Full Disclosure
Sinking815
July 8th, 2007
A/N: Written for Shavanda. Thanks for the ideas when my muse stalled. Reviews always appreciated.
"And in the air, the fire flies,
Our only light in paradise."Nickelback
She wasn't exactly staring at a celebration, but that was the only word Kate could think of to describe the scene before her. The random bits of wreckage of their camp burned high in scattered fires across the beach. The atmosphere was lighter, more playful, more suitable for a tropical paradise. To her fellow survivors, that's exactly what this island had become, she mused.
Despite the raucous laughter and the numerous smiles surrounding her, Kate felt oddly distant from it all. It should have been easy to welcome herself to any of the fireside chatter and ponder what the first food would be that she'd reach for at the grocery store or what was the first place she'd most like to see. It should have been, but it couldn't be. So rather than be an anchor to the buoyancy around her, Kate stood isolated, observing because there was little else she could do.
Crossing her arms against the brisk night breeze, Kate let her eyes wander and reminisce over the few individuals she'd allowed in to her dark world. Sun was the best friend she wouldn't be able to confide in anymore. Claire was the kid sister she wouldn't be able to watch out for. She'd miss Sayid's quiet demeanor and his calculated adventures. She'd miss the moments that she thought she actually understood Locke and the moments she was terrified of him. And even though she'd pretend like she wouldn't, she'd miss Sawyer.
Noticing a definite hole in her thoughts, Kate frowned as another name that would be indefinitely tied to the southerner raced through her mind. She surveyed the camp, her head nodding with each person, as if she were a teacher taking headcount of her class. Jack was conspicuously missing.
She still didn't understand how she just knew, but Kate turned completely away from the fires and mirth and located his still silhouette almost instantly. She wondered if it was some sort of irreversible connection that had somehow bound them together, forged by fear, counting to five, and a small sewing kit. Her feet navigating the deep sand with relative ease, Kate felt like she was walking back in time, to a moment when lies and betrayals were just undisclosed mug shots. She shivered when she finally reached his side, biting her lip against the nerves tingling in the tips of her toes.
"How's the hand?" Kate winced the instant her words hit the air. It sounded canned to her own ears, but Jack turned toward her, his rugged features softening as she sat, cross-legged, next to him, either not noticing or not bothering to comment on her awkward interruption.
"Hey," he replied, subconsciously flexing his right hand, mimicking her wince albeit for very different reasons. "Sore. But that's to be expected. You should see…"
"…the other guy?" Kate finished, finding a calmer tone. "I did."
It wasn't quite a chuckle but the huff of amusement and the smile that stretched his face put Kate more at ease. She felt her cheeks flush at her sudden giddiness and quickly looked to the ocean to camouflage her embarrassment. They were quiet for a moment, content to just enjoy each other's presence, until Kate decided to pry.
"You did a good thing today, Jack," she said softly, pulling her words from the caves.
Almost immediately, he shook his head, his jaw set in that stubborn need to argue, his lips pressed tightly together until they were no more than a line across his face.
"Not for everyone," came the ever pessimistic reply.
She regarded him, scrunching her brow and cocking her head slightly right, an expression she knew would draw out whatever thoughts had him so isolated and pensive. It still fascinated her that she could work Jack Shephard like a puppet, yet she couldn't control him.
"Not for you, at least." He sighed, a hint of exasperation in his breath and pulled his hands over his face in that familiar weary gesture.
Now it was a game, their game, one she was fast becoming reasonably good at playing. There were two options; she could continue to war against his ornery condemnation or she could distract him from it. Kate glanced skyward, absorbing the multitude of stars with an appreciation derived from her own melancholy mood. She opted for the latter, flopping backward into the sand, indifferent to the fact that would have one hell of a time sorting grains from hair.
"Jack," she said, though his attention was already on her supine form. "You ever feel…" She paused, considering what emotion was running through her veins. "Small?"
Confused, he looked down at her as she stared up at him.
"Kate," he said, "I'm six foot, three. I don't think I could feel small…" His voice trailed at her wound expression. She wasn't joking anymore.
"Not small, but…" Her brow furrowed, her lips pouting at her incompetence to explain what she meant.
"Inconsequential? Unimportant?" he offered.
She nodded, the constellations reflected in her green eyes. "Yeah, unimportant."
When she didn't elaborate, Jack moved to lie next to her, casting a skeptical eye to the sky before reaching gently for her hand.
"Maybe you should stop looking at the stars," he whispered.
Kate turned slightly to face him, watching his thumb glide soothingly over her knuckles and momentarily losing focus because of it. She thought he might still be teasing her, but one look into his dark hazel eyes told her he was beyond serious.
"I meant what I said before, you know," he said. "On the way to the radio tower."
Suddenly, all she wanted to do was cry. Because this was what she was going to miss the most. The simplicity and honesty of their friendship, even if it was smudged with their inability to just say it. The understanding without the words of explanation. Just being them. And this was the last time she had to hold onto them.
When his thumb left her hand to brush away the tear that had escaped her eye, Kate considered telling him right then and there the truth about her feelings and how she'd run from him so many times because what he did to her made her feel out of control. And it was precisely him that made her hesitate to say anything at all.
"I thought you were dead," she said, her voice heavy with pent up anguish. "Today, when Locke had that gun… I thought you were gone."
He watched her and she could only hope he understood what she was getting at. Instead of saying just three simple words, she was going to use the entire dictionary.
"And I felt unimportant," she continued. "Because there was nothing I could do to stop him."
Jack's fingers traveled from her cheek to brush lightly through her hair. They were so close, and Kate knew the next few words she wanted to say was the closest she was going to get to full disclosure. She found his eyes and willed that swirling heat and tension to show.
"I almost lost you," she whispered.
"But you didn't." It was an attempt at comfort.
She stared at him, trying to memorize every detail of his face, every color in his eyes. Kate thought that if she concentrated hard enough, she could stop time and freeze this instant forever. She wished this conversation could end there. For them, there was always the next step.
"I'm going to anyway."
Finis