Summary: What do you get when you cross a lustful Sei and an unsuspecting Yumi? Yuri. WARNING: If you object to lewd sexual remarks, avoid. CRACK. Not meant to be taken seriously.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Maria-sama ga Miteru or any of its characters.

Rating: T for adult content, sexual content, mild language, suggestive themes and rampant stupidity on my part.

Hot Coffee by The Denominator.

Dedicated to my seme. She epitomises Hot to the Power of Three.

In the beginning… there was tea.

There was a reason why only tea was ever served to the student council of Lillian Academy. It actually boiled down to a little math.

Hot sexually-stifled girls + hot coffee equals hot lesbian action.

Or as some called it, Hot to the Power of Three. Three was a great number. The Rule of Three, ménage a trois, the Three Musketeers, Three Blind Mice, Three Men and a Baby, 3x3 Eyes…

The number three had made its mark on the universe. And lesbians.

The Sisters had figured it all out during what they called the Great Mocha Latte Orgy of '79, when the Lillian stock of both black and green tea had finished, and they had decided to use coffee instead, just for the day. Just for one day, and what a mistake it had been. It took three hours and a team of twelve Sisters to tear the Yamayurikai members off one another. It took a whole lot of counselling afterward to explain to the girls what had happened. After the coffee had been flushed out of the students' systems, the Sisters swore never again to let the cocoa bean pass the gates of Lillian and to their garden of not-so-pure-anymore maidens ever again.

And for a couple more decades, it had worked. The thing about coffee, was that it was made from the cocoa bean, which was used to make chocolate, which was a mild aphrodisiac. Chocolate and cocoa were fine. Chocolate was not hot, and cocoa was not potent. But coffee…everything was Just Right. And it only took the girls a little stimulation to set them off.

And set them off it did…

Sei's Place

"Oh? What's this? Instant coffee?" Satou Sei asked, looking at the jar, opening it and sniffing its contents.

"Yeah. It really helps to keep you up at night," Katou Kei explained.

"I've never had it before."

"Really?" Kei asked, sounding a little surprised.

"Yeah, for some reason they never let us have any in high school."

"It's great," said Kei. "It's a good thing I gave you a jar of it, then."

"Okay. I'll make a thermos full to go."

"To go?"

"Yeah. I'm meeting Yumi today," Sei said, grinning.

The Rose Mansion

Sei arrived at the Rose Mansion where she found Yumi waiting for her, sitting at the table, looking over some papers. The other members of the Yamayurikai were already gone.

"Sei!" Yumi exclaimed.

"Sorry, I'm late. But I was making something to drink," Sei explained, shaking the thermos in her hand.

"What is it?"

"Coffee," Sei answered.

"You had any?"

"No. But I should…"

"Here, I'll get you something to drink it in," Yumi said, heading over to the cupboard.

Sei unscrewed the top of the thermos and gratefully accepted the mug Yumi handed her. She poured a bit of it into the mug. The steam evanesced, and after blowing on it for a while, Sei took a sip.

"How is it?" Yumi asked.

"Bitter," Sei said, but continued drinking. "It's supposed to help me stay up at night."

Sei finished the coffee and gave the mug to Yumi who went to wash it and put it away.

"Now let's go on that date, Yumi."

"Don't call it a 'date'. But, where to?" Yumi asked from the sink.

"It's free movie day at the university. They're showing foreign films on a projector and screen on the grounds."

"What are they showing?"

"I don't know, but I think it's a horror movie marathon. They're starting with something called the Exorcist and then closing off with Gigli."

They were quiet for a moment. And then, something started to happen. At first Sei thought she was sweating because she just drank something hot, but even as she moved to the window and felt the cool autumn air on her skin, she still continued to sweat.

Ah… my eyes…

She rubbed her eyes. For some reason, everything started to look blurry. Sei grabbed the windowsill to keep her balance as her legs had suddenly started to go weak.

What's… going on… with… me?

Through her blurred vision, she watched Yumi at the sink.

Legs… weak… eyesight… poor… undies… wet…

And suddenly, Sei felt better. No, she felt better than better. She felt best. Like she had bummed a magic carpet ride with Aladdin and Jasmine and a whole new world had suddenly been shown to her. A whole new hopefully soon-to-be naked world.

"All done," Yumi said wiping her hands dry, moving to her belongings on the desk afterward. "Just let me pack away my books. I was studying before you came. I have my college entrance exams coming soon."

Sei grinned. She sidled up beside the younger girl, a hand on the table and a hand on her hip.

"Hey, baby. Let's skip the movie and go make our own," Sei suggested, winking.

Yumi laughed.

"What is that? Your best impersonation of a dirty old man? I have to say, it's very good."

Sei blinked.

DON'T! What the hell is wrong with me?! I'm trying to pick up YUMI. And by the way, 'Hey, baby.'? God, I can do better than that!

"I…" Sei began.

And for some reason, Sei suddenly became very attracted to skinny, shapeless, plain-looking girls who went by the name of 'Fukuzawa Yumi'.

"Yumi, you're…"

"I'm?"

What's this feeling in my bones? Why am I so terribly… terribly… terribly… HORNY?

Sei watched Yumi put her pencil case in her satchel, and she thought the single movement screamed sexuality. Sei never really thought about Yumi in that—

"Yeah right!" Sei snickered. "Why the hell did I spend all of my third year molesting her, then?"

So Sei actually really thought about Yumi in that way. She had entertained the idea of being physical with Yumi on more than one occasion, apparently.

"Molesting who?" Yumi stopped to ask.

"I didn't say 'molesting'," Sei said, coughing, "I said 'crabgrass'."

"Oh."

Sei could not take it anymore. She suddenly grabbed Yumi and turned her towards her, looking into the smaller girl's pretty brown eyes with her own smouldering grey ones.

"Yumi."

"Sei?"

Ah! She said my name!

"Yumi."

"Is… something wrong?"

Can't she see how turned on I am?

"You…" Sei sighed, "you should pack your pencil case after you pack the books."

"Oh! Thanks for the advice. You always have useful things to share, don't you Sei?" Yumi said cheerfully.

Sei let her go and allowed her to finish packing. She thought it astounding that Yumi couldn't practically see the pheromones pouring out of her body.

God, I just want to slam her against the wall and take her from behind…

"What are you thinking Sei?" Yumi asked.

"A Separate Peace is a classic American novel that delves into the dynamics of the jealousies, friendships and ambitions exhibited in all-boys' private school. Set in the backdrop of a World War, where insecurity and fear…"

Yumi looked at her strangely.

"That's interesting," Yumi commented, laughing a bit. "Is that the book you're studying in university?"

Must not… grope… Yumi…

"Yeah," Sei mumbled. "Book… read… good… fairies…"

"Sei."

"Mmm?"

"You're drooling. Really badly."

"Oh," Sei said, wiping the corners of her mouth with the back of her sleeve, "I skipped lunch. I guess I must be, uh, hungry."

"Oh. You should have said something. What do you want to eat?"

You…

"Eat?" Sei asked, her voice cracking.

"Yeah! You could just go down—"

On you?

"—town and get some take-out," Yumi continued, "I'll come with you."

You'll… come?

"O…kay," Sei squeaked, trying to contain herself.

"Oh!" Yumi continued, "there's this new pastry shop and they got the greatest cherry pie in all of Japan."

Sei twitched.

"Or, or, or!" Yumi exclaimed, getting just as excited as Sei, though for different reasons, "we can have some exotic cuisine! Let's get some Mexican food. I've never had tacos."

Sei swallowed.

Yumi tapped her chin lightly before continuing, "Unless you want sushi—"

Sei took a step back.

"AH. Excuse me," she nearly shouted, leaving the room.

Yumi, for her part thought Sei was acting quite strangely. When Sei returned, Yumi wanted to ask her why she was shivering and why her head was now soaking wet but resisted. Sei was a little odd sometimes.

"Are you… okay?" Yumi asked.

"C-C-Cold water's… r-r-really c-c-cold," Sei chattered.

At least I've cooled down.

Fortunately for her, Yumi said she had swimming classes earlier and brought forth a towel from her bag and gave it to Sei. Sei then took it and tried to suffocate herself for picturing Yumi in a bathing suit.

"You're very thorough, aren't you Sei?" Yumi said, smiling.

"Harrumph boobs moofle," Sei said, the towel still over her head.

"What was that?"

"Oh, uh, I didn't tell you?" Sei dug around for an excuse as she gave the towel back to Yumi. "I'm learning to speak German. Uh, yeah. Guten morgen! Auf slipperynipplezehn."

"I admire you so much, Sei!" Yumi said, her eyes getting sparkly.

"Shall we sex—I mean walk. WALK," Sei said, slapping a palm against her forehead.

I shouldn't freak. It's easy to confuse those two words. Everyone does it!

"Okay," Yumi said, grabbing her satchel and slinging it over a shoulder.

Sei took a deep breath, composed herself, and headed over to Yumi.

I have self-control. I can do this.

She slapped Yumi on the bum and said, "Let's go."

"S-Sei!" Yumi cried, going red.

"Hmm?"

"Y-Y-You!"

"Oh, relax," Sei said idly, "it's not like I squeezed it, too."

Lillian's Grounds

They got out of the Rose Mansion and headed down the ginkgo nut-littered grounds. It was autumn, and the leaves had turned lovely brown and orange colours. Despite the overwhelming scent of the ginkgos, it was a beautiful walk to get out of Lillian.

Must not… throw Yumi… in… the… bushes…

"Sei?"

"Moo?"

"Uh," Yumi paused before going on, "you've been acting really weird since you came."

"Weird?" Sei laughed. "Me? No way. You're the weird one. Getting all paranoid for nothing…and pointing fingers at me… and having such a cute little ass that I just want to pinch…"

"What was that?"

"Dostoyevsky's 'The Idiot' tells the story of the epileptic Prince Myshkin and his interactions with…"

Yumi decided that she would let Sei go on. After all, it was not often one heard a half a minute summary of one of Russia's most prolific writer's work.

"Strange," Yumi said to herself.

Meanwhile, Sei struggled to have a hold of the ten percent of her brain that was not totally corrupted by the coffee.

She's… underage… statutory… rape… five to ten years… no probation…

"Sei?"

"…Yeah?"

"What are you thinking about?"

Thinking about the possibility of upside-down sixty-nine underwater.

"Quantum physics," Sei answered. "And there's my car."

The Beetle

Sei shut the door and sat down in the car, waiting for Yumi to get inside properly and close the door as well. When she did, her first instincts were to put on her seatbelt, check her rear-view, look at the side mirror, start the car and speed off. However, she thought making out with Yumi was looking a lot more promising.

Sei leaned over and tried to plant a wet one on the unwary girl's lips. Yumi of course, being a Catholic, was able to dodge Sei's attack.

"What are you doing?" Yumi shrieked.

Crap! Okay, Satou. Give her an excuse.

"Trying to deflower you."

"What?!"

That's not an excuse! That's the truth! What the hell is wrong with me?!

Sei laughed nervously.

"I was kidding!" she said, grinning forcedly. "When I said 'deflower', it's not anything sexual. I meant something more along the lines of 'taking your virginity.'"

"What?!"

"I mean, having sex—"

"What?!"

"Making love—"

"What?!"

"Doing the horizontal tango—"

"What?!"

"Screwing you senseless—"

"What?!"

"Putting the peanut in the peanut hole—"

"What?!"

"Okay, that one doesn't count—I don't have a peanut…"

"Sei!" Yumi cried, an anxious look in her eye."Are you trying to say that you want to do that with me?!"

"If by 'that' you mean deep-sea diving between your legs, then yes," Sei answered, nodding.

"But, but…" Yumi stammered, "it's me!"

Sei looked at her amorously, "I know it's you, Yumi. I'm looking at only one woman right now and it's you. I like you. You think I'd want this with anyone else? You really mean a lot to me, and—holy cow, that chick's got two big ones!"

Sei, like any normal person caught in the throes of passion with a long-time friend, glanced outside the car and observed the well-endowed passer-by on the street.

"Hey, Got Milk, Yumi?" Sei chuckled, grinning and winking.

Yumi made a face.

"You're not convincing me to let you get under my skirt, by the way," Yumi said indignantly.

"Will you let me touch you, Yumi?"

Yumi scoffed.

"No way! Something's wrong with you. You don't normally act this way!"

"What do you mean?" Sei asked.

"Well, for example, name one time you ever asked permission before groping me."

Sei paused.

She's right. I usually just grab and go.

"Did you take drugs before you came over?" Yumi questioned.

"No," Sei recollected, "the only thing I had was the coffee."

"The coffee…" Yumi mused.

"The coffee," Sei repeated.

"Coffee…"

"Coffee…"

"The coffee."

"The coffee."

"Sei."

"Yumi.

"Sei," Yumi said, her eyes growing wide with comprehension, "are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"If you're thinking what I'm thinking," Sei said excitedly.

"I think I'm thinking what you're thinking. So we're thinking the same thing?"

"Yeah," Sei said, nodding vigorously. "You'd look great in a sexy pirate costume."

"No!" Yumi shouted, "It's the coffee, you idiot!"

"So…no sexy pirate costume?" Sei asked.

"Uh, no," said Yumi, shaking her head.

"How about a maid?"

"No," she said flatly.

"I got it! Catholic schoolgirl!"

"Are you on Stupid or something?" Yumi cried.

"Holy shit!" Sei said, her hands getting itchy and her eyes growing wide. "You're already in a school girl costume! Oh my God, and you even got a sailor collar! I just died and went to heaven just now…"

"You pervert!"

Yumi opened the car door and bolted out.

"Where are you going?" Sei shouted after her.

"To find a way to cure you!"

Lillian's Grounds.

Did you miss me?

Sei followed Yumi, chasing her like a good axe murderer, around the grounds.

"Oh come on, Yumi!" Sei shouted as she ran. "You know you want some of this!"

"Not this way!" Yumi shouted, looking back and sticking her tongue out.

"What you did there was the same as signing a legal affidavit to go down on me in the backseat of my car, Yumi!"

God damn it! I had no idea she could run that fast! She must got some killer legs.

Sei stopped running for a moment to wipe her mouth and then picked back up. She watched as Yumi headed inside the school building.

OH MY GOD. Sexy school girl fantasies about doing it on the teacher's desk… Yumi, you really DO love me!

The school building

Sei looked at her watch. She had been patrolling the halls for nearly ten minutes looking out for Yumi—hopefully dressed as a pirate maid schoolgirl—but did not see the object of her desire. And in her boredom, Sei's inner otaku went on a rampage.

Fukuzawa Yumi. Ordinary Japanese girl or the daughter of space cowboy pirates sent from the future to restore the honour of their clan and avenge the death of their giant robot leader by using the descendent of the Samurai Ninja Beast King's maid—Yumi—to act as a teenaged Catholic school girl fluent in French and mahou shoujo attacks (along with her companion, a tiny fluffy rabbit bird elf with healing abilities and a giant sword) to be the Etoile or Jyu Oh Sei or The Paper or Suzumiya Haruhi…

Sei made a mental note to book a ticket to the next anime convention in town. And take Yumi there with her.

"Yumi!" Sei called. "I'm not getting any younger! You can't keep me waiting! In fact if I was a guy, I'd be pretty limp right now, and it would not be from all the running!"

"Sei!"

Sei turned around and saw Yumi standing in the hall, her hands on her hips.

"Yumi!" she said cheerfully. "Come on! The music room's unlocked! Let's go and make beautiful music there! I'm good with the flute, you know."

Yumi did not budge.

"Sei," she said, sighing, "I really wouldn't mind doing it with you another time, but right now, I think you're under the influence. And I couldn't bring myself to sleep with you tonight and have you bolt on me around six in the morning when you realise that it was all a drunken mistake and that you forgot to use protection. No. I want our first time together to be wonderful."

Sei made a face.

"Does that mean…no sex?" she asked, scratching her head.

Yumi slapped her forehead.

"Fine. Come over here," Yumi said exasperatedly.

Sei looked around and behind her and then pointed at herself mouthing 'Me?' to Yumi. Yumi nodded. Sei hopped a little closer.

"Come here, girl," Yumi said gently, sticking her hand out, "come on. That's a good girl."

Sei bit her lip and hopped closer.

"There's a good Sei," Yumi said, "Now Sister!"

And out of nowhere—actually, out of a classroom—came a net.

"What the hell?!" Sei shouted, falling to the ground as she was captured.

She looked up from her netty confinements to see both Yumi and the principal of the school, Sister Saori, looking down at her.

Evil nun bitch!

Sei struggled in the net.

"Now dump the mud on her!" the Sister shouted.

Sei held her breath as a bucket of mud was dumped over her head.

"Hold her down while I move the net," Sister Saori said.

Sei did not mind Yumi holding her down. In fact she welcomed it. And Yumi was getting some of the mud on her too…

This is like every dirty dream come true! Except with the old bag nun…

"Didn't know you liked being on top," Sei said, grinning.

Yumi rolled her eyes.

"Open up, Satou Sei," said the nun.

Sei felt her mouth being wrenched open and a heinous liquid being poured down her throat. Sei started spluttering and Yumi helped her to sit up and cough.

"Oh my God!" Sei gagged. "What did you just give me to drink?!"

"Red Bull."

Sei spluttered, spitting whatever was left out of her mouth.

"Ack! Poison! Poison!"

Sei heaved a little, and she felt Yumi patting her back.

"You are cured," said Sister Saori.

"That cured me?" Sei asked. "What are you doing here? Where did you get a net? And what's with the mud?"

Sister Saori patiently answered all her questions.

"The contents of this silver and blue can work mysteriously. We nuns have harnessed its powers over the years and use it to do our bidding. I am here because Miss Fukuzawa sought my help. Apparently, she's been reading the school's history books and learnt of the Great Mocha Latte Orgy of '38."

"Um, '79," Yumi corrected.

"Oh, yes," Sister Saori said, "I forgot time passes differently for mortals…"

"And the net?" Sei pressed on, drinking from the bottle of Pepto Bismol Yumi handed her to get the stink of sugary bovine semen out of her mouth.

"Everyone has a net," the nun said, looking at Sei oddly.

"Of course…and the mud?"

"That was Miss Fukuzawa's idea."

Sei looked at Yumi who stared at the ceiling, whistling.

Sister Saori concluded, "Just stay away from coffee in the future lest you want the caffeinated jitters again. And remember…"

"Yes?"

"Jesus loves you," she said gently, "and lubricants damage condoms. But you should not care, since Catholicism bans the use of contraception. And you're one of those Lebanese, right?"

"I don't think that's quite the word," Yumi mumbled.

Sei's eyes filled with tears.

"Thank you, Sister," she said, "this is the second time you've helped me."

"Oh yeah," the nun pondered aloud, "I counselled you during the time with that skank ho, Shiori."

"She wasn't a skank!" Sei said defensively. "That was the most expensive ass I ever tapped! I had to use three birthdays' worth of savings on that girl!"

"Yes, yes, of course," said Sister Saori. "Miss Fukuzawa? Will you please accompany Miss Satou home and make sure she is all right for the rest of the evening?"

"Yeah," said Yumi.

"And if she starts acting strangely again, try using RC Cola on her."

Sei nearly upchucked into her mouth. Drain water had much more appeal to her. She watched the nun leave, heading back to her cave. Sei looked at Yumi.

How do I begin to apologise?

"Let's get you home, Sei," Yumi said smiling, and Sei felt a little bit better.

Sei's Place: Reloaded

"Wow. Today was so tiring. I'm glad you got it all out of your system, Sei," Yumi said, grinning wearily.

"Me too," Sei said sighing, "and I'm really sorry about trying to jump your bones, Yumi."

"It's okay—it could have been worse. We might have actually ended up seeing that Gigli movie today."

"Oh. Oh, you're right," Sei grimaced.

"Well, you should go take a shower. You're still covered in mud. I'll keep myself busy."

"Okay," Sei said, "And hey…"

"Yeah?"

"Why'd you throw mud on me?"

Yumi's ears went red.

"Come on," Sei urged.

"You're… you're really attractive," Yumi mumbled, "and today, when I saw you undressing me with your eyes—"

"Sorry about that."

"—it's all right."

"Go on."

Yumi sighed before continuing, "When I saw you really wanting me, I got… I dunno… excited. I thought the mud made you cuter."

"Excited? Like 'It's my birthday! I hope I didn't get socks!' excited, or 'Man, I finally have a Level 100 Pikachu' excited or—" Sei tried.

Yumi cut her off.

"Like 'I'm utterly gone for this woman and I want to have sex with her someday.' kind of excited."

Sei smiled.

"Really?"

"Really."

"How about we set a date then?" Sei asked.

Yumi sighed.

"How about we go on a date, first," Yumi suggested.

"I like that. Smart thinking."

Sei headed off to her bedroom—she left Yumi in the kitchen—where she undressed and then went to the shower. Washing all the mud off her skin, she felt refreshed, as though she was washing all her bad deeds for the day away too. Sei got out of the shower and went back to her bedroom to change.

"Yumi!" she called, while drying her skin. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I just made some cocoa. Watching the TV now!" came the response.

That's good. At least she hasn't run away.

Sei dug around in her drawers and got out her underwear. She had her panties halfway up her legs when a thought suddenly hit her.

Wait… I don't have any cocoa.

"Hey… Sei."

Sei turned around, still bending a little from holding onto her underwear, with a deer-caught-in-the-headlights expression on her face. Yumi stood in her doorway, her face flushed, with one hand on the frame supporting her weight and the other loosening the tied scarf of her uniform.

Oh no…

Yumi breathed a little heavily, her eyes glazed over, as she said, "Hey, Sei. You got anything to eat around here? I'm a little hungry."

Sei gulped.

A/N

I want to apologise for insulting people's intelligence with that, but it was late and I had one too many mugs o' coffee myself before writing this.

Title taken from the infamous 'Hot Coffee' mini-game in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.

All the Threes – I own not one of them, therefore I disclaim.

Aladdin and Jasmine – reference to that scene in Disney's Aladdin where he pretends he's Prince Ali and carries her off into the night where they sing 'A Whole New World'.

Cherry pie, tacos, sushi – all really gross metaphors for a woman's private area. I didn't make them up and I wash my hands of them.

The Exorcist – the answer to my question: What if Satan ever came on earth? I had nightmares for months after watching this for the first time…when I was sixteen…

Gigli – movie starring Bennifer the First. I don't see why people ragged on it so much—it was the greatest comedy I ever saw.

A Separate Peace – novel by John Knowles. It's psychopathic yaoi for the subtext, IMHO.

The Idiot – novel by Fyodor Dostoyevsky. Warning: if you ever plan to read it, keep a notebook next to you to keep track of the characters and their relationships. There are lots.

Died and gone to heaven – Japanese euphemism for having an orgasm.

In the otaku paragraph, I blatantly reference several anime: Read or Die, Jyu Oh Sei, The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, Strawberry Panic! and subtly reference anime with magical girls who scream out their attack names (cough, Sailor Moon) and anime with annoying little creatures following them around (cough, Tsubasa Chronicle) and anime with robots (cough, anything made between 1985 – present.)

Red Bull and RC Cola – both taste really gross, if you ask me.

Lebanese – used by Ellen De Generes when counterattacking the people who were minding her business before she came out. I think she made a joke something like 'Yes, I'm Lebanese.' Correct me if I'm wrong.

Yeah, ladies, I have a Level 100 Pikachu. Swoon I say.

Again, please if commenting do not flame me saying that I'm a pervert—I hear that on a daily basis. I would rather get criticism on my work. Other than that, thank you for reading.

If it made you grin, tell me. Review, people, review! I like them, you know.