A/N: Ughhhh... I warn you before you begin, this is not the concluding chapter of Rath's Ways. I was taking way too long, and I figured I may as well make it a three shot or it would never get out! I blame high school entirely. Okay, I don't want to keep you from the long-awaited Rath goodness, if you're even reading my author's note. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing!
Rath's Ways
19
"That movie..." The queen of heaven sighed delicately then blew wads of mucus from her nose into a tissue, "Was the most beautiful thing EVER."
Roland, throwing up beneath her, groaned his disagreement. "I didn't like the part where the guy gave the girl those diamonds."
"That was the best part!!!" Elimine screeched. "Diamonds are the best thing EVEERRRRR!!!! Besides clothes!!"
"But Elimine, the only reason she loved him was because he had lots of money-"
"DON'T DISAGREE WITH ME!!!" She screeched again. "I know WAAAAYYYYY more about love than you do! You think that love is about feelings and being together forever!! The audacity! Didn't your mother ever teach you that she only married your father because he was rich and powerful?"
"Ummm... No."
"Well, take it from me, kid. Love is all about materialism," the queen of everything good concluded seriously. "True love is measured in the dollar signs that show up in a woman's eyes when she sees her guy."
Roland, innocently wondering what the meaning of life was all about now that Elimine had removed true love from the list, was interrupted from his extremely slow thinking process by the door slamming open.
"Elimine!!" A breathless messenger arrived. He therefore had to sit on the couch and wheeze for a few seconds before delivering his ultra-super-important-fantastical message. Of doom. "It's Brammimond!!"
"Is he/she/it wearing my tutu again?! I told that wanna-be to stop copying me and my amazing style!!"
"No, it's worse! He/she/it was sitting in his/her/its little tomb of emo-ness, being all depressed and waiting for the world to end, you know, ever since he/she/it met up with that Harry Potter guy, when he/she/it suddenly sprang up and teleported!"
"...To where? And why?"
"Sources say that he/she/it..." The messenger flipped through a stack of paper. "First gained a sparkly dress, pink hair, and a clerical staff. He then declared, 'Roole te werldd!!' before flouncing away and teleporting. Does that mean anything to you, Miss Elimine?"
Elimine's eye twitched. "Elimine- I mean, myself-, NO. How could this have happened?! Serra was thousands of miles away!!! And Brammimond's practically in the center of the earth!"
"Right before his transformation, the charts show a large sound spike of roughly 8 billion decibels. The whole of Elimine probably heard it. Heck, Magvel probably heard it. I bet the Demon King is covering his ears right now... Or cowering and sucking his thumb in terror."
"Darn it!" Elimine kicked her footrest in irritation as he let out a whimper. "I should have known this would happen!!! Brammimond's insane- he- I mean, it- er, she?- will do everything that Serra does the second he/she/it gets near her! If Serra attempts to kill me, Brammimond will too!"
"Oh, no." The messenger's eyes grew wide. "You're dead."
"Yeah, I know."
"Brammimond's pretty powerful."
"...We were afraid of Brammimond? I was talking about SERRA. If there's two of her, the world will fall apart. It can hardly handle ONE of her!! The laws of nature will start flying about! Lyn will wear a ball gown! Ann will forget the square root of pi to the thousandth place! Pegasi will just become horses with big cardboard wings! Eliwood will wear something from the men's side of the store!! The world's going to crack!!!!!" She somberly turned to Roland. "Roland, it's time to bring out the big guns."
Roland pressed a button, revealing weapons of mass destruction in huge rows lined up inside their wall, not to mention a kitten with a little ribbon around its neck.
"No, no. All of those can't do a thing to a force like Serra." Wilting, Roland pressed the button again. "No. We need something even more powerful!!! We need something unstoppable!!! We need-"
"A new toilet," Hanon announced, walking out of the restroom. "Sorry, dudes. I was thinking about the whales, and so I sat in there for two days. When I finally realized I needed to flush, the toilet was already, like, blown up, man."
"Oh, that explains the smell!" Roland said cheerfully.
"TWUE LUV!!!!" Elimine exclaimed.
After the heavenly choir stopped singing, Roland stared at her with his eyes bugging out. "I thought you said that true love was nothing but diamonds and stuff!!"
Elimine whacked him. "I said TWUE LUV-" the choir interrupted loudly "-Not true love."
"What's that?"
"Yeah," Hanon said, scratching at her pits. "What's that? Is it, like, whales?"
"No. It is something even more deadly than whales! It is the fluffiest, sparkliest, heart-oozing-est, brain-melting-est, teeth-rotting-est thing that has ever walked the earth!! Frankly, a match for Serra! But it'll be a close fight, what with having to find people that share TWUE LUV." Batting away the cherubs and ignoring the choir, Elimine grinned evilly. "Yes, this will work. Roland!!"
The former hero that had fought dragons, dark magic, and worse, cringed at the sound of the woman's voice. "...Yeah?"
"Go find me a person in Eliwood's Elite that is in TWUE LUV!!"
"BUT HOW WILL I KNOW?" Roland managed to yell over the hallelujah chorus.
"HOW DO YOU KNOW?"
"YEAH, HOW DO YOU KNOW HE LOVES HER?! HOW DO YOU KNOW HE'S HERS?"
"I feel a song coming on," the messenger exclaimed. (OMG, Enchanted!)
Before said song could commence, Elimine kicked Roland through the clouds and down to Earth.
"What is it, Milady?" Lowen called.
"Aw, nothing to beat up," Lyn called back mournfully. "Just a pile of girls."
Sain was there and drooling in about a millisecond.
Meanwhile, the Pegasus sisters were getting up from the totally cool Rath, who was coolly flattened on the ground and resembled a pancake. Obviously, the main factor in this being cool was that Rath was in it, and he made this pose look as awesome and cool and gangsta as a guy leaning on a wall with a gun. Serra was babbling something nearby, but nobody was really paying attention, as usual.
"What happened?" Lyn asked, as Rath tried to get himself back to a 3-D form.
"We were just flying around, minding our own business, when this THING appeared in front of us and scared our horses to death!" Fiora responded, shaking.
"How would you describe it?" Lyn questioned. Florina burst into tears at having to remember it.
"You couldn't pay me a million bucks to look at it again!!" Farina wailed. From Farina, the refusal of money meant worse than death. Obviously, the hideous thing had scarred the Pegasus sisters for life. Er, more than they already had been.
"What could be so terrifying that the Pegasus sisters would be like this?" The green knight beside her beamed.
"I don't know, but comforting people is the best way into their beautiful, beautiful hearts. My dearest F-"
"Sain. I haven't killed anything in the past five minutes. The bloodlust is driving me insane. The Pegasus sisters have something for me to kill. I find that lovely and interesting. If they run away screaming because of you, and my hideous beast to kill is gone, I am going to murder something else. Probably the thing that took my beast away. Got it?"
As the whole camp cowered in terror at her rage, Sain mentally admired his liege's beautiful face and nodded at what she was saying. However, he was far too infatuated to really listen. What he heard in Sain-language was something along these lines: "Sain. I blah blah blah. Blah blah and te blah. The Pegasus sisters blah blah. Blah te loveblah blah. Blah te blah, blah you."
"Yes, I understand your feeling completely!!" He exclaimed happily in response, but with no surprise. After all, these confessions of love came everyday. Although sometimes the women would deny it afterwards, he knew that they secretly still pined for him. Women: 0. Sain: A million billion.
"Good. Now, where did Eliwood and Hector go? And where are your Pegasi?"
"Probably stinking up someone's front yard. I TOLD you, it scared them to death!"
"Do you see what I see?"
"No," Eliwood whined, "Because you're standing on my head. And I'm still in these bushes. And I need to go potty."
"Oh, be a man. I only weigh 280 pounds without my armor." Super-Spy Hector (armor included!) pointed with his magnifying glass. "Now, look at that hideous thing there!"
"I don't wanna," Eliwood sniffled. Hector responded by jumping down and shoving the magnifying glass in Eliwood's face. Eliwood gave a gasp.
"Yeah, pretty ugly, right?"
Eliwood burst into tears. "I want that dress!!"
Hector groaned.
While Lyn was distracted, Serra dragged Rath away.
"See? I told you! You say that you're rich and three girls just fall on you! Plus, Lyn came over! And she's not even a girl!"
Rath jerked. "What you say, chick?!"
"Well, I mean, she's a girl. But not a girl, you know."
Rath's eye twitched as he tried to figure this statement out. Finally, deciding that girls were far too strange to ever logically understand, he went with it. Because he's cool.
"Okay, next on the list. You have to appeal to what girls like. And girls like pink. And sparkles."
Rath was starting to feel suspicious, and he had no idea why. "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, woman?"
"I mean... PUT ON THIS TUTU!!!!"
Rath hardly had time to scream girlishly in protest that he was MALE before the pink, sparkly thing was shoved over his head. And Serra began waving around beauty materials. Fifteen minutes later, the gangsta Rath felt more like a pony.
"Go get 'em, tiger!"
"Rath's no tiger, chick."
Roland was not a happy camper. Especially in this camp.
"Gotta find TWUE LUV," he muttered to himself. Spotting two people sitting together, he skipped on over. However, the two couldn't see him because they were... ermm... distracted. "EWWWW!!!" Roland screamed like a little kid. "Yucky yucky!"
Roland just didn't understand! Everywhere he looked, there were lots of cannibal people eating each other's faces, but no TWUE LUV (heavenly chorus). Roland didn't really like Elibe anymore. Where was he gonna find it? From what Elimine had said, TWUE LUV (chorus!) was sparkly, and pink.
Suddenly, Roland spotted it. The girl in TWUE LUV (chorus!) was currently getting shoved out a tent door. Roland, beaming in happiness that he would not be whipped by Elimine, ran on over to grab the person in TWUE LUV (chorus!). As soon as he latched onto the person's arm, they teleported back to heaven.
"Roland, why have you brought me a strange little elf wearing a tutu?"
Roland puffed up his chest. "This girl is in TWUE LUV!"
Elimine glared over the heavenly chorus. "Are you kidding me? For one, this is a guy. Err... I think. And two, wearing pink doesn't mean anything."
Rath looked at the queen of heaven with no emotion. "Rath don'o like tutus, chick."
"Oh, fantastic. He's Kutolah."
"Why? Oh, because of his clothing?"
"No, Roland. Because under his tutu he's got a big golden dollar sign on a chain. And he just said the word chick." Elimine slapped her forehead. "Crap. I can't speak Kutolah AT ALL."
"I can," a person with a lot of B.O. announced from the back of the room. "The whales taught me."
"What?"
"When I'm not saving the whales," Hanon replied seriously, "I go and rap with all my gangsta friends." She turned to Rath, put her hands in a very gangsta symbol, and jammed. "Yo yo yo, my homie bro."
"Yo," Rath responded back with a completely blank look as the messenger tried not to roll on the floor in laughter. (OMG ROFL)
"What do you want me to say to him?"
Elimine thought. "Ask him if he loves anybody."
"My brotha, you wanna get some girl huh?"
"Yo yo, don't be bangin' on me like that, dawg!" Rath replied. "'Course I do. Hottest chick you EVA gonna see with your sorry eyes YEAAAAHHHH."
"I hear ya, my homie. She a fine chick, mm-hmm. She a gangsta girl?"
"Ya know it, man. Er, chick."
"She's Sacaean," Hanon translated.
"Lyn," Elimine realized in a flash of the COMPLETE OBVIOUS. Suddenly, all that drooling and rapping on Rath's part made sense. "They're in-" The choir decided it didn't even need to hear the words to start singing loudly.
"So, all we have to do to defeat Serra is make these two show their TWUE LUV?" (Several hoarse voices tried to sing) Roland asked happily. Who knew taking Serra down could be so not-deafening and not-blinding?
"That's right, Roland! But first we must make them realize their love! MWA HA HA HA HA!!!!"
"Rath don'o like how you talkin' bout him," Rath interrupted. He was then drop-kicked back to earth, right in front of one green haired lady...
"Rath!" Lyn cheerfully greeted him despite the blood spattered on her clothes and sword. And that he fell from the sky. And that he was in a pink, sparkly tutu. "Guess what?" Rath grunted. "You got it! The Pegasus sisters found something for me to kill!!" Clapping her hands and spinning in a little circle, she looked just like a beautiful, innocent child with a whole lotta bloodlust.
The totally cool Rath was being awesomely silent... Because keepin' yo mout' shut makes da ladies swooooonn!!! Translation into Lycian: Rath was blushing and at a loss for words in the presence of the beautiful, glorious, amazing...
Lyn swung her sword around, accidentally decapitating a few bystanders. "Hey, you wanna come? What's with that expression, Kent?"
"Nothing, milady," he muttered, wincing. Lady Lyndis was such a kind and benevolent leader... ermm... when she wasn't killing people. Or about to kill people. Or thinking about killing people. Actually, she never was, but Kent would kill himself rather than admit such a thing about his lady. Seriously. Get a life, Kent.
"Ignore him," Sain laughed, giving his partner a slap on the back. "He's got a stick stuck up his butt. Never has any fun!" Lyn was shocked.
"Well, no wonder he's grumpy! Get it out!" Sain blinked at her for a few seconds, his subconscious trying to deduce some way to turn her statement into a confession, or perhaps a logical statement, but failing miserably. Finally, he just let his hormones do the talking.
"A brilliant, glorious, amazing, wonderful, red as a rose, bright as the dawn, BEAUTIFUL idea! Thank you, oh brilliant, glorious, amazing, wonderful, red as a rose, bright as the dawn, BEAUTIFUL Lady Lyndis!"
"Go whack your head on a wall, Sain."
"What a brillia-"
"Bye!" Lyn cheered, and with a wave of her shiny sword (along with a few rolling heads), she skipped off into the sunset (over several dead bodies). Rath stood drooling for only a moment before taking off behind her. Because that's how cool he is. GANGSTA!
"What's taking that idiot so long to tell Lyn that he's desperately in-" she quieted her voice "-you-know-what with her?" The heavenly choir huffed in disappointment. "Serra and Brammimmond are going to kill somebody or destroy the world, and he's... What's he doing, Roland?"
Roland flipped around from his favoritest show about a purple dinosaur, and stared at Elimine. "Ummm... He's actually... Wow, he's getting close to her!"
"Really?" Elimine whipped out her binoculars, which she used to spy on people. Er, I mean, to make sure the little children were reading their scripture. Through her amazing eagle's eye view, she spotted... "Roland, you idiot, she's just using him as a tissue! And now she's running off to kill the thing again!"
"But he LIKES it," Roland pointed out stubbornly.
"Whatever. No, I must devise some way to get the two of them together. Rath would never tell her anything, because he's so blasted QUIET. And Lyn, even if he did say something, would probably not hear it because she's stabbing something." She rubbed her hands together. "Okay, we're on to plan number one! Make them jealous!" She turned to Roland, who was cowering, and Hanon, who was sniffing her arm pits. "Are you ready?"
"Let's save the whales!!" Hanon yelled, and the three dove through the clouds and down to earth.
"Quick, Rath! The sisters said they saw it around here!" Whooping, Lyn went forward.
Suddenly, Rath spotted her.
Her eyes sparkled from a flashlight. Her figure, which was slim and wonderful, could hardly be seen from the green odor floating around her, which Rath could smell from his distance. Her long, beautiful hair flowed in the wind... From her armpits. He felt like he had seen her before, but a certain drop-kick aimed right at his head prevented poor little Rath's brain from ever thinking again.
Rath had eyes only for the fist she was repeatedly smacking into a red haired man next to her.
She swayed over to him then, various plants and animals dying in her wake.
"Hiiiii, Rath," she said, fluttering her eyelashes. "My name's Hano- I mean, Hannah. I like beating up guys... And whales. I like whales."
"Idiot!" Roland hissed from next to her, "He'll know!"
"Go with the flow, dude!" 'Hannah' said, giving Roland a nice pat on the head. With a shovel. "Soooo. What's your name, Sir Rath? Also, do you find me attractive? Because you should."
Rath grunted.
"Aw, thanks. So, is that your ugly girlfriend over there? She looks like a whale. No offense to the whales."
Lyn was having issues. Her extreme love of blood was clogging her vision with all this stupid red color. "Rath..." She whined, doing something vaguely resembling a potty dance. "There's something I have to kill. Kill, Rath! Kill!"
"Raaatth," Hanon whined, "Don't listen to the woman you know and love, listen to me, a complete stranger you met ten seconds ago!"
Rath was very conflicted. Two beautiful, violent women were competing. For his gangsta self. He had already talked more today than he had in the past ten years of his life (his mouth was swelling from overexertion). For the first time in his life, Rath was wanted by more than a bobcat for dinner. If he wasn't so terribly emotionally scarred, he might have realized this and become a regular member of society. But Rath was Kutolah. So Rath did the only fitting thing. He
STOMPED THE YARD!!!
Lucius was walking (skipping) through the meadows around the camp, just for fun. His soprano singing echoed, as the flowers all danced along. Small animals came and began to add accessories to his robe. It was so very beautiful, and so very... Disturbing.
The sun, which had been dancing and smiling to the song, suddenly gave a screech and was surrounded by pink clouds. A terrible sparkly fog came and settled upon the meadow. From the dark, curling mist walked-
"ROOLE TE WERLDD!!!"
Lucius gave a bellow (high pitched squeal), pulled up his skirts, er, robes, and took off running.
"Hey, Lucy!" Serra waved from a random place in the forest. "Wanna come help me plot to destroy the world? We have cookies and popcorn. And weapons of mass destruction! Bow down!"
"Yeah!" Nino waved happily from a nearby log. "When I eat animal crackers, I bite the heads off, because that makes me happy!"
Jaffar dropped from the trees, threw Nino over his shoulder, and disappeared into thin air. Jaffar can move faster than the speed of light, because when light sees Jaffar or comes in contact with Jaffar, it dies and reduces the speed. There is a complex mathematical formula for this known as Jaffar = PWNxinfinityxawesome. Even Jaffar's name in the formula kills the formula. Jaffar's name kills little puppies and eats them for breakfast, soaked in kryptonite and nails.
Yes, Jaffar is that awesome. Which totally doesn't explain why Jaffar doesn't just kill Serra and get it over with. Ahem. Oh, yes. I was telling a story.
Serra scowled and stood up to face the he/she/it before her. Using one finger to point viciously at the newcomer, she let out a "ONLY I CAN WEAR THAT MUCH PINK!!!"
Brammimmond scowled right back. "Oh. My. God. Who do you think you are, me?"
"This planet isn't pink enough for the two of us," Serra responded seriously, brandishing her weapon of choice, also known as a voicebox. "So we're just going to have to..."
"Conquer Elibe and move into heaven where we'll destroy Elimine?"
At these very words, the two both let out a screech of "ROOLE TE WERLDD!!!"
Serra smiled at her new bestest friend ever.
A/N: I am officially a pitiful failure. It's been 8 months and I've hardly written this much. I only have one conclusion, which is that high school sucks. A ton. Because cranking out another several sentences would probably take me a few months, and I never want to take a YEAR to update something, I have cut this chapter short and made it a three part. I'm really sorry! Please order Jaffar to kill me. Or Serra. Or anyone besides Lowen and Wallace, both of whom would get lost. Yep. So, I am officially very slow, and I deserve to listen to Serra's singing. Thank you all so much for supporting me, even though I'm pathetic! I will now have a talky time, if people can even remember what they commented years ago.
Aquatic Idealist- Yeah, mine too... Who knew Rath was so interesting to write? Well, I hope the shattering expectations was a good thing! Thank you!
Sonic Phantom- Um, Karel definitely. According to my inner child, he talks in third person and loves himself and fighting. Karla... Ummm... I've never gotten her, so it would be difficult for me to write her. What's she like? Yes, my FE skills are pretty bad. Haha. Thank you, and hiiii you're new!!! Glad you liked it!
Absol Master- Understatement of the year, Hector! Yeah, he's weird himself, so he can't judge. So, I guess I need to add Karel, huh? He'll be fun. Thank you so much for reviewing!
sagewolf- Barigan, Hartmut, and Bartre-of-old. Yaaayyy! Hector's really oblivious, but that's why we love him. Hee hee. I must include them! Thank you for providing FE updates on people my short-term memory has forgotten! And, of course, for reviewing! Good stuff. I hope you liked this chapter!
DarkBlaziken- You're completely right! I've never even thought of Drew and Rath being similar before!! Gasp. This sheds some light on the situation, haha. Umm, the point of Rath being cool is that I kinda don't like him... And making him cool is the only way I stop my hatred. I actually like him now, though, so yay! Hector is trying to get rid of the spies, but he can't find them. And now you understand why the three were falling all over Rath! And Farina does like money. Very, very much. Thank you tons and tons for reviewing and reading!
Moonlit Assassin- I probably won't get into any serious romances here, because that's not how my humor fics usually roll. I do like sarcastic or funny romances. Yep, yep. And Rath and Lyn are so easy! I like them too, I guess... Kent's better, but Rath's now off my kill list. And I'm glad I could give you some Rath, because he turned out to be an awesome guy. Er, cool. Yes, Denning will arrive. I didn't get him in this chapter, but he will make an appearance. Thank you for reading and reviewing, and I hope you like Rath in this chapter too.
Fire Emblem Mew Mew- Thank you! It's great that you liked it. And yes, Lyn does seem like the type to kill spiders while Eliwood hides, doesn't she? Thank you! Lots!
serene-fire- Marcus is definitely girly, but I'm not sure about Lowen. He's just blind. Serra would never kill herself! Never ever! It would be like killing the person you loved most! Whee, traintrack and Serra. Who the heck gave Serra a train?! Welcome to Serra's Ways, and I'm glad you liked it.
Halfsmile- Thank you! Yeah, Hector doesn't understand tactics, he just swings his ax around... Pretty much. Okay then. Welcome to my story, and thank you for reviewing!
Once again, thank you all so much for supporting me and not killing me over the wait. You are amazing reviewers and you make me smile.