A/N: Yay! It's Canada Day!
(crickets chirp)
Okay, so maybe you don't care. But I decided to make a Canada Day fic - no romance, no drama, no angst. But there's going to be humour.
Mind you though, I'm not that good with humour, unless it's sarcastic humour or if I'm writing essays... So hate/flame away if you want.
And yes, I DID use the Avenue Q song.
Oh, and this fic will probably speak more to Canadians than anything :P
Disclaimer: I do not own the song, "Everyone's a Little Bit Racist" by Avenue Q, nor do I own Sonic the Hedgehog.
"Uh… are you sure this is a good idea, Sonic?"
Sonic grinned at Tails as he stepped out of the plane. "Sure, Tails. Taking a vacation in Canada is a great idea!"
Beside him, Knuckles snorted. "Canada, where they live in igloos and add "eh" to everything they say? Where all they eat is blubber and maple syrup for breakfast? Where the only jobs they have are as lumberjacks and fur-traders? Where the only thing for miles you can see is a frozen wasteland? I don't think so. I don't even know how you dragged me into this…"
Sonic shook his head. "Those are just stereotypes. Besides, Canada's a great country…"
A bullet whizzed by Knuckles as soon as he got off the plane.
"What the hell?" Knuckles yelled, falling back.
"Ugh… that was close," said Knuckles, getting up. "You know, that didn't hurt as much as I thought it would…"
"That's because you landed on us," groaned Tails, as Sonic pushed him off.
Knuckles sweat-dropped, getting off.
A man suddenly stopped by them. He cursed. "You let it get away, eh!" he screamed accusingly.
Knuckles glared right back at him. "You're the one who almost killed me! And why are you walking around with a gun anyway?"
The man shook his head. "I'm hunting, eh," he replied. Sonic felt Tails wrap his tails around his mouth, wrinkling his nose. The man smelled like beer and sweat. "I'm a fur-trader, eh," he continued. Those "ehs" that he added after every sentence was starting to get on Sonic's nerves a bit.
The man looked at him strangely. "I was chasing a beaver, eh, you know, eh?"
Tails uncovered his mouth, long enough to say, "You know, beavers aren't that hard to catch… they're pretty stupid."
Knuckles chuckled. "Yeah, they are. One time…"
He was cut off. "What, eh?" The man roared. "Beavers are the best animals that ever lived, eh!"
"Uh…" Tails backed away. "I-it was just an opini-"
"As long as you are here, you will love beavers!" The man screamed. "… Eh!" He added as an afterthought. "That includes all of you, eh!"
Sonic declined to add that if he loved beavers so much, why in all the seven hells was he hunting one in the first place?
The man must've read his thoughts, because he turned his unshaven, rough face towards him. The stench of beer and sweat engulfed him.
"I hunt beavers, eh?" he asked… replied? Sonic was having a hard time telling the difference with all those "ehs" added at the end. "I be a fur trader, eh."
Sonic could feel Knuckles shooting him a, "I-told-you-so" look.
"Erm… yeah… sure." It was probably not a good idea to get him mad again. "Could you point us to a hotel?"
The man looked confused. "Hoe-tell, eh?" he asked, as if he had never heard the word before. "No, but I can point you to an igloo, eh," he said, pointing one out for him. Sonic squinted. He hadn't realized how cold it was here. It was barren for the most part, but there were a few igloos here and there.
"Uh… do they have a pay phone?" Sonic asked. "We could use a taxi," he added.
The man roared with laughter. "What?" Sonic asked, confused.
The man just shook his head, and pushed them forward towards the igloo. "I need to go chase the beaver, eh."
The Sonic Team looked at each other for a moment. Sonic shrugged, before leading them forward.
Tails looked behind him, and saw the man staring and muttering something. The fox paled, before catching up with the guys.
"See, I told you that Canadians were just good-for-nothing trappers and foragers who huddle around the North Pole…"
"Oh, come of it, Knux," said Sonic, waving his comments away. "It was just one person. Besides, they probably have to have one or two…"
Knuckles growled. "Easy for you to say. Even the Ice Cap isn't as cold as this frozen hell…"
"Uh…" Tails interrupted their argument. "Guys, I think we should walk faster."
Knuckles turned around to face him, annoyed. "Oh, so you're on Sonic's side, huh?"
Tails shook his head hurriedly. "No, but that guy back there's looking at us."
Sonic smirked, before turning around and waving. "Probably 'cause we're so cool," he said. Then, he squinted. "Uh… what's he saying?"
Tails gulped. "He asking himself, eh, how much hedgehog, fox, and echidna fur can sell for, eh?"
"He wouldn't…" said Knuckles. But the man was starting to walk towards them. Really, really, really fast…
"Run!" screamed Tails.
"Sonic," panted Knuckles. They had run straight across the landscape of snow and ice, and were now panting beside the igloo. "How, pray tell, did you get me into this?"
Sonic was trying to remain positive. "Oh, come on. There's bound to be at least one nutcase everywhere we go, right? What about Eggman?"
"Eggman didn't want to sell our skins, Sonic!"
"Yeah… well…" Sonic struggled for a moment. "Let's just… go in!" He said.
Knuckles wrinkled his nose. "I don't want to go into an igloo…"
Sonic slapped him on the back. "Aw, c'mon, be adventurous!"
"But it'll be freezing!"
"Actually, according to my research, it's actually quite warm inside," Tails stated.
Knuckles stared at him. "It's warm inside a house made of snow, Tails? Isn't there something wrong with that picture?"
Tails paused. "Oh, just go in," he said, exasperated, pushing him inside.
Sonic entered last. "Hey, eh!" he heard someone shout. "Watch out for…"
Blam!
"Mr. Slippy…"
"Ugh… who?" asked Sonic, dazed as he peeled his face off the floor. He looked behind him, only to get slapped across the face repeatedly by something very slimy and very cold. His face ended up in the dirt… err, snow again.
"Orf!" He heard something clap it's hands happily. "Orf, orf!"
"Off, Mr. Slippy, eh!"
He felt a giant weight lift off him. He got up slowly, he head feeling like he had slammed it into a brick wall repeatedly… which he did a lot when Amy just wouldn't leave him alone.
"I'm sorry, eh?" Someone was brushing him off. "We don't get many visitors, so Mr. Slippy has taken into himself to trip any burglars that go through the door, eh?"
Sonic groaned. "Mr. Slippy" turned out to be a seal, which he swore was laughing at him. It's owner was a very fat, pudgy looking man with a mole right on his chin. There was single hair growing out of the mole, Sonic noted.
"Uh… why do you have a pet seal?" The hedgehog asked the man.
"Oh, we eat them, eh!"
Sonic saw Tails's eyes grow big. "Ha, ha, big guy," Sonic slapped the man jokingly on the back. "See Tails, he's just kidding…"
"Oh no, little peoples, we eat seal blubber, eh! Keeps us nice and warm for the winter!"
Tails was starting to turn green. "Err… yeah…" The blue hedgehog sweat dropped. "Listen, do you have a phone we can use?"
While Sonic was discussing this with the owner of the igloo, Knuckles was checking out the igloo. Not that there was much to check out, but there were some interesting books that had been left on the ground.
'Hmm…' Knuckles thought to himself. '"Eragon," "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince," "Your Guide to Making Poutine: 5th Edition," "Jellied Moose Nose: A Canadian Delicacy…" Knuckles could feel his stomach churning. "The A-Z's of Canadian Life…" Knuckles smirked, reaching for it…
"Ah, so you've found my book collection, eh?"
Knuckles jumped. "Uh… yeah… I was just admiring your book, "The A-Z's of Canadian Life."
The man blinked. "What, eh?"
"… The A-Z's of Canadian Life?"
The man looked at the book he was holding. "Oh, the correct pronunciation is the "A-Zed's of Canadian Life eh."
Knuckles blinked. "You mean "Zee," right?"
"No, no. "Zed," eh? "Zee" is the silly American pronunciation, eh."
Knuckles twitched. "Yeah, well I say "Zee," because "Zed" is the silly Canadian pronunciation."
The man growled. "The correct way is "Zed, eh."
The book had been long forgotten by now. "What, just because the Canadians are always right?"
The man scoffed, as if it was obvious. "But of course, eh!"
Knuckles scoffed right back. "You don't have the muscle to back it up!"
"That's because we believe in peace, eh."
"Peace? More like, Canadians are too scared to fight. And looking at their tiny little army, I'm not surprised."
"Well, people like you can't survive in our cold environment, eh? At least we don't think that -10 degrees Celsius is cold, eh? We're tough, eh?"
"Oh, that's right. Because we use Fahrenheit!"
"Fahrenheit! Now that's just stupid, eh? The weather isn't even about…"
"First off, stop using the word, "eh." It's annoying. Second off, it's not about, it aboot!"
"At least we don't go off to war every other day, eh! And no, I won't stop saying eh, and it is "about," eh!"
"Well, at least I'm not a beer-drinking hockey freak!"
"I'll show you freak, eh!"
"Hmm… Sonic, I never knew poutine was this good…"
"Me neither, Tails. I…"
The door to the igloo was opened. Sonic and Tails had walked out during some time – no one had noticed.
Suddenly, Sonic snickered. "Knuckles, what are you doing?"
The echidna growled, his fist raised. "Teaching this stupid Newfie not to mess with Americans."
"Err, Knuckles," said Tails nervously, as Sonic's sniggering grew louder. "First off, Newfies live in Newfoundland. Second off, we're not American. Lastly, the two of you are in a… err… rather compromising position…"
Knuckles looked down. Somehow, he was in a straddling position… on top of the man… whose name he didn't even know yet…
"Ack!" Knuckles leaped off, and Sonic's sniggering turned into full-blown laughter. "Sh-shut up!" shouted Knuckles at Sonic. Even Tails was chuckling a bit. "Shut up, or I'll…"
"You're friend here, eh," said the man. "Was being extremely racist to my country.
"Well, weren't you?" retorted Knuckles.
"Ah, Knux my man," said Sonic, putting an arm around him.
"You're a little bit racist," he said.
"Well, you're a little bit too!" replied the red echidna.
"I guess we're both a little bit racist," Sonic admitted.
"Admitting it is not an easy thing to do," Knuckles added.
"But I guess it true," Sonic added.
Knuckles pulled him a little closer. "Between me and you, I think…"
Sonic joined in.
"Everyone's a little bit racist
Sometimes.
Doesn't mean we go
Around committing hate crimes.
Look around and you will find
No one's really color blind.
Maybe it's a fact
We all should face
Everyone makes judgments
Based on race."
"Not big judgments, like whom to hire, or who to buy poutine from," said Sonic, shaking his head.
"Nope!" agreed Knuckles.
"Nah, just little judgments, like thinking Canadians should start speaking some goddamn American English – the right English!"
"Right!"
The both smiled, and nodded.
"Everyone's a little bit racist
Today.
So, everyone's a little bit racist
Okay!
Ethnic jokes might be uncouth,
But you laugh because
They're based on truth.
Don't take them as
Personal attacks.
Everyone enjoys them -
So relax!"
Sonic laughed. "Okay, stop me if you've heard this one, alright?"
Knuckles nodded. "Alright."
"So there's an American ship, right? They're traveling along, when they meet up with what they thought was a Canadian ship, and they told them to move it, to avoid a collision. But it turns out…"
"The Canadian ship was really a lighthouse!"
"Are you making fun of Americans, eh?" asked the man, now thoroughly confused.
"Well, yeah… don't you ever make racist jokes?" asked Knuckles.
"No!" said the man, defensively. "Canadian believe in harmony between the races, eh!"
"But you make French jokes, right?" asked Sonic.
The man laughed. "Ha! Of course, eh! Those stupid Frenchies, eh!"
"Well… don't you think that's a little bit racist?"
The man paused. "Well, damn, I guess you're right, eh!"
"You're a little bit racist!" pointed out Knuckles.
"Well you're a little bit too!" said the man.
"We're all a little bit racist!" declared Sonic.
"I think that I would have to
agree with you!" The man nodded.
"We're glad you do!" Knuckles and Sonic replied.
"It's sad but true
Everyone's a little bit racist,
Alright?" asked the man.
"Alright!" agreed Knuckles.
"Alright!" agreed Sonic.
"Alright!
Bigotry has never been
Exclusively white!"
They all agreed.
"If we all could just admit
That we are racist a little bit,
Even though we all know
That it's wrong,
Maybe it would help us
Get along."
Sonic threw up his hands. "Christ, do I feel good!"
The man nodded. "Now there was a fine Canadian, eh?"
A pause. "Who?" asked Knuckles.
"Jesus Christ, eh?"
"Uh… Jesus was American."
"No, eh. Jesus was Canadian."
"I'm pretty sure Jesus was American!"
"Guys!" Sonic cut in. "Isn't it obvious? Jesus… was Jew."
The burst out into laughter, while Tails sighed. "I can't believe you're laughing about this…"
"Aww, come off it, Tails!" Knuckles was in good spirits.
"Everyone's a little bit racist…"
"I'm not!" Tails defended.
"You're not?" asked Knuckles teasingly.
"No!"
"Ha!" Knuckles laughed.
"How many oriental wives
have you got?" Tails asked, smirking as he pointed at the man.
"What?" he asked, offended.
Sonic wrapped an arm around the fox.
"Tails, buddy, where've you been?
The term is, "Asian-American!"
The man scoffed.
"I know you are no
Intending to be
But calling me Oriental -
Offensive to me!"
"B-but," Tails stuttered, "A million years ago, native crossed the Bering Strait and into North America…"
"That was a million years ago," said the man, his mole quivering in indignation.
"Well… you're racist too!" said Tails.
The man smiled, revealing uneven teeth. "Yes, I know eh?"
"The Jews have all
The money
And the whites have all
The power.
And I'm always in taxi-cab
With driver who no shower!"
"Me too!" shouted Sonic.
"Me too!" shouted Tails.
"I can't even afford a taxi!" screamed Knuckles.
"Everyone's a little bit racist
It's true.
But everyone is just about
As racist as you!
If we all could just admit
That we are racist a little bit,
And everyone stopped being
So PC
Maybe we could live in -
Harmony!"
"Everyone's a little bit racist, eh?"
A/N: Okay, before a million people come to me and scream, "ZOMG, YOU'RE RACIST TO CANADIANS!!" I just want to point out that I myself, am Canadian. Yes, I add the extra "u" in colour, and labour, and all those other words. I say "zed," not "zee," and Prime Ministers are better than Presidents!! I just did this for fun, to poke at those Canadian stereotypes that we're always plagued with. No, seriously. I went to China, and they could tell I was Canadian, right? So you know what someone did? Some 10 year old kid came up to me and is all like, "Do you live in an igloo?" Geez, what the heck?
BTW, I DID check the guidelines, and it says, "Copying from a previously published work (including musical lyrics) not in the public domain," is not allowed, but the lyrics ARE in the public domain. Uhm... I could be wrong though... hope not. I'm really not looking for loopholes, but this is what it kinda meant to me... so yeah...
Oh, and just to clear up some things:
We DO NOT live in igloos.
We DO NOT own pet seals.
We DO NOT live off of blubber. Maybe it does taste good, but I've never tasted any in my life before.
We DO NOT earn our living as lumberjacks and fur traders. Maybe some of us do.
We DO NOT add "ehs" to every single freaking one of our sentences, eh?
Happy Canada Day!
azngirlchibi