Duty vs. Desire

By Al Kristopher

What do heroes do after they save the world? Shortly after our climactic struggle to balance the light and dark, I ventured to Saronia, to Prince Alus, and was offered a position as his chief advisor. How surprising! A little boy from a humble corner of the world elevated to vizier of a grand kingdom is something you usually read about in fairy tales. Don't get me wrong, I was happy to be given such a title, and I took a few days—a vacation, I guess you could say—to really think things through. I soon realized that if this were any other kingdom, even Sasune, I probably would've turned it down and spent the rest of my life as a scholar (yes, probably in the Saronian library. What can I say, there's something…attractive about that place). And yet I accepted this privilege with all of my heart, and I couldn't help but feel…weak, I suppose, with complete happiness.

Why did I take this incredible assignment, you ask? Well, that's the heart of this story—and the heart of this boy was, I admit, centered on the young man who would be king. It was never a matter of title or position that made me feel so good to be around Alus—if we had lived together with Luneth in that little hamlet, I would have loved him all the same—it was the amazing strength of character and willpower that made him so dear to me. Here was a kid my own age (maybe a little younger), very warm and friendly, a gentle soul thrust into civil war against his own will, and yet he was determined to solve all the mysteries that had clouded his land. He was, in a way, another light warrior, destined to sweep away the darkness for a new day. I already liked him the moment we met—children my age are bound to be drawn to each other—but as I stood by his side, wading first through streets under martial law, lines of soldiers ready to slay their allies…that night I tried to reaffirm his faith in his father…that tragic moment when all was lost, and that final victory that saved his kingdom, I grew to love him.

And now I would be moving in with him, in a sense. The first thing Alus did when I came back to him was embrace me; it just felt right. We had bonded considerably during our brief term as fellow warriors, but he was more to me than the brotherly Luneth, even more than the heroic Ingus. When he smiled at me and told me how much I was missed, he was addressing somebody he loved as well. Most of the day's affairs were halted just so we could sneak into his room and catch up on old times. This was where he offered me my position, stating that he knew nobody wiser, more honest, more sincere, or more reliable than I. Friends you've fought alongside with do make the best advisors, or so he believed. It took me awhile to sort out my feelings on the matter, and I have to admit that this is where I got selfish. Yes, I wanted to help Alus and his kingdom, but I was mostly in it for him.

I kissed him when I accepted; it just felt right. I feared negative repercussions, but these fears were needless: he smiled so sweetly and genuinely at me than I felt that single kiss was insufficient, so I gave him another. My face was soon moist with his lips, and I felt him embrace me once again. He told me that I had made him who he was, that he was a better person because of me, and all of Saronia was in my debt, all because of a few encouraging words I whispered to him from time to time! I was sort of his hero, and his closest friend, and he loved me deeply—the same sort of love I held for him. Hearing him gush all of this out, stuttering occasionally, cheeks rosy with awkward laughter…well, it made me happy. I molded his soft face with my lips, whispering that name—Alus, Alus—I had come to love. Alus, I love you so much.

Given the circumstances, our romance was slow and cautious, but wonderfully sweet. We took long walks together and traded thoughts and ideas on how to improve the kingdom. The civil war Gigameth forced them to go through had been devastating, and even after all my adventures, the kingdom was still struggling to improve—but make no mistake, it was improving. There were larger gardens, bigger fountains, better hospitals, and greater schools. We dined together and wondered what our friends were up to (Mognet helped fill in a lot of blanks). Foreign dignitaries would sometimes arrive to give our days a bit of excitement, and the renewed kingdom usually impressed them. We were the closest of friends by day…but by night we were simply two parts of a whole.

I'm not sure whether anybody else knew of our affair (Refia and Luneth did, once I responded to their letters, and their support softened my heart), not that its knowledge would really ruin the kingdom. King Alus was simply in love with his chief advisor, his most trusted and loyal friend, the boy who had given him the strength and courage to face all his fears. What harm could come of that? How horrifying would it really be if people learned we held hands as we walked, or shared quiet kisses in the shade, or swam and sunned together in the far distant rivers? Would the world (or even Saronia) change a single iota if it learned their King and their vizier were lovers? Alus and I imagined several humorous scenarios that could possibly evolve if the secret did get out, but whenever we got serious, neither of us could imagine anything terrible.

But as I said, our romantic affair went slowly and cautiously. We avoided taking risks, just in case something might change for the worst, and we appeared to everyone the perfect companions (there were rumors, of course, but they did no harm). My passion for Alus drove me mad sometimes, because of how badly I wanted to kiss him and cuddle with him and tell him how deeply I loved him. I melted whenever he touched my freckled face, or when our fingers entwined, or when our bare feet rubbed together. A year passed before we were brave enough (or mature enough, I might add) to see each other in a state of undress, and three more months went by before we finally made love to each other. As a gentleman and a trusted confidante, manners forbid me to describe these blissful nocturnal sessions…but as a scholar and a student, I also lack the artistic capability to reveal such wonders. All I can (or will) say is that I could never get enough; Alus and I were greedy for each other; each new twilight brought soft caresses and warm sighs; each morning after promised gentle kisses and everlasting beauty.

Alus and I were lovers for nine months before our fantasy was destroyed. I always knew in the back of my mind that my beautiful prince would have to take a wife; it was his destiny. As deeply as we loved each other, we could not wed. Not even the King has the power to alter those laws, but I assure you he tried. Alus and I fought the timeless battle of Duty versus Desire: we submitted to our passions one day and reconciled with the greater good the next. Alus and I even befriended several couples that supported this futility, but in the end, he was forced to surrender. Were he any other man, he promised to me one evening, he and I could live together for the rest of our lives and there would be no repercussions, but as it was, Saronia needed successors—and curse me, but this was the one thing I could not provide. We delayed it as long as possible, foolishly courting our desires, but only succeeded in drawing it out a few years, until Alus became an adult. Then, in spite of my heartbreak, he was forced to resign himself to his duties as king.

The good news was that his arranged wife was a dear friend of mine, Sara of Sasune. I was incapable of feeling bitter towards her and actually congratulated her on the arrangement. I have to admit that even if I had never fallen in love with Alus (what a horrible thought!), I still would've thought the pair to be perfect (Ingus thought differently, but hey—we all have to make sacrifices!). Two kingdoms united under one banner was always a romantic idea to me, and both monarchs seemed content with their new life, even though each one had to surrender their personal desires. Ingus could no longer be with Sara, and I… I quickly gave up on our love, because it would only hurt us both if we dragged it on, squeezing the last drop out of our affair. Alus and Sara belonged to each other now, and the only thing I could do was support him, as I always did, but now at a distance. Even so, I never left his side, not for one day of my life. I loved him until the very end.

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