Tricks of the Trade

Chapter Three

A/N: Yeah, it's been a loooong time coming, but its here and it will not be abandoned in the future.

Enjoy XD

Six Hours Earlier

Umino Iruka woke up that morning an immensely satisfied man. The reason for his satisfaction was quite obvious and snuggled right beside him.

Or rather it should have been.

Iruka opened his eyes and yawned, simultaneously reaching out his arms to ensnare his lover around the waist for his wake-up cuddle. He blinked sleepily, fumbling in the empty space on the bed where Kakashi was supposed to be lying. His arms slowed as his brain kindly informed the Chuunin that something was clearly missing.

"Kakashi…?"

No reply.

He blinked again, grumbling unhappily as he buried his head into his pillow.

Kakashi was not in bed. Kakashi was not in bed with Iruka. Moreover, if Kakashi was not in bed with Iruka it meant Kakashi was forcing his lover to relinquish his wake-up snuggle.

The bastard!

Iruka rolled over his back, glaring at the ceiling. One second was all it took to tell him that Kakashi was indeed gone; only faint traces of his chakra remained in the apartment. Too faint to be recent, so the jounin had left some hours ago, Iruka surmised quickly.

The scar across his nose wrinkled in a petulant frown.

There was something niggling in the back of his mind. He had the strangest feeling that he had forgotten something very important, but that his wild antics last night –courtesy of and instigated by his lover, Hatake Kakashi– had wiped whatever it was from his memory.

Iruka also had the slightest suspicion that Kakashi had seduced him with precisely that purpose in mind. It was exactly the kind of thing his lover would do, forcing his tardy habits on a schoolteacher.

And speaking of school…

"Oh hell," he muttered, sitting up quickly and gazing blearily at the clock. If he didn't get up now, he would be late for class and have to suffer the snide remarks of the other teachers who knew exactly what the source of his tardiness was as of late, and the students cheeky enough to point out any suspicious looking bruises. Which Konohamaru would not be able to resist for sure.

As he threw on random articles of clothing while balancing a piece of toast in one hand and a mug of coffee in the other, he wondered if it was too much to hope that Kakashi would manage to be on time to meet with his three genins, wherever he had gone. It probably would be asking too much from the jounin.

Iruka sighed, knowing that his lunch hour would be spent listening to Naruto bitch about Kakashi being late while the latter sat in the corner eating Iruka's obento and nodding sagely every time his name cropped up. Then of course Naruto would complain that he wasn't getting any lunch and proceed to demand a share of Iruka's, which inevitably led to a fight since Kakashi was not prepared to share anything that had to with Iruka, even his lunch.

It was annoying, namely because certain other shinobi were too 'busy' reading porn or becoming the next Hokage to help clean up after the inevitable fight, but Iruka dealt with it. Kakashi would get that softened look in his eye whenever he teased one of his students –which never failed to make Iruka broody– and Naruto was adorable when he sulked.

And speaking of Naruto…

Iruka froze, the toast still dangling from his mouth and the mug slipped from his fingers, rolling onto the kitchen table and spilling coffee everywhere.

Oh.

Naruto.

Naruto.

Naruto was… Naruto was…

"Gay!"

Present Time

Uchiha Sasuke was a shinobi. Thus, as a shinobi, and a reasonably experienced one at that, he had seen and dealt with all kinds of strange and unnatural phenomenon. You name it; Uchiha Sasuke had probably seen and done it, with the t-shirt to prove it.

But the crucial point was that Sasuke expected most of what ever came his way. It came with the job description you see, so he had been fully aware from the start that freaky shit would come his way whether he liked it or not.

He was not aware, however, that freaky shit included a member of the Akatsuki pitching up at his door for the sole purpose of bringing him flowers.

No, there had to be a mistake. There was no way this man could be a member of one of the most feared organizations on the planet. The signature cloak had to be a fake. It was impossible to think that the group which recruited the most dangerous shinobi in existence, including the Uchiha Itachi, had also recruited a shinobi with an aura about as menacing as a cupcake.

Sasuke regarded the tall man more suspiciously, convinced this was a ploy – and the only culprit he could think of was Orochimaru. The Akatsuki wouldn't move against him. They had no reason to, not when they wanted Junchuriki.

His fingers twitched. In terms of defence, Sasuke had a kunai in his boxers, and he was pretty sure there was a stack of shuriken hidden behind his umbrella. Coupled with his Sharingan, it should be enough to drive this moron off if he tried anything funny.

Tobi, in the meanwhile, had started shuffling nervously under the threatening gaze. It was quite presumptuous to turn up uninvited on someone's doorstep, it was downright rude, and he shuddered at the implications that imposed on his 'good boy' image. Nevertheless, he was a man on a mission, a mission where failure was not an option, and he bravely thrust the flowers out again.

"Congratulations, Sasuke!" he repeated, trying to inject all the enthusiasm he could muster into his voice.

Sasuke jerked out of reach of the long fingers, and stared at him warily. Inwardly, his brain was working overtime trying to figure out how this guy could possibly be a threat. Orochimaru was officially out of his mind. All the Viagra that Sasuke had seen the Sannin surreptitiously stuffing down his throat must have finally taken its toll.

"Goddammit," he muttered under his breath, rubbing his temple. "I told him not to pull any crap like this."

"Um… I hope I'm not intruding, but… um… Tobi brought you flowers!"

"Yeah," the younger Uchiha said dryly. "I can see that, er, Tobi."

Tobi beamed, forcing the bouquet into his stiff arms.

Was this even worth panicking for? This Tobi was clearly nuts, and would probably run off screaming if Sasuke as much poked him with his little finger.

Sasuke handled the flowers awkwardly, a nerve beginning to pulse erratically under his eye. "Listen," he said abruptly. "You can tell Orochimaru the answer's still no. I'm not going back to Sound to him. And if he doesn't stop sending me nude pictures of himself, I'm going to–"

"You mean Orochimaru-san won't be invited to the wedding?" Tobi interrupted, sounding crestfallen.

"No," Sasuke said, slowly and empathetically. "Orochimaru will not be coming to the wedding. Orochimaru can go rot in hell – wait, what did you say?"

"Your wedding," Tobi chirped. "Orochimaru-san will be invited, right? I think it's only polite that you invite someone who's had such an influence on your life," he finished, nodding knowingly.

'Influence' wasn't exactly how Sasuke would describe Orochimaru's effect on his life.

Molestation, probably, paedophilia, even better still. Hah, cursed seal his ass. The man had left a hickey on his neck when he was twelve-years old. The man wanted his body and openly told everyone about his plans. But he digressed. That wasn't the point. The point was that Tobi seemed to think he was somehow involved in a wedding.

His wedding of all things.

"My wedding? Who the hell am I getting married to? Oh god, if Sakura or Ino have been spreading rumours again, I swear I'll–"

Tobi made a tsk-tsk noise and bent down slightly to waggle his finger in front of the shell-shocked boy. "Sasuke-kun, how could you have forgotten such an important detail? Your wedding will be one of the most important days of you life, the beginning of your life, one that you and your husband will always be able to go back and remember while you sit rocking on a porch in the retirement village…gah!"

Sasuke had yanked on the front of his cloak to bring him down to eye-level. "What do you mean my husband?" he demanded frostily. "I'm not gay!"

"B-But your fiancé," the man squeaked. "Naruto-kun is a boy. He can't be your wife!"

"N-Naruto? As in Uzumaki Naruto?"

Tobi nodded vigorously, hoping that Sasuke would loosen his grip and stop crushing his trachea. Unfortunately, the teenager had no intention of it.

"What the fuck– you think I'm going to marry Naruto? You think that the biggest fucking idiot this side of the galaxy is going to be my wife?"

"Sasuke, that's not a very nice way to talk about your future husband–"

"Wife!" the Uchiha snapped without thinking.

"Okay, wife," Tobi gasped, clutching his throat. "C-Can you let go now, please? I think I just heard something crack…"

Sasuke baulked but continued to throttle the poor masked nin. "No, no! Naruto is not going to be my wife–" he refused to say the word 'husband' "–or get married to me! I'm the heir of the Uchiha clan, I have to marry a woman and have babies, dammit!"

"But you're in love with Naruto-kun!"

Sasuke's grip tightened.

"Everyone says so!"

Sasuke let out a wordless snarl.

Tobi scrabbled helplessly at the hands encircling his throat. "B-But Sasuke-kun," he choked out. "Even Itachi-san came to congratulate you! T-That's why we came to Konoha!"

At the sound of his brother's name, the younger Uchiha froze, and his grip slackened. Tobi fell onto his knees, massaging his bruised throat gratefully.

"Thank you, Sas– ack!"

Sasuke had grabbed him again. "You said Itachi was in Konoha," he snarled, hauling Tobi up until their faces were only an inch apart. "Is he after Naruto? Tell me!"

Even though he was slowly and progressively being strangled, Tobi still managed to beam.

"Are you getting jealous? That is so cute! But you don't have to worry, I'm sure Itachi-san would never steal Naruto away from you. I know, he did say he was only coming to kill you, but he'll probably pop around to say congratulations after he says hello to Naruto-kun…"

The younger boy paled, yet a small part of him still marvelled at the sheer stupidity being exhibited by this so-called Akatsuki member.

"Where did he go?" he snarled again.

"I don't know," Tobi squeaked. "But if you want to know, do what Kisame-san always does to find Itachi."

"And what's that?"

"Listen for any screams and head in that direction," the masked nin supplied helpfully. "It never fails."

Naruto was running. He was running faster than he had ever run in his life, fast enough to outrun the most fit and limber of jounins. Sweat was dripping into the collar of his shirt, leaving his face bright pink and eyes stinging. And the screaming, oh god, the screaming echoing in his ears…

"Naruto-kun, come back!"

Neji was running after him, silky hair whipping artfully behind him as he leaped gracefully over the people who happened who happened to be in the way. Gaara followed, calmly blasting those same people out of his way, looking, as most now deceased shinobi could probably tell you, extremely pissed.

"Why are you running from destiny?" came the anguished voice from behind him.

Naruto flung a panicked look over his shoulder, barely holding back a whimper. Not far behind Neji and Gaara were hoards of women — and ordinarily, Naruto would have been quite chuffed at being chased by this many women. However, these were no ordinary females. They were fangirls. A legion of enraged ninja fangirls, each capable of inflicting mass destruction and unbearable agony all in the name of their beloved Sasuke.

No. No, he could not allow himself to end at the hands of fangirls. Especially fangirls dedicated to that bastard. He was going to be Hokage, dammit! He would not allow his dream to be crushed by such a pathetic enemy!

"Naruto, tell me why!" Neji's stricken voice came again, steadily rising in pitch as his inner torment levels soared. "Tell me why you're leaving me behind! I can't stand it! I need you! Come baaaack!"

And then there was Neji. Neji, who had once wanted (and tried) to beat him into the ground, now wanted to beat his ass instead. Literally. Not that Gaara was any better. While he may not have been bellowing how lonely and lovesick he was, Naruto swore that his turquoise eyes were darkened with — not violence, not anger or frustration but lust. Pure, unadulterated lust. For him.

Naruto took the chance to wheeze in a gasping breath, pumping his arms and legs harder. Running away while Neji and Gaara beat each other to a pulp had seemed like a good idea at the time. Hiding behind a tree certainly wasn't going to protect him from those two. Naruto was good, but he wasn't that good. In any event, it had been a good plan until the two love rivals decided that they'd much rather chase him and fight it out along the way, much to the dismay of Konoha's residents.

"Ah, to see such a fine display of youthful passion! Truly, my heart is overflowing with joy at seeing such splendour!"

Naruto's eyes lit up. "Gai-sensei!" he cried in relief.

The jounin beamed at being greeted with such enthusiasm – one could only get so much out of being greeted by Neji's dour face every day and he didn't seem to mind that Naruto's 'enthusiasm' was as a consequence of running for his life and his virginity. Gai looked at the approaching cloud of destruction, oblivious to the overpowering haze of hatred and lust, and then down at the desperate boy clinging to his waist.

"Please," the boy pleaded, clutching a handful of luminous spandex in one fist. "You have to make them stop. I can't take it anymore. I'm gonna die if they don't stop!"

"Nonsense," the older shinobi replied amiably. "Lee told me everything. There's nothing like indulging in the sports of love to get the blood flowing!"

"No, no, no, you don't understand–"

"And Neji, my boy. Such a noble pursuit! Ah, and even the youth of Suna cannot resist the allure of springtime!" Gai winked at Naruto, mistaking the boy's look of revulsion for helpless passion.

Fighting the bile threatening to burst out of his throat, Naruto turned his horrified gaze to meet Neji's stricken eyes, and Gaara's lust-filled ones. He whimpered pathetically and scampered behind the jounin's back. Gai only chuckled indulgently, grasping Naruto firmly by his jacket and hauling him back around. Naruto dangled helplessly in Gai's grip, too exhausted to fight back.

Oh, shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit…what am I going to do now? No, what can I do? Naruto fretted, twitching in agitation. Gai-sensei's not gonna save me, he's giving them advice on how to catch me!

His eyes flicked to the growing crowd of women clamouring for his blood. They huddled in a mass at a distance from where Gaara and Neji were making their stand, muttering amongst themselves and glaring daggers at the poor boy. Each poisonous stare seemed to penetrate his skin and he cringed. The bonus was that none of the women would dare to lay a finger on him while two psychotic teenagers were openly proclaiming their love for him.

And Maito Gai, elite jounin of Konoha and the self-proclaimed rival of Hatake Kakashi, was proving once again to be utterly useless.

"…no way to conduct proper courtship. Your beloved must feel your passion, not run from it. Poor Naruto is overwhelmed, you need to nurture him like a delicate flower – the flames of romance must be allowed to grow before they can ignite! Let Naruto see that passion smoulder in your eyes, before you pursue him with your youthful energy!"

Naruto began to cry silently while Neji stood with a stoic look on his face, having heard this exaggerated and useless speech a thousand times before. Gaara, however, nodded thoughtfully as he listened to the older man's romantic counsel. The art of romance wasn't exactly a topic in Suna's shinobi syllabus and as Kazekage, it was his duty to gain knowledge of techniques that would benefit his village. Yes, Gaara's sex-life was beneficial to Suna: a sexually-deprived and frustrated Kazekage was lethal to the villagers; they remembered the destruction puberty had brought upon them.

"But what if," the redhead said slowly, "Naruto doesn't want to acknowledge the passion in my eyes? What if–" and an ugly look was pointed at Neji, "– I have a rival in my affections?"

White teeth flashed. "A rival in love! There is no worthier opponent!"

Gaara's frown deepened. "I don't want a rival in love," he declared flatly. "Just Naruto."

"But… but there must be a rival! Without a rival in the stormy game of love… there is no passion, no thrill of the pursuit!"

"I don't think," Gaara said slowly, "that passion will be a problem for Naruto and I. Even without this rival."

Naruto wilted as the red-haired boy favoured him with a predatory smile. He contemplated trying to smother himself in luminous green spandex but the thought of getting that close to Gai's body made being manhandled by Gaara and Neji sound appealing.

"No, no, no! Without the thrill of competing for your beloved's affections, how can the flames of passion stir into being? How can you prove that your love is worthy if there is no rival?"

A moment of silence allowed Maito Guy to mistakenly belief that his words had a profound impact on his young audience. Neji, having learned to tune out his teacher's 'advice', stood with a longing expression contorting his feminine features. Naruto shuddered as the Hyuuga persisted in throwing sultry winks in Naruto's direction and flicking his long hair over one shoulder in what was clearly mean to be a provocative gesture.

It took Gaara a moment to process the so-called 'life lesson'.

"But I have two rivals," Gaara pointed out, brow furrowed. "Hyuuga and Uchiha."

"The more rivals, the more passionate the hunt!"

Neji sighed.

"But if there are no rivals, Naruto will not be distracted. His attentions are free to focus on me."

"Yes, but–"

"Your theory is flawed," Gaara said flatly. "These rivals are getting in the way of my relationship with Naruto, therefore they must be eliminated. I see no other solution."

Flustered, Gai could only bluster, "My boy, I don't think you understand. The game of love, she requires the struggles of passion, she needs–"

"–only Naruto and I. No one else." He turned to Neji, giving the older boy a cold look. "Leaving no place for you, Hyuuga."

"I thought we agreed to get rid of Uchiha together," Neji said, annoyance carving a line on his forehead.

"Plans change."

"I'm not going to just stand here and let you steal him from me, Sabaku."

"No," Gaara agreed, swinging the heavy gourd from his back to rest at his feet. "I didn't think you would. But with you gone, Hyuuga, there's one less rival to interrupt my relationship with Naruto."

"Now, see here, boys," Gai blustered, sensing the obscene levels of chakra being raised in the middle of his village.

"Sensei, this is a competition between rivals of love. You wouldn't stand in the way of a contest of passion, would you?"

The jounin gave his student a helpless look, beginning to realise the flames of adolescent hormone-driven fury he had fanned into being. "Then if you boys feel you must release your passions, why not take it out of the village?" he suggested. "That way–"

"That way the old hag might be able to salvage something out of the rubble after you beat the crap out of each other," Naruto mumbled, receiving an apprehensive glance from Gai, who was beginning to realise that Naruto's 'paranoia' wasn't playing hard to get, but really running for his life.

"Naruto," he said in a loud whisper, "I think we should run."

"No. Really?"

"Yes. I think we should run very fast and very far away."

"Sensei, we're standing right here. We can hear every word you're saying," Neji reminded his teacher politely.

"Of course," Gai said lamely. "I knew that."

"Then. Start. Running!" Naruto hissed.

ZOOM!

Neji blinked as a blast of energy whipped past him and the green blur shot down the street. His fragile heart pinched inside his chest cavity at the thought that his beloved was being taken from him by his teacher, and he let out a loud wail.

"NARUTO-KUN! WAIT FOR MEEEEEEE!"

The Hyuuga prodigy bolted, leaving Gaara to stare after him. With his severely delayed reaction time, it took the Suna youth a full minute to realise that his prey (Neji or Naruto, take your pick) was getting away.

"Oh bother," he sighed, hefting the heavy gourd onto his back. He bent his knees, preparing for the fast-paced sprint that ninjas had perfected, but in that instant something brushed against the back of the head. He blinked, turning to see a picture fluttering to the ground. Curious, Gaara bent to pick it up.

It was a picture of Uchiha Sasuke. In his underwear. Half-naked.

Gaara suddenly became aware of extreme, murderous danger and he raised his head. He was surrounded by the mob of fangirls. Fangirls whose gazes were all fixed on the picture.

The world erupted into high-pitched squeals of joy.

"OMG, SASUKE-KUN!"

A thousand swooning fangirls slammed into Gaara. Unable to fight back, he slipped into oblivion as the he was swallowed into the swirling maelstrom of bishonen desire.

Naruto needed a plan.

He had a plan, but it sucked. Badly. Not that anyone should be surprised by that.

He reasoned (and by this we mean grasped at the first thought that bothered to show up in his head) that since Gai was proving to be very dangerous he had to convince Gai to let him go. And since the jounin was now intent on 'saving' Naruto, it would take a masterful stroke to do that.

So he had to persuade Gai, and appealing to his ridiculous sense of romanticism was the only way to do it.

"Gai-sensei," he began as they streaked through the streets of Konoha. "You heard about all this from Lee, right?"

"Yes, my faithful student relayed every detail of your youthful escapades to me as soon as he heard. The information was even verified by the ANBU! I never realised that Lee had such superb information gathering skills!" Tears of pride glowed in his eyes and he jogged with an extra spring in his step.

The ANBU had heard the rumours? The ANBU had confirmed the rumours? Even if it was their business to about everything that happened in the village, this was going too far. Moreover, if the ANBU endorsed any intelligence gathered in the village, it was presented in a report to the Hokage. Which meant that even the old hag Tsunade knew about his supposed love for Sasuke!

"Then you heard about–" Naruto swallowed, squeezing the bitter words out of his mouth. "You heard about Sasuke. That I'm… I'm in l-love with Sasuke."

"Of course. The entire village has never been happier to hear the tale of your passionate affair with Sasuke-kun. Because between you and me, Naruto-kun," and Gai bent closer to his ear to whisper, "Sasuke-kun is far too uptight. A heated, youthful love is exactly what that boy needs!"

Control yourself, Uzumaki. Just breathe.

1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10… and exhale.

"T-Then, Gai-sensei," he continued, strain cracking his voice. "Why are you…" Spit it out, Uzumaki! "Why are you standing in the way of true love? I'm- I'm missing the springtime of my youth here because you're keeping me here away from Sasuke! You hear me? I… I want S-Sasuke!"

My god, Naruto thought. How low have I sunk?

"Tsunade-saaaama!"

Shizuna tore down the corridor, flinging herself around the corner at break-neck speed.

"Out—" she gasped, frantically waving her arms at the people directly in her path. "Out of my way— please, for the love of god!"

Amidst raised brows and surprised yelps, Shizuna hurtled forward, leaving a trail of gaping shinobi and a flurry of loose documents. The normally composed and sweet-natured kunoichi's mind was in such disarray that she didn't even realise the commotion she was causing. Well, whatever happened in the Hokage's tower was nothing compared to the chaotic forces wreaking havoc in the streets of Konoha. It was the worst disaster since Orochimaru's attack, no, it had the potential to be more devastating.

"Tsunade-sama!" she screeched again, throwing herself against the door to the Hokage's office and bursting through. Shizuna clung to the doorframe, panting and gasping desperately to catch her breath.

"Tsunade-sama!" she cried in relief, tears gathering in her eyes when she saw the familiar blonde head seated behind the desk. "It's… an emergency! You have to come quick before the entire village is destroyed!"

"Wass wrong —hic— Shizuna? Wass got your panties in such a —hic— twisht?"

Shizuna blinked and she stepped further into the room, dread and suspicion beginning to creep upon her. "Tsunade-sama…" she began falteringly before the kunoichi stopped, aghast as a familiar whiff crawled up her nose. "Have you been drinking?"

Tsunade, the esteemed Hokage and protector of the Hidden Leaf, was slumped in her chair, legs sprawled over the expensive woodwork of her desk, cheeks flushed with twin spots of colour.

She was, without a doubt, roaring drunk at three o'clock in the afternoon. Again. For the second time that week. And it was only Tuesday.

"No better time than now," she hiccupped, grinning broadly. "Ne, Shizuna, come have a drink with me."

"How can you drink your way through a crisis?" Shizuna cried, tearing at her hair. "Konoha is being ripped apart while you're just sitting there! You're the Hokage! Do something!"

Tsunade waved a hand nonchalantly, the bottle in her hand tipping dangerously. "Relax, relax, I haven't had this much fun in ages —whoopsie!"

Shizuna held her face in her hands as the older blonde, now giggling, dived after the bottle of sake. "Oh no," she moaned. "Konoha's being attacked internally and you're drinking. I knew this going to happen eventually. I knew it. That's why I took the alcohol you had hidden in your desk and—" she paused, eyes widening in sudden realisation.

"Tsunade-sama," she said slowly, "where did all this alcohol come from?"

The Godaime just shrugged whimsically, taking another swig of sake. "'s magic."

"No, no, you got it from somewhere…" the kunoichi peered into the filing cabinets and lifted Tsunade's limp legs to look under the desk. Upon finding nothing but empty bottles, she straightened and bit her lip.

That left only the vault. The vault where Tsunade kept her most personal documents locked away from prying eyes.

Shizuna swallowed, throat tightening with trepidation. With shaking hands, she formed the series of seals known only to her and Tsunade that would unlock the vault secreted in the Hokage's tower. She placed the palm of one hand on the door and the formed seal gleamed, acknowledging her presence and swinging open.

The shelves, previously stocked with important and rare documents and scrolls, were now filled with bottle upon bottle of sake. And not cheap alcohol, oh no. It was expensive, Shizune recognised the quality and brand on sight.

Oh god, just looking at the stacks of bottles made her feel woozy. To make matters worse, the empty bottles tossed in the vault in addition to the ones behind Tsunade's desk made it patently obvious why the Hokage was, in a word, completely smashed. "Where did you get the money to buy this much alcohol?" she cried, utterly horrified. "You couldn't have… you couldn't have used money from the treasury to buy all of this!"

The Godaime smiled drunkenly, raising her bottle in a toast and tipping another helping of sake into her cup. "Ish a secret," she declared stubbornly. "I promished I wouldn't tell anyone 'bout him. He made me shwear. Besides, this ish just a little lover's spat, nothin' to worry about. Naruto's doin' jush fine…"

Shizuna blanched. "But… but Uchiha Itachi was spotted within Konoha! We have to sound the alert! We have to evacuate all the children and civilians! You must give the order and gather every jounin to capture him! Naruto's life is in danger!"

"No worries, its jush a lover's spat!"

Eyes livid, Shizuna marched over to the window and jabbed her finger at the spirals of grey smoke rising from the village. "You call that a lover's spat? The village is being destroyed!"

Tsunade blinked blearily at the sharp increase of pitch in her protégé's voice, and tipped forward in her chair to get a better look.

"So… wass' your point?"

Despair. The endless void of despair was spiralling, ensnaring him in its dark embrace once more. He could hear the taunt rising from the endless abyss, and the voice of his brother slid through him like the blades of a thousand kunai.

Foolish little brother… You wish to take revenge? Then hate me, live in an unsightly manner…

Sasuke despaired, clutching the darkness to him with the practiced air of one who had been drowned in angst from the age of six. Having had years of perfecting the art of teenage angst, the Uchiha drew on all the dark skills at his disposal and engulfed himself in black misery. He was completely justified to do so based on the intelligence he had gathered thus far:

The entire village thought he was in love with Naruto.

His brother, the man who had murdered the entire Uchiha clan in one night, was probably in love with Naruto.

And that said psychotic brother was here, in Konoha, presumably because he had heard such rumours.

Sasuke, adrift in a sea of melancholy and suffering, was aware that he was in great danger. In fact, he was royally screwed and his despair deepened to the very depths of his tortured soul.

The man beside him was growing steadily alarmed at the ominous cloud continuously expanding over the boy's head. Tobi had witnessed bouts of melancholy before –most of the Akatsuki were partial to them every once in a while– but never this kind of angst. Worry began to gnaw at his stomach. That cloud looked awfully unnatural and terribly dangerous. He could just imagine how upset Itachi-san would be if something horrible happened to his baby brother.

"Sasuke-kun…" he ventured timidly, "are you all right?"

The only response was a low tortured moan from beneath the cloud of angst. Anxiously, Tobi poked a finger at the cloud. His finger didn't even make a dent in the stiff mass. Curiosity sparked and he poked harder until the mass gave way and a neat, finger-sized hole appeared in the cloud. Tobi let out a low 'ooh' of surprise and poked again, this time dislodging a puff of cloud. It drifted up on a slight breeze, as lonely and tragic figure as its young creator. Tobi giggled and batted it with his hand, watching it bounce away from him

"Cut that out, moron!"

"But, Sasuke-kun, I'm bored…."

Sasuke scowled, the other man's whine grinding at the edges of his frayed nerves.

"…and I'm tired and hungry. Itachi-san must be worried about me by now, and he's probably worried sick about you by now…"

"I doubt that." The Uchiha heir shifted under the cloud, pulling the shadows more snugly around his shoulders as he brooded his dilemma. Obviously the only solution was to kill Itachi. He had been planning it for years. Surely by now he knew how he was going to do it. He certainly had no idea how he was going to quell the rumours. Rumours were monstrous beasts far beyond his capability to destroy.

"Sasuke-kun, are you sure that cloud is… healthy? Your skin is looking awfully pale."

"It always looks pale," he muttered defensively. "It's my natural colour, idiot."

"Oh." Tobi swung his legs over the edge of the roof, surveying the village. If you ignored the screams and smoke, it was a rather lovely place. He hummed cheerfully to himself for a few minutes until Sasuke got to his feet.

"Where are we going now?"

"I'm going to kill Itachi."

"That's… not very nice, Sasuke-kun."

"Yeah… look, I don't care."

Pursing his lips doubtfully, Tobi followed Sasuke over the rooftops. Once they had gone, Iruka stepped out from his hiding place where he had been dampening his chakra to avoid detection. Oh my, he thought anxiously. This entire mess was worse than he thought. He stared out at the smoking village, wincing at the screams of terror. Concern for his students knotted his gut: not only was Sasuke off on a suicide mission, he was being held hostage by a member of the Akatsuki, and Iruka knew Naruto was also in danger – the boy was the main character, how could he not be in trouble?

When Iruka found Kakashi and sorted out this mess, the copy nin was going to be banished to the couch for a year.

And somewhere in the eastern expanse of the village, Kakashi sneezed.

"I hope you're not coming down with a cold, sensei."

He smiled genially at Sakura, dissipating some of her concern.

"Of course not. Now, should we get back to business?"

Sakura sighed, forehead crinkled with trepidation. "Kakashi-sensei, I don't think this is such a good idea any more–"

"Nonsense," he interrupted. "This plan is foolproof."

"If you say so…"

She watched her sensei prepare the traps, noting the way his eye gleamed with purpose, and she shivered.

Oh, yeah. They were doomed.

To be continued