Blank no Go

A.N.: I earnestly apologize for the delay! My excuse: I began to write this but did not like it. In order to yield a higher quality, I scrapped it and took my time rewriting. The epilogue is the result. This is officially the last chapter. I sincerely hope you enjoy it.

For the last time: Hikaru no Go is not mine. Thank you.

(And the asterisks continue to disappear. As Hatsuharu from Furuba says, "A mystery..."

Epilogue

(888 Asterisks without the "shift" key)

He ran through the streets, not bothering with the train. He knew he could make it to Touya's apartment in around a half hour. It was by the Ki-in. There were disturbing similarities between that dream and Touya's real life. He could not ignore that.

When he finally arrived, out of breath, he could see that the light in Touya's window was on. There was his silhouette, leaned over a book. Occasionally, he could see the shadow lift a pencil and mark the paper that was sticking out of the text.

He took out his cell phone and looked at the time. What the hell was Touya doing up at half past three in the morning?

Then again…what the hell was he doing up at half past three in the morning?

Making sure Touya hadn't committed suicide on him. Right.

He wondered how to tell Touya he was standing outside his window after having a horrible nightmare without sounding childish – or like a creepy stalker.

Screw it. He dialed.

He watched the figure in the window jump slightly and glance away from the window, in the direction of the phone. He saw Touya's figure put the book down and stand, a shadow somehow managing to look disbelieving and annoyed at the same time.

"Yes, who is it?" he heard three seconds after he saw a dark hand pick up a phone.

"Um, hey," he said lamely.

"Shindou, what on earth are you doing, calling me now? What is it?"

Yeah, Touya was a bit annoyed. Well, too bad. "What are you doing? You shouldn't be reading at three-thirty in the morning!"

There was a pause. "Where exactly are you, Shindou?" Touya's voice asked calmly.

"Um…outside?"

A few moments later, Touya's curtains were thrown open and they could easily see each other.

"I'm not sure what to say," Touya's voice came through the phone as he watched the mouth move in the window. "Come in, I suppose…."

He watched as the phone was put down and heard the dial tone. Touya was still waiting in the window.

He took a deep breath, willing Touya not to be too angry or weirded out or whatever Touya might be feeling too much of. He walked into the building and pushed open the door that led to the apartment.

As he took off his shoes, Touya held out a glass of water and said, "Yesterday was the fifth."

"Yeah, so what?" he responded, not taking the drink. "Not like you cared, right?"

Touya set the glass down on a counter and continued to look at him. "You're never around on the fifth of May."

"Again, so?"

"I figured that you would not want to be bothered, but apparently it's perfectly fine to bother me," Touya concluded, sitting back down at the desk by the window and shutting his book. Hikaru could read the front cover; it was a textbook, as he suspected. Touya did not look at him as he straightened his notes, which Hikaru could see where organized by chapter, section, and difficulty.

Suddenly he saw again the dream-Touya, staring at his calculus exam and pondering why life was so empty. He remembered why he had capriciously decided to come.

"Are you okay?" he asked suddenly.

Touya turned around, slight confusion evident in his expression. "I thought that I was going to be the one to ask that," he said quietly. "Of course. Could that not have waited until tomorrow morning?"

"When you would've been sleeping or something? Nah."

"I have a game tomorrow morning."

"Then what the hell are you doing up!"

"I ask the same of you, Shindou – I seem to recall you have one scheduled at the same time."

He suddenly remembered that he did. "Right," he said. "Answer my question first."

"I'm studying," Touya said resolutely. "Nothing more."

"At three thirty-six in the morning!"

"Better than spying on those who are. What are you doing here, Shindou?"

"Making sure you don't turn into a crazy workaholic anorexic emo maniac!"

Touya blinked, stood up again, and pushed the glass of water into Hikaru's hands. "Drink that," he advised. "And I do not consider myself to be what you described."

"Well, you could've been," Hikaru informed him.

Touya stared at him, obviously wondering whether or not he should inquire if Hikaru was insane.

"No, seriously," said Hikaru, actually drinking some water. "And you shouldn't be studying now – you'll never remember anything."

"Would you like me to recite these word for word to you?" Touya asked him, holding out the fat stack of notes. "I can, you know. I have an exam tomorrow, after my game."

"Do you do this every night? Stay up this late?"

"No. That would be foolish, to do this every day. Really, Shindou, I know how much sleep I need. If you came all the way here at this hour just to make sure I'm not sleep deprived (although I might be now), then–"

"I had a dream, okay? And in it you really scared me – you killed yourself – and I just wanted to make sure you weren't crazy, damn it!" Hikaru then realized what he had said. God, he sounded so childish: I had a horrible nightmare so I had to make sure everybody was okay….

But Touya simply nodded. He walked to the kitchen area of the apartment and began removing various foods and pans from cupboards.

"What are you doing?"

"Cooking," replied Touya. He glanced back at Hikaru. "As long as you're here, I might as well make something."

"I'm not that hungry," said Hikaru, but (as usual) his stomach betrayed him by growling. He hadn't eaten much the previous day; he had been too preoccupied with remembering Sai. He admitted, "Okay, yeah, maybe I'd want a little something, but – you can cook?"

Touya shrugged. "Of course I can cook. I live by myself, and takeout gets old. Besides, who ever said my father taught me everything I know? Mother is an excellent cook."

Hikaru nearly laughed. "Do you have–"

"No, I do not have ramen," interrupted Touya. "Deal with Chinese."

"Chinese that's not takeout?"

"Yes." Touya's head disappeared as he searched in the back of a cabinet.

Hikaru wandered over to where Touya was looking in cabinets. To his relief, they were full of food, not nearly empty like in the dream. A similar inspection of the refrigerator yielded the same result.

"Are you an insomniac?" Hikaru asked suddenly.

Touya turned from where he was manipulating the stove and simply stared. "No," he said hesitatingly. "Again, you're asking strange questions…. But let me guess: I was an insomniac in that dream, is that it?"

"Um, yeah," said Hikaru. He laughed a little as he said, "But dreams aren't true, right?"

"Yes," Touya agreed softly. "I dreamed that perhaps on the fifth you mourn for Sai. But that is ridiculous. I did not intend to tell you."

"Did you see Sai?" Hikaru asked earnestly, not caring that would make Touya suspicious.

"No. You were just holding that fan you always have, that's all. Standing somewhere, I don't remember. I think in the dream I knew it was Innoshima. But as I said, that's ridiculous. I thought of calling you, but if you were indeed busy, I didn't want to interrupt." Touya began to fry unidentifiable things in a pan; Hikaru hoped they were edible. "And yes, this is what some food looks like before it's cooked."

"Are you kidding? Take-out originally is this?"

"Yes." Touya added something green to the mix. It sizzled.

After a few moments of silence, Hikaru asked, "Was there anything else? About Sai?"

"I don't know why I thought Sai was there. I don't even know who he is. I just knew – in the dream – that you were not Sai, that you were in Innoshima, and that you were…sad," Touya finished, obviously finding his own dream childish. "Speaking of which–"

"I don't – I don't know Sai!" Hikaru exclaimed.

"Liar," said Touya calmly, stirring with a wooden spoon. "You can barely bring yourself to say it."

"He's dead, what does it matter!"

Touya glanced at him. "What matters is that your Go is his. You said so yourself. If you're really a part of Sai – or your Go is – then he still lives…through Go."

"You always – relate everything – to Go," Hikaru managed to say, struggling to appear unfazed.

"I suppose Sai did as well." Touya fiddled with knobs on the stove and added some other unknown spice. "Do you want anything other than chicken lo mein?"

"That doesn't look like lo mein. It doesn't have noodles."

"That's because I haven't started the lo mein yet, Shindou."

"Then what's that?" asked Hikaru, pointing to the pan.

"My own invention."

"Trying to poison me?"

"I'll eat it first. I never subject anyone to cooking experiments unless they have, like Ogata-san, a masochistic streak. And unless they have, like Ogata-san, very strange tastes." Touya continued stirring with one hand while reaching into a cabinet and pulling out a package of noodles with the other.

"Sai played him once."

"Who, Ogata-san? I never saw the kifu – and I know all Sai's kifu, Shindou."

Hikaru covered his mouth with a hand. "Oh shit," he muttered.

"Ogata-san doesn't remember the game – let me guess, he was drunk – and you were there. You saw it," said Touya.

"Yeah."

"But you are not Sai. I am sure of that," Touya said, almost to himself.

"Yeah."

Touya let out a breath. "All the conclusions I'm coming to can't possibly–"

"Wanna bet?" Hikaru said suddenly, surprised at how bitter he sounded.

"Since you just said that, not particularly. Not that I think you'd tell the truth if I actually guessed," said Touya. "You've always lied about Sai, Shindou."

"I was telling the truth – I'm not Sai!"

"Of course," Touya murmured, managing to stir, chop, and pour ingredients with only two hands. "Whatever you say."

"I'm not! I knew him, but I'm not him!" Hikaru yelled, practically in Touya's face. The other pro had no idea about Sai – none at all!

Actually, that wasn't true. But it sounded strangely satisfying in Hikaru's head. Touya had come closer to the truth than anyone, including Ogata and even Touya ex-Meijin. Now, however, was not the time to admit it.

"You told me you didn't know Sai. My father would never tell me the truth, either. I haven't come to expect it," Touya said honestly, deciding to largely ignore Hikaru's outburst. "Hold this." He shoved a bottle of something in Hikaru's hands; the other took it and glanced at the covered counter, realizing why he had been called on.

"What – what were your conclusions?" Hikaru asked, stunning himself.

"Nothing important. As I said before, if I said them without being able to find out if they were true, it'd just be foolish." Touya deftly took the first dish off the stove, poured it contents onto a waiting plate, and put a new pot in its place with his other hand.

"Will you answer something different, then?"

Touya eyed him, barely betraying his confusion and concern for his friend's sanity. "I suppose," he finally answered.

"If I had never existed, then what?"

Touya refilled Hikaru's glass, handed it to him, and commanded, "Sit down. If you're thinking of killing yourself, go get help. Please. I'll not have your death on my conscience."

"No, it's not that – just answer the damn question!"

"If, if – who knows? Why bother worrying? What happened, happened. And we're probably the better for it. But if you're so determined…I don't know. 'Then what' is rather vague." Touya now turned his attention back to the second dish.

"No – just take…you. Or somebody."

"I'll take 'you' since 'somebody' is also too vague." Touya was silent for a few moments; Hikaru did not interrupt his thinking. Finally, Touya said contemplatively, "I would have kept moving forward, I think. Maybe not as fast. Maybe my playing style would have been different. I would have been saved quite a lot of trouble, certainly. If you had never existed…I wouldn't have as many opponents. As many good opponents. I wouldn't have…a…." Touya stopped.

"A rival," he finally said, as if it almost hurt to admit. He nearly turned on Hikaru, as if to blame him for the confession: "If that helps any, say so – as I have no idea, really. What a pointless question…."

"It helps," Hikaru whispered.

"Who is Sai?"

Hikaru jerked his head up to look at Touya, who was staring at him determinedly.

"Tell me, Shindou," he said simply.

"Sai's not–" Hikaru stopped and could not find the willpower to continue. He took a drink from his second glass of water instead. "Look, tell me what you think first."

Touya's face showed his anger. "Fine. If that is what it takes for you to actually tell me or for you to leave, fine."

"Yeah," Hikaru agreed.

"Sai…existed. But only you could see him, mostly – I haven't worked out all of it yet. He needed you to play. If he wished, he could tell you where to play in your games." Touya wore a look of intense concentration, the same he had during games. "Sai was a master of Go. He was not a child, but had been playing Go for decades, at least."

Hikaru could only nod. In a way, he could easily accept that Touya had figured all of that out. He had had years to think on it, after all, and he had steadily gathered clues all the way.

"Sai taught you to play Go. Without Sai, I doubt you would have ever picked up a stone. You played Sai so often your style became like his. You stopped having Sai play – and you played instead. That explains your games with me before we were both professional players. It also explains the Internet Go – you wanted to have Sai play, but not in a way that would incriminate you. And I almost caught you at it." Touya's face darkened at the memory but he continued, although with hesitancy, "The only solution that I can think of is this: Sai was – is, I don't know – a spirit. A specter, a phantom, a ghost. A ghost who could play Go.

"But of course that's ridiculous," he finished. He looked over to Hikaru, whose head was in his hands, which were shaking.

"Damn, Touya – you knew all along, didn't you!" Hikaru cried, his voice muffled.

Touya's mouth dropped open. "I – I made a speculation, Shindou. I certainly didn't know."

Hikaru looked up, the palms of his hands and face wet. "How much else?" he whispered, voice taut and hoarse.

"Sai died – disappeared – left – whatever word it is – on the fifth of May. And you reserve that day to mourn for him. Although I am unsure how a ghost dies, it must have happened somehow.

"That explains why you didn't play right after you went pro. Sai must have…gone…after he played my father on the Internet. When you came back, you wanted to keep Sai there, through Go. And you bought that little fan. That's the only part I can't figure out." Touya shrugged. "Perhaps that has nothing to do with it."

"N-no," Hikaru choked out. "He – had one of those. The real ones."

Touya took the second pot off the stove and set it on a cloth on the table. He looked again at Hikaru's face and went to a cabinet. He removed three folding boards and stones, and also brought over the nice set he kept in the middle of the room. He placed all four in front of Shindou. He placed Sai's first game in the modern world on the first. The second, the game where Sai had completely defeated him. The third, Sai's game online with Touya Meijin. The fourth Touya remained empty.

"Do you suppose Sai would mind that it is the sixth, one day late?" he asked finally, removing the covers of the Go bowls.

Hikaru shrugged, refusing to look towards Touya. His eyes remained fixated on the three games Touya had displayed.

"We will play in his honor. Nigiri, Shindou."

Hikaru knew he was not leaving the house without playing the game. He let out a shaky sigh and sat in Seiza across from Touya, who waited patiently with one or two stones in his hand. Hikaru didn't know which.

They played. Simply played. They made it all the way through the endgame and counted points.

"That game was worthy of him," Touya said. "Compare this game – the one we have just made – to his others."

Hikaru did so, and found that their combined strength – the strength that truly came forth when he and Touya played each other – was inching closer and closer to Sai's.

"You're right," Hikaru admitted quietly.

"I want to hear about Sai later, if you can tell me," Touya said, not dispersing the stones but sitting back and gazing at the game again. "The next time, though – don't come at three in the morning."

Hikaru glanced towards the clock; it was six forty-five. Sunlight was beginning to wade through Touya's curtains and make its way into the room.

"I guess the food's cold," he said.

"Take it with you," suggested Touya. "I don't need it. You, on the other hand – ramen is only good for so many days in a row."

"Blasphemy," Hikaru said. He and Touya stood at the same moment. Both crossed to where the untouched food lay. Hikaru stirred it around experimentally while Touya unearthed styrofoam containers.

Hikaru beheld them and said, "HAH! You do eat take-out!"

Touya shrugged. "I can't make sushi as well as the place I get it from."

They proceeded to package the food in silence. Hikaru picked up the two flimsy boxes and walked toward the room. He sat to pull on his shoes and Touya held open the door for him without a word.

Hikaru walked out and glanced back at Touya, who stared intently at him.

"You know, Shindou," he said softly, "if you had not existed – neither Sai nor I, nor any of your other friends, would have had what we most needed. Your Go. Hikaru no Go."

Hikaru stood in front of the closed door a long time after Touya quietly shut it.

Eventually, when the light in the sky was too high to ignore, he picked up the two little styrofoam boxes with Touya's Chinese food, and began to walk home. He had a game in two hours, but not an exam after. He smiled a little, thinking he might coerce Touya into eating lunch by offering to pay at the nearest sushi place.

As a grin spread across his face and tears ran down his cheeks, he knew that in the day's game he would continue to honor Sai – and that Sai would live, not just through memories, but through his Go. Hikaru's Go.

The End.

(888)

A.N. In order to clarify, Hikaru no go is literally "Hikaru's Go." Ergo the significance of the title and Touya's statement in this chapter. Now to the real author's notes: Thank you very much, those of you who stuck with the story! Kudos to Yui-Mag and Pure Shikon for encouraging this idea, and everyone who reviewed. If you liked this fic, I would suggest going to Yui-Mag's profile and clicking on the angst Hikaru no Go fics. They are amazing. Also, I have written another HnG angst, You May Play the Divine Move, if you are interested in my own humble writing. Again, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!