Summary: Many hopeful applicants to sixth year studies at Hogwarts find themselves rejected.
A/N: This idea occurred to me before the release of HBP so those events have not been considered in the writing of this fic.
The clock had long ago struck midnight, but there was no rest for Professor McGonagall tonight as she sat at her desk sifting through thousands of transfer applications. She'd never understand what had possessed the board of governors to open Hogwarts to exchange students, but they had and here she sat doing all the work.
Albus, of course, was nowhere in sight, having pleaded a rather convenient case of Ministry business. Well, McGonagall thought, at least one of them was having fun. She'd find a way to get him back, however. She always did.
Deciding she had procrastinated long enough, McGonagall bravely reached for the first letter.
Request for Exchange at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Name: Sharon, Mandi and Kat!
Age: 13!!!11
Location: Smalltown, USA. Woot!
Biography (Please describe yourself in 250 words or less).
Hi! I'm sharon and my 2 bfs R Mandi and Kat and we luv harry porter!!!1 last night we got high on sugar and thought we'd go tto hogwars. isn't that cooL!1 :) well, about me... um... I lik boys and seeing my freinds at school and i h8 math. math is 4 lusers anyways. i'm writting this in math class now.
What is your current level of magical experience?
Um... I'm in 8th gr.
Please explain in the space provided below why you would like to attend Hogwarts?
b/c it would be soooo cool!!! i've red all of harri's books and seen his movies and he is like sooo hawt!!!1 ;) and mandi liks Fred and George and kat likes drakie so if we went to Hogwarts we could triple date and then have a triple wedding and it would b uber cool! And you could put us all in the same house b/c slitherin is stinky and Snap's a big meanie. >
okthxbai
Sharon Mandi and Kat
bff
Putting down the paper, McGonagall rubbed the bridge of her nose. She felt a headache coming on. Sharpening her quill, she took out a fresh sheet of paper and began drafting a reply.
Ms. Sharon (Mandi and Kat),
It is my duty to inform you that your transfer request for sixth year studies at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry has been rejected. It is highly recommended that you acquire some maturity and a passing grade in remedial English before transferring to high school let alone a foreign exchange program. Furthermore it is also suggested that you and your friends seek immediate counseling and detoxification for your obvious sugar dependence.
> Sincerly,
P.S. Fred and George Weasley are not a single entity. They are individuals and should be treated as such.
Minerva McGonagall
Deputy Headmistress
Folding the letter neatly and placing it in the "Out" bin, McGonagall then began a second letter - this one addressed to the Ministry of Magic's Department of Muggle Affairs. It seems that someone had been leaking information about the wizarding world to the Muggles in the form of movies and books.
Having dealt with the matter to her satisfaction, McGonagall then braced herself and moved on the next letter.
Name: Harriet Potter
Age: 16
Location: Classified
Biography (Please describe yourself in 250 words or less).
Harry's my dad! But he died when I was a kid :( Stupid Voldie. So when I finished 5th year at Hogwarts, the Ministry of Magic gave me a time-turner so I could go back to the past and study 6th year with my dad! Isn't that cool?!
What is your current level of magical experience?
Successfully completed 5th year studies at Hogwarts.
Please explain in the space provided below why you would like to attend Hogwarts?
Why? Well, I'd be studying 6th year in my own time anyway. Silly. But it would be cool if I could see my dad. Besides, I really, really want to meet Draco! I saw pictures of him in Mom and Dad's old year book! And OMG!!! Tom Felt- I mean Draco is so hawt!!!1 Drool! So can I? Please, please, please, please, pleeeeeeeeeeeeese?!!!
Crumpling the paper and throwing it away, McGonagall rolled her eyes in disgust. The following reply would be a waste of ink, but it had to be said.
Ms. Harriet Potter,
It is my pleasure to inform you that your transfer application for sixth year studies at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry has been rejected. Harry Potter is not your father, as the Ministry of Magic would never hand out a time-turner for so frivolous a purpose. I suggest you seek counseling immediately for your obvious delusions and cease sending letters of this nature to Hogwarts. The students of Hogwarts need not suffer harassment and failure to comply with this request makes you answerable to both the Muggle and magical authorities. The later of which will be extremely harsh if you do, indeed, have an illegal time-turner in your possession.
Insincerely,
Minerva McGonagall
Deputy Headmistress
Poor Harry Potter, McGonagall thought. He had enough problems simply being The Boy Who Lived. Already this was the fifth woman this week to claim to be his daughter. Of the thousands of young women who had claimed kinship with Harry, all of them were bright, beautiful, mysterious, intelligent, cynical, troubled and completely contradictory. Also, rather predictably McGonagall thought, they all had curves in all the right places and problems with authority. Since there was no magical spell in existence that could reunite a person with deceased loved ones in the past, these women were either completely off their rockers or a plot by the Dark Lord to drive Harry insane. McGonagall heavily suspected it was the later.
Digging though the endless pile of correspondence, McGonagall desperately hoped for something better. She was disappointed.
Name: Legolas "Greenleaf" Thranduilion
Age: Think of a number between five hundred and three thousand.
Location: Middle Earth
Biography (Please describe yourself in 250 words or less).
I'm a simple wood-elf from the dark forbidding forest of Mirkwood. I keep to myself mostly and can't understand why this leads to me being pursued by frightening females who insist on being my sister/daughter/amnesiac girlfriend or wife.
What is your current level of magical experience?
Good question! Um... I spent a few months traveling with a wizard and a hobbit with a magic ring.
Please explain in the space provided below why you would like to attend Hogwarts?
Everyone's doing it.
This had to be some sort of elaborate joke, was all McGonagall could think as she picked up her pen.
Mr. Thranduilion,
It is my duty to inform you that your transfer request to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry has been rejected. While no one is doubting your skills as a warrior or accomplished adventurer, you do not appear to have the magical skills necessary to attain admittance to Hogwarts, if, indeed, you have any magical potential at all. If you are still interested in studying abroad, it is highly recommended that you seek enrolment in a magical institution in your own dimension. If and when the necessary prerequisites are fulfilled, you may resubmit a transfer application for re-evaluation. If however, this course of action does not appeal to you, Dobby, the manager of Hogwarts Food Services has informed me that there are many positions available for elves this semester. If interested please se the enclosed job application.
Sincerely,
Minerva McGonagall
Deputy Headmistress
The return address was simply "Middle Earth". McGonagall wondered briefly where that was before deciding that she didn't really care. The letter would leave no doubt in the same way it arrived. Random plot devices seemed to be everywhere these days - convenient to all but herself. Nostalgically she found herself remembering the good old days when the rules of space, time and sanity applied. Not that sanity was helping as she reached for the next letter.
Name: Hermione "Mione" Granger
Age: 16
Biography (Please describe yourself in 250 words or less).
When I started Hogwarts I was an akward dorky grrl but this summer I had a growth spurt and my cousin from america gave me a makeover! So now I have long straight black hair with white streaks and I've filled out which is great because now I look smashing in fishnets, stillettos, a leather mini skirt and halter top.
Please explain in the space provided below why you would like to attend Hogwarts?
Well I obviously already go to Hogwarts but I'm requesting a transfer of a different kind. I want to be transferred to Slytherin House as Gryffindor is unsuitable and now entirely beneath me. Besides my one true love Draco Malfoy lives in Slytherin and it isn't fair that a stupid mouldy old hat should stand in the way of our true love!
Unable to believe her eyes Minerva quickly checked the address to find that this piece of drivel was indeed from the real Ms. Granger.
Taking out two fresh pieces of parchment, she quickly set her green quill to rectify the matter.
On the first she drafted a reply to Ms. Granger saying that her unprecedented change of House had been approved and that she was sure Slytherin House would be proud to welcome their new member.
On the second, she wrote to the Ministry of Magic asking that Hermione Granger be quietly abducted from Platform 9 3/4 on September 1st and taken to St Mungo's where whatever curse had been placed on her mind could be quickly removed.
As her hardworking owls took the message away, Minerva began to see the wisdom in this insipid exchange program. It could be used to root out all manners of evil but somehow it didn't seem right that she was stuck here on Summer Holiday doing all the work.
Four down, four thousand to go. She sighed as owls began tapping on the window panes with new letters and a pile of mail was dropped down to chimney.
And to think - she had yet to touch the applications for the Defense Against the Dark Arts post.
Harry Potter characters and concepts were created by J. K. Rowling. They are used here with good intentions but without permission.