This is a birthday gift fic for Kaikouken. I feel so ashamed of myself for giving something like this to someone as great as her.
By the way, the real genre of this is Parody.
Warnings : excessive use of the word "cowboy", petty and mostly harmless mocking of The Dub (somewhat), and horrid humor
Master Kakashi liked telling the kids of Squad Seven stories about the Western countries. The countries without any ninja or any people who practiced doing neat-o tricks with their chakra. Why did he like telling them of such people and cultures? Because he was secretly planning to make a mutiny to change the way things were done in the ninja world... No, not really, but it would be rather cool if that was the case.
So then, why did he like to tell them stories of things like those? Because he wanted to. He was far too cool for reasons and for explaining techniques – unlike almost every damn character in the manga – anyway.
The Squad Seven Trio also liked listening to the tales of the wise – it was really a cleverly disguised shortcut for wizened senile fool – teacher of theirs. Well, except perhaps Sasuke. And Sakura.
Okay, so the one person that really liked listening to Master Kakashi was the only blond member of the group, the great Naruto Uzumaki.
Well, everyone could dream. Surely Naruto could, too. And his biggest dream was... no, it wasn't to become Lord Hokage. Not anymore, at least after that fiasco with Old Woman/Hag Tsunade and The Great Hermit Pervert Jiraiya.
His new biggest dream was to become a cowboy. Yes, you read it right. Naruto Uzumaki wanted to become a cowboy. The best cowboy that any civilian or ninja or evil organization member would ever encounter or hear of in their whole life!
Naruto skipped through the vastness – not really – of Konoha, looking for cowboy things. Like that cool hat or those awesome boots. He was also in search of a horse. After all, what was a cowboy without a horse? A pathetic one, for sure. Since he was, after all, aiming to be the best cowboy, he needed to have a horse. And everything else that a cowboy could and would have.
He hummed a bit as he came inside some store that sold cowboy gear. This was known to the common folk of Konoha as a cosplayer's paradise. But Naruto didn't know that. He didn't even know what cosplaying was. He just knew that this store sold cowboy getups.
When he walked inside the store, he immediately went into cowboy heaven.
Naruto walked out of the store several hours later with his froggy wallet all thin and sad-looking and holding tons of bags.
It was a start. He could see it now. He would really become the best cowboy out there. He could feel it in his veins. Even if Sasuke-bastard was to want to become a great cowboy, he, Naruto Uzumaki, would still pwn the aforementioned bastard.
Naruto evilly cackled. Yes. He would be the best for sure!
Tomorrow was when he would start looking for a horse and a ranch to be the head of or something like that. He recalled Master Kakashi saying something about great cowboys having their own ranches and stuff. Whatever a ranch was. Maybe he ought to consult his ever-so-wise teacher on that matter.
Sasuke and Master Kakashi who were in two different spots – what with Sasuke being in his own living room, trying to think up of more ways to show his angst and Kakashi lying on his bed, reading his Icha Icha book for the nth time – suddenly sneezed.
If they had been superstitious, they would've thought if that was an omen. Unfortunately, they were not Neji nor were they superstitious.
After he had been enlightened by Master Kakashi's re-runs of cowboy stories, Naruto was now on the way to round up some cows. His brain conveniently forgot to tell him that he had training today. Then again, he could care less about being a shinobi now. It was all about the ranching and the rounding up now!
He had gotten a horse yesterday, all thanks to the Snow Country Daimyo/Princess, of course.
Little did Naruto know that... there were no cows in Konoha. Or in any village near Konoha or in any hidden ninja village.
Sasuke had been more acquainted with his mother than his father back when he was all grins and smiles. It was only normal that he knew how to do housework. His mother's influence and living all alone made sure that he really did know how to do housework. And perhaps more than just that. On the days wherein he had no training or mission scheduled, he would lock himself up in his house with his limitless supplies of... cloths and needles and such.
Yes, Sasuke could sew. And he could sew pretty damn well, too. If an Uchiha did something, they made sure that they were the best at it.
All of a sudden, Sasuke had the vaguest idea about making a stuffed cow. How odd indeed.
Sakura blinked as she looked at the confectioneries she had just made. She was going to give them to her dearest Sasuke – it had yet to cross her mind that Sasuke didn't like sweets.
The confections were very pretty and some of them even glittered in the light. The only thing odd about them was that they looked quite oddly shaped. They were in the form of boots and hats and horses and... cows. And she hadn't even used any special cutters, too.
Maybe it had something to do with the fact that Naruto had been talking nonstop about becoming the world's greatest cowboy. It seemed as if he had managed to brainwash her with his mindless babble. She sighed. But then she grinned. Sasuke would still accept what she made because he loved her, didn't he? Of course!
She cheerfully placed the confections in cute-looking cloths and then placed aforementioned cloths in little transparent glass jars. She put these jars in a basket and then proceeded to skip to wherever Sasuke might be. She was sure that she would find him. After all, they were connected to each other by the red thread of fate!
Neji sneezed just as he placed his teacup on the table. He murmured a soft "excuse me" despite the fact that there was nobody else inside the room except for him – paranoia was inborn in noble clans – and wondered what had caused the sudden sneeze. The cold season must be nearing, he thought.
He looked at his teacup and noticed that there was a stalk floating in his green tea. Good luck, huh? He wondered what it was for. Perhaps something special – as special as things could go in hidden ninja villages – would happen today. Things seemed quite interesting. Whatever these things were.
Hinata was rather cheerful today. She had gotten on her father's good side and she had also managed to tie with her little sister when it came to sparring. She was lucky today, it seemed.
If she was lucky, then maybe... She blushed.
Then maybe Naruto might pay more attention to her today than he did all the other days. Or maybe she could talk properly to him today for once!
After three hours of searching around Konoha, Naruto had seen no cow. He trudged to where the training grounds were. It wasn't as if he suddenly remembered that he was supposed to be training with his teammates. It was just that the training grounds were his sanctuary of sorts. It was like a fourth home. The first being Ichiraku, the second being his dingy apartment, and the third being the Academy or wherever Iruka was.
He was greeted with the sight of Sakura's back when he entered the training grounds. He also noticed that Sasuke was there. Master Kakashi was nowhere in sight. It was then that he got slapped by the fact that he had practice or training or whatever it really was today.
He then uncharacteristically sighed and plopped himself on the dusty ground, not caring whether or not his blaring orange jumpsuit would get dirty. It was almost always dirty anyway.
Sakura turned around and looked at her other teammate. Though she did not see him in the same light as she did Sasuke, she still felt worried about him. He wasn't making any noise, nor was he trying to irritate the hell out of her, which she was quite thankful for, but, frankly, it seemed rather odd.
She decided that maybe Sasuke could wait another day. Anyway, the batch of sweets that she'd made weren't as nice as she wanted them to be.
Sasuke, who was leaning on one of the wooden posts, looked at Naruto. The moron was certainly out of it today. Not that he cared, of course.
"Are you alright, Naruto?" Sakura asked.
Naruto nodded. Sakura bit her lower lip, worry and anticipation evident in her eyes. This was so not right. He wasn't even cheering that she'd talked to him on her own will or that she worried for him. Whatever happened to him must've been really bad.
"Seriously, what's wrong?" she asked.
"It's nothing," Naruto said, after which he sighed dejectedly.
She crouched in front of him and produced her basket filled with goodies out of hammerspace – jarspace, to be more exact. She opened the lid of the jar and she presented the sweets to him.
"Take one," she said.
Naruto smiled a bit at that and took out a boot-shaped, orange-colored sweet. It made him sad to see the boots. It reminded him of his recent failure. Never could he ever become a cowboy! For what was a cowboy without the cow! One could never spell cowboy without the cow! But he quelled his sadness and his teenage cowboy angst and ate the candy.
It was very tasty. It was, after all, Sakura who had made it. Sweet Sakura. And it was only common sense that sweet people made sweet things.
"Thank you, Sakura," he said.
Sakura was still very worried and it showed. In her eyes, that is. Naruto wasn't acting like, well, Naruto.
Sasuke was also a bit concerned – partially concerned, to be precise, since his other, much darker self did not like the idea that he was being concerned over someone like Naruto – about his only blond teammate and the only ninja in the history of pwnful ninjas that ever wore orange. It was definitely quiet without Naruto's shouting and exclamations and such.
The peace was killing all of them.
"You know, Naruto, you can talk to us if there's anything wrong," Sakura said softly, "we're you're teammates and we care about you."
Naruto beamed, looking as if he had returned to his usual self.
"Nothing's wrong Sakura! As long as you're here!" he exclaimed.
Sakura smiled before she made a fist and bonked Naruto's head with it. The three of them knew that it was an affectionate gesture more than anything. Because if she was really irritated with him, he would've been ten feet under the ground. Literally.
"Don't get used to it though," she said.
When Master Kakashi arrived, things had still not gone back to normal even with the little bonding session that happened a few minutes ago. And even Master Kakashi himself was openly surprised at how things were at the moment. He was pretty much sure that he wouldn't get used to this sort of change.
It was like Obito without his orange goggles or something.
Though Master Kakashi did have an inkling as to why his loudmouthed student was extremely depressed, more so than Sasuke on his normal angsty days. It most likely had something to do that there was no cow in Konoha to be seen.
It was a very odd day indeed. And this was just the start, that was what Master Kakashi could feel.
He then shrugged himself out of the dramatic state of mind he had put himself in and opened his Icha Icha book before telling Squad Seven what they could and would do today. Drama was Gai's department, not his.
There were rumors spreading around Konoha about the deflation of one Naruto Uzumaki's vigor. This was a rumor that reached even the ears of the Hyuuga. Neji and Hinata's ears to be more exact.
The two of them were certainly alarmed. Both of them decided, and without the knowledge that the other was going to do the same, that if they were to meet Naruto, they would do their best to comfort him. After all, they wouldn't want their object of affections being depressed.
Hinata was obviously very much infatuated with Naruto. Neji was getting to that point.
Hinata made a special sort of tea which she would give to Naruto if ever she met him today. It was an anti-depressant of sorts and would make him feel better. She had a smile and a light blush on her face as she mixed the tea.
And when she finished mixing the tea, she decided that she just couldn't give it to Naruto on her own. She couldn't give it to him face-to-face. Not at all. She blushed hotly merely at the prospect of giving the thermos to him. She thought of how their fingers would touch slightly. She thought of innocent things, of course!
She decided to just leave it on Naruto's doorstep.
Neji went to Ichiraku. He was uncommon to the store and would usually not step inside of it because ramen was such a... commoner's food. Though that didn't mean that he was not common to what Naruto liked to eat in there.
The Byakugan had a lot of uses outside of combat, too.
But he knew that he could not give his little ramen sadness quenching gift. That would seem far too uncharacteristic and mushy for him. Which wasn't at all the sort of image of himself that he was planting inside Naruto. There was only one way to deliver to ramen to Naruto.
When he was facing Naruto's door, he found that there was already a little gift placed right beside the door. Neji frowned a bit. Someone had beaten him to the punch. He wouldn't be deterred though. Naruto had yet to open that gift.
Neji daintily placed the stack of ramen boxes beside the small gift and fled the scene with as much dignity he could muster, hoping that nobody had seen him in this act of... un-Nejiness.
Though he did hope that the gift would comfort and sooth Naruto of any ails he was experiencing right now.
By the time noon struck, there were more than just the gifts of Hinata and Neji that were lying innocently on Naruto's door. It seemed as if a lot of people really did care about the boy.
The urge to make a stuffed cow was beyond Sasuke's control now. The needles were glinting in the light and the cloths were beckoning him to them with the slight ruffling which they got from the breeze. His hands quivered as he picked the needle and began to work. He didn't know why he was doing this, he just was. He couldn't control The Urge anymore. He needed to do it!
And do it was what he just did.
When Naruto arrived at his doorstep, he was surprised to find the stacks of gifts placed there.
Why the gifts? It certainly wasn't his birthday today. Naruto had a puzzled look on his face as he opened his door and pushed all of the gifts inside. Then he grinned as soon as the door was locked. Well, they did say that one should accept all of the good luck that had been given to one. What was the use of rejecting nice things?
The fact that so many people had given him gifts – he was, at this point, assuming that the numerous gifts did not come from the same person – made him cheer up a bit. At least he knew that people other than Iruka and those from Squad Seven – with the exception of Sasuke-bastard, of course, though Inner Naruto would like to think that even the bastard cared – cared for him.
Still, this did not fill in the gap that the fact that he could not be a cowboy made. He was moping about even after he ate the bowls of ramen that were one of the gifts to him.
He just couldn't get over it. No, no, not at all. This latest failure of his was something that would certainly deter him from making any new steps. He felt like such a loser at life. Why couldn't he do anything right?! It wasn't fair! Not fair at all!
He was always accosted by fate in a harsh way. And what was worst was that he couldn't do anything about it.
After doing some more moping around inside his house, he decided to take a walk. In doing that, he was also subconsciously moping around the rest of Konoha, seemingly broadcasting the fact that he was more angsty at the moment than any other angsty ninja.
A few hours had passed since Naruto had decided to walk around Konoha, going down the short memory lane he had spent in his cowboy heaven. He had been such a fool to think that he would actually achieve this dream of his. He was truly deserving of the names moron and dead last!
His subconscious back-tracked. There was surely something wrong with him for him to admit those things. The cowboy situation had affected him far too much.
He sat on the edge of the renowned Hokage Mountain – also wondering how the hell he had gotten there in the first place – and sighed. All the planning and dreaming and hoping... they were all for nothing. Why did the Superior Beings like to torment him so? What had he done in his past life to receive such bad karma? Why was he channeling Neji so much today?!
He let another thunderous sigh before he laid himself on the ground. He looked at the sky and – dammit, he was channeling Shikamaru now! – frowned. This was definitely not his week. Sure he had received such nice gifts, but even such gifts would not mend his heart and his will that had been broken by the lack of cows in Konoha. None of them knew that he was suffering from a thing like that! They wouldn't be able to understand either!
Before he could sigh once again, something blocked his view of the sun.
"Something's wrong with you do– I mean, moron," someone said.
And only someone called Naruto with the name moron face front and unabashedly. That someone was Sasuke Uchiha.
Naruto sat up straight and faced Sasuke.
"The hell should you care, bastard?" Naruto asked.
"We're in a team, you idiot. If you're like that, most likely you'll easily get distracted – more so than the usual – and then you'll fuck up the mission," Sasuke said.
"And this comes from Mr. Angst-a-Lot."
Sasuke scoffed.
"At least when there's something on my mind, I still stay focused on the mission and nothing else but that. You're the type who gets easily flustered," he said.
Naruto jumped up straight and glared at Sasuke. His fists were clenched and he was breathing rather heavily.
"How should you know what I'm feeling?! You've never had any of your dreams crushed before!" Naruto exclaimed rather angrily.
"And what gives you the right to presume that?" Sasuke asked. "Just tell me what's wrong with you so I can proceed to beat the daylights out of you and make everything all normal again."
Of course, with Naruto and Sasuke, everything was solved with a simple near-death-sparring-experience. That was how most ninja best friends resolved everything anyway.
Naruto angrily and rapidly mumbled something which even Sasuke's overly sensitive ears were not able to catch.
"What was that again?" Sasuke asked.
Naruto's glare became fiercer.
"I said, bastard, that I wanted to become a cowboy!" he shouted.
Sasuke arched an eyebrow, obviously not believing a thing that Naruto had all but shouted into his face.
After a few minutes of silence, Sasuke uttered, "You... are a complete... moron. Did anyone tell you that aside from me?"
Naruto huffed.
Sasuke then started to walk away.
"Meet me in the usual training grounds tomorrow," he said.
Then he threw something at Naruto which the blond deftly caught. By the time Naruto finished examining the gift, Sasuke was already nowhere to be seen.
The thing that Sasuke had thrown at Naruto was a stuffed animal. A stuffed cow to be more exact. It was really well-made and, dare he say it, looked cute. But guys didn't think that stuffed animals were cute so he banished that from his mind.
It looked expensive. Because it was so nicely done. The stitches could barely be seen and everything was so proportionally correct in an adorable way.
All of a sudden, without even knowing why, a grin spread on his face.
"Thanks... bastard," he shouted, slightly hoping that maybe Sasuke had heard it. "I'll be looking forward to kicking your ass tomorrow!"
The cow's beady eyes glinted.
Naruto knew that even though he might've failed as a cowboy, surely... surely, he wouldn't fail as a ninja. He wouldn't fail Sasuke. And everyone else for that matter.
"I'll be the best, just you wait and see! I'll be Hokage!" Naruto exclaimed as he jumped and pumped a fist in the air, the cow being clutched by his other hand.
Sasuke's ears twitched. He was barely able to contain the smile on his face.
Some side of him... was actually rather glad that Naruto was back to normal.
And the other side of him hoped that Naruto would never know that it was he himself who made that cow. He would never be able to live it down.
"You're welcome... Naruto."
With that done, Happy Birthday, Kai-puu. I hope that you enjoyed reading through this and all. (Even if you didn't, I'd understand.)
Comments will be, as always, appreciated. Especially grammar-related ones since this was finished at around three in the morning. I most likely made a handful of mistakes.
Thank you to all who've read this.