Author's Note: This story takes place sometime after The Job. It's my first Office fic, and reviews would be very much appreciated, especially because I need to know whether the story is worth continuing.
Disclaimer: Although I wish I owned The Office…I definitely don't. Also, one of the pranks, as mentioned later, is taken from an episode of Friends. So I don't own that either.
Chapter 1: Saran Wrap
"OH. MY. GOD."
Jim's scream rang out through the entire office as he walked back to his desk, having just enjoyed his usual ham and cheese sandwich in the kitchen. Jim stared slack jawed at his desk. Dwight, swiveling slowly in his chair at his own desk, gave Jim a toothless, smug grin.
"Surprise," Dwight drawled.
The rest of the office staff, in response to Jim's exclamation, left their desks and congregated around the salesmen's desks. Several people gasped and covered their noses. The stench coming from the mess on Jim's desk was unbelievable. Pam's hand flew to cover her mouth.
"Dwight…what is that?" she whispered, aghast.
"Cow manure," Dwight said forcefully, and people began to mutter in disgust. "Beets flourish in it. Jim's sales reports do not."
Jim continued to stare at the mess on his desk for several tense seconds. His screen saver was invisible due to a thick film of brown muck. His phone, mouse, keyboard, and files were completely covered. The very tip of his picture frame just barely poked through the mountain of smelly, dark sludge.
Although his expression was remarkably controlled, his narrowed, overly bright eyes let on that he was absolutely livid. "Why?" he demanded, the single syllable portraying a remarkable amount of anger. "Why?"
"Two words, four syllables," Dwight quipped. "Saran wrap."
"But that's only three syllables," Kevin said, confused.
"Do I regret pulling a prank on Jim? No, I do not," Dwight informed the camera. "Usually, I'm the bigger man and ignore Jim's pranks. But yesterday, with the bathroom trick, he finally crossed a line. He knows I'm human, and therefore to live I must consume water every day. He knows Schrutes are an unusually thirsty brood, and I drink all the water in my giant bottle by noon every day. He knows I use the second stall from the left at precisely 12:38 pm every day." Dwight glared at the camera. "Putting saran wrap on the toilet seat? Jim has hit an all time low. He interrupted a ritual that happens every day. Plus, pee was everywhere.
"He so deserves what he got."
"I'm not surprised Dwight finally got Jim back," Angela told the camera seriously. "Pee was everywhere. And that's a health violation."
Kevin giggled. "Pee was everywhere!"
"What's going on out here?" Michael wondered, venturing from his office in response to all of the commotion. "And what's that smel – OH MY GOD! JIM! SOMETHING DIED ON YOUR DESK!"
"Actually," Phyllis piped up for Jim, who was too busy glaring at Dwight to clarify, "Dwight smothered Jim's desk in…well…cow poop."
"Dwight!" Michael cried. "What the hell?"
"I'm sorry, Michael," Dwight said in such a way that it was obvious he wasn't sorry in the least. "After the…saran wrap episode…I had to get Jim back."
"And covering my monitor in your home made beet fertilizer while I ate lunch was an appropriate way to avenge saran wrap?" Jim cried, gesturing emphatically with his arms.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Michael cried, coming to stand in between where Jim fumed and Dwight swiveled. "Wow, that's nasty," he muttered plugging his nose. Then, "Let's not jump down each other's throats here! That's what she said…tee hee," he giggled.
"It's not the same when you say 'that's what she said' after your own sentence," Toby told Michael forlornly.
"Shut up, Toby. And go away. Your lack of a sense of humor is depressing me." Toby hung his head and moved to the back of the crowd. "Anywho," Michael continued, "Jim, Dwight, let's be reasonable here. Jim played a prank on Dwight, and Dwight retaliated. So everyone's even."
"WE ARE NOT EVEN!" Dwight exploded. "He's played six million pranks on me, and I only did this one!"
"Yeah, but cow poop?" Jim growled. "Isn't that a bit much, Old MacDonald?"
"Don't call me that," Dwight snapped.
"Enough!" Michael interjected. "Okay, I know what will solve this controversy!" Michael chirped. Everyone in the office held their breath, knowing whatever Michael was thinking couldn't be a good thing. "TEAM BONDING ACTIVITES!"
Everyone groaned. Meredith took an extra big swig of her drink.
Michael's selective hearing kicked into high gear, and he totally missed the whining of his coworkers. "I know, it's a great idea, isn't it?!" he beamed. "Let's think. We need a team building exercise that'll relieve stress, and make you so tired you'll forget any grudges you hold against other employees of Dunder Mifflin Scranton…I'VE GOT IT! TOMORROW WE CAN GO ON AN OVERNIGHT HIKING TRIP!"
There was an instant uproar.
"But tomorrow's Friday! You can't take my Friday night from me! That's date night!" Kelly gushed, horrified.
"Who's going to feed my cats?" Angela demanded.
"I had plans with Gill for Friday night!" Oscar moaned.
"I won't go," Stanley said flatly.
"We have to work," Toby said.
"Hey! HEY!" Michael silenced them. "First of all, I thought I told you to go away, Toby!" Toby frowned. "Second, you have to go, Stanley. Everyone has to go. It's mandatory." There was more complaining. "No! My word is final! We're meeting in the parking lot at 7am tomorrow. Wear sneakers, and bring blow up mattresses. I know a hiking trail that leads to a campsite with cabins and crap. And don't worry, I'll take care of the food…and the TEAM BUILDING FUN!" Michael beamed around at all of his sullen, unsmiling employees.
Well, mostly unsmiling.
"I think that's a great idea, Michael!" Andy cried. "How about I provide some tunes for the road? Some a capella, maybe?" He promptly began to scat.
"Good idea, Andy!" Andy beamed. Michael grinned and said, "Alright, you crazy cats, back to work! And Jim?" Jim cocked an eyebrow at him, and Michael said, "Clean your desk."
Jim turned to Pam, his eyes widening in an expression that clearly read, "Kill me now."
"Did I really give Jim the idea for the saran wrap prank?" Pam repeated back to the camera man, grinning, obviously pleased with herself. "Why yes, I did. I got the idea from watching Friends. But I still give Jim credit for the prank. He's the one who knew Dwight's bathroom schedule. And that Dwight never uses urinals. And he made the saran wrap taut enough across the toilet so that anything that hit it bounced right off. Her grin widened. "Apparently, pee was everywhere."
"Who's Jim?" Creed asked the camera man.
Toby sighed. "I had to start another complaint box for Dwight after the saran wrap episode." He tilted his head heavenward and closed his eyes briefly before looking back at the camera. "I hate my job."
Jim's brow furrowed a bit, and he looked away from the camera. He pulled the corners of his mouth in, causing his chin to bunch. He looked back at the camera, frowning slightly. "The only thing about the saran wrap is that Dwight smelled like…well, you know…urine…for the rest of the day. Oh, and he decided to put cow poop on my desk. Thus inspiring Michael to enforce a mandatory office bonding session. Yeah…this sucks.
"But don't get me wrong! Cow poop is NOT enough to make me regret my prank! Not at all! I'm willing to pay the overly extreme price of cow poop in between the keys on my keyboard to make sure Dwight gets what he deserves. A person that annoying needs to be punished. Actually, the poop makes me want to torture him even more.
"What's that? Oh – your original question!" Jim said to the camera. "Sorry, I forgot…what was it? Oh, Pam thinking up the prank?
Jim gazed dreamily towards reception, away from the camera. "Yeah, I'm so proud of Pam for thinking that up…she's just…amazing." Jim smiled. Suddenly, a mischievous glint lit up his hazel eyes. "Actually, this hiking trip is perfect! It'll give us the perfect opportunity to get Dwight back! I've got to go!" He stood up abruptly. His pants blocked the camera screen for a fraction of a second before he raced over to reception.