Author announcement:
Hi there bleach-readers. First time for me posting a story within this fandom and to keep things simple (like the story title) I've kept it as a wee romancy-humorous ficlet. Now, I do not know whether this particular idea has been touched upon by anyone else, since I can honestly say I've never felt a need to peruse much bleach fanfiction. So if this is some sort of great cliché here I'll apologize in advance for my obvious lack of creativity.
Depending on how the whole HM arc plays out this may or may not be considered AU. Then again this story is quite a bit later in time and it doesn't really have anything to do with anything so I guess it doesn't matter either way.
Disclaimer: There's a laundromat at my apartment complex which dispenses all soap needed to wash clothes both colored and white, so I don't need to own any bleach. (Urgh... that one was baaad)
Anyway, enjoy the story – it's stupid.
Simple Math
By Shnoosh
Chapter 1 – Monday
'Beep...'
'Beep...'
Monday morning.
'Beep...'
First day of the week.
'Beep...'
First hour of seriousness.
'Beep...'
First minute of responsibility.
'Beep...'
Absolutely no time where any sane person would want to wake up.
'Beep...'
And the black haired, blue eyed Quincy was most definitely a prime example of a sane person.
'Bee...'
The alarm clock was silenced by a slender hand pushing the button on the side of the infernal contraption.
It showed 5:00 in the morning.
Silence permeated the air.
The girl who occupied the other side of the futon made no sound, still in deep sleep – she would slumber blissfully through a continent-rearranging earthquake at this time in the morning anyway.
Ishida Uryuu yawned once as he routinely did, lifted his torso from the mattress and threw his legs out from underneath the comforter. He sighed, not really wanting to start the day. Knowing that his continued mastery of the Ginrei Kojaku would not come on its own, he was forced to will himself up though. Completing courses in higher education while also honing his skills in vanquishing hollows and worse was something requiring a very punctual mindset.
And punctuality dictated that he had to get up very early on weekdays.
All the more reason for the punctual to hate Mondays even more than the average person.
The university student/malignant spirit hunter reached for his glasses which lay at their usual place on the low table – right next to the alarm clock. At first his girlfriend couldn't understand why he really needed his spectacles on a table next to where they slept. She did a mental 180 and heartily began supporting the idea (actually pleaded that the table would become bolted down as well), after concocting a scenario in her head where not locating the glasses as the first thing in the morning caused him to fall off the face of a cliff and subsequently become run over by a high-speed train. He had of course explained that the percentage chance for such an outcome involved purely imaginary numbers – in the end he found himself forever ruining the decorative floor by hammering steel spikes through it.
The black haired turned his gaze towards the futon, casting one last glance at the ever so often over-imaginative girl. It was sort of another tradition for him to spend a quiet minute doing so before heading towards the shower, watching her sleep gave him a sort of inner...
Empty...
There should be an Orihime-sized hump in the comforter, a chaotic mess of flower-honey hair glistening in the morning sun, smothering her face.
But there wasn't.
Only a lumpy pillow glared back at him, and the futon was completely devoid of any human being other than himself, although it still showed signs of somebody having slept beside him.
Ishida's eyes widened.
This wasn't normal...
Or rather...
It was against the laws of nature!
No way on earth or any spirit realm known to Man, Death God, Quincy, Hollow, Bount or Arrancar was there even a remote possibility that she had woken up on her own at this hour...
Which left only one option.
Somebody must have...
Wide awake and with frantic eyes Ishida immediately jumped out of bed, grabbed the pentacle and the oversized arrow from the table while in midair, and lunged for the exit – her reiatsu came from the kitchen. His second leap sent him bursting out of the bedroom, ripping a human sized hole in the fusima acting as sliding door. The arrow emitted a low hum as it took on the form of the soul shearing energy sword capable of chainsawing its way through anything, the pentacle cross enlarged into the deadly gleaming spiderweb bow.
Nobody would take Orihime away again!
Not EVER!
With steel-hard eyes, blazing weapons and uncharacteristically heedless of any danger the normally composed quincy rushed into the kitchen ready to rain down spiritual destruction upon anyth...
"EEEEEEEP!!!" The girl screeched and jumped nearly two feet in the air.
Luckily she had already put down the plate, because surely it would have been shattered against the floor, if she had still been holding it when her overzealous boyfriend had made his entrance.
She eyed the monumentally baffled spirit archer with a quizzical expression. "What are you doing?"
"Eh..." Ishida stared at her for three full eons (technically seconds), before his embarrassment forced him to lower his gaze, thus allowing him to catch a glimpse of himself.
His cheeks turned a en even more radiant burgundy as he realized that he had rushed out of bed, broken a door, and was now standing armed to the teeth and being scrutinized by the curious stare of his mystified girlfriend. Normally he loved having those enormous grey eyes upon him, he got the distinct (and very satisfying) feeling that she was constantly undressing him with them. Right now there wasn't much to undress since he was clad in the very novel combat outfit of a pair of boxers...
Literally a cave-man in the kitchen.
Definitely not... the Quincy way.
To say that Orihime was surprised would be an understatement. Not that she minded Uryuu being up... or the way he was dressed. Seeing him standing there in front of her in almost nothing – bare chest heaving in agitation and weapons drawn – did ignite something in her. His pale, lean torso and arms were colored slightly orange by the morning sun and together they sported more sexy looking lines than she could count... she'd actually tried once, but she failed just before reaching 15 when the urge to put her mouth on them had taken complete control, causing her to literally tackle him to the bathroom floor and... waitwaitwait... she shouldn't be thinking about that... she should be wondering why he was up looking like he was on a hollow-hunt. Perhaps there was a hollow – no. She hadn't sensed anything. But Uryuu was always so orderly and correct. He never threw towels on the floor, and he always folded his clothes and his socks before going to bed, and if he was looking like this there must be...
"Oh..." Orihime said as her reasoning came to a conclusion. "...I forgot. You always train in the morning. I'm never up so... but isn't it easier to do outside? There's much more room there and you don't need to worry about breaking stuff... unless... you're training indoor combat... then of course you would need to..."
Ishida exhaled through a heavy sigh. 'Yes of course . . . of course then my training would consist of running wildly through the apartment and destroying it as a half-naked madman.' Five in the morning really was too early for 'hime-logic' – even if it meant being saved from embarrassing moments by it. "Why are you up so early?"
"Oh that..." The orange haired girl responded as she went back towards the stove where a pan sizzled. "I just felt hungry, and I suddenly got all these new ideas for things to make."
Ishida looked at the little table which was quite well stocked with food... if you could call Orihime's cooking that.
"I've made enough for you too." The girl chirped over her shoulder, and Ishida nearly choked.
THIS... was one of the main reasons why he got up so early... he knew what he liked for breakfast... just a nice simple miso with mackerel and some rice. He didn't posses the kind of stomach that could eat scores of buttered sweet potatoes blended together with caramelized leeks and wasabi. Five in the morning really was too early for 'hime-cooking' as well.
"But..." She continued in a slightly more dejected tone. "...you don't have to if you don't want to of course, I know that most people don't like what I usually make so..."
Damn it all!
"Don't say that..." The quincy reassured. "...I am... honored that you have gotten up this early and made breakfast for... what's this?" He looked at the table with food.
Orihime turned around with the sizzling pan in hand. "I just got all these new ideas." She scooped the content of the pan onto an empty platter while addressing her boyfriend's question. "That there is potatoes – I wanted to make some sort of different potato chips so I grated them into little strips and put them on the pan, they look a bit like burnt hair but they don't smell so bad. That..." She pointed towards something looking like several rolled up flat breads. "...is something where I mixed flour, milk, eggs and some sugar... and little bit of salt... but it became too liquid to eat and too thick to drink so I thought it would get better if I dried it on the stove, and they turned into those things. I put some sweet bean paste in them and rolled them up. This here..." She pointed at the puffy yellowish mass she'd just poured on the platter. "...is also eggs and milk – but no flour, and a lot more eggs. It looks really funny and fluffy don't you think? I put salt and pepper in it and... what was it..." She turned around carrying the pan towards the stove again. A glass jar containing some dried green herbs and situated next to the stove was quickly examined by grey eyes. "...oh right... chives."
This was very strange indeed. There was also regular white bread, sliced meat and pieces of melon. But none of it was ground together in a crazed paste, there was no sweet bean jelly covered leeks, no squid tentacles dipped in honey, and no sticks upon sticks upon sticks of butter to go with it all. Overcome with curiosity Uryuu did something he normally wouldn't: Grabbed one of the rolled up pieces of flat bread and took a bite.
"Wow, Orihime. This is really good." 'And really, really strange.'
"You think so?" The girl exclaimed with child-like enthusiasm. "Oh, I'm so glad you like it. Let's sit down and eat then. No, no... don't go get dressed yet."
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"Hi Ishida!" Tatsuki yelled, ripping the Quincy out of his thoughts – and causing him to drop the remainder of the rice ball he had been eating. She attended the same university as him and specialized in human physiology with primary focus on health and fitness, something she indeed was quite adept at herself. It was lunch break, and Ishida's next lecture didn't start until a quarter past one.
"Tatsuki-san." Ishida greeted her back, vaguely disappointed with his loss of lunch. "Uhm..."
"What is it?" The short haired girl asked as she fished out a carton of orange juice from her bag.
"You've... known Orihime for a long time... I mean longer than any other... right?" He picked up another of the 'great balls of rice', looking at it casually as it balanced in between his chopsticks.
"I think so. Why?" Tatsuki put on a speculative face. "Is there something wrong between you two?"
"What? No... not at all, it's just... you know the way she cooks..."
"Don't say you're letting that come between you."
"What? No!" Ishida exclaimed. "I just mean that this morning she made breakfast for both of us..."
"And that's a VERY SWEET GESTURE!" The athlete shot to her feet, pointing an accusing finger at him. Resulting in the second time where the startled Quincy's lunch dropped from his chopsticks, and broke in halves upon impact with the ground. "You may not like everything she makes! But she still puts in a lot of effort! It is disrespectful to not acknowledge that!"
"What?!? No!" Ishida was getting annoyed now, not only had he dropped almost half his lunch, but his speech pattern was becoming far too redundant for his own intelligence to accept. "...will you stop interrupting me. What I'm trying to say is that what she made was great!"
"Oh..." She sat down again. "Sorry about that." Her expression became thoughtful as she gulped down another mouthful of orange juice.
"It's just..." Uryuu turned to look at his dropped food. Even though his stomach disagreed, it wasn't really in his nature to pick the rice up from the ground and eat it. Besides... he still had one more. "...really strange. Because she's always been making her own types of food, and when she experiments it never turns out... you know..."
"Yeah. I know."
"I just wanted to know if you can remember Orihime ever making... normal food... or just something... well... tasty."
The black haired girl drank yet another sip. "I don't... I actually don't think so. I always used to bring her food from home... I think I was a bit worried about the stuff she normally ate..."
"TATSUKI-CHAN!!!"
Speak of the devil – and dammit, there went the last lunch.
Tatsuki turned to see the orange haired girl walking speedily towards them, waving her right hand in the air. She came to stand before them looking intently at her very own Quincy. "Hi! I... shi... da... KUN!" The highly playful greeting gesture was masterfully completed by her right index finger pressing said persons nose completely flat.
"Orihime... you're off for lunch already?" Tatsuki asked seeing that Uryuu apparently couldn't speak. Either he was in a state of mild shock by being out of food, or he was too busy trying to look as dignified as Orihime's nose-squashing digit would allow – possibly a bit of both.
"Mm!" Orihime directed her eyes towards the girl and nodded enthusiastically in response. "But it's only a short break, so I have to go ba-eww, I stepped in something." Her right foot lifted to reveal a white paste which had glued itself to the sole of her shoe. She snatched one of Uryuu's chopsticks with her left hand, using the wide end to scrape it off with. Since he wasn't holding any food in them it meant that he must have fini...
Her scraping ceased as she noticed all the rice on the ground, and she turned towards her still slightly perplexed boyfriend. "Uryuu... did you drop your lunch?"
"Uhm... yes."
"You shouldn't drop food. That's bad manners."
"Right... uhh..."
Noon really was too early to get a lecture in manners by a chopstick-waving Orihime pressing his nose like a button.
"My nose... would you mind?"
"Hm..." The orange haired girl tilted her head as she seemed to ponder whether or not she would. "OK... but..." Pushing with her finger, she forced his head gently backwards and claimed his mouth in a kiss before removing the offending appendage – for some diabolical reason the kiss served to make him even hungrier.
Tatsuki eyed the two with a casual eye – so much for being concerned about things not going well between them.
Orihime dropped down on the grass next to Uryuu, careful to avoid getting her legs messed up with the spilled rice. She pulled out and opened an oversized lunchbox, revealing several wrapped-up pieces of triangular food. "Are you still hungry, since you dropped your food?" She asked him. "I think I made way too much, so you can have some of mine." She was already handing him a piece.
"And of course! If you want, you can have some too Tatsuki!" She proclaimed with a big smile towards her friend.
"That's alright." The black haired girl said, envisioning Orihime's typical lunchbox contents. "I'm not really hungry."
Uryuu inspected the triangle that was handed to him shortly before accepting it. "What did you make?" Not that he really cared at this point.
"It's just a sandwich. I toasted some bread and put in lettuce, tomatoes and bacon. There's a bit of mayonnaise on the bread, but it became really yucky if I put too much on, so I tried not to do that." Orihime relayed before grabbing one for herself.
Uryuu unwrapped the triangle revealing a double layered sandwich, which looked rather tasty.
"Give me that." Tatsuki said – albeit after she had already snatched it out of his hand, but just before taking a bite
"I thought you weren't hungry." Uryuu stated casually, making sure to let his displeasure at her action show.
Tatsuki didn't seem to acknowledge the fact that she'd been addressed – simply chewed while staring at the sandwich like a forensics expert examining a piece of highly questionable evidence. She took another bite as if to make sure that her senses weren't lying to her. Never had she thought the day would come when she would say what she was about to now. "This is pretty good, Orihime."
"Thank you." The orange haired girl replied with a little grin. She brushed her hand against Uryuu's arm to get his attention, and the spirit archer noticed that she'd gotten out another sandwich for him from her stash. "Here Uryuu... there's still plenty."
Ishida decided to let Tatsuki stealing his first sandwich slide, the athlete girl was way too occupied with the mystery that it was anyway. He eagerly took a bite of his own, and acknowledged the fact that it indeed was quite a tasty sandwich: Not too light or too heavy, not too salty, not too dry, not too crispy or too mushy, and not smothered in mayonnaise as one could have feared Orihime would have done. She'd actually gotten it...
'Just right . . .'
As Uryuu's left hand searched for and locked with Orihime's right, he noticed how Tatsuki, who was finishing up her own sandwich, was probably thinking the exact same as him right now.
This was really, really, really strange.
So what in Aizen's name is going on here? Is Orihime really as clueless about food as she pretends to be? Has she actually learned to create edible meals overnight? Or has she plotted this for weeks by secretly attending evening classes in cooking? The tension will only get uhh... tenser.
Oh and please review. It's encouraging :)