Hellsing Soup Kitchen!!!

This story is a record of what happened one Friday in winter, when the important members of the Hellsing Agency, along with a handful of normal people, volunteered at the First United Church's special monthly soup kitchen. Why? Think of a reason for your goddamn self! God, lazy readers...

Between 4:00 and 4:30 pm, these occurrences were ongoing:

The kitchen, with its newly deactivated (by handgun, that is) smoke alarm, filled with gray cigar clouds

Alucard sat around drinking

Seras did 90 of the cooking, table setting, and other work

A boy with freckles removed uncut brownies from their pans and threw them into the air, where they were quickly sliced to pieces by tiny metal threads

4:30 pm:

"Alucard! Do some work!" yelled Integra.

He looked at her coolly from between his glasses and his hat.

"What are my orders?"

"SEARCH AND DESTROY! SEARCH AND DESTROY!" she yelled instinctively, before she realized her mistake. "No! Alucard! Alucard! Stop that! What I really meant was: 'prepare a delicious lasagna'! Damn." She muttered the last word.

4:42 pm:

"Alucard! Stack those chocolate chip cookies!" yelled Integra.

Alucard looked at Seras briefly.

"Yes, sir, My Lord and Master!" she said immediately, and commenced stacking.

"Alucard!" yelled Integra. "Stop dumping all your work on her and go watch the lasagna! No! No! I meant with the eyes on your face! Damn."

4:53 pm:

At the urging of a fat woman, the volunteers assembled to pray before opening the doors.

"God," began the fat woman, "we thank you for the food we are about..."

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamen!" yelled someone, with a peculiar, creepy rising-and-falling intonation.

The woman looked around, but couldn't find the source of the sound.

"Could whoever that was please kindly be quiet?" she asked. "I'm not yet done the prayer."

She tried again.

"God, we thank you for the opportunity to help those..."

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamen!" yelled someone again.

There was a long, long awkward pause.

She tried one more time.

"Aaaaaaa-" began the person.

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" yelled the little boy with freckles, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW ANNOYING THAT IS? JUST WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?"

Father Alexander Anderson failed to answer, not counting completely irrelevant bible passages.

7:02 pm:

"Wow!" said Seras, "Can you believe we got through that with only two massive bloodbaths?"

"Actually," said Walter, "it was three."