Part I of the Wartime Chronicles

Confusion

By Vertigo

Harry was spending a few days at Grimmauld Place resting, he just had returned from the Dursley's and was yet to visit Godric's Hollow. He knew that one trip would take a lot out of him physically and especially emotionally. So he was spending a few weeks with everyone's favorite werewolf and building up the strength to follow through with his other plans for summer.

Ron and Hermione despite wanting to be with him couldn't. Harry told them both they needed to stay with their family's before going Horcrux hunting. They might not see them for a very long time after all. So Hermione returned to her Dentist parents and Ron went back to the Burrow. They'd leave just after Bill's wedding which would take place at the twentieth of august, six weeks from now.

Every member of the Order had been invited for the wedding and a happy mood swallowed everyone whole, everyone but Harry that is. He was relieved that everyone could find happiness at times like these, but truthfully he really couldn't understand them. Dumbledore had just died, the Death Eater attacks increased with each passing day, people were found soulless and wandering in the streets. Harry just didn't have it in his heart to smile any longer. And many of his friends noticed that although they refrained from saying anything.

Everything in his life went wrong one way or the other these days. Nothing was ever simple with him, and he really meant nothing. Out of everything that had been going on lately what perturbed Harry the most was his sudden lack of interest in Ginny. They wrote and she always begged for him to come see her, so they could talk, but Harry gave one excuse after the other. He didn't find it in himself anymore to care for her as nothing more than a wonderful person and good friend. The passion he once had when he thought about her had been misplaced.

Misplaced being the correct word yes, it had not ceased to be, although most of the time he really wish it had. No, his attention was now directed to somewhere else entirely, someone else entirely. As the days passed by one by one, slowly dragging themselves, Harry came in terms with the ache he felt in his heart every time his eyes sought one Remus Lupin. And he saw him too often, they spent great part of their days together; Harry felt as if he was slowly loosing his mind.

The dam that held his feelings at bay was cracking slowly and Harry was scared like he'd never been before. Of course he did the only thing he knew how to do best, he hid in his room, wallowing in his self pity and hoping Remus wouldn't come looking for him too often or else he'd have to tie mouth shut in order to keep himself from spilling all his feelings for the man who now held his heart.

He was sitting at the bed, his back to the head post, his knees drawn to his chest and his arms encircling them tightly. Harry thought back on his days with Remus inside his house and wondered why exactly he acquired this sudden interest in the man and why he couldn't control his heart. If he had been capable of doing so things would've been so much easier. But he couldn't deny that it wasn't hard to fall for the man, Remus was the most lovable person, he had a caring soul; he was by his side no matter what, no questions asked. But he was dating Tonks, and of course first and foremost he had been one of his father's best friends and twice his age.

A chocked sob escaped his throat without his permission but it was this sob that made him realize he was crying in the first place. Everything had never been so confusing ever in his life but it had never been so clear before either. Harry at almost seventeen, had finally fallen in love. He was in love with the most caring person he'd ever find but this person couldn't be any more out of bounds. He wondered what his parents would think of him if they'd been here to see him and another shuddering sob escaped him with this thought.

He was disgusted with himself; his werewolf friend was taking care of him with parental love, but Harry couldn't help to think about the muscles Remus had acquired during his nights as a werewolf and those golden eyes that seemed to call out his name as they radiated with care and love. Care and love that he did not deserve, care and love that were nothing but fatherly concern.

Harry continued to sob and this, along with the smell of salty tears called attention of the other occupant of the house, who had been brooding in the library wondering what was troubling the young youth he cared so much for.

Harry's sounds drowned out the sound of the door opening and of steps being taking in his directing. He stopped crying immediately as he felt a warm comforting hand on his arm, startled he looked up from his knees to those golden soft eyes that he learned to love in such a sort time. A whimper escaped him and he turned his face from Remus' in order not to look into those eyes again.

"Harry what's wrong," asked Remus, his words laced with concern. Harry shut his eyes tight in answer and turned his head farther away from him. "Is it Dumbledore? Or Sirius?"

Harry couldn't do anything but shake his head, he wished he had been worrying about the death of his mentor, or even of his godfather but all he could think about were those eyes and the warm hand that still rested against his forearm. He could feel Remus' thumb caressing his arm, trying to reassure him, but all it did was trouble him further as he whimper at the contact.

"Please tell me what's wrong Harry, I'm worried about you and I haven't got the slightest clue as to what to do," Remus said desperately. "Come on Har, stop crying you can't cloud those beautiful green eyes of yours with tears."

Harry felt his chest tighten in pain and he wondered why in Merlin's name it was said love was the best thing that could even happen to anyone. He understood quite well the feelings of jealousy and even happiness that came from being in a relationship, but he had never experienced physical pain such as this one. He tried taking deep breaths but he felt he couldn't and stopped trying so hard to breathe almost immediately.

He felt Remus' hands on his face gently wiping the tears away, but the only made place for the new tears that descended and Remus sighed exasperatedly at that, Harry gave give a shaky smile but it soon disappeared because Remus had the brilliant idea to smile back at him and caress his cheek. Harry felt his insides turn into goo.

"Can you tell me what's wrong now?" the werewolf asked uncertainly.

Harry breathed in but couldn't help it; he open his mouth to answer him, he looked so worried Harry just couldn't help himself.

"I-I'm sorry Remus, I – it's hard to talk about it," Harry said his lip shakier with each word. "I can't talk about it – d – don't worry though, I'm feeling better."

Remus frowned at his words, he appeared unsatisfied with what Harry had said, greatly unsatisfied so it seemed. His hands left his cheek and returned to his arm; Harry looked apprehensively at it suddenly wanting to bolt from the room, or at least hoping he had his Firebolt with him to fly off the window. Remus noticed this and intensified the hold on his arm.

"I thought you could talk to me Harry," he said, his voice sounded hurt. "I came to believe you were comfortable enough with me to talk about anything; but of course you're not, I'm not Sirius and won't ever be isn't that right."

A single tear slipped through his defenses unawares and Harry suddenly felt that dam of his burst; he knew he was about to spill everything, either that or he'd finish crying himself dry.

"No, you're not him and I wished I'd want you to be – so much – but I can't and you – Moony I couldn't possibly – I can't tell you – I feel so – so –" Remus stopped him because Harry wasn't making any sense whatsoever.

"Harry take a deep breath I can't understand what you're saying," Moony said and Harry complied taking a few deep breaths before speaking once more.

"I don't want you to be him, I couldn't possibly, you're more than enough, you're perf –" Harry stopped himself from continuing and noticed he had extended his hand to touch Remus' face, he withdrew the hand just as quickly. The older man was looking at him with a question in his golden eyes. "I can't – you'd be disgusted with me – I'm filthy and – and – I'm sorry Moony," Harry whispered to him and turned his face away the tears spilling once more.

The dam may have broken but it was still just as hard to open up to him. How could he possibly tell someone that cared for him like a son that he was in love with him. That he was such a freak to fall in love with a man who had seen him on his diapers, who had probably once or twice changed said diapers. There is no easy way of revealing such a thing.

Remus noticed his tears, even if Harry desperately tried to hide them. He embraced the boy rocking him slowly while rubbing his back soothingly, but it only seemed to aggravate him further, Remus had never found himself at greater loss of what to do. The only thing he could do was continue his gesture, hoping it'd calm Harry down after some time. Several minutes passed by but Harry didn't seem to be any closer to stopping, Harry himself knew that he didn't feel anywhere close to stopping either. Remus drew himself away slightly, enough to look into the young man's face.

"What could possibly hurt you this much? What could bring you such pain Harry?" he questioned in hopes that he'd finally get his answer.

Harry looked up at him, his face an expression of pain and sadness, but soon enough he hid his face inside Remus' robes once again. Harry was whispering something but he couldn't hear him properly.

"- love you. I love you. Remus I love you so much – I – I'm sorry – I never meant for it to happen b-but I couldn't help it," Harry said whispered the tears starting once more.

He blinked. Once. Twice. And then his mind seemed to register what the young one had just said to him. But he had certainly heard wrong he couldn't possibly have said that. Remus put his hands in Harry's shoulders pushing him far enough to look into his green eyes.

"W-what?" he stammered, still blinking confusedly.

Harry refrained from answering him. Remus felt the boy grabbing him by the back of his head pulling him forward into a kiss. He couldn't breathe let alone think but once he felt Harry's soft lips against his own chapped ones Remus closed his eyes leaning in into the young one. He rested his hand on the side of Harry's head caressing his face and kissing Harry with such fire and need he had never experienced before.

Harry was nibbling his lower lip apparently waiting for something, it had been so long since he had done such thing that Remus faltered wondering what was happening. But his mouth without his command had opened and soon Harry's tongue followed seemingly tasting every crevice of his mouth all the while entwining with his own. Remus' breathing quickened and he was surprised to feel his groin stirring, it had been a long time since it had done too. But far too soon for the werewolf's liking the kiss ended and Harry was panting, his forehead resting against his.

Harry's eyes snapped open in horror, he had just kissed Remus Lupin, and it had been the most wonderful kiss he had ever shared on his entire life. He scrambled from the bed in embarrassment wondering how long it would take for Remus to realize what had happened and start shouting at him for being such a perverted freak.

He sat by the window sill looking outside hoping Remus wouldn't scream too much, he felt like he wouldn't survive much longer if the man shattered his heart. But Remus didn't seem to be doing anything, looking at him with his peripheral vision he could tell that Remus was standing his hand on the wall to keep him steady looking at Harry with wide eyes. Harry closed his eyes but willed himself not to cry, he had cried enough already.

"I'm sorry Remus – I shouldn't have done that – I understand if you want me to leave – I don't know what to say," he said through his clenched teeth that were starting to shatter. "I – I am so bloody stupid, please don't hate me forever Remus," he finished whispering, he let his back against the wall willing his body to relax.

He stood watching the night and without even realizing, sometime later, Harry felt into a restless slumber, the emotional turmoil had left him exhausted. Remus looked at the sleeping boy by the window, when he felt himself steady enough he moved towards him, picked him up and put him in his warm bed. He tucked Harry in, cleaned the last tears and brushed the dark bangs from his eyes. It was still quite early, but Harry deserved his sleep.

Remus sat by the boy on the bed and couldn't help but wonder why he had invoked such feelings in Harry, but something Molly had once said came into his mind and he couldn't stop himself from smile down at the boy. And even though he was alarmed that feelings of his own came to the surface as well, he had never felt at peace and at home like he felt now. That kiss, he thought bringing his fingers to his lips, had been the most earth shattering kiss he had ever experienced in his life and he knew that, regardless of the age difference between them, he had found his lifemate. He wondered if that was really why he cared for Harry so much.

He had once thought his lifemate was Sirius, but the man had been company nothing more. They were both lonely and extremely deprived of love in all the senses of the word. Since his relationship with Tonks started he wondered once more if she was to be his lifemate but the girl was too lively, too hopelessly young and naïve for him. Harry was younger of course, but he had an adult seriousness about him that aged him several years beyond Tonks. No, he knew Tonks couldn't possibly be right for him, but since that kiss, from Harry, he knew. He didn't wonder, he didn't suspect or anything of the like, he knew that this was the person he wanted to share the rest of his life with.

He kissed those soft lips briefly before leaving the bedroom and making his way to the fireplace. He had a rather important firecall to make and it had to be done now, he wanted to sleep briefly before going back to Harry's room to wait for him to wake up.

-//-

Harry shot up from his bed, startled by a rather graphic and vivid dream he had just had consisting of himself and his former professor. He looked down along his body and cursed his teenage hormones for having made a rather sticky mess of the bed and his clothes. He shook his head in tired resignation and turned to face his bedside table in order to retrieve his wand and clean the mess out.

But before he could do so, he froze, someone sitting on a comfortable armchair a few feet away from him caught him attention. Remus was looking flushed and adorably aroused underneath the thin sweat pants he was wearing. Harry did not fail to notice the feral look he had on his face and he felt himself a little weary but his excitement bubbled over it.

"Remus what are you doing in my room it must be early?" he asked cautiously. No answered came. "I'm sorry about yesterday, it was too forward of me, I hope you'll forgive me and don't worry it won't happen ever again."

"Pity." That single words sent shivers down his body that Harry dared not try and understand them just yet.

"Pity?" he repeated still with a cautious tone.

"Yes pity, I was rather hoping we'd continue from where we stopped yesterday night," he said a feral grin matching the animalistic look in his eyes. Harry thought he looked positively hungry.

"Really?" Harry squeaked in surprise.

"You sound like a mouse when you do that Harry," Remus said with a low seductive tone. "I daresay wolves adore eating mice."

Harry swallowed but did not move; Remus had left his seat on the armchair and was making his way to the bed calmly. He looked like a cat, or rather wolf, stalking his prey and Harry was quivering with anticipation. Once the werewolf got to the feet of the bed he crawled his way over to where Harry was resting. He lowered himself atop the raven haired boy and kissing him thoroughly.

"You're a mess Harry," was whispered in his ear.

"I-I'm sorry," Harry stuttered nervously in response.

"You misunderstood me, there's no need to be sorry after all I enjoyed the show very much," he continued whispering all the while Harry willed his body to stop shivering as Remus hands roamed it without fear. "I hope you'll give a little live show for me someday."

"Maybe someday," Harry said meekly.

Remus bent down to kiss him once more and Harry couldn't stop his own hands to tangle themselves into the thin hair and draw Remus closer to him. Remus tongue worked with sensual ease and calm against his but Harry didn't feel like slowing things down as Remus seemed to want.

"Moony," Harry said feverishly, his voice thick with lust. "I want you – I want you now – I need to feel you." He was lifting his hips up towards his lover's rocking it slightly.

Remus nodded jerkily before slowly taking off Harry's robes kissing his way down the body and making Harry moan continuously. He quickly undressed himself as well before returning to their previous position.

"I've never done this, with anyone," Harry announced looking a bit scared. "But I want my first to be you, I want my last to be you as well."

Remus smiled warmly.

"Wolves mate for life Harry, I'll be your first, you last, and every other time in between will be mine as well," he said in a hushed tone as he brushed his index finger across Harry's lower lip.

Harry caught the finger smartly between his teeth before sucking it lightly Remus threw his head back with a guttural moan and once Harry released his finger he dipped down and brushed his lips against Harry causing the boy to arch into him trying to kiss him properly.

"Just I don't really know what I'm doing, I'm not sure if I'll do it right of if it'll hurt," Harry rushed but stopped himself from speaking any further, feeling embarrassed.

"Don't worry loved one, I'll take care of you and try as much as possible not to cause you any pain," Remus reassured him the warm smile still in place.

Harry nodded shakily before hastily pushing Remus down properly on top of him. Remus kissed Harry gently trying to make the boy relax and ground his hips against Harry's while doing so. Harry was soon rocking with him, their moans filling the room. Harry felt himself close to his climax but wasn't sure he wanted it to end so soon.

"Moony if you don't stop now I'm going to come," he rasped urgently.

The werewolf didn't give much indication of actually listening to him, but he did stop and he had a peculiar mischievous smirk placed on his face that made Harry feel rather anxious. Without the help of wand Remus performed some sort of spell, before long Harry felt slick fingers probing him and at first he felt slightly uncomfortable. But pleasure chased his discomfiture away.

He felt the loss of those fingers but something knew was making its way inside him, gently. Harry for the first time in along time felt cared for and it was a great feeling all around. Remus cradled Harry's body close to his and as soon as he was completely inside him he began moving thrusting against the boy who motivated by the pleasure embracing him once more mirrored Remus' motions.

They climax separately Remus first, spilling his seed inside Harry and the younger boy soon followed his lover's hand wrapped around his shaft speeding the process. Harry closed his eyes putting his arms around Remus bringing him to rest against his chest.

"Did I do okay?" Harry whispered into his lover's ear.

"You were amazing loved one," the older man answered lifting his head from its resting place. "You feeling alright? Nothing hurts?"

"Stings a bit," Harry said grinning from ear to ear. "But I've never felt better in my entire life."

Remus laughing loudly.

"I'm glad to hear it Harry."

"Remus," Harry called his attention once more. "I love you."

Remus smiled against Harry's stomach.

"You know what Harry," he mumbled against warm skin. "Molly once told me you can't really choose who you love, your heart does it for you. I must say I feel like my heart couldn't have done a better choice."

Harry beamed at him and hugged Remus closer to him before falling asleep, the man soon followed him.

…TBC…