this is – has been – a completely different situation," Remus said, calmer now. "I knew you were alive last time, just out of reach in Sunnydale. This time, you were just…gone. Dead and gone, for all we knew. And we didn't have kids then."

"I know," Buffy sighed. "I know it's different. And it's hard for you, I get that. But it's hard for me too. Behind the veil…I don't remember much, but I do remember that it didn't feel like a year. To come back to…this…is a shock. It's becoming very obvious how much I missed. Phoebe hates me, Harry resents me, I've probably offended Alyssa, and you…you're all…" She gestured helplessly.

"I'm all what, Buffy?" Remus asked.

"…Just different," Buffy finished lamely. "Quiet and distant, I don't know. You've changed."

"Of course I changed. Like you said, you've missed a lot. Losing you left its tracks," Remus said tiredly. "A part of me still expects to wake up and find this has all been a dream."

"It's not a dream, Remus."

"I know," Remus said. "Logically, I know. I just need a little more time to process."

Buffy frowned. "Well, process faster - "

" – It's just been a couple of hours, Buffy," Remus said sharply, his voice finally losing its almost deathly quiet tone and rising in anger. "At least give me a day before you start expecting everything to go back to the way it was!"

Before Buffy could apologize, Remus left the house, presumably to join Sarah and Phoebe, slamming the front door closed behind him,

Buffy sank down on the sofa, burying her face in her hands.

"Here." Buffy sniffed, looking up at Alyssa who had placed down a cup of tea in front of her. "I got you some clean clothes too," she said somewhat stiffly, holding up a bundle of clothes: from the look of them, they weren't hers, so she assumed it was Alyssa's. She wondered what had happened to her clothes, but then decided she didn't want to know. They'd probably thrown them away. "Yours are kind of dirty."

Buffy looked down at herself. "Well, I am wearing what I essentially died in."

Alyssa smiled sympathetically. "Do you want to take a shower? Maybe you'll feel better after."

Buffy snorted unhappily. "Doubtful. I'm an idiot."

"You're not an idiot," Alyssa said honestly. "Just a bit unrealistic. You're expecting too much too soon. Give it time."

"Right. Time." She abruptly stood up. "You know what? A shower does sound nice.

Buffy grabbed the bundle of clothes from Alyssa and disappeared into the bathroom. She quickly threw off her dirty clothes, banishing them who-cares-where and stepped into the shower, turning up the heat. Less than a minute under the spray, and she burst into tears.

Remus found Sarah and Phoebe by the swing set, Sarah pushing Phoebe into the air. With a deep sigh, he sank down on the other wooden swing, kicking off until it swayed back and forth slowly.

"Where's mum?" Sarah asked.

"Still inside with Alyssa, I imagine," Remus said. "I lost my temper."

"No? Really?!" Sarah asked sarcastically.

Remus snorted. "Not that surprising?"

"If I hadn't known it was coming, maybe, but I know what you're like before an outburst," Sarah said with a quick grin.

"You become all quiet and serious," Phoebe said. "And polite-happy."

"Polite-happy?" Remus echoed.

"Uhu."

"Good to know I'm so predictable," Remus said, amused despite himself.

"So what set you off?" Sarah asked.

Remus sighed. "I'm glad she's back. And once you think about it, you will be glad too, Phoebe." Phoebe snorted in obvious disbelief. "What I'm less happy about is how she seems to expect everything to be exactly the way it was when she left, when I'm still in shock over her return."

Sarah was quiet for a moment. "Yeah," she finally said, sending Phoebe higher with an especially forceful push. "I can get that."

"That being said, the time she spent behind the veil apparently didn't feel like a year, so I can understand why she feels that way," Remus continued. "But it's still somewhat frustrating. But with that in mind, Phoebe, what you said to her really hurt her, especially as it would have seemed like it came out of nowhere."

"Well, if we have to keep in mind that it wasn't any time at all to her, then she can keep in mind that it was a lot of time to us," Phoebe said stubbornly.

Remus sighed. "I suppose I can't argue with that," he said tiredly.

"Hey," Buffy knocked on the door to Harry's room. "Can I come in?"

Newly showered and all cried out, she felt better. Even if she was wearing Alyssa's clothes. Good enough to try and sort out the mess she'd inadvertently made of things, and since none of her daughters or her husband seemed willing to listen at the moment, that left Harry as her starting point.

Harry shrugged. "I guess." Buffy sat down next to him on the bed, noticing he had been looking through his photo album, the current page stuck on an image that must have been taken in secret, probably by Alyssa: she was the only one in Grimmauld who had had a camera. It looked to be Christmas, Harry lying down on the sofa in the living room of Grimmauld, tinsel stuck in his messy hair, asleep. In the moving photo, Sirius, looking relaxed and happy, was pulling a Gryffindor gold and red blanket over him, before leaning down to kiss him on the forehead. Then, the photo re-looped.

"Alyssa gave this to me, after…after the Ministry," Harry said quietly. "A couple of weeks after the summer holidays began."

"That was kind of her."

Harry nodded. "Yeah. I don't have any pictures like this of him, after Azkaban."

"Pictures were he's happy?" Buffy asked with a frown, not liking to dwell on Sirius' depression after he got out of prison.

"No, I have a couple of those. But he's always…super happy in them. You know, head thrown back, an almost manic grin on his face?"

"I know exactly the face you mean, yeah," Buffy agreed with a fond smile.

Harry nodded. "But not any pictures were he's like this…content. Just smiling and calm."

"He was happy we were all there. Happy you were there, especially."

"Yeah," Harry agreed. "I barely have any pictures of just us two together either. We got so little time – " His breath hitched.

"I'm sorry. I tried to save him."

A tear dripped down onto the photo, and Harry wiped it away carefully, not wanting to risk the water damaging the photo any. "I'm grateful you tried. I just…since you didn't succeed, even that seems pointless."

"Do or do not, there is no try," Buffy quoted. It had never seemed more appropriate. She hadn't done it. She hadn't saved him.

"Exactly. You failed. And a part of me wish you hadn't tried, because at least you would have been here for Sarah and Phoebe and Remus and…" he trailed off.

"…And you," Buffy finished. "I know. But if I hadn't tried…maybe I wouldn't have lost a year, but instead I'd be wondering if I could have saved him. I would have known I could have reached him in time. I'd always be walking around thinking that I could have pulled him away, and always asking myself why I hadn't. Second guessing every second of that moment when he fell. I'd just be feeling another sort of guilt. Maybe that would have been better, maybe not."

Harry smiled humorlessly. "I guess we'll never know."

"I guess not." Buffy sighed. "I'm sorry I wasn't able to bring him back with me."

"Why weren't you?" Harry asked, his voice accusing. "Why could you come back and not him?"

"I don't know," Buffy said honestly. "I don't even know how I got out. My time there…it's all fuzzy and unclear. If I had to guess, I guess it might have something to with my status as the Slayer. Or maybe it wasn't my time but it was his, as horrible as that sounds. I really don't know, Harry. I wish I did."

Harry nodded. "Me too." He leaned his head on her shoulder. "It's just so unfair. He spent so much time in Azkaban and then he lived in a cave for a year before he got stuck in Grimmauld which was as good as another prison, and then he dies. Where is the justice in that?"

"There isn't any. His life sucked in so many ways, Harry, but do you know something?"

"What?"

"You more than made up for it," Buffy said. "He chose to live in that cave, for you. He stayed in Grimmauld rather than escape somewhere south where he could be free, for you. To him, you were worth every second of that misery."

"So it's essentially my fault." Harry said bitterly. "Just as it was my fault he died."

"You're not at fault for anything, Harry," Buffy said. "Do not diminish his sacrifice by putting blame where it doesn't belong. Sirius chose to come after you, yes, but if you think Sirius regretted that decision you're wrong. There is no other way he would have liked to go out. Sirius loved you."

Another tear fell from Harry's eye. He wiped it away angrily. "I loved him too."

"I know you did. And I'm sorry."

"Me too."

Buffy left Harry's room and stepped into the kitchen, where Alyssa was moving around like she knew every inch of it – which, after a year of living here, she probably did. "I thought I'd make you another cup of tea," Alyssa said while putting water to boil, not looking up. "Yours got cold when you were in the shower."

"Thanks," Buffy muttered, sinking down on a chair. "Sorry for…you know, thinking you and Re have been sleeping together."

"It's okay," Alyssa said, still with her back to Buffy, her shoulders tense. "Even if it's wrong, from your point of view, it wasn't an unreasonable assumption to make."

"Maybe not, but I shouldn't have said anything about it," Buffy said, frustrated. "Even if I had been right, I was dead, giving me no right to judge however you chose to move on from that. And you're the only one here who hasn't treated me like you'd rather wish I was still gone. Well, other than Sarah, I guess, but I've barely talked to her, so who knows? She could just be hiding it well."

Alyssa finally turned around. "All of them are happy you're back. It's just difficult for them, Buffy."

Buffy laughed humorlessly. "Yeah, well, it's difficult for me too. Do you think I liked listening to Phoebe tell me, straight out, that she wished I'd never returned?"

"She said that?" Alyssa frowned. Before Buffy could answer, she continued: "You have to remember, Phoebe's still a child. A very intelligent, mature child, to be sure, but still a child. She didn't really mean it. It's different for Sarah. She's a child too, but she's older, with more emotional maturity. She can really understand that you didn't mean to leave them, and I think she's been unconsciously preparing for the day you or Remus might not come back from a battle since…well, if I were to guess, since you fell into your coma and Remus lost the ability to walk. And she saw it happen – as morbid as it sounds, that probably gave her a certain kind of closure that Phoebe didn't get. It's easier for Sarah to just be happy about your return and accept and be grateful for the miracle it is. Not to mention, Sarah spends most of the year without you anyway when she's away at Hogwarts. The loss hasn't been as physically obvious for her, whereas Phoebe needs more time to readjust. Phoebe might be able to logically grasp the danger and the risks you take as the Slayer, and in this war, but she's too young to really comprehend it. Emotionally, she wasn't ready to lose her mother. In her mind, you were invincible. And now, after a year of her slowly but surely learning to accept that you weren't, you're back, throwing her for a loop and essentially causing all that time she spent grieving and moving on to have been for nothing, because you weren't really gone at all, so she's lashing out."

Buffy blinked. "Wow. You're just a walking-talking psych-encyclopedia, aren't you?"

Alyssa shrugged. The water had stopped boiling. Obviously thinking deeply about something, she prepared the tea and put down a cup in front of Buffy, who let it warm her hands, and got another cup for herself. "I've just spent a lot of time with them, Phoebe especially. I understand her."

"You know her better than me," Buffy concluded, not without bitterness. "Sarah too, it seems."

"No, I don't, Buffy. You're their mother. Just because I understand their grief doesn't mean I have anywhere close to the love and connection you share," Alyssa said, sounding exasperated. "Why do you think Phoebe's so upset? She wouldn't be if she didn't care."

"And Remus? He's so…well, not standoffish, exactly, but definitely not all that welcoming either," Buffy said, looking down into her cup. "Whereas you seem fine. And you're both adults so don't tell me it's to do with emotional maturity."

Alyssa's lips twitched. "Not maturity. Just emotion. Remus is married to you. I'm not."

" – But Sirius – "

" - Sirius," Alyssa interrupted, her voice harsher all of sudden, "Sirius and I weren't married either," she continued, a little softer, taking a small sip of her tea. "There was potential for a relationship there, but we weren't really together. Even if we had been, we haven't – hadn't - known each other for nearly long enough for it to hurt me as much as losing you – and Sirius – hurt Remus."

"And you don't feel the same way Phoebe and Harry do? That trying to save him was pointless because I failed?" Buffy challenged.

Alyssa sighed. "Of course not, Buffy. How could I think trying to save your friend, the man I could have grown to love, was the wrong decision? You lost a year, true, but you didn't know that beforehand. The fact that you tried…how can I be anything other than grateful?"

Not knowing what to say to that, it being such a one-eighty from everyone else's reaction, Buffy took a large sip of her tea. They sat in silence for a moment, until they could hear the front door suddenly open, soft voices speaking. Then, footsteps, and Remus stepped into the doorway. "The kids and I are heading to bed. Do you mind taking the sofa for tonight?"

Considering her welcoming so far had been rather cool, it actually took Buffy awhile to realise he was addressing Alyssa, not her.

"It's not a problem," Alyssa said warmly. "I'll see you tomorrow."

Remus nodded sharply, then left, once again not looking at Buffy. She sighed. To her horror, she could tell she was just a few seconds away from crying again. She jumped when she felt Alyssa's hand on top of hers.

"He just needs some time to readjust, like Phoebe does," Alyssa comforted her.

"I know that," Buffy said, hating the way her voice trembled. "But it feels like he's shutting me out."

"And that's strange for him?" Alyssa asked mildly. "I can guess, from what I know of him, that he's not consciously shutting you out – he's shutting himself down. It's what he does, when things get too much to deal with. He's glad you're back, Buffy. But that means the year he spent grieving – "

" – Was for nothing, which is hard to deal with, I get it," Buffy interrupted, annoyed. As well-meaning as Alyssa was, and how helpful her explanations had been so far, it irritated her that she even needed the younger woman to point out what Buffy should already know. Like Alyssa said, she wasn't the mother or wife – Buffy was.

" – No, you don't," Alyssa said, her voice becoming sharper again. "It wasn't just hard for him, Buffy, it was excruciating. In the beginning of the summer after your 'death', he was dealing alright, making sure Phoebe and Sarah was okay, especially with the Ministry pressing in to take custody away, but at least that gave him another reason to keep going. But by the time Dumbledore made the problem disappear, he was nearing hysteria. He might have been calm and put together on the outside, but I could all tell he was nearing some sort of breaking point even if he tried to hide it. I even think the kids noticed and they were extremely patient dealing with his, what was frankly, overprotective paranoia. Remus hadn't been dealing with your death, just pushing his own grief down so he could be the father and the support Sarah and Phoebe needed him to be. When Dumbledore fixed the problem with the Ministry, it brought home the fact that he couldn't even do that right. Someone else had to fix what he saw as his problem to handle, which made him realise that he alone can't take care of his kids without someone else weighing in - "

"But that's not true – " Buffy protested, but Alyssa held up a hand, interrupting her.

" – Of course it's not true," she said. "But it's what he felt. You know him, Buffy. Self-confidence issues, anyone? He always thinks the worst of himself."

Buffy bit her lip, knowing Alyssa was right.

"By the end of that summer, he was only holding himself upright by sheer force of will. He meant it when he said Sarah and Phoebe were more his support-pillars than the other way around. After Sarah left for school, it was like he just…deflated," Alyssa said grimly. "He could barely get himself out of bed. If no one else had been around, I'm convinced he would have stayed there. The only reason he didn't is because of Phoebe. The only reason he did anything was because of her. I cooked, and the only reason he bothered to eat was to set an example for Phoebe. I had to remind him of the full moon. I had to remind him to shower and shave. When Dumbledore came with the mission to the werewolves, I was relieved because it would give him something else to focus on and keep him busy. I think Phoebe was too, it's why she told him to go. I think she hoped he would be better when he got back."

"And was he? Better?"

"Somewhat," Alyssa shrugged. "At least he was better at taking care of himself, but he was still…emotionally distant, just going through the motions. He barely talked to me. The only person he really talked to was Phoebe, when they played or spent time together, which he was better at when he came back. It all seemed a bit…forced, though."

Buffy swallowed. "Did Phoebe – "

" – Notice?" Alyssa finished with a raised eyebrow. "Of course she did. I don't think Remus noticed that she noticed, not at first, he was far too out of it, but he has realized it by now. By the time he managed to shake off the worst of it, he realized all too well what a walking-talking zombie he'd been, and he's ashamed of himself, Buffy. That's the reason he's acting 'standoffish' as you put it. Not because of you, but because of him. Because he wasted a year grieving in a way he thinks of as selfish, a year of grief changing him in a way he thinks is for the worse. If Remus had had any inkling you could come back, it would be different. Rather than have you come back to a husband who has been strong and put together for his kids, you come back to someone who he thinks was a burden to his kids instead."

"But that doesn't make sense! He thought I was dead, of course he didn't know I would come back – "

"That doesn't matter, Buffy," Alyssa said gently. "In Remus' eyes, that shouldn't have mattered. He shouldn't have needed a sliver of hope to hold onto in order to be the father Sarah and Phoebe needed. Even if you weren't really dead, he didn't know that, and he thinks he should have handled your death better. He should have been strong enough anyway. He was already ashamed of that, but your return, and Phoebe's reaction to it especially, made him even more so. Don't you realize where Phoebe's anger is coming from?"

"She hates that I left – "

" – Yes. But don't you get it? She's angrier on behalf of her father than she is for herself, even if she doesn't realize that, because she saw what your 'death' did to him. Remus does. And that's another reason he can't face you: to him, Phoebe's anger is 'proof' that he wasn't a good enough, or supportive enough, father for her when she needed him, or she would be able to handle your return better. He couldn't handle your death, so Phoebe couldn't handle it either. And because of that, neither of them are handling your return all that well."

"You said…you said he managed to shake the worst of it off," Buffy said slowly, aware her tea was going cold – again – and not caring. "When was that, exactly?"

"Well, he got better after the mission to the werewolves, but it was only around Christmas that it was really noticeable. When Sarah and Harry got back for the holidays. Thank Merlin for Sarah, let me tell you," Alyssa smiled, her eyes warm. "I didn't even have to say anything. She saw immediately what a mess Phoebe and Remus were, despite my best efforts. I'd bought some presents and we'd put up some decorations but not a lot, and the mood certainly wasn't very festive until Sarah came home. She took charge of Phoebe, helped her buy gifts, decorate better, and plan dinner… That Christmas was the first time Remus and I saw Phoebe genuinely smile at something, and it was all thanks to Sarah. Seeing that, seeing Sarah somehow doing more for Phoebe in just a couple of days than he'd been able to in months was what finally made him pull himself together for real. It could have been a terrible Christmas, but it wasn't, and all thanks to Sarah. You should be proud of her."

"I am," Buffy whispered, her mind reeling. She'd realized how bad things had been, but she hadn't really realized. And it made her feel horrible. Horrible, and angry, and guilty and sad.

"Anyway, Remus got a lot better after that. It was like Sarah's return from school was the kick he needed to realize that life could go on, without you."

"And now I'm back."

"And now you're back," Alyssa echoed.

Buffy stepped into the master bedroom dressed in one of Alyssa's nightgowns. It was probably short on her, but on Buffy, it reached below her knees. "Hey," she said to Remus' in greeting.

"Hey," Remus said hoarsely, his face turned towards the window, his back turned to Buffy's side of the bed.

Buffy sighed, crawling into the bed next to him. For several minutes, she stared up at the roof in uncomfortable silence. "I missed you," she finally said.

The sheets rustled. Finally, Remus was looking at her. "No, you didn't. And that's the problem, isn't it? You didn't have time to miss any of us. Whereas I missed you far too much. Too much to be healthy, too much to act like a human being. Too much to be a good dad, and if that isn't a sign how dependent I am on you, I don't know."

"But you pulled yourself together," Buffy said helplessly, not knowing what else to say. After everything Alyssa had told her, she was…angry at Remus for not holding it together better, as much as she was sad and guilty and upset for him, knowing it was her choice to try and save Sirius that had made him lose it in the first place.

Remus smiled bitterly. "Just in time for you to get back and see the disaster I've made of things."

"It's not a total disaster. Not one that can't be fixed," Buffy said, rolling over on to her side so they could better see each other.

"I fell apart, Buffy," Remus shook his head. "I was a total wreck. That you're back now doesn't change that. Your…death, temporary as it was, showed me that without you, I'm nothing. What does that say about me?"

"That you love me," Buffy said. At least that, she knew.

"I love you too much," Remus said helplessly. "I didn't think there was such a thing, but there it is. If you…die, again, Buffy, I probably wouldn't react any different, and that terrifies me."

"You'd be okay. You pulled yourself out of it this time, you can again."

Remus laughed without joy. "Can I? Can I really? I'm not so sure. There's only so many miracles a person can get, even you. You came back this time, which means next time probably will be the last time. And that…that knowledge will destroy me. I'm a needy, selfish, weak person, Buffy."

Buffy swallowed. "If our situations were reversed – "

"Don't," Remus interrupted. "Don't lie to me. If our situations were reversed, and I died, you'd be sad, yes, but you'd get over it, a lot quicker than I moved past it. I still haven't moved past it, not really. The process got somewhat disrupted with your return."

"So what?" Buffy asked, suddenly angry. "I love you less than you love me? Is that what you're saying?"

"Of course not," Remus said, eyes blazing. "But I need you more than you need me, and you know that's true." The thing was, Buffy thought helplessly, Remus was probably right. If he died…it would break her heart, true, but she would stitch it back together, stronger than before. It's what she did. As if he was reading her mind, Remus smiled sadly. "See? You know you'd be okay, whereas I apparently love and need you too much to function without you, even for the sake of our children, and that's not romantic. That's pathetic."

"You're stronger than you think."

"Not strong enough," Remus whispered.

"Then, promise me now, that if you love me, if you lose me again, you won't break." Buffy said fiercely. "If you love me, you'll grieve, but you'll pick yourself up. Promise me."

"I can't."

"Yes, you can," Buffy said, fiercely. "And I believe in you. If I die, don't you dare break. Don't do that to Sarah and Phoebe. Don't do that to me. I'm not asking you to be an unmovable mountain. All I ask is that you'll be strong enough. You have to be. If you love me, you will be."

"…I'll try," Remus finally said, after several seconds of silence.

"As I've had it pointed out to me very recently, trying is not enough," Buffy said. "You will."

Remus sighed. "Just don't die again, any time soon. Or almost die. Or make us think you died. Or kind of die."

"Wow," Buffy said dryly. "Covering every eventuality, huh?"

Remus smiled, a genuine one this time. "Well, it is you we're talking about. Looking back, it's probably not unnecessary."

"You're probably right. And don't worry, I'm not planning on either of those things," Buffy said, moving closer to the middle of the bed. She decided not to comment on the fact that Remus still hadn't really promised. He was right. As much as she might wish him to, it wasn't a promise he could really make.

"No one ever does," Remus whispered, wrapping an arm around her waist, pulling her up against his chest.

Knowing he was right, and not knowing what to say, Buffy leaned up and kissed him instead. Things weren't one hundred percent okay between them, or even ninety percent okay, but now she had faith they would be. And kissing was good. Unlike talking, kissing was easy.