Chapter 2

Asch's SevenTEENTH Birthday Planning!

Well, since Asch was FIRST on Luke's list of invitees, he shall be the FIRST to have a chapter! This makes sense, does it not?

Of course, I know what you're thinking. Where the hell does Asch LIVE? He doesn't live in Baticul, because stupid LUKE had to take his home and his parents and EVERYTHING away from him! And he doesn't live in Daath because he's not a fool. And I don't think he lives in Grand Chokmah, even though he is a bishounen. Geez, where could he live? Engeve? Ketelberg? Chesedonia? Namco Bandai Island? The Cheagle WOODS?

Ha-ha, look at me, acting like I DON'T know where Asch lives. I do. Because Asch lives with me. DUUUH. He's a member of the Wallace household! But good luck finding out where THAT is on the Tales of the Abyss world map. It's a secret!

Anyway, Asch got up that morning on the WRONG side of the bed, as always! He hit his head on the wall, and then he was so OFFENDED by that wall being there that he destroyed it with a RENDING SABRE!!!!!

"PATHETIC," Asch scoffed at the wall, then he stomped off to brush his teeth.

"Look at that! You call yourself PLAQUE! Don't make me laugh!" Asch threatened his teeth, and then he scrubbed them until they were so super-shiny that they were brighter than even TIDUS' smile! Unfortunately, Asch never smiles, so the world never knew. Then he gargled mouthwash for ten minutes straight and squirted it out his nose into the sink, because THAT'S how tough Asch is!

"What are we having for BREAKFAST?!" Asch yelled because he can't help getting progressively angrier and angrier as he moves about his day.

This was actually a rhetorical question, because at sixteen, Asch is more than old enough to fix his OWN breakfast. He had what he always had – a toasted bagel with cream cheese. While he ate it, he glared around the room as if he expected someone to DENY him that bagel.

Once he was done eating, Asch went to go check the mail. It was, of course, the USUAL dreck. Asch didn't have time for stupid Brookshires coupons, so he threw them over his shoulder, and he also didn't have time for college bills, so he OBLITERATED them with a THUNDER BLADE!

"PA-thetic," Asch told the mailbox, and was about to stalk back into the house, when a hand suddenly tapped him on the shoulder.

"What?" Asch snapped.

It was That Buddy Barn Guy! He had a big mail bag and a mailman hat. "Delivery for Luke Fon Fabre!" said That Buddy Barn Guy.

"Don't CALL me that!" said Asch. "That's not my name anymore! I'm Asch… the charred remains of the sacred flame!"

"Oh, AAAASCH!" said That Buddy Barn Guy. "Asch the BLURDY! Yeah, this letter's for you."

"It's PRONOUNCED Asch the Bloody," Asch said in a stuck-up voice and snatched the envelope. "What is this DRECK?!" he demanded before he even opened it, then he tore it apart and yanked out the invitation.

The invitation was like the kind that's a card with a picture of a bear, SHAPED like a bear, only this one was a picture of Van, shaped like Van, so it was pointy on top and kind of hurt your fingers if you pressed them against it too hard. Asch opened the card and this is what it said.

You're invited to a Van-TASTIC party!

And then it said, in VERY clumsy handwriting,

TO: ASCH

FROM: LUKE

Please come to my birthday. It is going to be at my manor. It will be a lot of fun.

Then the letter told Asch how to get to Luke's manor, which was INSULTING, since Luke was giving ASCH directions to what was originally ASCH'S beloved home! AWK!

But what was even MORE insulting was the DATE of Luke's birthday party. It was on the same date as ASCH'S birthday!

"That stupid DRECK! He's taking EVERYTHING from me!" Asch fumed. "Who the hell does he think he IS?!?!"

"Wow, your roaring is superb Asch the Blurdy!" said That Buddy Barn Guy.

"WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?!" Asch yelled at him.

"I dunno," said That Buddy Barn Guy. "Toodles!" Then he whipped out his magical orcarina and transported off to wherever it is Buddy Barn Guys go.

"I will not STAND for this!" said Asch, and he took the letter and stomped back into the house. "HAYLEY!" he screamed down the hall. "EXPLAIN THIS!"

"Asch, stop screaming and come into the room if you want to talk! GEESH!" I screamed back.

"Fine, I WILL!" Asch yelled and marched into my room where I was sitting on the bed writing this story on my laptop. "What the hell is the meaning of this?! Why is that dreck having a seventh birthday party?!"

"Um… because he's turning seven?" I said.

"THAT'S OBVIOUS, YOU IDIOT," said Asch, as though it were MY fault his question had an obvious answer. "What I mean is, how dare he throw a party on the day of MY birthday?!"

"What's the big deal?" I asked. "It's not like YOU were going to have a birthday party."

Asch paused. This was true. He never had birthday parties. But that wasn't the point! The point was Luke was HAVING one on his birthday!

"Yes I do!" Asch lied. "I was going to have one! And now he's trying to take it from me! But he'll see. I'll have my OWN party! And it'll be superior to that DRECK party! It'll be the opposite of dreck! It'll be…uh…"

"…polished?" I suggested, clicking on Wordweb.

"POLISHED!" said Asch. "Then that'll prove, once and for all, that I'm the real Luke! I'm superior! And that he's just a stupid replica!"

"Okay," I said, since I couldn't very well seriously listen to him and write what he was doing at the SAME time.

Asch walked out of my room and into his own, where he started to make PLANS for taking back his birthday from Luke.

"He's just going to have a birthday party themed after his PRECIOUS Master Van," Asch muttered. "Well, I'm going to have a theme thirty million times better. Like, uh… um…"

LIKE WHAT, Asch? Don't tell me you don't know of any good birthday themes!

"I DO!" Asch protested. "I'll have MY Birthday party themed after uh… something cool like… er…"

Manta Rays!

"Manta Rays!" said Asch. "I'll have a manta ray themed party at Six Flags! That'll run circles around that dreck's stupid party." And with this decision made, Asch took his next step!

"I'm going to Wal-mart!" Asch called. "And I don't know when I'll be back, so DON'T ask!"

"What are you going to do at Wal-mart?" I called back.

"I'm going to buy stuff for MY birthday party, and a present for that stupid dreck!"

"WAIT A MINUTE." I stood up and walked into the hallway, crossing my arms. "If you're going to STEAL your birthday back from Luke, then why the hell are you going to buy him a present?"

"…because he invited me to his birthday party," said Asch.

"…that makes zero sense," I said.

"Of course it wouldn't make sense to YOU!" Asch yelled and ran out the door. I shrugged and said, "OH WELL!" and continued writing this crazy fanfic.

The REAL reason Asch was still buying Luke a present is that he's secretly a big softie, and he would feel BAD ignoring Luke's birthday, even though it was the source of all this rage in the first place! ARGH! So Asch came up with THIS plan to both save his honor and his image!

He would GO to Luke's birthday party and give him a present, because it's the NICE thing to do! But he would act like he was having the WORST time ever because it was the way of REVENGE!

He would invite everyone at Luke's birthday party to go to his Manta Ray themed birthday party at Six Flags and STEAL Luke's thunder because it was the way of REVENGE! But he would also invite Luke, because Luke had invited him, so it was the NICE thing to do!

There was no step three! I just put a three because Asch's plan would look incomplete with only two steps.

So, Asch went to Walmart! It was a land of excitement and WONDER and it was the only place with ANYTHING for miles around in that retarded corner of East Texas!

"Hello!" said some random Walmart employee. Asch muttered something and passed by her. But she DIDN'T explode! Walmart is gone to SO often out in the country that people don't explode there! It's a scientific phenomenon! I've never seen anything like it!

Unlike Luke, Asch knew exactly what he needed to do to arrange the best birthday party ever! But he did NOT know where the birthday section was.

'Well, that problem has an easy solution,' I hear you say, 'ask one of the Wal-mart employees! They know where that is; they're EMPLOYED!' Well, maybe that's easy for YOU people, but you aren't the charred remains of the sacred flame! Asch is super shy and self-concious!

I'll just search around until I find it, thought Asch. And I can find a present for that stupid dreck while I look. What kind of present should I get for him anyway?

"Ha, the most fitting present FOR dreck IS dreck!" Asch snickered aloud like a fool.

"Dreck!" exclaimed a passing nerd with a dictionary. "That's a word I've never HEARD before! I must look it up so I can memorize its definition and etymology!" And he started flipping through the pages. Unfortunately, Asch moved on, so he exploded before he could find it.

Asch was too lazy to actually look for dreck, so he just went into the very first section of Walmart he happened across, which was a big display of marked down Shrek 3 memorbilia.

Asch picked up a Donkey stuffed animal. And even though he still wore his permafrown, inside his heart was warm, because Asch LOVES Shrek and he especially loves Donkey.

Heh, heh. 'Cakes have layers,' Asch thought, then he remembered he was looking for Luke's present, and he wouldn't have Luke take SHREK from him too! So he put Donkey back and moved on.

Next, Asch came to the crappy DVD pool. You've never seen a crappy DVD pool? Well, it's where wal-mart throws all crappy DVDs, like The Butterfly Effect and Kate and Leopold and Cruel Intentions TWO, into a big pool! Then you can buy either ONE DVD for three dollars, or THREE DVDs for TEN dollars! But no matter HOW many you buy, it still won't diminish the fact that they're ALL crap! Alright!

Unfortunately, Wal-mart doesn't advertise the crappy DVD pool AS the crappy DVD pool. They call it the movie bargain bin. And if anyone is going to fall victim to false advertising today, it's Asch.

"DVD… I think I remember hearing about those," said Asch. "They're shaped like fonic discs…"

"That's right! They are shaped like CDs!" said some random wal-mart employee who spawned out of the shadows like a Heartless. "But they're NOT! They're DVDS!"

"Who are you?" Asch asked gruffly.

"I'm DVD Enlightener Hal," said DVD Enlightener Hal. "I inform the elderly and people who have been living under a rock about the magical world of DVDs!"

"Magic? You mean Fonic Artes? Pah! That DRECK is so inferior that he can't use them, unlike me," scoffed Asch, and he started to walk away, since he certainly wasn't about to buy Luke something like that.

"No, no, no!" said DVD Enlightener Hal, then he chuckled like Kureno. "MAYBE I better start from square one with you." And so he did. He told Asch all he knew about DVDs, and since DVDs are his sole purpose in life, that was a lot. By the end of it, Asch had heard so much about DVDs that he basically understood them! (Come on, this is Asch. We can't expect TOO much from him.)

"So, I buy the dreck a DVD and then he can watch what's on it… fine. Let's do it," Asch declared and started digging through the crappy DVD pool with enthusiasm.

Instead of saying 'Um. No. Those are the crappy movies, that's why they're so cheap and in a pool. You need to go over THERE.', DVD Enlightener Hal nodded.

"That's the spirit!" he said. ALL DVDs are precious to DVD Enlightener Hal. Even Romeo Must Die! "Go forth, enlightened one!" And then he turned into fifty green bouncy balls of energy! YAY!

Asch didn't really CARE what DVDs he got Luke, so he just pulled out the first three he got his hands on. They were Cradle 2 the Grave, AnacondaS, and the Princess Diaries 2!

Of course, Asch hadn't gotten a basket like a smart person, so he had to tuck the DVDs under his armpit. Eeeww. Asch armpit. Gross.

Now I just have to find Manta Ray birthday party supplies. Asch wandered around the endless hallways of wal-mart, searching, but he couldn't find anything because he thought everything but clothes was kept in big bins like the DVDs. That's Asch logic for you.

Finally, he got so frusturated that he took his anger out on the resident poor abused DS in the video game section. This poor DS was at the very end of his rope. His top screen was so scratched up that Asch couldn't even see what he was playing and his touch-pad was covered in ketchup. The shoulder buttons were stuck down and no longer worked. And the stylus… ah, the poor stylus… had been swallowed by a particularly devilish five year old a long, long time ago.

"Stupid Wal-mart DRECK!" Asch yelled, randomly stabbing the A button with his finger. "I can't find anything!"

"Please…" the DS begged, "end my life…!"

At that moment, a group of random furling youths came running up holding Popsicles and making light-sabre sounds. They saw that Asch was 'playing' the DS and started screaming, "AW MAN, NOW WE HAVE TO WAIT!"

"Listen! They're coming! My tormentors!" gasped the DS. "Hurry! Put me out of my misery! Hurry!"

"Hey mister!" one of the brats called. "WE wanna play!"

"Yeah, we wanna play!" his little friends piped up.

"COME ON, MAN!" the DS shrieked.

"Fine," Asch said. Then he used RENDING SABRE!! On the DS and finally brought an end to a life filled with nothing but endless pain.

"I can see it…" the DS murmured as it smoldered in a little metallic heap. "Yes, I can see it… it's beautiful… you don't understand now, do you… no. But… yes… someday, my young friend. Someday…"

Then a janitor came and swept the remains into a dustpan and walked away. A NEW DS was brought to replace the old one.

"Oh boy!" said the new DS. "I'm so brand new and shiny and full of HOPE! I can't wait to meet all the people that will enjoy my capabilities and treat me with the respect a one hundred dollar console deserves!"

"LET'S SEE IF WE CAN ENGRAVE OUR NAMES INTO THE SCREEN!" shouted one of the little kids and him and his friends pounced onto the new DS.

Asch walked away, shaking his head as he listened to the screams. "When will the madness stop?"

I don't know Asch… I don't know.

…

"This is DUMB," said Asch. "I'm never going to find those STUPID birthday supplies! I'm just going to make my flunkies do it for me."

WELL! Must be nice, having FLUNKIES to do everything for you, Asch!

"Yep," said Asch with a smug smile. "It is."

…well… uh… THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT!

So Asch called up the DARK Wings to do his bidding! Sure, they were a little confused as to why their leader wanted twenty-six tickets to Six Flags and a plethora of manta ray related items, but they did NOT question him, because questions, just like hugs, are not good for Asch's rage.

"Well," said Asch, "that takes care of THAT!" He was back at home, planning out how he would write his invitations. Oh, and just so you know… his invitation list is exactly the same as Luke's, except instead of Asch being the first person invited, it was Luke. Because Asch wouldn't invite himself to his own birthday party. Because that would just be stupid.

"Man," said Asch, looking over the list, "I HATE all these people! They're all losers! Except for Natalia… she's OKAY. I GUESS." And he made a mental note to have Natalia's party bag given TWO pieces of candy.

"Oh, Asch darling!" trilled Noir, appearing out of nowhere like she always does, and just because I like it, the Dark Wings crazy theme began to play. "We got what you wanted…"

"Hey Boss!" said Urushi from underneath a mountain of Mantine balloons, cards, and other crap.

"Twenty six passes to Six Flags, just what the Doctor ordered," said York, running his finger down the top of all the tickets in his hand.

"Oh, okay," said Asch, the he glowered. "Hey… that's that stupid Pokemon MANTINE! I didn't want a Mantine party, I wanted a MANTA ray party!"

"I know, I know," Noir purred, and stroked the side of Asch's face in what WOULD have been a very seductive manner, but Asch cannot be seduced. Because he's dumb. "But they didn't have any, so we had to go for the next best thing… you understand."

"The next best thing would have been a GOMAMON themed party," Asch muttered, but he decided to let it go. "Fine. Throw all that DRECK in the corner. Then hurry up and send out twenty-five letters and the six flags passes to the people on this list."

"What do you want the cards to say?" Urushi asked.

"I DON'T KNOW! WHATEVER! GO AWAY!" Asch yelled because he'd talked to one too many people that day. The Dark Wings all shrugged and walked out. Then they did all of Asch's bidding like good flunkies.

"But, uh… what are we supposed to put on these cards?" York asked while the little rat on his head held up a big card with Mantine on it.

"Something Asch-ish?" Urushi ventured.

"No, that's no fun," said Noir. "Let's put something he would NEVER say."

"Alright!" said Urushi and York because they are easily swayed.

So, the Dark Wings put their minds together, and this is what they ended up putting on Asch's Mantine cards.

To: So and so

From: Asch

Hey! I can't wait to see you at my neatoriffic birthday party! I'm sorry for yelling at you before. From now on, I want us to be friends. Don't worry about bringing me a present – your friendship is the best present I could ever receive! LOVE, ASCH!

"That'll teach Mr. Gwumpy to take a chill pill every once and awhile!" Noir laughed and they sent out all the letters, just like that!

Um, actually, Noir, I think it'll just teach Mr. Gwumpy to kill the three of you, but… whatever. My opinion's not that important.

HOOONK!

"Ugh, today was so TIRING," said Asch as if he really needed to TELL the room so. "I'm going to SLEEP!"

Heh, thought Asch while he set his alarm clock, I can't wait to see the look on that dreck's face after I steal away his birthday thunder! Then he felt kind of bad for thinking such evil thoughts, so he compensated by thinking, Well, I guess that stupid dreck will like his drecky DVDs. Now that I really CARE.

Of course you don't Asch. Of course you don't.

OMAKE!

SO! Some people think it's alright NOT to inquire as to Luke Fon Fabre's well-being! I NEVER! What kind of Tales of the Abyss fans are you? I have the real Luke RIGHT here and you can't even be bothered to –

Luke: I'M not the real Luke. I'm a replica. Geez, I'm HOPELESS.

…

Luke:I'm sorry, Hayley. All I ever do is whine that I'm not the real Luke. I'm not. I'm a replica. Man… I'm HOPELESS!

Oh God… please… give me the patience…

Luke: Now I just keep saying the same things over and over again… I'm…

(whips out rocket launcher) URU-SEI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(blows Luke into a crater)

Oops. Heh-heh… REVITALIZE!

(brings Luke back to life)

Luke: Man… I died. I'm hopeless.

(sobs) Fine, fine… I can't take it anymore. Next time, we'll have Tear-san… please, direct all inquiries towards her in your responses.

Luke: Tear! Oh man, if there's anyone who reminds me of how HOPELESS I am, it's HER!

(vein pops)

Ja…!