1Christmas Day: Roger Edition

A/N: From the in-depth, creative, spectacular mind of Roger Davis, I bring you Christmas Day: Roger Edition. This one I am not collaborating with Sara, so it probably won't be nearly as funny. See, I'm the brains, she's the hilarity. She's my better half (she's said the same about me, so I guess we're both pretty pathetic).

This story will go from "Will I?" all the way to "La Vie Boheme B," AKA Roger's first day out. I noticed once when watching the movie that the first day he goes out he manages to A) Get yelled at by a homeless lady, B) Get into a riot, of all things, C) Dance on tables, D) Say the word "To" a lot, E) Find out that his lover has AIDS (egad!) F) Play in the snow! and G) Say a lot of naughty words :)

So I decided to put it into a story.

By the way, Roger calls Angel "it" for a bit of this chap, just because for a little bit he doesn't know what to call her. This is not my feelings towards transvestites, Angel is a she as far as I'm concerned, so he will come around eventually. –kicks Roger– DORK!

Also, I realize I'm going out of order. Well, Sara and I have yet to reunite for "Another Day: Roger's Way" and I couldn't wait to post this. You MAY want to read Light My Candle: Roger Style if you haven't already done so. THANKS :)

READ "That Face" by Mark'sMaureen or DIE!

1. Will I?

SPEEEEEEAAAAAK.

"Mark, Roger, it's Benny. Um, look, you still have a few hours to stop Maureen's protest... my offer expires after dark."

Stupid Benny. I hate him. And Mark, too, I hate him. I hate the world. Stupid people. Benny wants us to stop Maureen's protest—yeah, okay, we can't do that without Maureen pouncing and then like gouging our eyes out with her Cat-tastic wonderessness.

"Hey," Mark greeted, walking over to me awkwardly. Awkwardly? Things between us are never awkward.

"Hmm," I responded, very rhyme-conscious while my mouth was still in my coffee cup. Well, there wasn't any music playing, so I figured I could let it slide for this time. For a moment, Mark and I sat across from each other, me seriously considering throwing the banana on the windowsill next to me at his face, but restraining myself not to.

Do it, the banana peel told me, reaching out to me, do it, do it, do it. Throooooooow meeeeeee.

"About last night—"

"I don't wanna talk about it," I cut off childishly. Stupid, naive Mark. Didn't he know I was Roger and I was gonna shun him?

Oooh, shunning Mark? Throoooooooooow meeeeeeeee. Throw me at the stupid Mark. At the Silly Mark, do it, do it, do it, DOOOOOO IIIIIIIIT—

"You know, Mimi's gonna be at Maureen's show tonight," NO! Just hearing her name made me shake and shiver and... blech. "You should come," he tried to convince me very weakly, and I really wanted to slam that stupid banana right in his face. "I'd hate to see you pass up something that could be good for you."

GOOD FOR YOU? Oooh, Roger, whatcha gonna do about Mark basically owning you right there? Oooh, what's he, your mommy? Since when has this whiteass been the master of what's "good for you"? Instead of whipping out my karate moves on the stupid banana peel, I laughed, Silly Mark.

"You'll only regret it."

Pfft. "I'll live," and I took a sip of my coffee, like I was the all-knowing Cobra Commander of this conversation and he was just the mere Optimus Prime.

"Right." Was he second-guessing my living abilities or something? He nodded and stood up, obviously disgraced that I was being the way I was. I watched him leave with his stupid little camera that he tows around everywhere, and I waited for a moment, just staring out the window as I pictured Life Support. Mark sitting around and filming it all, barging in on these people who really needed help, and what was he, a fucking cameraman? No.

Ooh, Mark totally got to you. You want to go, Roger, you wanna go, throoooooow me and then you'll go... throooooooooooow me Roger, do it, do it, throooow me! You know you want to! Throoooo—

Then, angrily I stood up and threw the banana peel across the loft, cackling as it hit the floor and didn't bother me again. "Stupid banana peel! I have conquered you! I am the Cobra Commander! I have conquered you!" Once I was finished yelling at it, I jumped down from the ledge of the window and paced around for a while.

"Life Support, no Life Support. Life Support, no Life Support. Okay, Roger, let's do some pros and cons. Pros. Maybe get a little bit of your angstiness ventilated. Okay, that's good. Um... maybe Mark will get off your back about the protest and maybe you won't have to go if you go out today. Um... and maybe something really bad could happen to you and you won't have to go to the protest!"

Then I sat down on the couch. "Okay, cons. Cons. Um... cons... what are the cons... the cons of going to Life Support..." I became frustrated. "THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING BAD ABOUT GOING TO LIFE SUPPORT!" Then I decided, well, there really isn't. "Aww, screw it!" and I ran out of the loft...

...before running right back in.

Then, just for the record, I shouted, "I'm not schizophrenic!" and ran back out the door.

When I was walking down the cold street, my head down, trying not to forget how to breathe, I started hearing music and was frankly scared. No, not more rhyming! I was already losing my rhyme juice, after all of that rhyming with Mimi...

When I opened the door to Life Support, I was overjoyed by seeing that the rhyming had already begun, and I could just hop in whenever I wanted to. "Will I lose my dignity, will someone care? Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare—" I stopped. Waaaaaaaaaaait a second. What was

this? Will I lose my dignity? Hmmm. Good question.

I hopped back in where I had left off, suddenly very glum and sad and depressed about the world. "Will I lose my dignity, will someone care? Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?" And I just held 'mare,' as I saw that everyone was going to be ending soon and I didn't want to be stuck on an awkward rhyme for the end.

Then Life Support ended and for some reason, everyone was congratulating me, and I just stayed mellow. Stupid world. When I got outside, Collins was like, "I am so glad you came, man. I'm proud of you." I just choked out a joking, whatever, Thanks," as Mark practically ran down the stairs with his camera, finding something interesting to film.

It was only then that I noticed how cold it had gotten. Holy shit, it got cold! It's cold! Oh, my God, global—... icing! Global icing, holy shit, oh my God, me coming outside has totally thrown off the balance of the world. I went to turn and run but Collins grabbed my arm and kept me there.

I just kind of hung around next-to-behind him and then, out of nowhere—"Who do you think you are?"

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! There was this SCARY LADY right in front of Mark! Part of me wanted to jump in front of him and protect him—she was so scary!—but I decided to let Mark fend for himself... and if it was necessary I'd protect my own life and possibly Angel's, since she was the hypothetical girl of the situation... I think?

"I don't need no goddamn help from some bleeding heart cameraman, my life's not for you to make a name for yourself on." Ooh, she swore! I was going to call her out on that. Scary swearing lady!

"Easy, sugar, easy," Angel said sweetly, in that charming way it has. What? I'm not sure what Angel is... wouldn't it be the popular pronoun? "He was just trying to—"

"Just trying to use me to kill his guilt!" The lady shouted, making me jump. Collins looked at me, concerned, but I looked down at my boots. "It's not that kinda movie, honey! This lot is full of artists!" Well, we weren't exactly on a lot... we were on a street... but that's okay... I guess... "Hey, artist, you got a dollar?"

NOW SHE WAS TRYING TO ROB MARK! And he did have money—the money that Angel had given us, unless he already blew that on what, rubber ducky bath toys and new scarves! And not to mention pet sea monkeys! Mark did not know how to save his money!

I licked my chops like I was going to attack and kill her. But Mark just kind of stood there stupidly and then the lady shook her head, disgraced, and said, "Didn't think so." We stood there dumbly, Angel shooting the woman looks of "ARHGHGHHARGHH!" Collins just kinda like "Oh man we did not just get owned by a homeless old fat lady" and Mark still kind of in shock, scared, like he wanted to curl up in a corner and die.

We left and practically ran to the subway stop—just because it was so freaking cold out—and then I was hearing music again... "Shit, rhyming time," I muttered beneath my breath.

"What, Roger?"

"Um... shit, climbing mime!" I covered. "It's my new song... 'Shit, climbing mime... such a pretty sight! I love the climbing mime... he's lovely and... white?'"

Silence.

I kept my head down and kept walking.

A/N: Hahaha, next is Santa Fe.

REVIEW!

–Steph.