Tales from Oblivion
Disclaimer: I only rented Oblivion, not one of those games you can just rent and hope to get anywhere in the game, I don't own it.
An: What kind of lame disclaimer was that? Who plays Oblivion for the main missions anyway? Not me!
An: What kind of lame Author's note was that? Of coarse you'd rent a game to complete it in a few hours, jeez!
An: Are you kidding me, second author's note? It takes 3 or 4 hours just to read through the stocked libraries in this game! ON TO CHAPTER 1 Already!!
Chapter 1- Making a hero, or bad guy –
There he was, Mr No name. Waiting to be created for the world to see.
So now it's time to thrash out some wicked character I'll be portraying throughout the game.
But what of all these strange races to choose from? Argonian, is it a race made from the blood of Aragon? It can't be! Good for special abilities, moving on.
How about Bretin? Worthless? Good for casting spells, who cares. Moving on…
Dark Elf, sounds and looks cool. Great agility, great magic, has good fighting skills. I'll have to come back for this one.
High Elf, wait a minute! There was no drug warning content label on the cover of this game, what good would a drug induced Elf be anyway? Oh, it's no that. Oh wait, this is a throw in, he's almost as good as the Dark Elf but can't fight worth a damn. Hmmm, moving on…
Imperial, sounds threatening! Let's see here. Great at talking! Hoo Boy! Moving on….
Khajiit, sounds like an Aztec curse word or something. Hmmm, do I want to be a thief in this game…… flashback….pick-pocketing is only allowed in the FULL VERSION…
Wait a second! This ain't no boring on-line game, this IS the full version. I'll have to think about this one too!
Nord, he's a good fighter in close range combat. I will think about this basic character as well.
Orc, no offence to Orc lovers everywhere but, this Orc looks like the biggest pansy version of an Orc in the history of Orcs. There is simply no way to alter this face to look anything threatening to thy enemy. "Oh look Nythanial III, there is a wimpy looking creature threatening us, how silly his face looks. Let us bitch slap him. "
Redguard, well this almost seems like cheating! This Redguard could kick some serious buttocks in thy name. Maybe that would bore me; I shall make my decision after a quick snack.
Whoops, I forgot about the forgotten Wood Elf. Another Elf to choose from, how creative! This one seems a tad sneaky; my chunky fingers could never touch that analog controller with so much delicate care, no. This cannot be No Name's choice!
The miracle of Pizza Pockets has satisfied my hunger. I have chosen Dark Elf; he looks like a bad ass.
So now we move on to the class, religion, and other very uninteresting things.
So I chose to be an expert Archer…..a mistake you say? But of course!
Several moments later……..
Here I am, Jeffrey. What a creative fantasy name! You certainly are a creative genius! Stuck in a jail cell. For some reason I forgot how to walk, talk, move my head around. They must've drugged me pretty bad.
Suddenly, guards enter the cell! Along with a noble King! Wow! After they talk to me for a bit the King tells me I'm the chosen one! It's a term I've never heard of before in the history of role playing games! He didn't say chosen one, but I got his drift.
I hope my main character Jeffrey has his own voice, usually stupid role playing games main heroes are mute, and that's so strange.
After an exhausting few minutes of storyline and talking, they enter a secret cave, I followed them realizing I don't really have a voice, damn! But I decided to pickpocket one of the guards on the way in, he didn't like it, so I tried to pick pocket the King, he didn't like it either. Touchy!
Near the end of the sewer mission, Picard, I mean, the King is dead, now I have to bring his amulet somewhere, yaw! Unlikely! I hear this world is so big you can play for days and not really discover the entire map.
I exit the sewers, I look into the distance. It is a beautiful world! I bend down and look closely at the grass; it's lightly blowing in the wind! This sure seems like a real world to me! I decide to lie down in the grass and sleep for 14 hours straight, by accident. That was realistic as hell! Now it's almost night again, what day is it? I'm confused, I've barely walked two steps and I'm lost!
Good thing for that GPS visible in the corner. I walk up a steep hill and jump once or twice, suddenly I can feel my agility strengthen! I figure by the end of this game I should be as agile as Spider-Man!
I walked into a large Imperial City. I talk to one of the guards who seem to have no time for me but will turn and face me while he talks. I keep talking to him and he says the same thing over and over again, is he a robot? I should add this investigation into my personal mission's diary, investigate robot guard. I decide to tell the guard a joke, he's not impressed, in fact, his expression changed dramatically, I think he's starting to get a real hate on for me here. I tell him the same joke over and over again. His expression remains the same; he's still really pissed off but will stand there and listen to my one, single joke for hours and not leave. He must be a glutton for punishment, they train there guards well here. I finally pretend to leave him alone; when he's walking away I try to steal his sword out of his pocket, what a place for it!
I end up staying my first couple of days in jail.
Meanwhile, the gates of Oblivion are open and death awaits the entire land. The entire city behind the gate is attacked; dozens of people have been killed! The only hero that can stop this madness is in jail jumping around trying to get more agility.
What will happen to Jeffrey?