Summary: Kenpachi is bored and goes for a wander through the 11th division where he finds Ikkaku and Yumichika making out. There is a competitive nature to the way that they kiss, and he can't help but muscle his way into both their mouths... to find out who is the strongest kisser! It's just crack. Pure crack. Just... crack.

Feedback: Comments are welcome. Flames are nice too because they make for something to laugh at and keep my feet toasty. No constructive comments needed, since I'm half asleep, high on caffeine and not one iota of me is serious about this .

Special Thanks: Kat for betaing for me through thick and thin! You rock hardcore!

Warnings: Slash for guys kissing other guys in manly ways. Crack. Possibly OOC, although I'd like to think that they're pretty close for crack.

Disclaimer: The characters found here do not belong to me. The story itself does belong to me. I am making no profit from this endeavour.

Notes: Inspired after seeing an art on y!gallery (http://yaoi. y-gallery. net/view/306970/) (fix the link so that there are no spaces) This isn't as serious as I'd like to see a Kenpachi/Yumichika, but... my muse screamed CRACK and that was the end of the argument. This is in no way meant to be serious. I like writing crack; it's fun and it's short and it's crack. Being a hardcore Ikkaku/Yumichika (and Shunsui/Jyuushiro) shipper, this kinda kills me, but at the same time it's the art was so HOT I couldn't resist!!

Manly Kisses

The eleventh division was not known for its quiet moments. For a division full of the strongest fighters in Soul Society there was always someone in a brawl - or at the very least training for a brawl - and someone somewhere was making some kind of noise that could in no-way be misconstrued as paperwork. Still, the quiet days did come along and Zaraki Kenpachi always found himself more than a little perturbed when the paperwork (that he didn't do) wasn't available and Yachiru (who was always with him) had left and he was really and truly left to his own devices and responsible for his own entertainment.

On one such day he found himself walking down one of the corridors of the eleventh division offices, scowling at the empty rooms and wishing for a distraction named Kurosaki Ichigo to come marching in so he could rip him to pieces with his zanpaktou, although he would have settled for finding a forgotten biscuit to munch on; anything was better than the empty rooms and empty day.

Then he heard it.

He tilted his head to listen, the bells on his hair ringing lightly and he cursed as they blotted out the noise. It had almost sounded like rustling fabric... or creaking floorboards, but it was tinged with the feel of combat and he felt himself overwhelmed to find its origin and join in. The sound had vanished, but he was already after it, the opportunity to pick a fight giving him godlike tracking senses.

He followed along until he was standing in the doorway of one of the rooms he'd presumed to be vacant. The sight that met his eyes was new - though he wasn't surprised - as he found the 5th and 3rd seat members of his division - Yumichika and Ikkaku respectively - locked in a passionate embrace that first turned his stomach, and then set his urge to fight into overdrive as he felt the competitive nature of the act radiating from their bodies. Yumichika was pressing Ikkaku to the wall, trapping the bald man's mouth in a heated kiss that oozed a play for dominance. It appeared as if the two would gently caress each other's mouths in tender kisses before switching gears to aggressively fight with teeth and lips.

Kenpachi stood his ground at the display, arms crossed as he waited for the pair to notice his presence, even going so far as to make a noise in his throat to announce his arrival. If anything, this caused the pair to increase their caresses and Kenpachi arched a brow as Ikkaku turned the tables on his brunette lover, roughly spinning him around to press against the wall. Yumichika's tenor growl of annoyance cut through to Kenpachi and the Captain moved to cross the distance between them in a few long strides. He roughly grabbed Ikkaku by the shoulder and ripped him away before descending upon the beautiful Yumichika to get a taste of the other shinigami.

His scarred and rough lips parted to press against the smaller man's, demanding entrance before forcing it. His sharp tongue danced past perfect teeth that bit down on the intruding organ. He grinned at the pain - pain meant a fight - and pressed the kiss deeper. After a quick battle, Yumichika's tongue eventually responded to his and rose to meet it. The organ was soft and pliant, belying the strength of its owner and Kenpachi flicked the edge of his along its flat surface before withdrawing and breaking apart from the kiss.

He turned from Yumichika - who was looking up at him with hard eyes from beneath bright feathers - and faced a very pissed-off looking Ikkaku. The bald shinigami's eyes were blazing fire at being interrupted and having his lover kissed by his Captain right in front of him. His zanpaktou remained sheathed, though his fist was raised in protest and Kenpachi grabbed his wrist to pull him in for a kiss of his own.

Soft lips responded immediately, fighting against his invasion, attempting to both curse and kiss at the same time while his teeth came to bite sharply against his Captain's tongue. Kenpachi growled at the pain and pushed further, bowing over the shorter man to take the higher ground in his attack. Ikkaku put up a marvelous fight, though Kenpachi used his teeth, grinding his fang-like canines against the 3rd seat's lip, distracting the other man long enough to firmly possess his mouth and win the fight. The bald man pressed against his chest as a final resistance before his tongue finally rose to meet Kenpachi's in a less aggressive manner. Kenpachi growled again and broke the kiss, letting Ikkaku back away to join Yumichika as the two shorter men regarded him with flushed cheeks and hard, questioning eyes.

Zaraki Kenpachi, strongest shinigami in all of Soul Society and captain of the 11th division shrugged before turning away from his subordinates and walking away. "I'm still the strongest," he said with a grin before adding, "but I like a good challenge so keep training!" He closed the door behind him and waited until he heard the rustling of the two inside resuming their previous activities before nodding and stalking off down the hallway again. He was still bored and really in the mood for a good fight after his warm up. A list of possible opponents ran through his mind before he grinned and decided to pay Shunsui a visit. The 8th division Captain was always up for some sake and even a little sparring if the mood suited him. He only hoped that he'd catch the other man when his ambiguously close friend Jyuushiro wasn't around. He could come out on top while going against a couple of weaker shinigami, but even he doubted his stamina and abilities against two captains in the game he was playing.