Rating: T

Parings: Implied Sanzo/Goku

Warnings: Mentions of cutting and suicide. Morbid themes. Sanzo's foul mouth. ANGST!

Timeline: Sometime during the journey.

A/N: This idea struck me because I was in a really angry mood, mostly at myself. I liked the way it turned out though. I guess since I was in a bad mood I didn't want to kill anybody. (laughs)

C&C appreciated.

Sometimes, I wish I could hurt myself.

Or die. Dying would be nice. A quick shot from my Smith & Wesson, and it would all be over. Really, that's all it would take, and then this boring mission, boring life, boring existence would end. I'm sick of sitting in a Jeep, riding west every day. My ass is sore from over two years of sitting in that exact same shape. And the worst part? When we get there, the journey's only half over because then we have to turn around and go all the way back. Except hopefully it'll go faster since there wont be any crazy demons trying to kill and eat me, the fuckers.

Hopefully.

Sometimes I get so tired of everything. Tired because I'm human, certainly not demons like the stupid, idiot, fucktards that keep following me everywhere. Gojyo, with that sultry smirk and those red eyes that keep taunting me, forever the color of blood. Hakkai, that same calm poker-face set as every day he goes through with the motions. He's like me in more ways then one, and I think that's how I can connect with him on a simple, base level. Birds of a feather, and all that shit.

I've seen the occasional scars. He's done it too.

Fucking lucky son of a bitch.

I'd ask him what it's like, but I'd be damned if I let Hakkai know what I was thinking. He's recovered, or so Gojyo claims. He was there when Hakkai went through his depression, probably caught Hakkai mutilating himself. I wonder, what went through that goddamn half-breed's mind when he found Hakkai like that? But Hakkai seems better, hadn't brought a blade to his skin for almost three years, as far as anyone knows.

Just because he isn't doing it anymore doesn't mean he's recovered. I don't think anyone really recovers.

And then there's Goku. Goku… that insufferable, bothersome, loud, excitable little chimp! More times then once I've wanted to put a bullet in his goddamn skull and be done with it. Maybe then his constant voice would leave me. Every time he's away from me for a long period of time it's like he panics, and his voice is there, calling me, asking me, needing me.

He's still the brat I rescued all those years ago. How many was it now? Too fucking many.

I hate Goku, because he's always there. I hate him because he's constantly looking up at me like I'm the mother-fucking sun. Like I'm all that and a box of meat-buns. I hate the way he looks at me, with that love and devotion and undying trust. He would jump off a cliff if I asked him to, or spread his legs for me…

I try not to think about that.

I hate Goku because he's the reason I can't hurt myself.

I could do it so easily too. I could cut up my arms, hidden beneath the black arm bands. Nobody would know, because I never take them off. I could carve into it, spilling my own sacrilegious blood…

But I can't because he'd know. Goku would look at me and he'd know instantly. And then his eyes would shadow, and those tears would brim them like always, and he'd ask me why. He'd ask my why I did it. Ask me over and over: Why, why, why, why, why, why, WHY? And I wouldn't have a goddamn answer for him. Goku can't understand depression. He's not human, never was, and can't begin to understand what I go through sometimes.

He doesn't understand when I get so angry I scream, doesn't understand when I get so depressed I can't sleep. Doesn't understand any of it.

Or, at least, he didn't. I don't know anymore. Because when he looks at me, it's like he's grown up. He looks at me and he understands everything. Understands that when it rains, he can't do anything for me. Understands wheat sets me off, understands my simple pleasures in life. He just understands, and it bothers me more then anything.

Because I'm supposed to be the one who gets him! Not the other way around!

When he was younger he didn't understand my depression. He was so wound up in life itself that I don't think he really noticed. He was always out playing in the garden, running around and being just a goddamn monkey. He started out just being a responsibility, like a child that was only temporary. However that 'temporary' stretched to weeks to months to years. And when he was young I would watch him chasing butterflies out in the garden or climbing trees and I'd forget for a little while how much I wanted to carve up my own pretty face.

Then as he got older, he moved from his spot outside my window and for a time I went back to my destructive thoughts. But then he started to take up permanent residence in my office. It was then that I would begin to get annoyed, because his constant humming or fidgeting was constantly distracting. A nice distraction, I'll admit. But I'd always kick him out for privacy only to have him return ten minutes later.

He really was a stupid monkey.

But winters, winters I was okay with. Winters I could go outside and sit for hours, allowing the freezing cold to numb my body, until I couldn't feel my fingers and my lips turned blue. I loved that numbness; because it was better then the aching, shredding, tearing hole that something needed to fill. There was this gap in my life, this… space that couldn't be filled. Like I was missing a whole other chunk in my life. I was going through with the motions, and there has been more then one time I've been so close, so fucking close to just pulling the trigger.

Then he gets in the way.

I hate Goku! I hate him so much because he keeps me from cutting, keeps me from mutilating myself. Keeps me from pulling the goddamn trigger because every time I have the barrel to my head I just see those eyes. Goku's golden eyes haunt me; they're just always… there, watching me. I know that if I cut it would break him inside. He would fall to a new level of low because he hadn't been able to protect me from myself, or some shit.

I hate Goku's eyes the most. The way he looks up at me. Sometimes I want to shoot him for that damned annoying look alone. But I know I can't. If I killed him I might as well shoot off my own arm.

I hate the way I'm not supposed to love him.

He keeps me secured, keeps me down, fucking attaches me to this planet! If it wasn't for him, I would've let go a long time ago.

So much for Muchimostu.

A few years ago, the image of the gun was always in my head. Always ready and willing to pull the trigger despite having to know that I would have forever betrayed Goku. But now, as I sit in this goddamn uncomfortable seat as we travel west, I don't think about it as much anymore. I don't think about my depression or my desire to hurt myself, just to forget about that mind numbing hole for just a little bit.

Hakkai would call it "recovering" I call it "forgetting."

For some reason I'm able to just forget it all. The farther west we go, the farther from my mind it goes. It's like I left all my problems back at Chang'an, and as much of a fucking waste of time this journey is, I still like the break it gives me from that goddamn desk in that office.

I still have no idea what's going to happen to me though. But then Goku turns and gives me that stupidly huge smile and I think I'm going to be all right.