Bold- Sirius
Italicized- Remus
Underlined - Peter
Regular- James

Italics/Underline-Marlene

Bold/Italicized/Underlined-Ads/Pranks/Letters asking for advice
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters.

Messrs Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs present the Marauders Monday
Magazine: A Guide to Life at Hogwarts. (Results may vary).

Prank of the Day:

The new term is upon us everyone, which means it is time to do something spectacular!

Like studying for our NEWTS?

Ah, Remus, so young, so naïve.

I am older than you.

But, I am wiser.

Uh, no one thinks that. Literally, no one.

AS I WAS SAYING, or as James was saying at any rate, the new term is a time for spectacular pranks. Note that I said pranks and not study schedules.

Professors come into each new term rejuvenated and ready to "crack down" on student discipline. It is vital that we prevent teachers from thinking that they can gain control over us. In order to prevent such a travesty we must take the time to offer them new and improved forms of torment.

This means that we must launch a highly personal attack. One good idea is to bewitch the chalkboard in the classroom so that whatever instructions they write instantly change.

More specifically, a Professor may write read Chapters 1 and 2 of a Thousand Magical Herbs and Fungi, and write two rolls of parchment summarizing it.

With a little creative spellwork that instruction can be easily changed to "glue first years to stair railings by their clothes with permanent sticking charms so they have to strip naked to get back to their dormitories."

…I become more horrified by the both of you with each passing day.

Thanks, Remmie, that means a lot to us.

Just give the disclaimer.

'Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, Sirius Black, and James Potter, henceforth known as the Marauders, are not responsible for any loss of self-confidence, loss of limb, or loss of life that may result from using any of their pranks, furthermore, in the most 'official' sense of the term, we do not condone the use of any of these pranks on your fellow students (we're obligated to say this for legal reasons, however…),therefore in the event that your use of any of the pranks or ideas suggested within the pages of this magazine is not the responsibility of the Marauders.'

Comedy Corner:

A rural farm boy gets accepted to a university in a big city. He gets bored one day and wants to see a school Quidditch game. The only problem is that he has no idea where the Quidditch field is. When he finally sees someone on the deserted campus, he asks that snotty young man "Where is the Quidditch game at?

The young man sneers and says "My dear fellow, don't you know never to end a sentence with a preposition?"

The farm boy wonders how to reword his sentence and finally replies, "Where is the Quidditch game at, you a-hole?"

(joke submitted by 'Loha)

In case you were wondering, Moony, you're the "snotty young man,"

In case you were wondering, Padfoot, I can and will give you a haircut.

Two dragons go into a pub

The first one says, it's hot in here isn't it?

The second one replies, shut your mouth

Are your jokes ever going to get any better?

Doubtful.

What is a ghost's favorite color?

Boo!

Yeah…definitely not.

Poetry Corner:

Colors

By: Sirius Black

Roses are grey,

Violets are grey,

I am a dog.

(poem submitted by IamSiriuslyADemigod)

Backstabbing Traitors

By: Sirius Black

There once was a terrible friend

Who never knew how to bend

She dated a loser

She'll soon be a boozer

With a heart that will never mend

Proactivity

By: Remus Lupin

There is a big, big test

I don't mean to sound a pest

But you had better grab a buddy

And learn to study

Or your life will not be the best

Nerds

By: James Potter and Sirius Black

There once was a big huge nerd

He got carried away by a bird

What kind of poem is that?

Some would call it a couplet.

We call it a helpful lesson on what happens to nerds who try to force people to study.

I could take both of you down with one hand tied behind my back.

He honestly could.

Er, on that cheerful note let's move on to Advice from the Marauders.

Dear MWPP,
...I got my girlfriend the wrong gift for Christmas. She's not talking to me. I've tried roses and chocolates and all that romantic stuff but she won't talk to me! I love her but she won't listen to me! I want her back. Really bad. Am I beyond help? Or can I save my love life?
Sincerely,
BeggingOnMyKnees

(Question submitted by life1428)

As the only Marauder in a long-term relationship, I will answer this question-

DORCAS AND I HAVE BEEN MORE THAN TWICE AS LONG AS YOU AND LILY.

Yeah, but no one really knows that…

You should really try to be more effusive.

I can't even.

Anyway, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, I will be more than happy to offer some excellent advice to this reader: YOU ARE NOT BEYOND HELP! NEVER GIVE UP! TRULY THERE IS NO POINT AT WHICH IT BECOMES SAD AND STALKERISH. PEOPLE MAY TRY TO TELL YOUT HAT YOU ARE OBSESSIVE AND MENTALLY DISTURBED. IGNORE THEM. HATERS GONNA HATE. THEY JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND YOUR LOVE. I RECOMMEND YOU FOLLOW HER AROUND RECITING SONNETS TO HER HAIR.

Uh…

Erm.

Allow me: Love is a fruitless endeavor destined to end in heartbreak and misery. This chick sounds conceited and self-obsessed. She should be grateful you got her any present at all. She should be apologizing to you for her awful behavior. I say good riddance! You're better off without her. Move on! Consider charming a cloud to follow her around raining spiders and locusts while you're at it.

Was that better or worse than James' advice? I honestly can't tell.

It's too close to call. I am going to go ahead and step in. Sirius seems to have a point, erm, you know somewhere in there, which is this: relationships should not be focused on material gifts. However, if this girl means a lot to you, I think your first step should be to convince her to sit down and talk to you. It's possible that there is a deeper issue at play here. Perhaps the gift you gave her was something that she told you multiple times she did not like, and she feels that the present is a sign that you don't listen to her. If she is as great as you seem to think she probably has a reason for being angry, and if you really like her you should convince her to sit down with you and talk it out. If you have a hard time getting her to sit down with you, reach out to one of her friends and ask for some help talking her around.

PSH. That advice is for pansies! Throw every picture you have her in a bucket and light it on fire in a public burning ceremony. Let her know you don't need her one bit.

Perhaps we should move on, before Sirius or James decides to offer any more help?

Truly an excellent suggestion, Wormtail.

Dear Marauders,Remus: I have crazy friends just like you do. What are some lovely methods on how to get rid of them/make them shut up?Sirius: You disturb me to no end. Can I borrow Susie? (By the way, spoinkle is my new favorite word.)James: You disturb me, too. I'm not exactly why Lily said yes. Did you put her under the Imperius curse? Or perhaps the Confundus charm?Peter: You are slightly sane. I dislike sane people. You are also an idiot. I despise idiots.Love from The Only One You'll Ever Fear

(Question by WizardWay)

A simple Silencio can go a long way towards silence, but the best thing to do is find out what they fear most (like shaving their heads) and then threatening them with it and frequent and soul-crushing intervals.

Disturbing? Me? I just tell it like it is. Stay away from women. They are straight up evil harbingers of doom.

No, I did not magic Lily. Why do people keep asking me that?

Don't worry readers we cast every diagnostic spell in the book on Lily and we can't seem to find any magical reason to justify her response.

It seems to be a genuine mental illness…

Peter is not an idiot. He happens to be one of the best in our class at Astronomy. Don't make me hunt you down!

Haven't you had enough detentions yet?

Never! James and I are in a competition.

I WILL BE THE VICTOR.

ANYWAY, next question:

Dear Marauders

Well if your hair is all right then you'll be happy to know that I have been reading through my past editions of this magazine and a constructed the perfect prank in your dormitory and you have no way of stopping it. I await your screams Sirius Black

As for the kissing Remus told it me once in fifth year after a Christmas party.

Never Love

Pretty Gryffindor

P.S. Okay if Remus isn't free how about James? You should dump that tart Evans, all she does is moan about you even though you're going out and I know for certain that she is feeding you love potions because she is a vindictive bitch that only likes you because of your Quidditch skills. Call me when you break up.

(question submitted by Padfoot24601)

Does she think we were born yesterday? I regret to inform you that we always send a couple of lucky first years into our dormitory to shall we say test the waters before we venture forth.

It's not paranoia if everyone really is out to get us.

We also have them taste our food first.

Occasionally some first years are regrettably hospitalized but it is a risk we are willing to take.

As for the kissing Remus was probably just trying to be polite, he has a pretty strong chivalrous streak. Plus, Remus hardly kisses anyone (no one other than Dorcas these days) so it's hardly a ringing endorsement if he told you that a couple of years ago.

ALSO I WILL NEVER DUMP MY LILYFLOWER, AND HOW DARE YOU CALL HER A TART!

Also, Lily like, loathes Quidditch so there is just no way she is dating James for his Quidditch skills.

Dear Remus and Peter,

Since you two are the only ones that doesn't hate many Slytherins, I have to ask you this question. My friends are always regarding me to the Slytherins and a few special Slytherins at that. I mean I wear dark clothes, stay away from many people, don't express many emotions and read. How do I get them to stop. And my old 'boyfriend' is in on this. I consider to look up some old hexes in my families old books, and throwing old chocolate at them.

Mira S.S.L.J.N.R.C.P.L. Prince

(Question Submitted by Mira SeverusSirius Black-Snape)

Perhaps you should try explaining to your friends that you have no interest in dating Slytherins just because you dress and act like them. If that doesn't work you could always give the Slytherins a chance you may actually like one.

Not. Possible.

You could also start dating a non-Slytherin so they have to lay off.

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(advertisement submitted by 'Loha)

We could totally work for them.

If you don't start studying for exams it is going to be your only career prospect.

Again with the nagging, I swear you're worse than my mum.

I hope she beats you.

And on that note we conclude this month's issue of the Marauder's Monday Magazine! We will be back next month with our Valentine's Day Issue, until then this has been…

Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs!