The Cullen’s Moments of Randomness Chapter 9: Alice Tries to Cook, a twilight fanfic

A/N: Ok! Here's Alice tries to cook! And fyi: Bella is still human in this one. I think she will be a vampire in later ones but not yet.

Disclaimer: I don't wanna put a disclaimer. No one likes disclaimers. Disclaimers are- (slap) I don't own Twilight! Please don't eat me…

The Cullen's Moments of Randomness

Alice Tries to Cook

BPOV

I wiped flour and chunky yogurt out of my eyes as I crouched on the sticky tiled floor. Then I peeled a slightly purple pickle slice off my jeans. IZZSSSSSSSSSS! The oven started to squeal and steam.

"Ok, Bella. All we need to do now is throw some raisins in there." Alice said calmly. She opened the overcrowded oven and threw multiple raisins into the massive, dripping, red lump. Green smoke started to fill the kitchen.

" Alice , I think you've gone too far!" I half screamed. Some nasty brown and yellow liquid started to drip off the ceiling. Was that the banana?

BOOOOM! I covered my face with my hands as grey spicy chicken wings flew out of the now demolished microwave. They landed with a sickening CRUNCH! against the stained wall, and fell into a puddle of… well… I'm not entirely sure what it fell into.

Ok, you are probably wondering how this all started. And I have a very good explanation! Here, let me show you…

~~~~~ REWIND! ~~~~~

"Don't worry, Bella. I'm only going to be gone for a day. I'm sure Alice and Emmet have a lot in store for you." Edward said.

A beetle flew lazily past my ear. It turned and landed on my arm. Its midnight black shell reminded me of Edward's eyes, getting darker and darker every day he postponed his hunting trip. I held out my finger, and it slowly crawled upon it. Then I held the bug up and let it fly away. I glanced over at Esme, who was planting expensive looking plants in their front yard.

The wind rustled Edward's bronze hair, and made the surrounding leaves shiver. His perfectly wonderfully amazingly gorgeous features suddenly started to sparkle as the sun playfully peeked out from underneath the grey clouds.

I hugged Edward, to make sure I wasn't dreaming. He wrapped his cold arms around me, and I sighed.

"What's wrong darling?" He whispered in my ear.

I shrugged and answered, "I guess I'm just nervous about being alone with Alice and Emmet. You know how much trouble they can get into. And, why can't I just stay home? It's not like I need to be baby sat or anything."

Edward chuckled and replied, "Well Bella, to tell you the truth, I really don't think you need babysitting. I think its Emmet and Alice that needs to be baby sat. I mean, Emmet almost set the house and the school on fire. And Alice … well… let's just say she sometimes gets some pretty strange ideas."

I laughed, and Edward soon joined me. Wow, his laugh is amazing. I thought to myself. I sighed and looked deeply into his eyes.

I suddenly heard a huge crash, like twenty mirrors breaking. I quickly looked up at Emmett's window, and saw him jumping out of it. The broken shards of glass flew like daggers right to where Esme was tending her flowers. I gasped, even though I knew she wouldn't be hurt.

"I believe I can fly! I believe I can be a flying squirrel! I-" Emmett sung, very off pitch. There was a grey blanket tied around both wrists and ankles and sparkles coving every inch of Emmett's enormous body. He had grey animal ears attached to his hair, and whiskers painted on his cheeks.

But, unlike his wish, Emmett dropped like a stone. Dust flew up from his landing spot and the ground shook with incredible force. I fell backwards into Edwards arms because of the tremor. The world was silent for a moment after the collision. I held my breath, trying to find some conclusion of why Emmett would attempt anything so stupid and dangerous, especially with Esme right under the window with her expansive tropical plants?

The dust cleared slowly, and then pandemonium broke out from every vampire in the clearing. Edward pulled my along to join the circle around Esme's garden. Carlisle was brushing the glass off Esme, saying in a slightly panicked voice, "Esme, Esme dear! What's wrong?"

Possibilities of what could have happened ran through my mind, but I wasn't sure what had happened. She slowly opened her eyes, dust falling from her dark lashes. A sigh ran out through the semi circle, but Esme still curled and a tight ball, even when Carlisle tried to lift her off the ground.

"Is it over?" She asked skeptically. Carlisle nodded furiously at a loss for words. Esme uncurled herself and a second gasp ran through the audience. All along, she hadn't been hurt, but she was protecting a small flower from being blown from smithereens.

The flower was a delicate white, the soft pedals curling gently. The center was a brilliant golden color, and a sweet odor wafted through the air. It still stood tall, the soil around it undisturbed.

Carlisle bent down and stroked Esme's dusty face. They smiled and kissed with such passion that I turned away embarrassedly. I looking up at Edward's sober face, I gave him a quizzical look. He looked down at me with a certain look in his eye, though I couldn't tell what.

"It's the same type flower Carlisle gave to Esme when he proposed. They're worth thousands these days." Edward whispered to me as he led me by the waist to his front door. Suddenly he paused, and quickly looked over his shoulder with blinding speed. I looked too, just not as fast.

Esme was reaching into the hole Emmett was lodged into, and at first I thought she was helping him get up. But she suddenly pulled her arm back, sending Emmett flying. If I had blinked I would have missed it. He soared through the air, shock painted on his face, a scream escaping from his lungs.

He became a tiny dot on the horizon, but everyone else kept watching long after my human eyes lost sight of him. Edward sighed and shook his head. I suddenly noticed that most of the Cullen's had silently crept into their car without even giving a second thought of where Emmett might have landed.

"Come on Edward, Bella is looking more appetizing by the minute!" shouted Rosalie from the car. Even in a dirty T-shirt and ripped jeans, Rosalie still looked amazing. Edward shot her a death glare then gave me a last kiss and ran off to the car.

He turned around and said, "Bella, if anything happens, just try to call me. Although, we're going to an empty forest in Minnesota, so there might not be very good connection. I love you."

He smiled, and I waved him as he drove away with Jasper and Rosalie in one car, followed by Carlisle and Esme in a different car.

I sighed and turned around. Alice ran out of nowhere and grabbed my hand. "Come on, Bella, I've got a surprise!" She dragged me into the house, and into their kitchen.

It was transformed. Instead of looking new and unused, it was covered with cooking appliances of every kind. Toasters, blenders, recipe books, microwaves, cutting boards, utensils, bowls, and even some things that I couldn't even recognize filled the counterpace. There was also food covering every single utensil. I saw flour, sugar, vegetables, oats, apples, icing, and so much more.

"Umm… Alice? What's this all for?" I asked.

She giggled and said, "I'm going to cook for you, silly! This will be so much fun!" She started to hop up and down. She seemed so happy, that I didn't want to bust her bubble.

"Wow, that sounds… great!" I said nervously as I watched her flip open a thick cook book. She started to shuffle through the pages, muttering under her breath.

Alice pointed to a page and said, "Ah ha! It's perfect!" I walked over to where Alice was standing, and looked at the page she was pointing to. "Today we will make twice fried banana-tuna casserole with extremely spicy hot chicken wings and a shredded carrot and raisin pot pie to top it off. That sounds pretty good, right?" She looked at me hopefully.

What kind of cook book was she using? "Umm, wow! I mean all I can say is wow." I said truthfully. She smiled gleefully and danced over to the counter.

Setting the cook book down, she started to read the ingredients. "Alright, let's start with the pot pie so we can give it time to bake and cool, just like it says in the book." Well, I was glad she was making some sense. She ordered me to get the carrots out of the refrigerator and I obediently complied.

With blinding speed, Alice swiped a huge knife off the counter. I nervously watched as she placed the carrot on the counter and hovered the utensil above the carrot. Before I could stop her, Alice had smashed the knife onto the middle of the vegetable, splitting the carrot and the knife right in half.

I gasped and quickly snatched all the pieces away from Alice. "Alice, let me show you how to cut a carrot." I said in a light voice. I hoped she didn't catch the frustration in my words. Getting a new knife, a cutting board to put over the deep scratch in the granite countertop, and another carrot, I showed Alice how to cut it into neat pieces.

She nodded and then grabbed the knife from me. Before I could blink, Alice had cut all the bags of carrots she had, which must have been close to 50 carrots. I gasped as she slowed down and put the carrot shreds in a metal baking pan. The orange carrot slices overflowed over the sides and towered way over the top.

"Now for the dough!" Alice said cheerfully before I had a chance to react. She grabbed a medium bowl, and clanged the red plastic loudly against the counter. Running over to the refrigerator, she opened the huge metal doors and I lost sight of her tiny stature.

Suddenly, ingredients started to fly out of the refrigerator. Strange blue liquid splattered against the back wall and peppers, onions and apples soared through the air and landed to the right of me. Multiple other ingredients took their turn to be chucked out of the refrigerator onto the floor, walls, or me.

Alice suddenly emerged from the refrigerator, carrying three cartons of eggs and a gallon of milk. She poured the milk into the bowl, and then added about thirty eggs with the shells still on to the mixture.

Realizing I was just standing in the middle of the kitchen doing nothing, Alice looked up at me. She smiled at me with an innocent gaze.

"Bella, can you get the flour and add it to the dough?" She asked. I nodded, thinking that it would be a simple job.

I walked to the other side of the room where huge sacks of flour, sugar, and salt were sitting. As I lifted the flour, my knees buckled under the weight. Just as I got control of my movements, a loud whirring noise started.

Turning swiftly, I saw Alice stick a fast moving and very complicated piece of machinery mixing the liquidly-crunchy slop of eggs and milk. Eggshells flew in every direction, crashing into walls, the ceiling, cooking utensils and me. One hit my nose and, in my surprise and pitiful athleticism, the bag of flour in my arms tipped over and fell to the tiled ground.

Flour dust filled the air, making me cough as I sputtered, "Alice! I think this might be a bad idea!" Threw the dust I could see Alice had already poured the carrots into the milk-egg bowl and was stuffing it into the oven.

"Nonsense!" She giggled as she pressed random buttons on the oven. I watched in a daze as Alice sped over to a huge steel door I hadn't noticed before that was at the back of her kitchen. She pulled open the heavy door as if it was a feather and a gust of cold air swept throughout the kitchen.

"You have a walk-in freezer?" I gasped in surprise. Alice only giggled from somewhere inside the freezer, her angelic voice echoing in the gigantic freezer. She walked out with an armful of icy/spicy chicken wings and shut the door with her foot. In an instant, she was prancing over to the microwave and stuffing the numerous wings into the too small box.

"Alice…!" I warned her. She rolled her eyes, mumbled something about nagging that I couldn't exactly hear, and went along pressing any button she could find on the microwave. A high pitched humming filled the air as she turned on the microwave at full power and the time for five hours.

"Alice!" I screamed, but she ignored me.

"Common Bella! Let's make some twice fried banana tuna casserole!" Alice giggled and grabbed my hand, dragging me over to the counter where all of the ingredients had been mysteriously placed on the counter already. Alice excitedly dipped a banana in a bowl of strange brawn sauce.

"Alice…what's that?" I asked as politely as possible.

"A banana and soy sauce with milk in it!" She shouted enthusiastically. I paused a moment to watch Alice stir the banana around in the brew. "Alice, Umm, just a few things. Number 1, you're supposed to peel the banana before you cook with it." Alice looked at the banana then at me then back at the banana then back at me then back at the banana. She shrugged and tore the top half of the banana peel off then stuck the banana back into her mixture of milk and soy sauce.

I sighed and said "You have to peel it all the way." I said slightly frustrated that she didn't even know what to do with a banana. I mean it's a banana! Alice pouted for a second then forcefully grabbed the banana out of the bowl. It shot out of its peel and onto the ceiling like a firework.

An odd smell started to fill the kitchen, and I truthfully had no idea of what it was. Again, Alice flew to the refrigerator and started to pelt me with more ingredients while murmuring, "Raisins, raisins, where are those raisins?"

Some obviously overdue and chunky yogurt flew into my eyes. I gasped and stumbled backwards, right onto the bag of half open flour. Even stranger smells filled the air as I fell into the four bags, getting the dust into my eyes, nose, hair, everywhere.

" Alice , I think you've gone too far!" I half screamed. Some nasty brown and yellow liquid started to drip off the ceiling. Was that the banana?

And that is how it happened. I promise.

Suddenly, the kitchen door swung open with none other than Edward standing at the doorway.

"Oh, Bella I just came back to tell you not to let Alice…" Edward fell silent at the sight of the kitchen. Without a sound he turned around and marched back outside with a strange look on his face. After a short pause, Esme's piercing scream filled the air; "MY KITCHEN!!!"

And I knew it was the end of me.

A/N: I'm going to be nice today and tell you the name of the next chapter. It's "Emmett Freezes into the Future" And, if you were smart, you would know what it is about!

PS: See Emmett destroyed the fluffy moments again!

Emmett: … … … …

Oh wait I forgot that Emmett is still lost in the forest…