Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of it's amazing characters. That honor belongs to the wonderful Stephenie Meyer. Her pedestal is in progress.

Can't Touch This

"You did what?" I shrieked into the phone.

"Calm down, Bella. It's not that big a deal," Edward says.

I snort. "Yes, you crashing Carlisle's car, completely obliterating it, is something that should definitely make me feel calm."

"It's not obliterated as you exaggerate, merely no longer operational."

"Obliterated."

"You're being a bit overdramatic about this, Bella," he says. "It's not as if I'm injured. True, the tree is beyond any hope of recovery, but I survived completely unscathed."

"Yes, well," I huff, "that's because you're a vampire. And are you honestly telling me that if I had done what you just have, that you would be unconcerned?"

"Of course not. You'd be dead." Well, duh.

"Not if you'd just give in and change me," I chirp cheerily.

He sighs angrily. "We've been over this before, Bella. I'm not going to change you."

"Edward"—

"Bella," he says in a warning tone. I sigh gustily. Why is he so stubborn?

After a slight pause he says hesitantly, "I'm afraid there is a slight drawback to my crashing Carlisle's car."

"A slight drawback," I say dryly. Oh, the irony.

"Yes. Carlisle has confined me to my room for the remainder of the week. No visitors."

I gasp, aghast. "Don't you think that's a bit harsh?"

"He did like that car," Edward replies wistfully.

Shoot. I was planning to surprise Edward for his birthday, even if it was slightly redundant. But his house arrest now made this impossible. And you'd think he'd be a little more put out, not being able to see me for another three days.

I could never get away with doing something for him, could I? Oh no. Something always got in the way. But when he tried to do stuff for me, it unfolds flawlessly. It was unfair.

And with that thought an idea began to unravel. I smile joyously.

"I'm going to have to call you back, Edward."

"What? Bella"—

"Bye."

Never have I been so thankful that he is incapable of reading my mind. It'd ruin my revenge plot.

The next night…

I place the boom box down on the grass in front of the window to Edward's room. I rub my hands together, feeling more than a little devious.

I throw some rocks at his window. They all miss, but I probably would have broken the window if they'd made contact with my luck. He'd hear them in any case.

And sure enough, the light in his room flicks on and the window opens. His head pokes outside and the look on his face is positively priceless.

"Bella? What are you doing here at one in the morning?" He's quite obviously shocked at my presence. Good. I grin fiendishly before sticking my tongue out at him, and I silently pray that I won't trip.

I flick on the boom box and flash a bright smile.

Doo doo doo doo. Doo doo. Doo doo Can't touch this.

I dance in every ridiculous style I can think of to the music, all the while watching Edward's reaction. He's trying to look irritated but I can see the smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. By the time the song is done, he's smirking and his shoulders are shaking.

"Geez, Bella. You're such a tease." I jump a bit as I realize that this voice belongs to Alice, who's perched calmly on a nearby windowsill. Then I see what she has in her hands and my mouth goes dry.

"Please tell me that you did not videotape that, Alice," I whimper. My plans always backfire somehow.

"Every second," she smiles. I groan. "Do you honestly think I could pass up an opportunity like this?"

Edward's shoulders are shaking more than ever and his face is contorted with barely suppressed laughter.

"Hey," I shout at him. "What are you laughing at? You still"…I press replay…"can't touch this."