Little Red Riding-hood
"P-p-professor! Why are your eyes so red?"
"Probably irritated from the noxious fumes you imbecilic dunderheads insist on producing while brewing perfectly harmless potions, Mr. Potter."
"But, Professor, why are your ears so pointed?"
"Childhood accident with a pencil-sharpener."
"Erh, Professor, I don't want to say anything, but you kind of have – well, fangs in your mouth…"
"That would be your clue to run, Mr. Potter."
"… Why?"
"Because I am a dark, evil vampire that is going to eat you."
"I've never seen a dark, evil vampire with pointed ears."
"You have never seen a vampire, period."
"But I thought vampires were just normal humans that were turned to the Dark Side of Magic?"
"As I said. Childhood accident with a pencil-sharpener."
"So it's my job now to run?"
"Traditionally, yes."
"… Don't you find it stupid having to chase after every meal?"
"That is my daily exercise."
"Daily?"
"I need to replenish my complete blood volume once a week lest it starts molding. If I don't want to kill my donors, I better take only a little bit every day."
"So you're really the Dark Bat from the dungeons."
"Since I cannot turn into a bat, that is a misnomer."
"Can you turn into anything else? Something cool like a wolf or a vulture?"
"… Since when have vultures been considered 'cool'?"
"Well, they're the newest trend. All the Ravenclaws are trying to redecorate their common room with vultures. Didn't you see the huge vulture on the Ravenclaw banner this lunch in the Great Hall?"
"That was a vulture? I thought that had been the result of one of my Slytherins trying to turn their raven into a snake."
"Nope. Vulture."
"Ah."
"Mhm."
"… Aren't you forgetting something, Mr. Potter?"
"Pretty sure I am. But since I've forgotten it, would you mind reminding me, professor?"
"Impertinent brat. I am talking about my daily exercise."
"Daily exercise… Oh, you mean that I should start running? Sorry, Sir, but running's not really my thing, too many bad childhood memories, you know? I like flying better."
"Since we have already established that I am not able to assume an avian form, I would kindly suggest you desist from flying, Mr. Potter."
"Never said anything about you having to turn into a flying bloodsucker. Why don't you do it like the rest of humanity, with a broom?"
"… That is not an option."
"But why? Don't worry, I won't do any seeker's maneuvers, and I'll even let you catch up eventually."
"Flying in general is not an option."
"Oh? I never heard anything about vampires needing to stay on the ground."
"… If you must know, they are personal problems."
"Oh… Ohhhh! You know, you could have just told me that you were afraid of heights. So, does that mean that you could turn into a bat if you really wanted to?"
"No, I could not. It would be best if you ran now, Potter."
"You know, can't we skip the running part and go straight to the… well, whatever you're going to do to me afterwards?"
"… Mr. Potter, are you aware of the purpose of the hunt?"
"Exercise for you, you said. There's something else?"
"The various chemicals released during a chase make the blood more easily digestible."
"Meaning I taste better."
"That is a coincidental side-effect."
"Does it still work if I am just running because you tell me to? I thought there had to be some kind of fear or panic involved to make a good hunt."
"You are correct."
"Sorry, Sir, but at the moment, I really don't feel inclined to panic."
"Is my appearance and the knowledge that I am a vampire not enough?"
"After six years of potions with you, I got kind of desensitized to that. Why don't you try Neville if you need fear?"
"And there I thought Gryffindors valued friendship."
"Hey, I'm a Gryffindor and not a Hufflepuff. And since the textbook definition of 'courage' is doing things despite being afraid of them, that means suggesting Neville is a very courageous act from my side."
"How come?"
"Well, I'm afraid of how he and the rest of the Gryffindors are going to react to that. But, brave that I am, I won't let that deter me from my set course of action."
"Very Slytherin of you."
"Oh, goodness, no! If I were Slytherin, I would have suggested Neville to save my own skin, not to save the world."
"So now, you're not only courageous but also going to save the world by placing Longbottom in peril?"
"Sure. I'm the Boy-Who-Lived, and it's my job to kill Voldemort and thus save the world. And I can't kill Voldemort if you suck me dry beforehand."
"I wonder how you made it into Gryffindor with reasoning like that."
"And I wonder how you made it into Slytherin with a character like that."
"Why?"
"After seven years of being in a den of snakes and three more as a Death Eater hand-picked by Voldemort, you still have enough courage and foolhardy brashness left to voluntarily spy on the darkest Lord in half a century?"
"I am a Dark Creature, so of course I was going to be sorted into Slytherin."
"And I am a Dark Creature, too, so that doesn't count."
"Oh? And, pray tell, what kind of creature are you?"
"A Submissive Whatchamacallit."
"A submissive what?"
"No, not a Submissive What. A Submissive Whatchamacallit. There's a difference. Whatchamacallits are more mysterious than Whats."
"Do not lie to me, Mr. Potter. You look and smell human, so there is no need to invent an imaginary magical race."
"Ah, but that's the clue. My Whatchamacallit heritage will only appear coming July 31st when whatever clock I have at hand strikes midnight, and then I'll have exactly one year to find my destined Dominant Whatchamacallit soul-mate who'll probably be Draco now that I know that you're a vampire already, or I will perish most direly."
"… Who told you this nonsense?"
"Luna. And it's not nonsense. She said that my grandmother's cousin's brother's uncle's room-mate was a Whatchamacallit, and ever since the gene's been recessive in the Evans line, and it only reawakened in me because I'm special. When I turn into a Whatchamacallit, I'll get some awesome bonus features, too, like x-ray vision and being able to drink pumpkin juice through my nose while standing on my head, but since they're so awesome, they gotta be balanced out by the prospect of being forced into loveless sex with my Dominant."
"… I see. Where did you say Longbottom was again?"
"Not going to suck my blood after all?"
"I am not sure whether your… Whatchamacallit nature is contagious. I would rather not risk infecting myself with your… heritage."
"Didn't even think of that, that my blood might not be digestible for vampires. I always thought Whatchamacallit blood had to be especially delicious and addicting for all other Dark Creatures. Oh, and Neville's in the second green-house, helping Professor Sprout breed a new, especially dangerous version of the Venomous Man-Eating Tentacular. But since you're a vampire and not a man, it shouldn't go after you. I think. Good luck!"
"… Thank you. Good bye, Mr. Potter."
A/N: Creature fics. Enough said.
Comments and suggestions to improve always welcome!
Sakiku