Adam "Business Time" Kadmon

Disclaimer: I don't own Eva, or ZOE, or GQ, or KOF, or DDR. DDR. Can you imagine it? Using the dance pads at home to recreate the infamous Israfel training sequence? Gainax is sitting on a mint. Well, another one.

Shinji never liked the hospital. In his mind they were always equated with death and suffering. And the countless blood tests his Master always required. So boredom was high up there too. But mostly death and suffering. And given the particulars of his present circumstances, he could now add embarrassment to the list. The "list" was a perpetually expanding far-reaching inventory of situations and scenarios that gave him distress, ranging from mild (meeting new people) to intermediate (having said new people offer money for unspecified services) to severe (having people he did know offer nothing for very specified services).

But back to the embarrassment. As his stay in NERV's "fine" medical facilities became far longer than he anticipated (and he was still loathe to blame Maya for any part of it, even after she visited again and accidentally gave him a second degree burn and food poisoning with her homemade chili) Shinji became well acquainted with most of the nursing staff. Which was quite large despite NERV's notorious budget and lack of genuine medical equipment. Being an open-minded, unassuming kind of guy, Shinji was also surprised the entire medical workforce was female, prone to wearing tight uniforms and being super attractive. Which leads directly into the whole embarrassment thing.

Not that being around beautiful, scantily clad women was awkward for him. He dealt with that on a daily, oftentimes hourly basis. His discomfort with the staff stemmed from their behavior. Not that flirty, sometimes publicly indecent displays of affection were new to him, but it was the degree and severity of the current ones that were distressing. He supposed having literally every hospital employee offer him a sponge/tongue bath at least six times a day would make any normal fourteen-year-old boy happy, but Shinji was not normal. Or happy. Not for the first time, he couldn't help but feel that NERV was a very strange place.

And therein lay NERV's, or more accurately, Gendo's dirty little secret. One of them. Every person the Commander hired, from janitors to a certain Captain, was judged according to a complex and brutally efficient system of sexual discrimination. Not normal discrimination. Scary discrimination. The kind where unless you were hot, promiscuous, deviant, immoral, sexually obsessed and/or repressed, or some combination of those, you would not be working at NERV. And as for all those guys he employed, Gendo blamed those on brief periods of "work-related confusion" due to drugs. Lots of drugs. But it helped illustrate that debauchery starts at the top and works its way down the proverbial job tree, infecting every other branch.

So it came as little surprise to Maya when she arrived at the hospital to visit Shinji in a purely gracious act to repay him for continually hurting him severely, inducing a coffee high streak through the city, and to give him a break from Misato, Asuka and Rei's foaming-at-the-mouth-and-various-other-places attention, she found the boy strapped spread-eagle to his bed wearing nothing but a ball gag made of gauze and a face of abject terror as several dozen nurses closed in on his delectably prone form.

"Fmmf zu lub ff govf, hllf mm!" Shinji said eloquently.

"Go away," one of the nurses spat at Maya. "The flyers clearly stated the yaoi pay-for-play starts at three. Wait your turn, little boy."

"Oh, I do not think so," Maya said, cracking her knuckles. No one called her a boy unless they were ready to lose a few teeth. Also, she supposed she had to save Shinji or something.

Granted, her haircut and boxy NERV uniform didn't help promote her femininity, but those were semi-conscious choices; Maya had a lot of frustration to work off. And beating the tar out of dumbasses who mistook her for a boy did wonders to ease her unrequited love, her loneliness, her sense of inferiority, and her crippling debts from Sanrio merchandise.

Actually, the only reason Ms. Ibuki ever had a chance at working for NERV was the vague notion Gendo held about how being near a lesbian was cool.

Allegedly.

Being high enough up on the aforementioned job tree, Maya was familiar with her Commander's modus operandi. One didn't work directly under Akagi Ritsuko without gaining an insight into the mind of Ikari Gendo, drugs or no drugs. As such, Maya knew about the man's paranoid fear of medical professionals who he wasn't personally bribing (read: Ritsuko), and hired only personnel that could be easily subdued.

Meaning they would be easy pickings for her feminine fists of ferocious fury. Huh. Even that sounds adorable coming from her.

After viciously incapacitating the nursing staff and liberating Shinji, Maya hurriedly led him outside to freedom as he hysterically thanked her. Then they had to rush back in since I forgot to add a sentence where he got dressed.

Back in the pinnacle of fashion that was his school uniform, Shinji let Maya forcefully escort him to an unknown destination, mostly because he had no reason to mistrust her. Also, he was an idiot.

"Shinji-kun," she said, slowing down after finally realizing she was all but kidnapping him, "I'd like to take you out today."

He felt a considerable panic building. Every time a woman told him that, things had a way of ending with him waking up naked in a strange room with leather harnesses and video equipment without any recollection of how he got there.

"Um, I'm extraordinarily flattered, Ibuki-san, but Misato-san told me NERV has very strict fraternization rules."

Granted, according to Misato those rules only applied to personnel above and below whatever rank she was currently holding and who weren't named Katsuragi, but she kept telling him it was for his own good. Just like wearing thongs in the apartment.

"Ah, let me rephrase," Maya said. "I meant, I'd like to take you out, as a friend. It's actually why I was visiting today. But only as a friend. Even though we're not officially friends. So, do you want to be friends?"

Shinji's panic did not subside. Older women proposing friendship had a way of ending with him strapped to a bed like his morning ordeal.

"Um, I'm still extraordinarily flattered, but—"

He was cut off by the overdue opening title.

MazinEva! Round 6!

The Dangers Of Dating Ikari Shinji, Even If You're A Lesbian (Allegedly)

Or

You Know, They Do Sort Of Look Alike

After I made Shinji agree to the friendly day out on the town, Maya then proceeded to take him out for a friendly day on the town. His anxiety from the morning, as well as lingering fears about being alone with yet another female commanding officer forced his mouth into cliché Shinji behavior.

"I'm sorry for being such a burden, but I'd just like to thank you again for saving me," he told her. "It's a small miracle you got to me at all. Dr. Akagi changes my room every half hour to let me heal in peace, but someone always finds me somehow." Someone, meaning the three you're thinking of. "May I ask how you did?"

"I asked the receptionist," she explained, "and she just told me."

Because the receptionist thought Maya was a guy. A guy other than the Commander being held at gunpoint by the Major.

"It looked really, um, hectic in there. Do you want to talk about it? With my lack of therapeutic training and inexperience with comforting people in any way, maybe I could help."

"Could we please never speak of that again?" Shinji asked, hugging himself as they aimlessly strolled downtown Tokyo-3. Not that he wasn't used to such things happening to him, but he thought he could escape that kind of treatment if his Master wasn't around to organize and schedule it for him.

"I'm just sorry I didn't get there sooner," Maya said, her brow bent in genuine sorrow, effectively ignoring his plea. "Are you okay?"

"Not really, no. I only thank God that they got tired after the first five hours and needed a break." He shivered. "Please keep this a secret. I don't want anyone else to know."

Maya promised she would. Though she guessed his concern was embarrassment, she knew Misato, Asuka and Rei would without fail significantly downsize the hospital staff if they found out. NERV had enough to cover up as it was without having to explain away several dozen murders.

"So," Shinji said, trying to distract himself from his most recent trauma by striking up a conversation with a woman he was only vaguely aware existed prior to last chapter, "did I miss much while I was drifting in and out of comas?"

"Not too much." Maya brought a finger up to her chin. "Actually, there was one minor thing. After Asuka and Rei defeated the Harbinger, we detected another one within NERV."

"What!? Is everyone okay!?"

"Yeah. Don't sweat it. It somehow snuck into our boiler room through the heating ducts and messed up the central circulation system something fierce. We scrambled the girls to fight, but before they got even halfway to the basement the Harbinger died. Melted or something. I guess it was attempting a sneak attack through NERV's innards, but it wound up burning itself to death. Not the smartest giant hell machine ever, huh?"

And there, dear readers, is the entire appearance of Sandalphon, the Harbinger of Dying Like A Pansy. I did have a few decent thermal expansion jokes in mind, but I'll save them for another time. Or a side story I'll never write.

"So, Shinji-kun," Maya said, drawing my attention back to the situation at hand. "What do you do for fun? I honestly don't know a lot about you, and I feel a little guilty. I mean, here you and Asuka and Rei are fighting in life or death battles for all of humanity and I've practically ignored you."

"You don't have to feel obligated, Ibuki-san."

"I don't. I just, I don't know. I'd like to know more about you. So spill. What's fun to you?"

Shinji took a breath, uncomfortable with the prospect of speaking about himself. He was, in his own mind, incredibly boring. Also, Master Kaji repeatedly told him he was incredibly boring.

"Well, I really haven't had a lot of free time lately, what with the attacks, and school, and Misato-san, and Asuka, and Rei…" He sighed, then glanced up as he heard Maya giggle. "What?"

"They sure do spend an awful lot of time with you."

"I guess they do. I'm honestly surprised they don't all hate me. I mean, I practically abandoned Asuka and Misato-san when my father abandoned me, and I only seem to make Rei's life harder. I hope I can make it up to them someday."

"I'm sure they'll think of a way," she said, containing another giggle. She found his naiveté cute. Then again, Maya found most stupid things cute.

"But fun, huh?" Shinji shrugged. "I haven't practiced my cello in quite awhile. That usually helps me relax."

"You play? Cool."

"I guess. My Master said it was important. That it would culture my mind and give me greater finger dexterity."

"How was that? Living with a stranger for so long? Oh! Sorry. I didn't mean to pry. Well, maybe a little."

"No, it's fine. I brought it up and you already asked." Shinji stopped at a crosswalk, waiting for the light to change. He watched a small child holding her mother's hand, placed there by maudlin contrivance. "It wasn't what you might call a normal childhood, I suppose. But Master taught me about life, and people, and the world. It was more of a 'hands on' approach. I still don't completely understand everything he tried to teach me, but I'm grateful to him."

"Well, you're still pretty young, Shinji-kun. I'm sure you'll understand in time."

"You're probably right." He immediately regretted bringing up his lack of comprehension with his training. While he lived with his Master, it was a source of continual frustration. His teacher would always laugh, rubbing his scruffy jaw, and tell him the same thing every time.

"Once you meet a woman, you'll understand everything."

"Even the massage training?" he would inevitably ask.

"Especially the massage training."

"And the tongue strengthening exercises? And the endurance tests? And 'strutting?'"

"Well, that's all—"

"How about me doing your taxes? And the cooking? And the laundry? And when you dress me up like a girl to sneak me into the women's changing room at the local schools and the mall with your camera to—"

"Yes! Okay!? It will all make sense! Now get in the bathroom and scrub the toilet. I think I missed during last night's bender. And you better be done by six. That's when the girls' volleyball team finishes at the high school and I'll be damned if I miss it because of you. Remember the camcorder."

Where was I?

Ah, right. More stilted conversation between two characters that had all of what, three scenes together in the show. Set OOC sensors to maximum.

"Ibuki-san," Shinji said, looking up at her, "during one of my check-ups I asked Dr. Akagi about your job…" He blushed as she raised her eyebrows. "I hope I didn't offend you. I was just curious."

"Oh, no. I'm just surprised, that's all." Mostly because no one in their right mind willingly asked Ritsuko anything.

"She told me you're learning the computer system that runs NERV. She started to explain it, but Mechology honestly confuses me, and then she said she needed a couple fluid samples, so I had to run away and lock myself in a bathroom. But what I did hear sounded very difficult." He smiled at her, recalling her humble explanation of her occupation from the previous chapter. "You shouldn't sell yourself short, Ibuki-san. You must be exceptionally intelligent and motivated for someone so young. You're what? Eighteen? Nineteen?"

"Shinji-kun, it's rude to ask a woman her age."

"Forgive me!" He mentally tore his arm off and poured lemon juice in the wound. How could he forget his training so blatantly? "I didn't—"

"I'm actually twenty-four," she said nonchalantly, though inwardly smiling at his reaction. She made a show of peering in a nearby shop window, seemingly intent on the intricacies of a leather codpiece and matching dildo set. She suddenly realized they had somehow wandered into the red light district. She hastily led Shinji out, though he seemed strangely comfortable with the whole scene.

"Ah, you just look so young, but you act so mature," Shinji backpedaled, trying desperately to save face as she picked him up and sprinted out of what looked a lot like his old home. His initial fears of spending time with her were nearly forgotten; he never had to deal with someone of Maya's caliber before when the threat of a hormonal attack wasn't present.

"Oh, uh, thanks, I guess," she said, finally letting him walk on his own when she reached the entertainment section of town. Normal, G-rated entertainment. Though that one animated film poster with the giant veiny talking cucumber looked mighty suspicious.

An awkward silence descended as I tried to think up what happened next.

"Shinji-kun," Maya said as she smiled warmly and placed a hand on his shoulder, manipulated into compassion by my whim, "I don't know if anyone else has told you this, but thank you."

"Wh-what? For what?"

"You've repeatedly risked your own life to save us, and I feel like we've all abused your kindness by taking your work for granted and selling risqué pictures of you. Thank you."

"B-but, I mean, Asuka and Rei have fought too, so, um…" Shinji broke off, inexplicably excited from a simple hand on the shoulder and a kind word.

"Well," Maya said as she drew back, containing her terrified shiver from hearing those girls' names, "I wanted to tell them too, but they keep trying to murder me. I figured you were a bit safer. Anyway, think of today as a small token of my gratitude. It's kind of an absurdly pathetic reward for risking your life and getting sent to the hospital on an episodic basis, but I'm poor and unoriginal. So, how about it, Shinji-kun? You know, since we're already out here and all."

"I'd really like that, Ibuki-san." He blushed hard and looked at his feet. "Thank you."

"Great!" She looped her arm with his and began walking. "Let's go!"

As I suddenly realized things were getting too (melo)dramatic, Shinji got wanged in the head with a brick and collapsed on the street.

"Shinji-kun!!" Maya yelled, attracting a small crowd of pedestrians, motorists, and a conveniently passing women's track team. "Hold on, Shinji-kun! I've been studying first aid!"

Her delving into the medical arts was nothing more than a way to alleviate her own guilt over giving him several concussions, but it thankfully served another purpose as well. The NERV hospital staff which managed to escape injury just happened to be trailing after the recently released boy in a long parade of vans, and heard the young tech's declaration and begrudgingly backed off. A public street wasn't the most ideal setting for administering all the tests they wanted to perform. Not ideal, but not disagreeable. Though asphalt really wasn't the best shock absorber. Plus, I don't feel like writing any more lime this chapter.

"Shinji-kun, are you okay?" Maya asked, knowing he obviously wasn't. Why do people ask that in situations like this? "Say something!" Again, why?

Shinji's leg twitched slightly, but nothing save a thin line of drool escaped his lips.

"Damn it!" Asuka hissed from her hiding place behind a dumpster in a nearby alley. Though the space was demeaning and filthy, stalking covetous bitches for revenge sometimes required compromises. "I didn't count on an undercurrent in the air this early in the season. It totally threw off my aim. That slut Ibuki got lucky."

"God, Asuka!" Misato whispered harshly, crouching behind her. "You could have killed him with that brick!"

"Pfft." She waved her hand dismissively. "It'll take a lot more than that to kill my Shinji. He's a pistol!" She paused, and spun her head around. "And what are you doing here, anyway? Shouldn't you be, I don't know, not here?"

"I'm simply keeping a close eye on Shinji-kun. Since Section-2 failed to save him from getting hit by a car and all, we can't be too careful. He is my charge and our number one pilot after all. I'm just playing it safe. No need to look into it. There's no deeper meaning, I swear. It isn't like I'm scouting a fourteen-year-old or anything, even if he is sweet, and considerate, and gorgeous, and smart, and caring, and attentive, and sensitive, and noble, and brave, and has the most talented hands I've ever known and looks amazing in a plug suit. None of that matters to me. No way. None of it. I swear. Get off my back! Shut up! You're a bitch!"

"Are you drunk? What are you babbling about?"

"Nothing! I swear it's nothing!" Misato laughed nervously, only to be cut off by a soft, unassuming, yet boundlessly terrifying voice above her.

"You are making too much noise," Rei said, peeking out of the dumpster. "Silence."

After the soul-freezing shock wore off, Misato and Asuka glared up at the girl.

"Blue!"

"Creepy!"

"What are you doing here? Why aren't you in your dog cage?"

"I am merely following my daily schedule" Rei said, arching an eyebrow slightly. Meaning that to everyone around her, she did nothing at all. "I observe Ikari-kun, determine his strengths and weaknesses, wait for an opening, and then make my move."

"So you're just waiting to attack him!?" Asuka yelled in outrage. "You soulless harpy!"

"Attack?" She considered it a moment, tilting her head slightly. Again, meaning that we as mere mortals wouldn't notice. "I suppose it could be stated that way."

Rei still planned on killing Shinji. The method was already firmly decided in her mind: cardiac arrest via intense physical exertion. She just had to decide when and for how long. A decade or five would probably prove sufficient. Might as well have a good time with it.

"Shinji-kun's up!" Asuka said as she turned back to the street, already bored with Rei. "I told you a brick to the skull wouldn't hurt him. Good to know his body can take some punishment."

"You sick freak," Misato growled, though inwardly agreeing as she planned several private scenarios to test the boy's full durability. Time to warm up the harnesses and video equipment again.

"They are on the move," Rei spoke, breaking everyone out of their tastelessly tasty fantasies.

Yes, their prey was on the move just like my patience with this nonsense. Moving on.

After a quick stop at a convenience mart for bandages and aspirin, Maya led Shinji to the next destination on his day of forced fun. It featured one of Maya's lesser known, but privately powerful vices; video games. As a computer tech, it fascinated her how some of the most powerful systems on earth were used for entertainment. That, and no one expected a cute young lady to be good at games. It made it easy to hustle losers in the arcades. Like all those fat kids needed lunch money anyway.

"Geez, Shinji-kun. For a mecha jockey you sure do suck at video games."

"I know," he replied, scratching the back of his neck. The dating sims his Master put him through never really developed his 'twitch' skills. Also, he had a fairly severe concussion from the brick.

The duo climbed out of the full immersion battle simulator they were in, an underrated game called ZOE 4: We Finally Got Off Our Asses And Made A Sequel With A Decent Story To Match Our Superior Mecha Combat Engine, and made their way to the main counter for more tokens.

Shinji glanced back at the game booth's colorful rendering of the male main character heroically clutching some faceless female to his sculpted chest. Was it some sort of universal nerd law that nearly every woman in every anime or game was required to have endowments that would undoubtedly cause crippling lower back pains? What was so enticing about a chest that was larger than one's skull? Not to mention the impractical hindrance it would no doubt present in battles and everyday life. Imagine shopping for a simple shirt! The terror!

He recalled his Master's teachings on the subject. It had been, like so many times, confusing.

"More than a mouthful is a waste."

Shinji later determined it to be a sound recommendation. The astronomical bosoms so many heroines sported would certainly lead to difficulties breastfeeding their children, which was the logical outcome of their interactions with the male leads. Shinji decided it to be yet another of Master Kaji's brilliant insights. Then again, Master never was one to follow his own advice. He believed the scruffy man's penchant for chasing the largest sets of mammaries he could find was all part of an elaborate plan to show his pupil the dangers and diseases of a life lived by any teachings but his own.

Though why Master would need to breastfeed is beyond me.

While the idea of placing his lips on or even within several yards of that particular female body part made him feel a little peculiar, he could easily appreciate the female form. He used to be able to appreciate the male form too, but Master had put a stop to that pretty quickly. So Shinji could see the fascination his peers and even grown men had with women. He just couldn't understand why nearly every man he met would turn into a slobbering, mindless beast when presented with an opportunity to be near one.

It wasn't that he couldn't grasp the concept. He would often find himself musing on the sprightly cuteness of Asuka, or the quiet beauty of Rei, or the exuberant good looks of Misato, or Ritsuko's mature charm, or the way Hikari's freckles stayed brown even when she blushed, or the effortlessly adorable way Maya held her hand over her mouth when she gasped, or another generic example of the Eva female cast being attractive. Shinji could appreciate all of it. But it was like the way a normal (read: normal) person might appreciate a work of art. The Venus de Milo was a beauty to behold but one didn't run up to it and cover it with wet smooches. It was to be admired, prized and respected from a distance, preferably behind the comfortable confines of a rope barrier and the watchful eye of a security guard. It could not under any circumstance be demeaned or devalued by any human emotions other than reverence, veneration, and quiet adoration. Anything else would be a crime. Which incidentally explained his Master's status as a sex offender.

Teaching misconduct and wrongdoing by example. Thank you, Master, for showing me how not to act. Disrespect, infidelity, unsolicited groping, gold digging and single-mindedly animalistic lust are wholly unacceptable.

He did have a libido; it was just that living for so long with one such as Kaji had desensitized Shinji to the purely physical aspects. What really got his motor running was the emotional portion. If someone told him they liked him and gave him a warm hug, Shinji wasn't sure he'd be able to control himself.

Sadly, Misato, Asuka and Rei seemed to be doing all their thinking these days with their crotches. Or, in Rei's case, her knife. Followed closely by her crotch.

Sometimes Shinji wondered if there was something wrong with him. Maybe there was some unknown, undetectable defect within his genetic makeup that made him act rationally and logically (read: idiotically) even with regards to the fairer sex. Sometimes Shinji found himself wishing he could be more like those around him, so willing and able to give in to primal instincts and raw emotion. And sometimes he dreamt about flower arrangements and window treatments. But again, when Master says no, he means it. Heaven help you if he finds that issue of GQ under your bed. Not that you have anything to hide, but you don't want to re-wallpaper the entire apartment with his collection of centerfolds again, do you? Remember, paste in chronological order. Oldest to newest. Chronological order or so help me God I'll send you back to that street corner without even your sock this time, do you hear me?

"Shinji-kun?" Maya gently shook him again. "Shinji-kun, are you okay? You're pale, and your eyes have a far away, extended inner monologue/flashback look to them. Do you want to sit down?"

"Oh, oh, no. I just got carried away there for a minute. Sometimes I feel like I miss whole paragraphs of time digressing. Thank you for your concern, though."

As he was about to reaffirm his physical wellbeing to ease the look of worry on his companion's face, a sudden flash of recognition drew his eyes to a form passing by the arcade's entrance.

"Oh, Horaki-san!" Shinji called out. "What a pleasant surprise."

The class representative slowly turned at the sound of her name.

"Ikari-kun?"

It was a challenge. That much Hikari knew. It was a challenge, and she needed it. That her scheduled path for school and shopping had yet to deviate from the road that took her past this particular area in downtown was testament to that. It served to continually reinforce her silent, secret pledge, to contain within her the raging fires that threatened to consume her daily. Experimenting at home helped to dull the blaze, but it was clear some sort of human contact was needed to satisfy it. Because she could not submit to her desires. No one must know the all-encompassing lust she harbored. They would label her "deviant" or "immoral." It had to remain a secret. From her family, from her best friend, from the boy she was forced to be in love with to protect her from her best friend. No one must know.

No one must know Horaki Hikari loved video games.

No one must know the thrill she felt plunging a token into the slot of a brand new machine, feeling a button array broken in by her own hands, the needling strain to her eyes after staring at a flickering screen, the guilty pleasure of checking her watch and realizing whole hours have passed, stretching out that last life when she ran out of coins, the whispered entreaties and curses given to pixilated sprites and animated polygons. It all excited her, made her feel alive; the condescending glare of boredom from the clerk at the counter, the shitty prizes, the cheap stench of stale soda and vending machine snacks, the mysteriously sticky floor, the lack of serviceable restrooms, the one child crying by the pachinko machine. It was how the ever-present hum of electricity became a symphony. It was how the frenzied steps of a Dance Dance Revolution player became a ballet. It was how every game blanketed her from the outside world until it was merely her and a hundred yen's worth of time to prove her skill to an ageless opponent, one who had seen her forefathers and will live to see her grandchildren. The timeless struggle of man and machine.

And bishounen had a downright suspicious way of cropping up in games. She had to admit controlling them with the push of a button was very appealing.

Just like the bishounen standing right in front of her.

"Horaki-san? Are you okay?" Shinji asked for the fifteenth time, growing worried. Is she drooling?

"No, I'm fine, Ikari-kun," she replied lovingly, a lazy grin on her face. "Perfectly fine."

"Oh. Ah, good." Is she still drooling?

"Um, Ikari-kun?" Hikari asked, forcing her mind back to the present as she noticed the older woman behind him. "Who is that? She kind of looks like your sister." She chalked her boldness up to the heady proximity to the arcade and oh my God is that the new KOF game!? Chris-chan!

"Ah, n-no," Shinji stuttered, blushing at the thought of having such a kind, pretty older sister. Why he would blush can probably be attributed to Master Kaji's fondness for incest hentai. "She works with me at NERV. Class representative Horaki, please meet Lieutenant Ibuki Maya."

"Pleased to meet you, Horaki-kun. Any friend of Shinji-kun's is a friend of mine." It was a sadly known fact Maya was incredibly hard up for friends. "Well," she continued, "we better get going if we want to make that unspecified event that requires us to leave right now."

"Oh, that's right. It was nice to see you, Horaki-san. Please take care."

"Sure," Hikari said, not really listening any more. She waited until they left before tackling the long-awaited KOF 2015: Scraping the Bottom of the Weird Character Barrel.

But as soon as she slipped the first token into the machine the screen flickered and went black. Hikari suppressed the wail of universal injustice crawling up the back of her throat, and looked around her as anguished groans filled the arcade. Every other machine was blinking out, along with the overhead fluorescents, even the streetlights outside. Something was definitely amiss.

That and a gigantic mechanical leg descended right outside the arcade entrance, shattering the asphalt and tearing through several cars as it headed towards NERV's base overlooking the city.

Another Harbinger had arrived.

Dum dum dum-dum-dah-dum… (dramatic reverb)

(checks word count)

God, this is so long. Let's skip ahead a bit.

Blah blah blah, frenzied rush back to NERV, blah blah blah, emergency scramble, blah blah blah, the other girls are still in the city, blah blah blah.

Almost done.

"MazinEva! Unit-01, ready to launch!" Shinji yelled from within the cockpit of MazinEva! Unit-01 which was ready to launch.

He awaited both the final safety checks, and the inevitable battle on the surface. Of course, with the power out all over the city due to something I'll probably reveal next chapter, NERV was operating on nothing but its diesel backup generator. Meaning the improbable catapults were useless for some reason. Shinji sighed.

"MazinEva! Unit-01, ready to climb out of the chimney!"

Matariel, the Harbinger of Worthless Special Attacks, plunged another of its legs into NERV's pyramidal main structure as Shinji exited the base in his mech via a really huge smokestack that was never there before and will never be there again unless I need it. He jumped down and engaged the Harbinger.

"Shinji-kun," Ritsuko said. "Misato, Asuka and Rei are dead."

"What!?"

"Or they're missing. Whatever. So we can't offer you any help since we're useless without you damn kids. We need you to lure the Harbinger away from the base and the city while we go out and buy a couple trillion batteries from the minimart. Without power, we're helpless. Even more so. It's up to you to—watch out!!"

A tremendous crash echoed over the tac net, and Shinji cringed. While holding two of Matariel's legs in an attempt to pull it off Mount Akiraka, another of its limbs reached over his head and struck NERV.

"Dr. Akagi! Is everyone alright?" Shinji asked.

"Ugh. Yeah, I'm fine. We…" She trailed off, and an eerie silence filled the air. "Oh God. Maya-kun. She… she's down…"

"What…?"

"She's not responding… there's blood on her face… I… I can't find a pulse…"

"Ha ha ha!" Matariel laughed as it struggled free of the MazinEva!. "Puny, two-legged humans! You are no match for my powerful legs of doom and my as yet unused acid attack! Prepare to die!"

Shinji pushed his senses out in a frantic attempt to find Maya. He forced his way past Ritsuko's crushing depression of losing her gullible slave of an assistant and personal ATM, as well as several other nameless female techs watching the camera feed from within Unit-01 with uncontrollable lust. He passed over all of it, and felt nothing but a gaping emptiness where Maya should have been.

Ikari Shinji had dealt with a lot in his few years of life. Since we all know how traumatic his childhood was, I'll skip it. But the fact remained he had never gotten particularly angry at anyone or anything. He tried hard to keep people from seeing his frustrations or dislikes. It was his ardent wish to make others happy and ease their worries. He never thought himself worth the trouble for anyone to worry about him. Not his estranged parent, not his oldest friends, not his newest friends, not even the Master who told him he wasn't worth the trouble. He learned through subtle neglect and outright commands to put everyone else first.

But as he heard Ibuki Maya, someone else who strove hard to ease others, had fallen, something snapped. Specifically, it was another layer of NERV's outer wall as Matariel attacked it again.

But on a purely philosophical level, Shinji's coerced lifelong persona of self-sacrifice shattered. Well, maybe not completely. Or at all. But it was replaced with something he never experienced before, something he never wanted to experience: hate. His vision flared red, his blood roared in his ears, his body shook as his wrath begged to be released and take vengeance. The fury was overpowering, even surpassing Misato in an AA meeting.

Shinji never accepted the doctrine of an eye for an eye, and even in the throes of rage he couldn't. Because he was going to take a hell of a lot more than an eye.

"I am going to burst you open," he told Matariel.

The Harbinger stopped, frozen by the inconceivable horror the voice promised. The MazinEva! rose without hurry, like a sadistic predator leisurely eyeing up a crippled yet trusting prey. Think Asuka and Hikari. Or Asuka and Toji. Or Asuka and anyone.

Matariel emptied its bladder. Which was actually its acid tank. But you get the idea. Slowly, it removed its legs from the base, trying to quietly creep away. Which was pretty difficult, given that it was a giant spider robot thing.

"Say, uh, how about I just, you know, leave and never come back?" it asked. "Then you won't have to, you know, completely gut me alive?"

Yeah, that'll happen.

I'll spare you the details of the brutality that followed. Actually, it's not so much sparing you as it is sparing me. I'm tired and want this to end. So, as you correctly predicted from the opening scene, this chapter's Harbinger died. More gruesomely than usual, but the end result is the same. Let's do some quick reaction shots from the battle than call it a day; Fuyutsuki was curled up in the fetal position on the floor; Gendo was frightened out of his chapter-long drug trip until he quickly dry-swallowed a couple crack rocks and went on another drug trip; Ritsuko went looking for some toddlers to choke; Hyuga threw up all over his console; Aoba seriously considered hiring Shinji as a "collection agent" for his ever-growing drug empire. Oh, and Maya was dead or something.

Or was she?

Obviously she wasn't.

Ibuki Maya blinked, coming out of her slumber. Or coma. Whichever. What a shocker. She was too groggy to fret even as she found herself in an unfamiliar room, and in an unfamiliar bed. She squinted against the harsh light and white walls, as well as the throbbing pain in her head. She tried to sit up, and was gently pushed back down.

"Don't strain yourself, Ibuki-san, please."

"Sh… Shinji-kun?"

The boy was in a folding chair beside her bed, his face strained with concern and guilt. He looked fairly constipated.

"What… what happened?" she said, sounding a little drunk. She rubbed her eyelids then abruptly snapped to attention. "Oh no! The Harbinger!"

"Don't worry," he soothed. "It's dead. It's definitely dead. You had a terrible fall during the attack. It… it was my fault. If I had been quicker, if I hadn't hesitated, if I was a better pilot…!"

"What are you talking about?" Maya asked, gaining lucidity. "I wasn't hurt in the attack."

"What?"

"As soon as I reached the control room I slipped on a puddle of coffee Dr. Akagi spilled yesterday. I forgot it was there, and that we have a terrible janitorial service. I knocked myself unconscious." She blushed. "I feel a little silly. But excuse me. What were you saying?"

"Oh. Oh, nothing. Nothing at all." Shinji casually stood and closed the window drapes, hoping Maya hadn't seen the remains of the Harbinger strewn across the city. Or how its own legs had been used to repeatedly skewer it. Or how its internal piping was used to hang itself. Or how several antennae relays had been introduced to its body cavities. Which raises the question: can robots feel pain? Since I'm currently tired and pissy, yes, they can. In fact, their tactile sensations are several times more sensitive than humans.

"Wait," Maya said with dawning comprehension, thereby proving Shinji's utter ineptitude for any kind of deception, even white lies. "You thought I was hurt because of you?"

"… yeah," he admitted. "I was so angry. And scared. And sad. Also, several other emotions. I feel like I just met you, Ibuki-san."

"Shinji-kun…"

"And Dr. Akagi told me she couldn't find your pulse—"

"Dr. Akagi doesn't know how to find a pulse."

"Oh." Shinji nervously coughed, the stupidity of the entire situation washing over him like the baths Misato insisted she give him when he was exhausted from a battle or if it was a weeknight. "Well, I'm glad you're okay, Ibuki-san. Real glad."

She watched his lips curved up into a soft, sincere smile she had no experience with outside shoujo manga, and here I'm talking about the kind with gauzy lighting and sparkles and weird colored backgrounds and maybe even one of those tooth twinkle effects, and Maya began to realize why so many women seemed to worship the ground he walked on and the chairs he sat in. He was a gentle, thoughtful, kind human being. He was willing to fight for everyone's benefit, despite any fears or misgivings he might hold. He sought only to help others and make them happy. And he was super cute.

Maya only regretted the fact he wasn't a woman.

Round 6! Over!

Author notes: no, Maya isn't going to be joining the Shinji fan club. At least not romantically. I promised myself this wouldn't become a harem fic, and by God, I mean to stay true to that until I'm not. And for those of you insane enough to by applying continuity and logic to this, Shinji couldn't sense her because she's gay. Allegedly.

The women's track team. A nod to Zentrodie's excellent (but banned on FFN) MSTs. They're actually how I discovered fanfiction in the first place. So now you know who to blame.

Hikari and video games. Well, she did have a system in her room, and that huge TV.

Next Round! will be delayed like always. I'm fooling around with an idea for a chapter without a Harbinger, which would introduce us to a certain spy… no, not that one. Or that one. Yeah, that one.